This reminds me of a passage from the book, “Flow”:
To overcome the anxieties and depressions of contemporary life, individuals must become independent of the social environment to the degree that they no longer respond exclusively in terms of its rewards and punishments. To achieve such autonomy, a person has to learn to provide rewards to herself. She has to develop the ability to find enjoyment and purpose regardless of external circumstances. This challenge is both easier and more difficult than it sounds: easier because the ability to do so is entirely within each person’s hands; difficult because it requires discipline and perseverance that are relatively rare in any era, and perhaps especially in the present. And before all else, achieving control over experience requires a drastic change in attitude about what is important and what is not.
We grow up believing that what counts most in our lives are those future events. Parents teach children that if they learn good habits now, they will be better off as adults. Teachers assure pupils that the boring classes will benefit them later, when the students are going to be looking for jobs. I internalized the idea of focusing on the future: what will I achieve tomorrow, what will I be in 6 months, when will I “make it”, when will I buy a house…
The profound challenge is to find my own voice, and to decide what are the important things in my life.
For so many years, I lapped up what my elders and seniors preached about priorities and essentials in life. When I woke up one day and discovered I could make up our own minds — and that just because they were older did not mean they know the best — I broke down, I doubted myself, I was ashamed that my lists were different from those who came before me.
So, as I have done, many do so as well: we go through loops of reflection, self-discovery, meditation, healthy eating, some Bearapy etc. to find ourselves, to establish our lists through any justification possible. A silent rebellion towards philosophies engrained in our brains.
When we think we have found the panacea to pain and the answer to life, we rejoice. Yet, still, we cannot shake of this feeling of “I am not good enough.” What if our answers are not good enough, is there something better out there? Are we maximizing our potential? Then we delve into positive psychology, be grateful for what we have, focus on the present, be mindful, do yoga, eat even better, sleep even earlier…. La dee da dee da… blah blah blah….
It is a self-perception fossilized into my subconscious, rooted in my unconscious whirl of fears. Maybe, the fact is, I really just am not good enough, otherwise, why would I be wasting time on this pitiful little blog that hardly anyone reads, instead of being flown somewhere fancy to be the keynote speaker at some international forum?
Will keep working on convincing myself I am good enough….
Oh actually, whatever, f**k it. Eat some pancakes for midnight snack….