NochNoch.com

Transcending my inner bitch

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I am a bitch. I am critical, judgmental, and 90% of the time I think people are stupid.

This inner critic is driven by a fear of feeling inadequate, that I was not good enough. This has obvious connections of my fear of dependence on others – because I fear myself not being good enough, I try to do more and do better to fuel my sense of superiority, resulting not wanting to depend on others for any help.

Yet, half the time, I am sure that there is discernment and wisdom in what I see. I see what others cannot, or will not. Sometimes it goes against group consensus, and because I think they are stupid, I do not say anything and disengage. Sometimes I worry what others would think of me if I voiced out my true opinion, so again, I keep my mouth shut, and turn on my hater attitude. At the end, once everyone has tumbled over themselves and realize that what I knew along, I whisper to myself, “I told you so.”

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Does this serve anyone? It makes me angry and frustrated at the surrounding incompetency, and others lose time in disconcerted efforts. When I disengage, I am blank, exude an air of arrogance, or a mask of niceties dressed up as professionalism. This certainly does not help anyone either.

So, I am going to try a different approach. A friend I know speaks her mind, especially when she does not agree and she feels it in her bones. I need to mind less what others think of me, which of course, is again driven by fears of not being liked or abandoned.

First of all, I will let my inner bitch show herself. I am going to experiment with telling people I do not agree with them or voice my dissenting opinions and see what the reactions are.

Then, once I get in touch with my inner bitch, I will look at transcending it – is there a way to use my bitch qualities for the good of myself, those around me, the groups I work with, my work in Bearapy, and the humankind in general?

What would a transcended Noch Noch’s inner bitch look like?

For Camila

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.

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