Been in the half-sinking mud cycle of inertia. Feeling forgotten because all these people who do events that ties into my speaking topics do not think of me. Because haven’t done much lately. Because there is a list of proposals to write. Because there is some business development to do and I am procrastinating.
I’m sitting here resentful and bitter. Ugh.
Then suddenly, I remember my friend, M’s, coffee blog post where I shared some thoughts. And then I remembered it came about because we started chatting again about being entrepreneurs and moms. And we started chatting again because I accidentally saw her WeChat Moments, that she had shared a post of mine. I was so touched someone thought it was worth sharing, especially when I did not ask them to. I messaged her to thank her, and we got talking again.
I have mostly wanted people to share what I write or my “products” on their own initiative because that meant it was good enough to share. I have always been against paying money for numbers, and for ghost accounts to make it go viral. But then, what about “marketing” and making sure I have some sort of visibility amongst the many – a simple log on to LinkedIn or Facebook or WeChat Moments shows how so many people are doing so much all around and maintaining their “social media presence.” Tiring.
Fame, culture, status is too hyped up. 2018 continues to be the best time to be alive — and the worst. There is no going against the flow of social media, number of followers, and worldwide recognition despite no-substance. Everything Bob Lefsetz said about 2017 being the greatest time to be alive and simultaneously the worst transcends into 2018, and I think into 2019.
I pendulumed from resentment to gratitude then back to bitterness.
I attempted to see the other sides, and the perspectives I had forgotten. Apart from M, I can think of D and P and L sharing my stuff without my asking. They remember me, silently cheering me on – and sometimes verbally too. And then there others. There are some supporters, and there are some who will go through the hard work with me.
The intention is to do good. It is not a vanity score, not only, anyways. And with the intention to do good, hopefully a few others can live on, and decide on a dose of introspection to find their inner bears.
And yes, there are some bits of me not fully embracing what I am doing, and how I am doing it. Some risk in being ridiculed and then disappearing into the nothingness of “I’ve tried – and I didn’t make it.” So I’m covering my ass for the potential meagre results. And maybe, that is what is holding me back.
If I stop being a hater for a moment, I can acknowledge that are those who have shown me some love.
Yes, love. Perhaps Bob, that’s the answer. Believing that it is love actually.
So, thank you, to those who love me unconditionally… (oh, Biggie & Bamboo, it’s just the two of you , is it?)