I was sitting in a neighbourhood café, computer in front of me, a cup of lukewarm coffee and a half eaten brownie to my right hand side. Outside, the orphaned leaves were trembling in the wind, as if mirroring my shaking hands. I was on the verge of tears, my chest tight, and my being floated in mid-air, in limbo.
Confused, I was unsure of how I arrived at this mental state. Just a minute ago, I was drafting an article on organizational leadership and was engrosed in an academic, analytic mindset. To include a description of the work that I do, I needed to link to my Bearapy website, so I clicked on my browser and out popped my bears and the newly launched free ebook on depression. A reflex action, I smiled at the bears on my screen. A millisecond later, I was wrought with fear.
My inner critic instigated another round of worries:
What if no one downloaded my book? What if the numbers are staggeringly low?
What if the professor did not like my draft article?
When would I have time to keep working on the Bearapy website and my business proposition?
When can I sit down to do my Arabic homework?
What if people thought my ebook was stupid? What if I was stupid?
What if I cannot pay rent after next month?
What if I never make it? What is making it?
I felt my eyes well up as I self-flagellated, discounting my effort and my trials and experiments. I admit that the ego in me hopes that my ebook becomes viral and I become the next top-selling author on some list that someone concocted. But, I also remember that my ultimate goal was to help but one person. Yet, sometimes, overachiever Noch Noch stampeded the bubbly and giggly Little Nochie so that the creative and playful side of me suffocates under the drive to be productive.
Yet, is this not the very objective I have for Bearapy, to remind organizations and individuals to take some time to play, to enjoy, to be creative, so that we could be more productive and effective?
Floozies ventures in New York could possibly be the breakthrough of my writers block.
I am trying. I feel rundown. I feel weary. Chinese would more aptly describe my present emotional state: ?????
But I must not forget, that I am amazing, simply because I am who I am.
You are amazing too. Be you.
(And please fuel my ego, download my ebook here so the numbers climb .)