I am better because I eat more these days?
Then why do I still get panic attacks whenever someone says the word “bank”?
I write here as therapy, dealing with past issues and moving on
Then why do I feel guilty for not having bought my mother a mansion by now and feeling like I let the whole world down not working or producing an income?
You see me every now and then and think I am cheerful?
Then why do I sit and cry for nothing on the days you do not see me?
My doctor said there are people more incapacitated than me (I lodged a complaint by the way at her insensitivity despite professional expertise)
Then this means I am healed?
I indulge in jigsaw puzzles and calligraphy to “chill out” and live in the moment, meditating for serenity
Then why does the man hover and menace me every other day?
I found an enlightenment and passion in writing and being open about my experience
Then why do I still feel lost?
I tell myself to be me, right here on this blog, and to do what I feel is right for me
Then why do I care when people accuse me for not thanking them for their wedding presents when it is already on my list of things to do and I just haven’t gotten around printing the thank you cards yet?
Talking to my bears makes me giggle
Then why do I muse over the most efficient way to die the next second?
I have friends and a loving husband
Then why do I want to escape and run away somewhere and yet have no idea where that somewhere is?
I can smile and see people in a social setting
Then why do I tense up and crouch into claustrophobia whenever I am in a crowded and hectic environment?
It has been two years and eight months since the official diagnosis
I am getting impatient at the ups and downs and random bouts of tantrums I throw
I am tired of suspended animation.
I do not enjoy staring out the window in a daze, drawing up the guest list for my funeral
You tell me to stop thinking like that – first off, do NOT tell me that!
But I am trying, I really am. I do not enjoy this state.
I force myself to exercise and eat regularly and leave the apartment.
But I do not control my dreams of death and nightmares of being hunted by the big black bear.
Life is not all rainbows every day. It can be pretty shitty
I am just pointing out the obvious. Down days happen
I try to distract myself with stories in my head
But sometimes all I want to do is to hide in my Bearoom and let them take me away to a mystical land of just bears, fluffy clouds, and ice-cream.
I am not asking for attention or comforting words
I am just wondering out loud.
Hi Noch Noch,
Everyday is a struggle. We all struggle to deal with the hand life has dealt us in our own way. Some are more open about their struggles than others. Some struggle harder than others. Some are enlightened and do not struggle. It is clear you have put in the effort, but like meditation, unwanted thoughts crop up from time to time. This is expected. Observe them, then let them go when you can and return to your calm centre.
Looking at the lives of all the Aries in the world, I realize ours is a struggle with discipline. For me especially, it is a struggle to focus my energy on one thing at a time instead of letting it radiate out in so many directions. I know discipline will not come early or easily to me. I accept that and flow with my down days, aware that this too will pass. I plan ahead, make allowances for my weaknesses and carry on.
I try to do the things I enjoy but I know there will be times when dark thoughts visit me. What else is there to do but to accept it, manage it as best as I can and keep on fighting? I struggle and yet I do not. Such are the paradoxes of life.
But throughout it all, I remember my one purpose which I have chosen to devote my life to. As long as I have this purpose to serve as my calm centre, I know it will guide my path and focus my efforts. I will do all I can to fulfill this purpose I have chosen. If I succeed, I will become all I can be. If I do not, I know I never stopped trying as long as I lived. This is how I keep the darkness at bay. This is how I keep pressing on no matter how hard it is. Such is my struggle and non-struggle.
Thank you for sharing your random thoughts! 🙂
Irving the Vizier
You are always very wise. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am learning to accept these random thoughts and go with it. And not to be too harsh on myself for things that go against plan.
Thankyou for this. I think the reason people can make an assumption of us so quickly is because they don’t see whats inside, they assume that we’re happy or if we don’t want to meet people we’re “Stuck up or miserable loners” (I’ve been called these things, but the people who said this to me said it in a much worse kind of way.) You know, i talk to my hamster and imagine he’s talking back to me. It’s good to talk to something that wont talk back because atleast you don’t get critasism or any grief. If you ever want to talk to me, you can. 🙂 You’ve actually been really helpful to me, talking to me on here, it’s given me some hope. But if you do feel like talking, i always check your site nearly everday! 🙂
Yes, communication breaks down between us and others. I also know being negative all the time drags down my friends. So I try not to express too much with people I am not close enough with. Thanks for checking my site so often and sorry I don’t post content everyday. Learning to not stress myself out with writing either 🙂
Oh don’t worry about that! I just think your site is so helpful. 🙂 Really though, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t reply straight away and thats good you’re learning not to stress yourself out with writing. 😀 And you’re welcome! 🙂
I think Irving has written beautifully in acceptance and response to you, and your written work. There’s nothing much I can add to his writing and yours, except to say I hear, I understand, and I see you, Nochie. It’s okay, it’s part of life. That’s not to say that “you should accept it as everyone has struggles etc”, but what I’m saying is, “Hey Nochie, I see you, I hear you, I understand you; I’m sorry that you’re going through this, we may not be with you physically, but assuredly, we’re with you. My prayer goes to you.
To end, I’d like to share this that I read recently:
There is no love of life without despair about life. Albert Camus.
Be blessed, and arise.
Warmest thoughts, love and prayers
How are you. Thank you SO much. Sometimes I think I just need someone to hear and see me. That made me feel fuzzy and warm 🙂
Camus is very wise isn’t it. Haha. These few days have not been good but learning to deal with it all
Hope you are well. I can see your smiley face 🙂
Haha hey there Nochie! How’s things going for you? You’ve been pretty active and running about recently – good to be energetic =)
I’ve been great! Very busy these few weeks at the clinic, things have picked up on the upswing, looking for staff and have more and more patients coming into the clinic and being referred, so quite happy and excited actually =)
(that’s why I hadn’t been blogging and commenting around as much as before =p)
Ah…I see you, though not in person, not in flesh, but in spirit, as weird or offish as that may sound, and I hear you, feel your pain. You are not alone – there is so many people here in the world with you – your loved ones, your readers, your friends – remember to focus on the good, not just on the bad.
Yet, Camus was right. It’s something I thought up a long time ago – it takes experiencing a negative, a bad, a pain, for us to be able to appreciate the positive, the good, the freedom. There is no love of life without despair. I’d like to take it one step further, and say:
“The depth of one’s ability to feel pain, sorrow and sadness commensurates directly with the capacity one has to feel love, joy and completion”
One thing you can consider doing is to write a list of things you can give thanks for, maybe 10 things e.g. for your hubby, your readers, supporters, being able to see, breathe, think etc, and start off your day looking at that and reading that – to set the mood =)
Good to know the clinic is going well, and your wife – she is well too?
Yup I might start making my thankful list now 🙂
She’s much better – more time on her hands to destress…and to watch her chinese tv series (OMG). We’re hiring staff to help us as well so we’re looking to more and more growth financially and personally.
Yes, come up with the gratitude list and another list which is the “code of honor” list – sorta “rules to live by” to help me manage my days and life.
I hope the list and code sheds some light somewhat, Nochie =)
Warm fuzzy thoughts
Thanks for the code and list – enlightening. i may write one for myself, and actually i tried and only in writing it does it make me think about my core values!
And good to hear about your wife. i swear by TV series – esp Honkie ones on TVB. I watch them on tudou.com ahha
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