I am better because I eat more these days?
Then why do I still get panic attacks whenever someone says the word “bank”?
I write here as therapy, dealing with past issues and moving on
Then why do I feel guilty for not having bought my mother a mansion by now and feeling like I let the whole world down not working or producing an income?
My doctor said there are people more incapacitated than me (I lodged a complaint by the way at her insensitivity despite professional expertise)
Then this means I am healed?
I tell myself to be me, right here on this blog, and to do what I feel is right for me
Then why do I care when people accuse me for not thanking them for their wedding presents when it is already on my list of things to do and I just haven’t gotten around printing the thank you cards yet?
I can smile and see people in a social setting
Then why do I tense up and crouch into claustrophobia whenever I am in a crowded and hectic environment?
It has been two years and eight months since the official diagnosis
I am getting impatient at the ups and downs and random bouts of tantrums I throw
I am tired of suspended animation.
I do not enjoy staring out the window in a daze, drawing up the guest list for my funeral
You tell me to stop thinking like that – first off, do NOT tell me that!
But I am trying, I really am. I do not enjoy this state.
I force myself to exercise and eat regularly and leave the apartment.
But I do not control my dreams of death and nightmares of being hunted by the big black bear.
Life is not all rainbows every day. It can be pretty shitty
I am just pointing out the obvious. Down days happen
I am not asking for attention or comforting words
I am just wondering out loud.