NochNoch.com

in remembrance

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a very good friend of mine committed suicide some few days ago. I just found out yesterday.

a very good friend of mine committed suicide some few days ago. I just found out yesterday.

I’m dishevelled. I’m devastated. i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went through her head right before – was it desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, depression, anger, or disappointment? I don’t know. I can maybe guess from my own experience, but there’s no point. My heart just aches at the thought of how she passed those agonizing few seconds before she made that decision to take her own life. We are all happy and bubbly on the outside, but inside we have our dark thoughts and struggles. If one thing that spurs from this upsetting news, is that we really need to take the time and effort to check on our friends and listen to their deepest, darkest, secrets – and we need to share our’s. We need to be there for each other, for we never know.

I know she reads my blog, we’ve discussed it. I felt a bit like a failure all of yesterday, that my blog was not powerful enough to prevent her fate as I had hoped to inspire and encourage others out there who need it by sharing my story. But I know it is not my fault nor is it my burden to bear – my friend would not have approved. I am not writing to meet or fulfil any one’s expectations so I have not disappointed anyone. I just do what I have to do.

So did she. I am very sad to have lost a friend, but I respect her decision. I hope she found the peace and release she was looking for. One day we will meet again in another place. She was doing what she needed to do. We are all heartbroken. But I know she would want us to carry on with strength and vitality as she did. She would want us to keep smiling. She always smiled, always laughed, always made me laugh. We talked, we were silly, we had fun. I love this girl, especially our talk in my walk-in wardrobe some few years ago, and how she grabbed my nemo soft toys and hugged them and played with them. She was one of those who asked how I was doing and was genuinely interested, even though I was so out of touch last year as I was struggling. She radiates joy and energy, love and compassion. She was an angel.

I don’t want anyone to do the same thing, if you are reading this. But it is not my place to tell you what to do either.

We need just be ourselves. That is enough.I’m dishevelled. I’m devastated. i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went through her head right before – was it desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, depression, anger, or disappointment? I don’t know. I can maybe guess from my own experience, but there’s no point. My heart just aches at the thought of how she passed those agonizing few seconds before she made that decision to take her own life. We are all happy and bubbly on the outside, but inside we have our dark thoughts and struggles. If one thing that spurs from this upsetting news, is that we really need to take the time and effort to check on our friends and listen to their deepest, darkest, secrets – and we need to share our’s. We need to be there for each other, for we never know.

I know she reads my blog, we’ve discussed it. I felt a bit like a failure all of yesterday, that my blog was not powerful enough to prevent her fate as I had hoped to inspire and encourage others out there who need it by sharing my story. But I know it is not my fault nor is it my burden to bear – my friend would not have approved. I am not writing to meet or fulfil any one’s expectations so I have not disappointed anyone. I just do what I have to do.

So did she. I am very sad to have lost a friend, but I respect her decision. I hope she found the peace and release she was looking for. One day we will meet again in another place. She was doing what she needed to do. We are all heartbroken. But I know she would want us to carry on with strength and vitality as she did. She would want us to keep smiling. She always smiled, always laughed, always made me laugh. We talked, we were silly, we had fun. I love this girl, especially our talk in my walk-in wardrobe some few years ago, and how she grabbed my nemo soft toys and hugged them and played with them. She was one of those who asked how I was doing and was genuinely interested, even though I was so out of touch last year as I was struggling. She radiates joy and energy, love and compassion. She was an angel.

I don’t want anyone to do the same thing, if you are reading this. But it is not my place to tell you what to do either.

We need just be ourselves. That is enough.

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.