I want a fancy title after my name


I do not know what most of those letters mean, but an “OBE” or “Chevalier des ordres des arts et lettres” after my name sounds fancy. Perhaps a “Lady” before my name too – can women be knighted?

Realistically, the only other letters I could possibly achieve is “PhD”, and that is not even in the horizon.

Despite my years of reflections and working on self-awareness, I find the concept of “I am being me” illusive.

In ephemeral moments, I feel that I am in my essence – that I was transcending society’s judgments with a genuine self-confidence, and that this whole Bearapy-inner-child-playfulness-consulting business would fly.

All it takes is watching a Ted Talk by some authority figure, or seeing another person in a similar realm, or a Instagramer who has million more followers than me when we are all posting bears for me to crash into self-doubt and a hater mode for those who I thought was full of crap but known as an “expert.” Or, an envy towards those who were a Global Young Leader, got an award from the queen, a XYZ Scholar etc.

These titles, awards, recognition, matter to me. A lot. More than I would like, more than I think I should crave.

In some way, the philosophy goes that once we gain self-awareness, our vanity diminishes and we stop seeking for these worldly goods and measures. Ah… judgment…

I convinced myself that I had to forgo those comforts and affirmations. On the contrary. People buy handbags, shoes, jewellery, sports cars – my addiction is towards titles, degrees, knowledge, and a public acknowledgement of me as a learned person.

Most of this vanity comes from my insecurity that I do not possess the knowledge I seek. The other part because it sounds fancy to be “Lady Noch Noch, TRE, Chevalier des oursons, Global Young Bearalist.” I have a superiority complex and regard myself as more capable than most. Yes, and I find flying cattle class miserable and avoid it like a plague. Starrie bear’s diva attitude would pale in comparison.

I go into ballistic mode when I read an article about depression in some publication, and think, “I could have written that!” and scoff when another depression blog is “listed as the top resource blah blah blah.”

I am not so generous. I do not want to share. I want this Bearapy to be MY thing. I want to be a thought-leader, I want to people to go “WOW! She was inspiring!” after my talks.

I am no saint. So in my quest for being me, I now officially admit that I yearn for worldly measures and pine for recognition. I accept this is who I am. So there.

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) was born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Social Entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY to help corporates make workplaces mentally healthy, and support executives to become more resilient.