I loathe waiting. I do not like to wait at the traffic lights, I do not like waiting for responses, I do not like to wait in line, I do not like waiting for my instant noodles to cook… I hate waiting.
I have been overwhelmingly frustrated in the past year. It has been a year of waiting for other people to reply or take action.
My book agent has not been responsive. I was told I would get some suggestions from him in August. 5 months later and he has not replied to any of my emails or voicemail.
There is legal work for some issue at its final stages, and yet this final stage has dragged on for a year.
I feel like I have lost 365 days. In limbo. I feel I cannot move on until some of these issues are resolved. I feel I cannot get better until all ties are cut and I am allowed a rebirth.
I was impatient and anxious. I gave myself restless nights ruminating over what I could do better, what I could have done, what else I could do to speed up processes.
One day, I realized, I have done all I can.
My exhaustion from waiting was because I held on too tightly to those matters. But I gave it my best effort, and everything else, including whether people respond to me or not, was out of my control.
The only thing I could change, was my attitude towards the issues. I shared my anguish with some friends, and typically, they told me to find a new agent. Part of me is lazy and do not want to go through the process again. But the bigger part of me tells me there are reasons for the delay, and I just have to sit tight.
It is a lesson I need to learn – to be patient; to not let others’ actions, or inactions, bother me; to learn not to be annoyed at the whim of situations outside my control.
Until I can let go of the anxiety when things do not go according to my plan, things will not go smoothly, bearing in mind that “smooth” could be different from what I expect.
I hate waiting. But I will learn to wait – in tranquility. It is what it is.
Now, I am waiting for the Year of the Horse to begin…