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Butterflies

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Butterflies petrify me. Such beautiful creatures, so harmless, so delicate, so gentle – their unobtrusive presences anywhere within a radius of 1 meter is sufficient to make me freeze on the spot. When on my own, I would squeal. When others are around, I try to suppress the scream, and walk away calmly. I am in such fear of them that my psychologist decided I needed to undergo desensitization treatment for phobias.

I have recurring dreams and nightmares of butterflies. I run down a long hallway, dimly lit by yellow light bulbs. There are wooden doors on both sides, but all closed. I am fleeing, heart pounding as I sprint down the corridor from the grasp of a gigantic butterfly. He is black in colour, with faint white and yellow dots and lines on its lower wing.
Although I do not see it, I can feel the weight of its wings on the back of my neck. The faster I run, the heavier the wings’ clutch on me. But I continue to run, struggling to fling the butterfly off from my body.

There is a pair of scissors, which cuts off the butterfly’s wings. Yet, when the wings are broken, the taut cling of the butterfly closes in around my neck.

I feel the pressure, half conscious, half asleep. I will myself to wake up. With a shriek, I sit up, gasping for breath, frantically brushing the back of my neck, terrified of the dream’s reminiscence.

Timmie tries to pacify me. I refuse to be consoled. He tells me a story of Muddie’s latest adventure, and slowly I drift off to sleep.

Each time the same cycle.

I cannot stand the sight of butterflies. I do not mind their existence, as long as they stay their distance. Same goes for bees, dragonflies, geckos, flying cockroaches, and any other small beings that can zoom past in the air. I could vomit at the photo of a frog or a snake. My psychologist wondered if this might all be associated with a new phenomenon of trypophobia, a phobia of holes, though not yet defined as a phobia with the APA or WHO. (Be warned, do not Google for images if you have a faint heart – I threw up and was dizzy for the whole day).

I do not like butterflies. I do not understand the dream in my context. I could guess the meaning via the myriad of dream interpretation websites. Yet, what is my unconsciousness telling me?

Do I want to know?

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depression, recover from depression, how to get out of depression, suicide, international executive, expatriate life, self awareness, finding yourself, balanced life, overachiever and depression, burnt out cause depression, stress cause depression, prevent suicide, Beijing depression, Beijing suicide, Noch Noch, Bearapy,

5 Responses

  1. Nigel Chua says:
    22 February, 2014 at 11:20 am

    I understand. Cockroaches scares the bejibbers out of me…Flying ones – OH MY GOODNESS. I will stay far, far, far away. Always.

    Only one way – stay FAR AWAY.

    But butterflies are more common than roaches, so you may have more challenges than me hahahaha =D

  2. Tonya says:
    26 February, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    Butterflies, I can tolerate. Cockroaches are a no! Flying cockroaches are cause for panic!

    Hang in there Noch Noch!

    -Tonya

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) was born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Social Entrepreneur and founded BEARAPY to help corporates make workplaces mentally healthy, and support executives to become more resilient.

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