I have been going through a grudging phase lately. Every time I saw any acquaintance or friend do something well, or them posting happy photos of dinner gatherings and parties together I get bitter.
I was upset because some of these people only call me up when they need a favour or help with something. And each time I said we should meet up and ask them to tell me when they are free, they are always “busy” – busy with hanging out with other people. I understand it, everyone has priorities and I might not be as good a friend for them as others are to them. But I felt used, and sad I was not a good friend for them.
Then I read about other people’s glories and victories on their Facebook feeds, annoyed that they could set up a business easily as their fathers gave them seed money, or they went to all the right schools due to their families’ wealth.
Mostly, I felt jealous.
Jealous that I was not included. Jealous I was not on their radars. Jealous they seemed to be happier than I was. Jealous they seem to have easier endeavours.
As a result, I made myself unhappier than I needed to be.
This jealousy stemmed from an insecurity and diffidence I had in myself. That I did not know where my life was going, and that it felt like I have been plodding along, rumbling around but not getting anywhere or very far.
I relied on external factors and peoples’ opinion for any confidence in myself. I focused on what others have, and what I did not have.
But I forgot about what I had. I forgot about myself.
Everyone has his or her story and upbringing – it is not their faults people were born wealthy. They face judgments and criticisms too that they are successful only because of their families and struggle to make a name for themselves independently (well, okay, some are dead spoilt and floozy…).
There is a time for everything. Maybe today my friends will shine. And my turn will come later.
We can all shine together. There is no competition.
And for those who call me up only because they need a favour, well, I am dropping them off the list….. bye bye!
No more hating… Peace in the heart…
Be me. Be happy being me.