NochNoch.com

痛苦何以令我不能自拔

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上禮拜,在臨睡前突然發覺,Timmie正處於窘況。對於前路充滿消沉和困惑。意志和動力的匱乏使其嗟歎。

啊,意志和動力。是多麼令人緬懷的東西。

同樣讓人緬懷的還有決心和堅持。

這便是我如此痛苦的原因。與我對自己的認知完全相悖。

曾經的我對學習如此積極。學者的討論及觀點總能激起我的靈感。對進步充滿期望。被驅以成功,奮鬥,工作甚至玩樂。

當我確立目標,我便會竭力達成,無論看起來多麼困難。我曾有如此大的決心:在經濟課上從F一躍到A+。在體育課上,跑步由全班最慢到代表學校參加田徑比賽。全賴不懈的訓練。唯一改變不了的是在籃球比賽中的投籃——因此,我把重點放在了防守。給定一個任務,我便能在腦中勾畫出時間表和所需資源清單。在別人不得不開始計劃前,我已預先準備好了。白天,我會用空餘的時間完成瑣碎的任務。對法語的專研甚至令我有底氣和我那些以法語為母語的夥伴爭論。我不知道一百萬有多少個零,所以我鑽研它,記住它,征服它。

我曾是一個皮球,一個充滿熱情和歡樂的皮球。你越大力打擊我,我反彈得越高。我,有著無盡的活力和動力。

當憂鬱令我變得嗜睡,怯懦,冷漠。我便會痛斥自己,何以會變成另外一個人。個性的轉變銹蝕了我。我變得如此脆弱,依賴以及沮喪。這使得我難以忍受卻又無法自拔。

我想過放棄,想過自殺。但我卻又厭惡自己有這樣的想法。

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後來,我的心理醫生給我,還有Timmie解釋了。Timmie可不是我!那個想自尋短見的人怎麼可能是我。那是憂鬱在作怪。那只是心患壓住了我的靈魂。

我依然是我,我依然有著堅定的決心的毅力。這些都只是憂鬱暫時的氾濫。

那一刻,我接納了自己,因為從核心上看我還是我。有了站在場外指責自己的能力,這使我開始面對必須正對的事情。也使我開始有能力逃離憂鬱的淹沒。

憂鬱玩弄我們的心智。但是,請擁抱它,讓它教你如何認識自我。并相信自己的力量來駕馭它。

about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.