I am lost. Very lost.
These days I do not know why I write anymore. Is it a continuation of my therapy, so I may become more self-aware and channel my anger into energy instead of tantrums and violent destruction of vases and cups in the home? Or am I writing to please? Or to write something meaningful so someone might read my blog?
I don’t know where this blog is going. I spoke to an SEO consultant and he asked me whom I wanted to target – I had no idea.
It seems futile at times. Why does anyone want to read about what I think? Why do people read other thinkers on New York Times and not read what I have to say?
My friend and my shrink both said, what I am doing on my blog and writing for other publications about mental health is great. They said I am a good writer.
But I want to be greater. I want to be excellent. I want to be on the pristine top of the freaking world. And once I am greatest, once I’m at the summit, I want to fly.
I am always forward looking, never satisfied with what I have right now.
I am better than a year ago health wise and I can walk around. I have my four limbs. But if one day I seemed fine, then the next day I wouldn’t be able to get out of my PJs. I could only sit on the couch, unable to pull my mind together. And no one can see that, least of all the insurance companies.
Sometimes when I am on top of a building, I still wonder if I could just jump over the ledge and finish with it, and then I remember I hadn’t put together the list of guests I would like to invite to my funeral and step back from the balcony.
But I digress. That might be because I am lost.
Can this blog just be a dump for my thoughts and emotions? I don’t want to have to think about my target audience or what the takeaway is for you.
I want to write. I want to write for renowned websites but what angle, what storyline do I pitch to the media, the Huffington Post, for instance? How do I break in to the New York Times, what is the unique selling point of my story? I wonder.
I am lost.
This is not a call for reassurance. I am dumping my thoughts. Clearing my mind so I can think.
I will find my way.
For now, good night.