I am lost. Very lost.
These days I do not know why I write anymore. Is it a continuation of my therapy, so I may become more self-aware and channel my anger into energy instead of tantrums and violent destruction of vases and cups in the home? Or am I writing to please? Or to write something meaningful so someone might read my blog?
I don’t know where this blog is going. I spoke to an SEO consultant and he asked me whom I wanted to target – I had no idea.
It seems futile at times. Why does anyone want to read about what I think? Why do people read other thinkers on New York Times and not read what I have to say?
My friend and my shrink both said, what I am doing on my blog and writing for other publications about mental health is great. They said I am a good writer.
But I want to be greater. I want to be excellent. I want to be on the pristine top of the freaking world. And once I am greatest, once I’m at the summit, I want to fly.
I am always forward looking, never satisfied with what I have right now.
I am better than a year ago health wise and I can walk around. I have my four limbs. But if one day I seemed fine, then the next day I wouldn’t be able to get out of my PJs. I could only sit on the couch, unable to pull my mind together. And no one can see that, least of all the insurance companies.
Sometimes when I am on top of a building, I still wonder if I could just jump over the ledge and finish with it, and then I remember I hadn’t put together the list of guests I would like to invite to my funeral and step back from the balcony.
But I digress. That might be because I am lost.
Can this blog just be a dump for my thoughts and emotions? I don’t want to have to think about my target audience or what the takeaway is for you.
I want to write. I want to write for renowned websites but what angle, what storyline do I pitch to the media, the Huffington Post, for instance? How do I break in to the New York Times, what is the unique selling point of my story? I wonder.
I am lost.
This is not a call for reassurance. I am dumping my thoughts. Clearing my mind so I can think.
I will find my way.
For now, good night.
朋友，好久没来你这里浏览了，看到你这篇文章，心里也有一丝的惆怅，我真心希望你能慢慢的好起来，要知道，你并不是孤单的。我，最近也好多了，我在家里健身了半年，不知身材壮了，还感觉自己心情也的确比较开朗，但我告诉你，当初我开始健身时，我真的觉得很辛苦，一点力气都没有，但那个时候，我会一直有一个念头，如果我就此打住了，我不仅在身形还是一样的依然瘦弱，在精神上也是一种损伤，因为我知道我需要更多的血清素和大脑的安多肦来让我感觉精神愉悦。所以，这半年以来，我真的坚持住了，现在，虽然不至于完全摆脱忧郁的困扰，但感觉比以前好多了。
朋友，我希望你能坚持着，每一样事情的发生，都是好事一桩，这是我每次提醒我自己。因为你相信有好事会发生，宇宙万物的吸引法则一定会将那些好事吸引过来。不要放弃，你有我们，我们也有你，祝福你。:)
Hi Black Dog
Thanks for your support all these years – ever since I started my blog. I read your comment a month ago but didn’t have energy to reply till now! I am glad you are persisting. I am trying to too. Little by little. It’s up and down…
But I will continue writing. Thanks for being there and being a friend to me 🙂
Noch Noch
NochNoch
Please hang in there. I know it is hard, however, you are making a difference. Your blog is an inspiration to myself and others. I do look forward to your next post.
All the best,
John
Hi John
Thanks for your encouragement and not forsaking me. Next post will come soon. Messages like yours help me regain perspective.
NN
Hi NochNoch,
There are two things I got out of what you wrote.
1. Why do you write this blog?
And
2. How will you become a famous writer (on top of the building; the best of the best)?
Well, let me say a few things.
I cannot answer #1. That is your personal reason, which I do not know. However, I know why I write, so I will say my reason, not to put you on the path from which you were lost, but to help clear the branches and shrubs out of the way so you can maybe see the path again.
I don’t have a ‘blog’ and I don’t intend to.
What I have, though, is a word document.
I started it spontaneously one day, when I was so depressed and angry and sad all at the same time that I thought I might go crazy if I don’t say any of the words that kept constantly building up inside of me.
I started to write the date on top, and then write what I had to say that day.
It was not a diary or a journal, simply some place I went to say the things I could not in reality.
The audience that would read what I wrote would be my future self; I once heard of a girl who wanted and would’ve gotten back together with an abusive boyfriend, when she read her diary of when she was with him. Reading what she wrote, how sad and broken she was at the time, she decided to stay away from him for her own good.
See what happened? The diary stopped her.
It stopped her from making the same mistake twice.
So I thought my journal might do the same. Stop me from falling into the pattern of depression all over again; It also helped me step back and take a look at what I wrote, what the situation was, and helped me see the ‘real deal’ much much clearer. It helped me see what the real problem was. And my future self, whom I ‘targeted’ to read would also see what the problem was back then, but this time, she would also have a solution to it.
But, again, was that the only reason I wrote?
I wrote for many reasons.
To take an emotional dump, to say what I couldn’t say and all the things I wish I would’ve said; I write because “I must; the words are in my VEINS, they PUMP from my heart, my brain, my SOUL, Every fiber of my being CALLS my hands to pick up the pencil And do it…” (Celisa Fullmer); I write “as a witness. I write as a witness to all that I know, all that I’ve seen, all that I’ve dreamed, and all that I’ve ever believed. I write- because I can see things, and I want you to see them too” (Joshua Fullmer); and lastly, I write to forget my problems, which, ironically, helps me see the problems in a better, different light, and easily solve them, or put me on the path to solving them.
I hope this cleared things up a bit for you, NochNoch.
Also, #2.
This question is tied to question 1, Why do you write?
Can you write for your own personal reasons, and at the same time write to be in an newspaper like the New York times?
Honestly, in my opinion, I don’t think this is possible.
Because when you write for other people, you have to, in a way, cater to their needs. Write something they won’t get bored about. Write something interesting, so they can keep coming back. Like that CEO said, you need to target them. Who do you want to target? Teens, Children, Young Adults? Grownups, Seniors? Who do you want to read your material? Because you can’t have everyone read it, because then you would be neglecting the needs of some other readers (for example, you write for everyone, making it nice enough for children to read, but this might bore the adults and restrain you from writing certain things you might want to talk about).
And, may I ask you this, WHY do you want to be in the New York times? Why do you want to be the best of the best? So other people might read your articles? So a large audience will read it? Or just so you can be famous? Maybe so you can have some sort of ‘title’ (for example, so you will be known by people as ‘smart’ or ‘she’s the artistic one, remember’)? I am not trying to point fingers here, or accuse you of anything, or anything else, I am seriously asking. What do YOU want?
The reason you write and your goals must match up (in my opinion).
You can’t write for yourself and than at the same time write for one of the reasons I mentioned above; you can’t become a lawyer AND a doctor (at least, this is what I believe).
Let me know what you think.
And know that I always wait for your next post and get super excited when you do write one.
You made me feel a whole lot better and gave me a place to go to when I was depressed.
For that, thanks. And let me dedicate a song to you (I am sure it will make you feel better) (and insert your name when he says Ben): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTrzbm6BSN8
Take care, Nochie. And try to take it easy 🙂
Hey Nochie,
I just realized something that I need to add on to what I already said.
I think the the voice that is talking about the ‘need to be great’ is the disappointment sweater.
Remember? You were always forced to work and achieve to such high standards, to be initially ‘perfect’ or face the disappointment from your parents and your teachers. You felt like you let them down. You got so used to having to put the bar up so high for yourself that now you do it unconsciously, without meaning to. Like a habit.
I mean, I understand all your ambition (your need and want (which everyone has) to achieve your goals and live up to your full potential); and ambition is great, I’m pretty ambitious myself.
But I think it’s the ‘perfectionism’.
Take care, Noch Noch. 🙂
P.S. hope I didn’t sound judgmental in my last post, just offering advice
Not at all, YR! Every thought is valuable for me. And yes, funny enough, i re-read my “disappointment sweater” post. I am still struggling with this need to not disappoint and forget that I do things for myself now. It was a good reminder 🙂
Noch Noch
Hi YR
Your comment gave me a lot of food for thought, and i kept coming back to your comment. I won’t write an essay in response here haha, but I just want to say thanks for the probing questions, and helping me think. It was a good kick for me, and clarified some questions I had in my head. from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for friends like you, whom I have never met, don’t know if I ever will, but all tied together through the blogosphere. Your kindness means a lot to me.
NN
Hi NochNoch!
Haha, I’m glad my comment was of some help!
‘your kindness means a lot to me’ aww you’re too sweet!
You’re welcome! And I’m grateful for your blog, and for being able to relate to it so well (made me feel better!) from the bottom of my heart!
I hope you’re feeling better!
Take care, Nochie! 🙂
YR – feeling better today, and you? 🙂
NN
You’re the only one to know why you write. Not why you SHOULD, but why you DO. If you don’t remember the reason, you might want to take a few steps back, breathe, and listen to what your heart is saying. Once you’ve found the reason, be sure it’s a healthy one. Things like being better than others, or on the top of THE world (and not yours), are unhealthy ones. It’s like having “more” money. Until which point? It’s a never ending story. Of course it’s always good to be appreciated for your work, but if you are only interested in the outcome, which is by the way out of your control, it’s not going to be helpful at all.
From what you’ve been writing here it seems also that you might want to be a bit more living in the present, being grateful and enjoying what you already have, and be less perfectionist. I used to be a perfectionist myself too, and I thought for so many years that it was a virtue. It’s not at all. Perfectionism is just a way to cope with the anxiety of being judged by others. If I’m perfect, nobody can say anything. But unfortunately there’s always gonna be someone that is gonna say something (for their own personal reasons), so it doesn’t matter. Perfectionism makes us rigid, and full of anger and resentment towards others while everything is actually happening in the inside.
I don’t want to be a lesson givers here, I’m just sharing what was helpful to me, hoping it can help you too. Good luck.
Hi Guill
A few steps back and some breathing space was what I needed. Thanks for suggesting that. You are right in reminding me of my perfectionist self, the over-achiever. Sometimes I need to re-read my own blog it seems! External validation is still an issue for me. One step at a time. I’ll be back 🙂
NN
Noch
If you want to write, just write. You don’t need any more of a “reason”. There isn’t some big stone table circling the heavens keeping track of what you do. You write very well, you have a gift. It is no more or less of a gift as to whom you write. It just is.
If you want to write for “big” publications you will find a way. It is also okay if you don’t.
I have a sneaking suspicion that your urge to be “great” and nothing less is depression talking. Not to take away from ambition. But no one has to be perfect….yes it makes one rigid.
Please keep sharing. And breathe. And live.
Hug from Houston
Jim
Hi Jim
You are write, there doesn’t need to be any reason. I write if I want. That’s what I want to do.
THanks for being here for me
NN
Dear Nochie,
I have read this last post several times as I was, and still am somewhat puzzled.
When I read your blogs Nochie, your words, your comments, your despairs I read the thoughts of someone who has the strength, the courage of admitting her limitations, her fragility, her discouragements but also her hopes, her desires her encouragement, answers and above all, her generous creativity … When I read you Nochie, I read someone who is forthright, direct in an attempt to better understand what life is all about and to try to make sense of all this for yourself but also for and with others….I read someone who wants to speak the truth…
This questioning you have is totally natural and I would believe that only you and your creative courageous insight should and can answer it… I would dare to say that your blog is and/or has been a tool, an instrument to get somewhere… You might have arrived where this blog had to take you and now something else is waiting for you…
Should you decide to stop your blog, or to take an unlimited sabbatical leave from it, please know that while I will be missing reading your words and discovering the strength of brittleness, I would be profoundly happy as for you will be taking new paths and moving on in your life’s journey, which keeps changing every day…
You write and express yourself extremely well and reading you is a delight. That being said, the delight has to be yours first…
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and for showing to me, and to many others, the strength of fragility…
Take good care of you Nochie and until later…
P.
Bonjour Patrice
Yes, I am puzzled about myself too. Sometimes I feel like I’m schizophrenic too >_< Lots of different thoughts, sometimes in opposite extremes in me. But I guess this is what life is about - knowing what is me and then dealing with myself. I have achieved more clarity in the last 6 weeks, and also re-reading my own journals and some older posts have reminded me why I am doing what I am doing. Things change, life changes, and we change. And it's a constant adaptation. Sometimes we pause and think, then we can move on. 🙂 NN
I like your bears.
Your condition in itself, does not have a unique selling point, if there is one, a journalist would have exploited it by now.
If there is nothing to write, stop and take a break, why treat blogging like another assignment?
Thanks Sisyphus, I love my bears too haha 🙂
Those a good points. Gave me some thinking pointers. Blogging isn’t a “job”. Thanks for helping me think
NN
Hey Nochie,
I just realized something that I need to add on to what I already said.
I think the the voice that is talking about the ‘need to be great’ is the disappointment sweater.
Remember? You were always forced to work and achieve to such high standards, to be initially ‘perfect’ or face the disappointment from your parents and your teachers. You felt like you let them down. You got so used to having to put the bar up so high for yourself that now you do it unconsciously, without meaning to. Like a habit.
I mean, I understand all your ambition (your need and want (which everyone has) to achieve your goals and live up to your full potential); and ambition is great, I’m pretty ambitious myself.
But I think it’s the ‘perfectionism’.
Take care, Noch Noch. 🙂
P.S. hope I didn’t sound judgmental in my last post, just offering advice
I found you here through your article http://tinybuddha.com/blog/uplifting-depression-15-unexpected-lessons-from-adversity/.
I used your article with friends in trying to explain that when in the midst of adversity, we should stop and realize that things will change soon. Adversity is a part of life. If you’re frustrated or unhappy about something, stop and realized all the goodness you have and that the temporary frustration will pass. You will get through challenges.
Keep writing, you are being heard and your message can changes others lives,
Namaste
Thanks Lynne – I had forgotten about that post I wrote on Tiny Buddha, it was a good refresher for me to remind myself too. Thanks for liking what I write and letting me know the influence I can make for others. Be it one, then I have done what I want to do.
Noch Noch
P.S. HuffPo would be interested in the type of piece you wrote here.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/uplifting-depression-15-unexpected-lessons-from-adversity/
Check out this section. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/third-metric/
When you are writing for an audience, you do need to think about the message. You’re not writing for yourself when you write that article. You’re writing for them ;-).
All the best!
The question should be why must I be published in renowned magazines and newspapers? Is it for reaching a greater audience, or for self fulfillment? To show that I can accomplish this? Everything is about balance. We shouldn’t live a life without any goal, nothing to strive for. But if we define ourselves solely and completely on them, that is asking for trouble. There will always be someone at a higher success level than us, in any area of life. But focusing on this fact is not only debilitating, but harmful. We need only to try to be our best and engage everything in life with a heart of gratefulness. Ask yourself if happiness is your end goal. And if it is, then reach for happiness! If you build happiness upon reaching goal A then B then C, you can never be satisfied. And consequently, never truly happy. Desire is insatiable, my psychology prof once said, and so is people who build their happiness upon it. What do all of these mean when we die anyways? Nothing.
Hi Miss Piggy
Good questions. And wise prof you have! Helped me revisit my intentions and motivations. What is my goal? What is my balance? A constant move with the changes in life. Time to redefine
Noch Noch
I want to add I’m a fan of you and your blog. Your blog helped me during my major depression last year. I hope you will recover soon!
🙂 thanks for being my fan too, and thanks for your probing thoughts and questions to help me out!
NN
Throw the tantrum when you need…..
Scold the person that hurt you when you need….
Stay away from these people when you need…
Hug your bears all day when you need….
Cry when you need….
Laugh when you need…
Write when you need…
One thing you do not need is to answer why you need it….
Xiao xiao….
🙂 yah. i think too much. my bears will help me when i hug them ahha
your comment made me smile
thanks Xiao Xiao
NN
I love your writing.
I love writing.
I don’t write often.
But what I do write I choose to share.
Your words are valued no matter how often or not often you write.
But.. I love reading your blog!!!!!!
Thanks Tathata, I will bear this in mind especially on my down days 🙂
Noch Noch
NochNoch,
I am sorry that you don’t feel like writing. Any chance you can post a quick reply and let us know how you are doing?
Wish you all the best!
John
Hi John
Sorry for the delay in replying and thanks for worrying about me. i had a bit of a relapse and I think it was a signal for me to rethink some things. I have done some soul searching and I think I continue to write. Thanks for being patient with me 🙂
Noch Noch
Hi,
My story is very, very similar to yours. Ithas taken me 3 years to figure out what I need to do to recover. I’m well on the way, but it has been quite a struggle. Burnout, specifically, adrenal fatigue, is tough to deal with. I’m not sure if you have considered this, and most traditional doctors don’t know about this condition. Google it, it will probably make a lot of sense to you. You are working on the mind, which is great, but you need to take care of the body like a baby (my apologies if you are already). I was/am also suffering from PTSD- here is a great site: changeyouchoose.com. It gets into the science of it, with some great tips- and honestly, the thing that has helped me the most -meditation – turning off the active nerves.
Drop me a note if you’d like to talk more. Its great to bounce things off people who have been through similar experiences. Best of luck on your journey.
Hi Sean
i’ve not known about adrenal fatigue, interesting. Thanks for bringing it up! What have you decided to do now that you have found a new way?
noch noch
[…] have also been pondering the purpose of my writing. I read everybody’s comments in my last post. Many of them were encouraging, and helped me […]