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communication breakdown: share your experience in my ebook

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My friend confided in me last week that her boyfriend is on the brink of depression. For a few weeks he did not want to get out of bed or do anything. He complained about the world, felt guilty for doing so, and had nothing but negative thoughts. She was annoyed with his thinking, and frustrated that he did not seem to want to help himself. She told me she could not stay with a person as such, and thought about breaking up with him.

I asked her to reconsider. I told her what it was like for me in depression, why I thought those irrational thoughts, how I felt, and also what it was like for Timmie to look after me.

A few days later, she wrote me back and thanked me for giving her the perspective. She admitted she could not relate to her boyfriend but after my explanation she could better empathize and see from his side. It sparked off a thought in my little brain — communication breaks down between the depressed and their friends and family.

友人向我吐露,她的男友正處於絕望的邊緣。幾個禮拜來,他都不願離床或做任何事。他抱怨這個世界,又對自己的所作所為感到愧疚,他什麽也沒有,只有消極的想法。她對他的想法感到厭煩。因為他似乎也不想自救,她感到甚為氣憤。她告訴我,她無法和如此的一個人待下去,想要和他分手。我勸她三思。并告訴她當我處於抑鬱時,我為何會產生荒誕的想法,我是當時怎麼想的。她的狀況其實就正如Timmie在照顧抑鬱的我時一樣

幾天後,她給我回信了。感謝我幫助她看透這一切。此前她告訴我,她不能跟她的男友再處下去了。但在我給她解釋后,她進行了換位的思考,并開始留意到這境況的另一面。

My friend’s story is but one example. Reading the comments on one of my top read post, “10 things not to say to a depressed person,” I noticed the gigantic communication gap because simply, we do not communicate. As a result, both the depressed and those around them become frustrated, annoyed, guilty, angry, belittled, and indifferent.

On one side, those who suffer from clinical depression shut themselves up from the world and those close to them. They experience a concoction of guilt, desperation, confusion, hopelessness, loneliness, alienation, anger, sorrow… The nature of the illness makes it difficult to express these emotions or explain the thoughts behind, especially as majority of people would not agree with the pessimism and negativity.

On the other hand, for those around the depressed, they do not understand why we do not help ourselves get out of the rut, why we are so negative, why can’t just get on with our lives and confront the challenges.

Consequently, both sides think the other side are unreasonable. They stop the minimal communication they had, and sulk in their respective corners.

In reality, there is no right or wrong; it depends which side of the fence we are on. Everyone has his or her stories, background, experience, and personal interpretations. I would not want to write off anyone. Depression taught me humility, bringing down my self-righteous pride and critical judgments. I am learning empathy and compassion, and to slowly dilute my arrogance.

For better or for worse, I have been on both sides of the fence now. I can now empathize both the depressed and those who have friends or family depressed. It is an intricate web to decipher but I would like to elucidate the issue for those who care to hear.

As such, I am embarking on a new project – to compile a free ebook on depression.

There are many good books out there on the topic, and I envision my ebook to complement in a succinct way, with the theme of “Bridging the Communication Gap.” I will offer the ebook as a free download. It will not be a 300-page novel but rather a quick read to offer insights into the thinking of the depressed, those taking care of the depressed, and friends and family of the depressed. Hopefully this could diminish the communication breakdown between us and help a few wandering souls.

I must admit I have not thought out the whole structure of the ebook yet but I must start somewhere. And other people’s stories would make for convincing tales to assist others getting through the challenge. So with this, I ask for your help and contribution towards the content.

If you have had, or still suffer from clinical depression, or if you have interacted with anyone who has had or still suffer from clinical depression, then I would love to hear from you.

If you have thoughts, suggestions and opinions about the theme, please don’t hesitate to write either. 

1. Here are a few guidelines and details to include:

  • Write about the theme “Bridging the Communication Gap for Depression” in 500 words. You are free to write whatever you want, but please ensure the integrity and honesty of your story for I do not want fictional experience.
  • Put your name (pen names accepted), email address, website (if any), Twitter name (if any), and your geographical location towards the end of the article.
  • Include a 3-sentence biography.
  • Email articles as Word document to nochnoch (at) nochnoch (dot) com, with subject heading as “Ebook contribution.”
  • Please include a headshot as Jpeg.
  • All languages entertained, but if written in any language other than English, Chinese, French, or Spanish, it would help if you could provide an English translation.
  • Deadline for submission: 15 November 2012.

2. Some prompt questions to help you get started:

  • Did you communicate your depression to others? How did you communicate? What were people’s reactions? How did it make you feel?
  • How did you react and feel when someone told you he or she was depressed? Did you know what depression was or the extent of the illness?
  • Have you said these phrases to anyone before? What was the situation? What were your thoughts behind the spoken words? Did you know they were depressed?
  • What is one thing you would like to tell your friends and family about why you feel depressed?
  • What do you wish your depressed friend or family member had told you?

3. And to avoid future confusion, please note:

  • I accept (parts of) articles already published elsewhere, in which case, please first ensure you have syndication rights, and let me know at the end of your article in the same Word document where it was first published and the reference. I do not want to be sued for plagiarism and copyright infringement.
  • By submitting your hitherto unpublished article to me I have first publication rights. I do not mind that you submit your article elsewhere thereafter, but please ensure those organizations do not require exclusivity.
  • I may also post some articles here on the blog as guest posts if I deem appropriate.
  • I cannot guarantee to publish every single article I receive and please do not take be offended if I do not.
  • I reserve the right to edit the articles for final publication in the ebook, on any of my websites, and any future publications. You will of course be notified and duly credited.

I look forward to your suggestions to fix the communication breakdown. It would help create a supportive environment for the depressed to recover, and a less frustration situation for those around them to handle.

Let’s do this together! Thank you in advance for your contributions.

If you know someone who would be interested in writing an article, please share this post with them.

depression, share your depression experience, recover from depression, Tiger Mother, international executive, stress from work, stress as a banker

請銘記我其中一篇瀏覽量最高的文章,“10件不能和抑鬱者說的事”。 我發現其實抑鬱者和我們周圍的人并不存在溝通的障礙,僅僅是因為我們之間缺乏溝通。

一方面,那些抑鬱癥患者自我隔絕了外界以及任何想接近他們的人。他們所遭受的是愧疚,消沉,迷茫,絕望,孤獨,疏離,憤怒,悲傷等等的多重壓抑。病癥的本質使得表達情感和解釋想法變得異常困難,在大多數人不能接受悲觀和消極情緒的情況下更甚艱難。

另一方面, 抑鬱者周圍的人, 亦不能理解為何我們不嘗試自己走出抑鬱,為何我們如此的消極,為何我們不願再次踏上生活的路途,迎接挑戰。

造成的結果是,雙方都認為對方不可理喻,抱怨缺乏理解。

事實上,這是沒有對錯之分的;唯一的區分是我們所扮演的角色。每個人都有他們的故事,背景,經歷以及自我演繹方式。 我無意寫給任何一方。抑鬱教曉了我謙遜,帶領我自省和自我判定。目前,我正學習的是換位思考和同情心,逐步稀釋我的傲慢

無論好壞,我都已扮演過雙方的角色。現在,我可以深刻體會到抑鬱者和抑鬱者身邊的親友的感受。假設需要解釋,這將會是一個複雜的網絡。但我仍願意為那些關注這些事情的朋友稍作解釋。

對此,我正著手于一個新的項目——編寫關於抑鬱癥的電子書。

關於這個專題已經有太多的好書了。我希望我的電子書藉“橋越溝通障礙”的主題,能在這個專題上作一些簡潔而又有力的補充。這本電子書將提供免費下載。它不是一本300頁的小說,而是對於抑鬱癥患者的親友,或者是一些正照顧抑鬱癥患者的人的快速指引,內容將涉及到對於抑鬱癥的一些想法和見解。有望減少我們之間的溝通障礙。

我必須承認的是,對於我的電子書,我還沒有確立一個明確的結構。但是我已經確立了方向,并清楚應由何處開始。因此,我需要你們的幫助,對內容提出建議。

如果你曾經患有抑鬱癥或正遭受抑鬱癥的折磨,又或者你曾與他們接觸,我都希望聽到來自你們的意見。假若你對這個專題有任何的想法,建議以及意見,也請你們不要猶豫,寫出來!

以下是一些方案和細節

  • 以“橋越溝通障礙”為主題,寫一篇500字(單詞)以內的文章。內容不限,但請確認您的故事的真實性,因為我想要的不是臆造的經歷。
  • 在文章的最後注上你的名字 (筆名亦可), 電郵地址, 網站 (可選), 推特用戶名 (可選), 以及地理位置。
  • 加上三句話的個人簡介。
  • 將文章以Word的格式發送到 nochnoch (at) nochnoch (dot) com, 電郵標題為“給電子書的建議”。
  • 另外請附上一張Jpeg格式的肖像照。
  • 任何語言均可,但如果是英文,中文,法文,西班牙文以外的語言,附上英文譯本會更有助于理解。
  • 2012 年 11 月 15 日 前

請自由發揮,一些可討論的問題有:

  • 您是如何向他人傳達您的抑鬱感的?
  • 如果有人向您說他感到很抑鬱,您會有什麽反應?
  • 您曾經以這些話語駁斥過他人嗎(LINK TO POST)?當時的情況是怎樣的?您說這些話背後的用意是什麽?
  • 您想要告訴你朋友或家人關於您爲什麽感到抑鬱的事情是什麼呢?
  • 您想要患有抑鬱癥的朋友或家人早點告訴您的又是什麽?

請注意:

  • 我接受這些文章(部份)已在別處出版,在這種情況下,請首先確保您有聯合組織的權力,并在文章的同一Word文檔最後處標明告知。我不希望被以剽竊或侵犯版權控告。
  • 若您提供的是迄今尚未出版的文章,從而使我獲得首次出版權,我并不會介意您此後把文章提供到別處。但請確保你所提交給的機構沒有對文章提出獨享性要求。
  • 我不能保證發佈所有我所收到的文章。如果我沒有發表您的文章,希望您請勿將其使我冒犯。
  • 如果我認為這些意見適合的話,我或者會將這裏面的其中幾則作為遊客貼發佈到我的博客里。
  • 本人將保留修改這些文章以及最終出版到電子書上或任何我的個人網站上,以及將來的出版物上的權力。當然,會注明您的名字,歸功到您。

衷心希望能收到您關於修補溝通障礙的建議。您的建議將有助於為抑鬱癥患者提供一個更好的康復環境,給他們一個更少挫敗感的境況。

讓我們共同努力!在此提前感謝您的貢獻。

如果您認識的人中可能對撰寫這樣的文章有興趣,請將這則博文轉給他們。

depression, share your depression experience, recover from depression, Tiger Mother, international executive, stress from work, stress as a banker

9 Responses

  1. Justin Mazza says:

    Great idea Noch. Everyone has experienced depression at one time or another in their lives. It is important though to “know the signs” and take action to get out of that rut.

    I know of some people that get clinically depressed and I see how much it affects their lives and those around them.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Justin

      Thanks for the support, and look forward to your help or your readers’ sharing of their experience to this. I hope we can reach many more others and increase the communication flow 🙂

      Noch Noch

  2. Natalie says:

    Let’s get my age out of the way. I’m 12 years old. I am so confused about what’s happening to me. I have depression, anxiety, and I think I have an eating disorder because I feel heavy and fat and I eat a big breakfast, no lunch, and barely two bits of my dinner. I have forced myself to throw up. Anyways, it started last year when I was severley beaten four times by a group of girls. I remeber one day I came home with two bruised ribs, a black eye, and my wrist was twisted.

    I started having thoughts of suicide, well, because I felt like no one liked me. I didn’t fight back. I was weak for showing my pain. Alof the sixth grade was cheering these girls on. I told my mom a altered version of the story so she wouldn’t get worried. The next time it happened, one of the girls pushed me down. I got back up and punched her in the face. I wish I never did. She grabbed my hair and slammed my head into the picnic table. I ended saving myself from a concussion by elbowing her in the head.

    That night I picked up a razor and cut. That was the first time.

    Everyday since I haven’t stopped, except when I went to Aruba and I had to wear a bathingsuit.

    this year I started seventh grade. I’m into the whole metalcore/heavy metal/alternative/death metal/screamo kind of music. I fit into a group of people consisting of my bestfriend since 2005 and her boyfriend. We all have one thing in common; The type of music we listen to, suicidal thoughts, interests, depression.

    Then I met this kid who I thought was the cutest boy in the world. We became fast friends; I thought he actually liked me. Wrong.

    I told him everything. By everything, I mean practically my whole life. I told him about the cutting and deression. He thought I was crazy. He told the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor told my mom. My mom told a Intense Care Center.

    I’m in intense therepy, family care, individual therepy, and behavioral correction.

    It’s been getting worse, though. On thursday, the 24th, I had a bag of xtra strength Tylenol in my hand and a glass of water, ready to take them. I was ready to die.

    I told my mom. She told me she tried to kill herself, so did my great grandmother, and so on. I guess it’s a hibitual kind of thing, the chemical imbalance in my brain.

    I went to the mall where me and that kid spent the whole day. Happy memories, but now all he leaves is bad memories. Everyday, even online.

    I thought of throwing myself out of the car onto the highway.

    I need some help, I knows I’m thinking of telling my mom I need an evaluation for a mental hospital. I don’t know what to do.

    Help me please, I need advice from someone other than my mother.

    (this isn’t an entry for the article contest)

    thank you so much,
    Natalie

    • Rachel says:

      Natalie –

      We have been friends since 2005, I know for a fact youre not fat. You are 86 pounds. You are underweight for your age.

      Natalie, we have been telling eachother these things since last year, so I get it. I’ve been there. He’ll, I’m still there babycakes.

      Don’t worry, we will both try to make it. A long with Robert <3. Even if it means having group chats just to get our feelings out there so no one on school can make fun of us more, because of you know who telling the guidance counselor.

      Boo, I love you, and Robert & I will be here for you until the end of this depression we all have. We will all pull through.

      I wish you the best cinnimon buns, call me tomorrow.

      <3 Rach <3

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Natalie

      I think you are in good hands with a counselor, and if you need to vent, you can do so here. But I hope you want to live and find for yourself the beautiful things you can do and see in the future. You still have many years ahead for you. It’s a good step you already know you need help, and it seems your friends are there for you. Bullying seems a big issue and I think best let adults / guidance counselor address it. I can’t be more concrete as I don’t know you well enough and also I’m not a psychologist.
      If you want to talk to other professionals, you can try Psych Central, Look Ok Feeling Crap, Blurt it Out, Time to Talk websites. They have free access to counselors and may be able to give you some advice

      Noch Noch

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.