I had an imagery of myself on the treadmill. Ever since the launch of the Free Ebook on depression a month ago, I had been in non-stop motion.
My friend trains for Ironman competitions and his exercising on the treadmill would be for his physical fitness. I, on the contrary, felt as if an invisible chain bounded me to the treadmill, and if I did not keep moving, I would trip over myself and perish.
I feel drained. I would like to sleep and forget about it all – have no need to consider what my daughter would eat for lunch or chase so-and-so for a meeting. I am so tired.
I have time, yet no energy. My forehead is tense, and my shoulders scrunched up.
What am I running after again?
Time to slow down. I do too much. But that is also who I am…
I do not plan to change that, just to be more aware of this fact and to manage my energy… Somehow…
Hi Noch Noch:
I always check back at your blog from time to time. It brings my memory to when I bumped into you at Boya Garden with your little Shiba Inu dog. You are amazing that you have managed to do so much while taking care of yourself and depression. I can relate to your struggle. I have moved around quite a bit since that time, within Beijing, and then to the East Coast of U.S. and then now to the West Coast. While I have physically moved and done more projects, my frequent and periodic mood swing/depression has stayed with me. I think I am still struggling to recognize it as depression. Perhaps I was/am still afraid to call it depression because of the weakness and helplessness that seem to bring. Reading your blog and your book(which I read in one sitting) really helps because it makes me feel not alone, and your thoughts/logic really resonate with me. Especially since our background while not the same, but has a lot of similarities in terms of having achieved a lot(in the traditional Chinese academic/job sense) and yet don’t feel good enough often. (by the way, I also had one of my shittiest time in Paris, haha, but it was a guy issue) I keep on thinking my mood swings which makes me unmotivated and sluggish are simply just that: I am unmotivated and I am lost, or I am lazy and am not being confident so I haven’t persisted on a project as I should. I am scared of drugs, although I have talked to therapists, but I always thought of it as strictly a “nurture”issue, i.e. childhood education that made me negative on myself, and not a “nature” issue, i.e. I need drugs to balance my brain chemistry. My mode of thinking has been I need to “think” my way out of this sluggishness. But as these struggles which really have been around probably ever since elementary school years refuse to go away, I have to admit that there is more to it. I makes me feel so frustrated that seeing how I have done a lot despite all my struggles, I wonder how much more could I do if I didn’t have this handicap, it really pains me that my ambition is somehow forced to downsize because of all this struggle. and I wonder if even if it started out as a “nurture” issue didn’t at some point become so ingrained that it is a “nature” issue as well. I don’t know, like you said, we don’t have the answer. I am taking it day by day. the other hard part is I often want to end my marriage because I find so many issues not satisfactory with my husband and I can’t tell if that is just my mood swing/depression making me feel negative to the one closest to me or it is real. That is very painful to not trust your own mind and judgment and your partner. I am happy that you have a strong partner you trust to stand by you. Sorry I have flooded this space, but I don’t think any of friends in my circle could understand as much as you do, since again as you said the outward success can be so misleading to people.
Hey Cecilia, thanks for sharing all this. I understand those internal struggles and also the self-flagellation. It is what it is, and it sounds like you have come to a new awareness and understanding about yourself, which to me, is more important of all. So perhaps now you are on the way to find what works best for you. I struggle with outward image day to day and in doing my own projects now, I still wonder – “who is me?”. It’s a constant battle. I don’t have the answers, but at least we are in this search together. Bamboo also says hi 🙂
Noch