When I was a manager in a bank, it was clear I led a team. I did their performance reviews, hired, signed off job descriptions, and reported to a counter-signing manager. I knew the ladder to climb. The structure was clear.
As a Play Consultant now, what am I leading? When involved in all these leadership development programmes or strategy / vision workshops with leaders, I question myself: could I manage again? Could I actually do what I preach? Could I lead in an organization? What kind of leader would I be now if I were in a corporate? I had wondered if being a consultant is a defense against my own anxiety from being a manager in a corporate…
What am I leading? I need followers to be a leader, do I not?
Lots of self-doubt today. I keep taking up projects I do not like to earn money, and sacrifice time to do the things I like but might not earn money. I feel a sense of urgency to accomplish everything by yesteryear – and a sense of desperation that perhaps I might never get to where I want. Part of the “accomplishments” are to feed my vanity and need for recognition; part of them is simply to make that mark and help that one person.
There are writings I still have not done, pitches to draft, campaigns to run, events to speak at, and I feel as if I would not be able to do it all. I am overwhelmed at having to be a mother and a businesswoman at the same time, let alone to have to be a leader. I am resentful that a second baby will join us this summer because it means more of my energy away from my writing and bears. My relentless habit is to focus on what I have not done, rather than congratulate myself on the small steps I have taken — and with that I must say how excited I am to enter into a partnership with a friend to go on yet another playful journey and be the change we would like to see in the world, plus I finally got my act together and got a Chinese version of the ebook on depression up and running, albeit the links all missing inside the document. Good enough.
Yet, I have paralysed myself with my constant fear of not being good enough.
Focus, Nochie, focus! Focus on the fire. Focus on what enthuses you, the talks that gives you energy and the events that gives you a high after a labourious day.
Lead, one fish face at a time.
Influence, one person at a time.
Be patient, my little crazy self!