I have been going through a grudging phase lately. Every time I saw any acquaintance or friend do something well, or them posting happy photos of dinner gatherings and parties together I get bitter.
I was upset because some of these people only call me up when they need a favour or help with something. And each time I said we should meet up and ask them to tell me when they are free, they are always “busy” – busy with hanging out with other people. I understand it, everyone has priorities and I might not be as good a friend for them as others are to them. But I felt used, and sad I was not a good friend for them.
Then I read about other people’s glories and victories on their Facebook feeds, annoyed that they could set up a business easily as their fathers gave them seed money, or they went to all the right schools due to their families’ wealth.
Mostly, I felt jealous.
Jealous that I was not included. Jealous I was not on their radars. Jealous they seemed to be happier than I was. Jealous they seem to have easier endeavours.
As a result, I made myself unhappier than I needed to be.
This jealousy stemmed from an insecurity and diffidence I had in myself. That I did not know where my life was going, and that it felt like I have been plodding along, rumbling around but not getting anywhere or very far.
I relied on external factors and peoples’ opinion for any confidence in myself. I focused on what others have, and what I did not have.
But I forgot about what I had. I forgot about myself.
Everyone has his or her story and upbringing – it is not their faults people were born wealthy. They face judgments and criticisms too that they are successful only because of their families and struggle to make a name for themselves independently (well, okay, some are dead spoilt and floozy…).
There is a time for everything. Maybe today my friends will shine. And my turn will come later.
We can all shine together. There is no competition.
And for those who call me up only because they need a favour, well, I am dropping them off the list….. bye bye!
No more hating… Peace in the heart…
Be me. Be happy being me.
Having made a major decision that will change the course of my life…a bad one in the eyes of the world. But a good one in terms of my mental health, I know that I am gonna go through this phase as well. And I aspire to be like what Osho said.
And you’re right, it’s our friends’ time to shine, but our moment will come.
Thank you Noch Noch, coming to your blog eases my mind.
Hi Chels
Great to hear from you – and so encouraging to know you have found what is right for you. OUr moments will come. So will yours
Thanks for coming to my blog
Noch Noch
真的好喜欢你写的东西，每次我看了都会有一种内心的共鸣。。。
我一直不敢遇到认识的人，就好像你说的那样，他们过得比我好，而我只是像一只可怜虫那般，不停的自怜自哀，越是这样，就越不能自拔，就越讨厌自己，有时，想要虚伪，又虚伪不了，像要展现忧郁的自我，又讨厌呈现这种样貌，这种内耗真的好累，好累。。。
越要做自己，但就越无办法，不知你有这种感觉吗？
黑狗
有啊！所以我盡量不去想其他人。想他們對自己無益啊。
現在我只想自己。只能夠這樣
諾
I believe everyone goes through this phase every now and then, especially when we are feeling down and lost.
As for me, when I start going into ‘hater’ mode, I will just try to remember that God is fair and nobody is perfect. And as you said, there is no competition. And strive for that inner peace.
It’s not easy, but we all just need to keep trying.
Hi Lily
That’s a great thing to remember – it’s not a competition! 🙂
Hope you are doing well
NN
Get rid of your Facebook. Its your no. 1 source of misery 🙂
Good point Sony! 🙂
NN
Hi!
how are you? Nice reading your column after a long time. do mail back and take care
srini,Bangalore, India
Hi Srini
All’s the same, bubbling along. How are you?
Noch Noch
Reading this made me realize how my friend feels. Sometimes she’ll try to make herself part of the group, but is forcing it. Then she’ll stop talking to us and spread rumors. I never really knew how she felt until I read this.
Hi Madi
Am glad it helped!
Noch Noch
God gave us DOMINION POWER when He created and made MAN but man failed to use this great power to think ahead, pray ahead, read ahead and write ahead, and many more…this gives a tumor hatred spirit that one cannot attained such position or carrier in life. Thanks be to God through this writer who enlightened us anew to always belief in yourself that you too can make way on earth. FAJICARES…from NIGERIA.
it all depends on who we allow to control our lives. I have realised that who ever you have given the power to control your life is the person you have made your god. Genuine friends see and compliment you whether they need a favour from you or not. Friends’ that only remember you when they need a favour are more of sycophants.
Well said Olumide!
NN
hello! i’ve read past posts that i was nodding along to but this is my first response. this post resonates with me so much! since i have spent the past few years recovering and backsliding into depression. i can’t help feel pangs of guilt laced with jealousy especially as i see my friends progress, strive and meet milestones in their lives as i still struggle to recover to a mere point of normalcy. as much as i am cheering them on there is also a tinge of bitterness because i can’t help but compare.
but i like how you reframed the situation…. “it’ll be our turn to shine later.” i suppose we just have to accept this is where we are.
happy recovery.
Hi Eleni
Thanks for writing and supporting my blog. Your turn to shine will come too. I feel you though, and I drift between jealousy here and then. but we learn each time to confront our emotions, and channel that energy to something constructive
Noch Noch
[…] I have spoken to, and some of the expert advice I read online, also recommended writing as a way to release stress and elucidate thoughts. This was relatively easy for me as I started writing a journal since I was […]
Hi Noch Noch,
I commented sometime back on your blog and I have since felt much better and am back to work. But, you are constantly on my mind and I do wander back for a read, a reality check and to keep in touch.
I get into hater mode too and whilst I do not understand that at the time that I’m being insecure and unhappy. Now I understand myself better and I tend to skip those posts on FB about their success or glory stories. Some I can rejoice with them. Some can make me cringe. I feel better now as I recognise the problem and the trigger and I tend to steer away from those triggers. Some friends have been ignored n the bunch of people who have been coming to me for favours, unfriended!!! 😀
I recognise I am a human with some what fragile state of mind and I’m in recovery. I consciously stay away from negative creatures and people and friends who leech and drains me mentally and physically. I still have bouts but I wanna be happy and be me!
Stay happy Noch Noch. Keep writing!
Hi Blomky
How are you doing? good to hear from you. Glad to know you are back at work and feeling better – plus great to hear how you steer away from the triggers that make you a “hater” 🙂
I keep learning everyday. And sometimes those closest to me are the biggest drainers so that’s tough, but I’m trying to balance it out.
Thanks for dropping by again and continuing to support my writing!
NN
[…] switch on the hater attitude and delete these newsletters from my email […]