Warm Fuzzy Feelings


Photos of weddings, marriage vows, honeymoon, babies elicit warm, fuzzy feelings.

I had not been on Facebook for a while, but recently decided to upload a few photos of my pregnant belly to my private account.   I got a flurry of “likes” and congratulations. Much obliged, and Thank You to everyone for the well wishes.

The smiles in the photographs were genuine, and my husband and I had fun during the photo shoot by a talented friend. I am grateful for what we have, and the opportunity to go through another life experience.

Yet, behind the scenes, I had rashes on my legs from sitting on the grass for the photoshoot. I was perspiring in the humidity of Beijing’s summer, I was itchy from mosquito bites, and sprinklers made my feet and shoes wet and icky.

And, do I enjoy being pregnant? Hell, no! So many people have said to me – particularly those who have never been pregnant before – that I “should enjoy my pregnancy”… Emm… okay, so which bit of the pregnancy am I supposed to enjoy? The fatigue, the intensity in my stomach, the loo trips every 2 hours in the middle of the night, the constant farts & burps, the aches, the soreness, or the lethargy…? Bear in mind that all these are but the minor sufferings for I have a healthy pregnancy. There are women who end up with elephant-like swollen feet, pregnancy diabetes, hemorrhoids, constipation, kidney infections, and other ailments that arise from pregnancy.

Whilst my photos exhibit smiles and contentment, I am not afraid to admit that there is another side to the story. Why do I need to feel the same emotions as everyone else? Why, may I ask, “should” I enjoy what I do not find enjoyable?

The over positivity tires me. I cannot go with this flow.   What is important to me, is that I can identify these feelings and emotions, and not kid myself to thinking I need to succumb to what others tell me to do or how I need to feel.

If those are my emotions, then so be it. The next step is to find out why I feel that way, and to bring about the awareness to the conscious. Only then can I draw my conclusions as to whether to continue to feel grumpy or not.

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Yes, I will love my child, but it does not mean that I would not find her a bother, especially with consequent changes in my schedules, invasion into my sleep, and activities I have to put on hold to take care of a newborn. I find that cumbersome and do not look forward to it, even though I will adapt.

It was our choice to procreate, and therefore, it is our responsibility to look after the child. With every choice, there is a cost and benefit. Being grateful and responsible is one thing; enjoying it is another.

Be grateful for what we have. Yet with life, sometimes, there could be shit at the end of the rainbow. Be not afraid to admit, it is not all warm and fuzzy.

Be real to yourself, not to what others say you “should” do.

9 Responses

  1. KK says:

    🙂 I think it’s better you start on these feelings than the other way round – and be taken surprise by the changes in schedule (or life!), sleep deprivation etc. maybe one day you’d be pleasantly surprised that you do enjoy it all, and just maybe, that you found something worth enjoying about your pregnancy when you look back 🙂 all the best for everything x

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi KK

      Maybe i will enjoy it, maybe I won’t. Either way, what is important is that I arrive at the conclusion myself, through my own thoughts, emotions and self awareness, and not because I feel obliged to follow any social conventions. The result might be the same, but what is fundamental is that one reaches the result through a mindful journey, and not simply feel the need to do what everyone else does. Pregnancy / motherhood, are just examples.

      Thanks for the wishes. Take care down under
      Nochie xx

  2. zhiv says:

    Congratulations. I admire the fact that you are being real to yourself in your pregnancy and not trying to go along with the stereotype of ‘invulnerable supermum’ like so many mothers to be fall into or feel pressure to conform to. So many women feel like failures when they feel the way you do. It would be refreshing if we as a society didn’t push this ‘perfect mum’ stereotype onto mothers, and then label women as ‘bad mothers’ when they cannot possibly live up to the ‘perfect’ ideal, which is a myth anyway. I wish you luck and hope you have a smooth delivery. Thankyou for letting people know it’s okay to feel the way you do. Having a baby is wonderful, and it’s also stressful, boring and exhausting. If more people allowed for this, maybe we would give mums a break instead of criticising them for being human.

    • nochnoch says:

      HI Zhiv

      Thanks for the encouragement, and happy to have some support in this viewpoint. yes, I think so many of us are bogged down by social conventions that we almost feel guilty for feeling different, and then we have to mask it all in front of others. It’s too tiring. If I like it, I like it. If I don’t, I don’t. I don’t think I need to be told how to feel about my body and emotions, though of course if it goes way off course like if I sink into depression again, then I might need some help to reorient my thinking. However, that’s also part of the process – to identify the thoughts, emotions, behaviour, and find the self awareness that I seek 🙂

      Take care

  3. Richard says:

    It’s going to be a lucky child to grow up with so many snuffleses 🙂

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) was born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Social Entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY to help corporates make workplaces mentally healthy, and support executives to become more resilient.