What would people say in an eulogy at my funeral if I took my own life?
What would my obituary say?
“She, who advocated for mental wellness, decided that in the end, it was her way to liberate herself from the years of inner torment. But why? Why did she not live up to her own advocacies? Alas, she let us all down. Her hero’s journey was but fleeting.”
Would it make me a hypocrite?
Would it render all the work I have done so far, meaningless?
Would anyone feel betrayed, and think, why did she try to keep me alive if she could not stay alive herself?
Or would they have mercy on me, and say:
“She was a beautiful soul, helping others, strong in her beliefs and have made this world a better place. She had chosen that her time on earth is up, and let us respect her decision. She, of all people, would understand what suicide is about, and we trust that her decision was not made lightly. We may feel the pain of missing her. We loved her. And we hope she has found what she was looking for through death. Let us celebrate her life, her work, her perseverance (sometimes stubbornness), her smiles, her sarcasm, and most of all, her trials and tribulations throughout the years.”
And then they would play the song, “Walking on a Dream”.
I wonder for whom I would leave notes? How would I explain the decision to my kids? Would they forgive me? Would they remember who I was?
Perhaps people would miss me and be sad – for a while.
Occasionally, a few might think, “What a pity, she died young. All the great things she could have done” and think of me — the things unsaid, the things said too much, the what-might-have-beens, and the many more brilliant articles and books and blog posts that could have been written.
And then, like many others before us, I, too, would be forgotten and gone with the wind in dust and ashes.
Love leaves us broken.