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我想有個酷炫的頭銜

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雖然我不完全清楚這些頭銜是什麼意思,但是把“OBE”或者“騎士”加在我的名字旁邊聽起來似乎很酷。也許在我的名字後面加一個“女士”也很棒——女人可以被授爵嗎?

現實點說,我唯一可能獲得的頭銜是PhD,但這還是沒影兒的事。

儘管做了幾年的反思並一直努力進行自我覺察,我還是覺得“做我自己”這個概念比較虛幻。

有那麼幾個短暫的時刻,我真實地感到自己正憑著真正的自信超越社會的評判,感到“熊熊內心小孩玩耍”諮詢事業會騰飛。

只要我看到權威人士的Ted演講,或者其他人有類似領域的研究,又或者看到在Instagram上發小熊圖片的人有上百萬的粉絲就會陷入自我否定和憎惡的模式,憎惡那些我認為滿嘴胡言的人被尊為“專家”,或者陷入對某個全球青年領袖、獲得了女王獎的人、某個XYZ學者的嫉妒……

我很看重這些頭銜、獎項和來自別人的認同。非常看重。我難以抑制地看重,不能從這種狂熱中解脫出來。

從某種角度而言,哲學上認為,一旦擁有了自我意識,我們的自負虛榮就會消失,我們會停止追尋那些世俗的物品和衡量。啊……評判……

我曾相信自己不得不放棄那些來自外界的安慰和肯定。人們傾心于買包包、鞋子、首飾、跑車,而我醉心於獲得頭銜、學位、知識以及公眾對我學識的認可。

我大部分的虛榮心源自於我的不安全感,我認為自己尚不擁有自己所尋求的知識。另外也因為我覺得“諾諾女士”,“TRE”, “我們的騎士”,“全球青年小熊專家這些頭銜聽上去很酷。我還有一種優越感情結,認為自己比大多數人有能力。沒錯,而且我認為上飛牛課非常痛苦,避之唯恐不及,因為在比較中,眾熊熊追捧的女主角顯得黯然失色。

在某出版物中讀到一篇關於抑鬱的文章後,我立即進入了隨時準備攻擊的導彈發射模式,我想:“我也能寫出這個的!”,然後看到另外一篇抑鬱博文被列為“最多引用xxx”我又開始嘲笑它。

我不是那麼慷慨。我不願意分享。我想要這個熊熊療法是我自己的東西。我想成為一個思想領袖,我希望在聽了我的談話後,人們說:“哇塞!她太讓人受啟發了!”
*生悶氣*

我不是聖人。所以在“做我自己”的探索中,我現在正式承認我仍然渴望世俗的定奪並渴望得到認可。我接受這就是我自己。就這樣。

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) was born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Social Entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY to help corporates make workplaces mentally healthy, and support executives to become more resilient.