Photos of weddings, marriage vows, honeymoon, babies elicit warm, fuzzy feelings.
I had not been on Facebook for a while, but recently decided to upload a few photos of my pregnant belly to my private account. I got a flurry of “likes” and congratulations. Much obliged, and Thank You to everyone for the well wishes.
The smiles in the photographs were genuine, and my husband and I had fun during the photo shoot by a talented friend. I am grateful for what we have, and the opportunity to go through another life experience.
Yet, behind the scenes, I had rashes on my legs from sitting on the grass for the photoshoot. I was perspiring in the humidity of Beijing’s summer, I was itchy from mosquito bites, and sprinklers made my feet and shoes wet and icky.
And, do I enjoy being pregnant? Hell, no! So many people have said to me – particularly those who have never been pregnant before – that I “should enjoy my pregnancy”… Emm… okay, so which bit of the pregnancy am I supposed to enjoy? The fatigue, the intensity in my stomach, the loo trips every 2 hours in the middle of the night, the constant farts & burps, the aches, the soreness, or the lethargy…? Bear in mind that all these are but the minor sufferings for I have a healthy pregnancy. There are women who end up with elephant-like swollen feet, pregnancy diabetes, hemorrhoids, constipation, kidney infections, and other ailments that arise from pregnancy.
Whilst my photos exhibit smiles and contentment, I am not afraid to admit that there is another side to the story. Why do I need to feel the same emotions as everyone else? Why, may I ask, “should” I enjoy what I do not find enjoyable?
The over positivity tires me. I cannot go with this flow. What is important to me, is that I can identify these feelings and emotions, and not kid myself to thinking I need to succumb to what others tell me to do or how I need to feel.
If those are my emotions, then so be it. The next step is to find out why I feel that way, and to bring about the awareness to the conscious. Only then can I draw my conclusions as to whether to continue to feel grumpy or not.
Yes, I will love my child, but it does not mean that I would not find her a bother, especially with consequent changes in my schedules, invasion into my sleep, and activities I have to put on hold to take care of a newborn. I find that cumbersome and do not look forward to it, even though I will adapt.
It was our choice to procreate, and therefore, it is our responsibility to look after the child. With every choice, there is a cost and benefit. Being grateful and responsible is one thing; enjoying it is another.
Be grateful for what we have. Yet with life, sometimes, there could be shit at the end of the rainbow. Be not afraid to admit, it is not all warm and fuzzy.
Be real to yourself, not to what others say you “should” do.