I am a bitch. I am critical, judgmental, and 90% of the time I think people are stupid.
This inner critic is driven by a fear of feeling inadequate, that I was not good enough. This has obvious connections of my fear of dependence on others – because I fear myself not being good enough, I try to do more and do better to fuel my sense of superiority, resulting not wanting to depend on others for any help.
Yet, half the time, I am sure that there is discernment and wisdom in what I see. I see what others cannot, or will not. Sometimes it goes against group consensus, and because I think they are stupid, I do not say anything and disengage. Sometimes I worry what others would think of me if I voiced out my true opinion, so again, I keep my mouth shut, and turn on my hater attitude. At the end, once everyone has tumbled over themselves and realize that what I knew along, I whisper to myself, “I told you so.”
Does this serve anyone? It makes me angry and frustrated at the surrounding incompetency, and others lose time in disconcerted efforts. When I disengage, I am blank, exude an air of arrogance, or a mask of niceties dressed up as professionalism. This certainly does not help anyone either.
So, I am going to try a different approach. A friend I know speaks her mind, especially when she does not agree and she feels it in her bones. I need to mind less what others think of me, which of course, is again driven by fears of not being liked or abandoned.
First of all, I will let my inner bitch show herself. I am going to experiment with telling people I do not agree with them or voice my dissenting opinions and see what the reactions are.
Then, once I get in touch with my inner bitch, I will look at transcending it – is there a way to use my bitch qualities for the good of myself, those around me, the groups I work with, my work in Bearapy, and the humankind in general?
What would a transcended Noch Noch’s inner bitch look like?
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