The last few months have been hard for me. I had relapse episodes. Mood sunk. I kept up appearances for some time but eventually I dwindled. I lost energy. I stopped my exercise regime and could not move myself from the sofa. The random crying bouts and temper tantrums came back. The man came back. I was troubled by a sense of guilt – and regression.
I felt responsible for not being able to keep up the lifestyle we had enjoyed over the years. The need to cut back on spending because I am not working, starting to pay rent, bills, and financial expenses every normal person would have to make, made me feel like my life was going backwards. It was as if I was losing grip, losing things I had earned over the years.
In my negative mode, I branded that as regression.
Then my friend knocked some sense in me, something I knew at the back of my mind but would not accept.
Status, lifestyle, enjoyment… it was a matter of how I defined it. Moving to a smaller apartment, spending less on travel (or not travelling at all), cooking more at home instead of eating out etc, all looked like from the outside, a step back.
However, I had ignored my gains. My friend reminded me that I had earned a choice.
A choice to do what I want, a choice to focus on my health and recover, a choice in changing my lifestyle and not be addicted to the banker lifestyle, a choice to be who I am.
Sometimes I feel torn; I can’t let go of the indulgences. I enjoy my luxury hotels and spas, the ability to purchase without thinking, the freedom to fly around last minute. Yet part of me want to pursue a simpler lifestyle, and I am just scared of how people will think of me.
Still, after such a big life lesson, I am at times, more worried about how other would see me instead of what I want and need. I need to re-read my own blog at remind myself of my own observations.
Indeed, there is nothing wrong with the material goods per se, it is how much importance we place on them. My life is no less specialer just because I don’t own a business card, a house and diamond rings.
Priorities change, and life moves on.
Everyday is progress, for we learn something new. Regression is not possible.
I earned the choice and freedom to reorient my lifestyle.
What did you earn?