Searching for a special present? Bored from regular gifts and want to excite your significant other, friend or even your boss? We have the answer. Here you can buy homemade valentine gifts online - handmade of high-quality natural fur(natural mink). These handcrafted things are elegant and stylish and refined. And without doubts it’s the perfect gift for any case both for men and women. In our listing you never will find two similar things: all homemade valentine gifts are absolutely unique and exclusive. We say its very exclusive gift for anyone.. Easy way to combat erectile dysfunction problems for men living in New Zealand. Simply buy cialis nz online and get fast and reliable delivery for the pills of your choice.

10 things not to say to a depressed person (and please don’t ever say to me either)


I cringed at these things my friends said to me these few years. For those of you who don’t really get us, I’ve decided to let you know  10 things not to say to a depressed person from my own experience.And be forewarned, for if you ever dare to even start uttering the below to me, I will hang you by your legs upside down, skin you alive and then deep fry you before publicly disowning you and denying your pitiful existence.

I had never thought people would write to me for advice and suggestions. A few weeks back, a friend wrote to me and said she just found out that a family member of a friend has depression. But her friend did not know what to say or how to encourage the depression sufferer. She asked me if I had any recommendations. It got me thinking.

However, as I’m not a doctor, I can’t give medical advice. Moreover, what to say is very dependent on the personality and situation of the oppressed. But what I can offer is my take on what NOT to say to someone in depression. Hopefully this can help you empathize where we weirdos are coming from, and for you to be more sensitive to our plight.

And on that note, may I solemnly remind you again: please don’t ever ever EVER again say the below in bold type to me in whatever circumstances if you consider me a friend. Otherwise I’m throwing a tantrum in your face.

Do NOT say:- (Oh wow, I’m writing a list!!!)

1. “Remain Positive”

I think: Duh! I know – but how? To me, my reality is that the world has alreadycaved in. What is irrational to you makes utmost sense to me. I’m so angry / upset / sad / lonely / devastated / hopeless / in despair… Why can’t you understand me?

I feel: Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.


2. “Don’t think like that”

I think: Why not? What’s wrong with thinking like I do? It’s an honest opinion. I really think this. It’s negative all right, but that’s what I think, so what’s wrong? So how should I think instead? Like you? But I don’t agree with you, and then I become you if I think like you…? 

I feel: I did something wrong for thinking a certain way, and you reprimanded me for thinking so. Thus, I withdraw, and berate myself for thinking the way I do, and spiral further down into depression due to self-criticism. 

3. “Pull yourself together” / “Snap out of it” and the likes

I think: How? Snap out of what? I don’t want to be like this either, you think it’s fun?

I feel: Feel completely useless and hopeless that I’m incapable of holding myself together and getting better. Depression snowballs with this sense of incompetence.


4. “Why do you need to be depressed?”

I think: Umm… I don’t know, I wish I knew. Doctors said it’s because of some imbalance in serotonin in me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!

I feel: Accused of committing a heinous crime to be depressed. Confused because I don’t know what happened to make me depressed and how it all happened. Lost since I don’t know how to get out of depression. Feel inferior and worse about myself, so I hide from you as well because I don’t want to feel inadequate. 



5. “Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful”

I think: I am thankful for what I have. But what does that have to do with depression? Doctors and every website I’ve read say depression is an illness and has biological factors. Depression needs to be treated as any other sickness. You are lucky too, be thankful – stop having a freaking cold and sneezing germs into the air I breathe!

I feel: Misunderstood as a spoilt, ungrateful little girl when I’m not. Frustrated for being misunderstood, cry, wail, sad. Retreat into my hiding place – again.


6.  Go do something and you will feel better.”

I think: Go do what? I can’t be bothered. I’m tired. I’m not interested. I have no energy. I just want to sleep. Doing something won’t make me feel better. Leave me alone.

I feel: Tired and lethargic, and no energy to think about what to do. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.

(N.B. What did work, was instead of telling me to do something, my fiancé simply made me put my clothes on, slid me into my boots, and dragged me out of the house for a walk, talking about random things on the way, not once mentioning anything to do how I was doing or asking if I felt better.)


7.  “What’s wrong with you?”

I think: I WISH I KNEW. I wish I knew. Oh how I wish I knew. Can you tell me? Can somebody tell me? I don’t want to be like this. Why am I like this?

I feel: Absolutely hopeless because I don’t know why I became like this, and I was unable to find out the reasons behind my depression. Very belittled and angry at myself. Can’t deal with this. I might as well die.


8. “You should do this…” or “You should not do this (such as kill yourself)…”

I think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not hungry.

I feel: Patronized by your condescending tone (even if you didn’t have one). Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence – you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.


9.  “See how others suffer even worst, and have no food to eat, be grateful for what you have”

I think: But you told me not to compare myself with others when I told you I was envious of others who have achieved more than me. So how double faced is it that just because others are less fortunate I can compare with them? I know you are trying to tell me I should count my blessings – I do, trust me I do. But how does this solve my depression? I still feel that life is not worth living despite being grateful for what I have. I am too tired to carry on and try.

I feel: Baffled as to why sometimes you say don’t compare and other times you tell me to do so. I don’t understand how being thankful makes me feel better, because what I have now has no meaning and no value to me. I JUST WANT TO DIE. Maybe if I die, there’d be more food for those who don’t have any. Proceed to jumping out the window from 30th floor.


10.  “It’s all in your head…”

I think: IT’S NOT! But I know. How do I change my head? It’s not my fault. I didn’t want this. I can’t control it. I’m trying but I can’t!

I feel: Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Inept at everything I’m trying to do and worse, for disappointing you. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…


You might consider our reactions and emotions to what you say extremely unreasonable. I will not argue about it. Nevertheless, bear in mind that someone affected by depression does have a lot of “irrational” thoughts by standard of the norm. Yet, it is our reality and we completely believe it, irrational or not. So don’t try to debate or convince us otherwise. You will only push us further down our bleak track.

My contention is that, the wrong thing said, can unknowingly push a depressed friend over the edge. Not to be fatalistic, but 60% of suicides in the world is associated depression – go ask the World Health Organization if you don’t believe me.

Please, give us a break. If we all had a choice, I don’t think any of us would want to linger in a state of depression.

If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Just sit with us, let us cry, kick your shoes or whatever. That’s maybe all we need for now. Leave the lecturing to a medical expert such as a psychologist who can do it skillfully.

I compiled this from experience and based on my own reactions; I winced every time someone said the above to me in the last three years. Just for reference.

If you have anything else to add to the list of things to not say to a depressed person, feel free to in comments below. And if you liked this blurb please share with your friends and help my blog grow. Thanks :)


986 Responses

  1. I hate depressed people says:

    Im tired of hearing about how Non-Depressed people need to live their lives around Depressed people. Depressed people absolutely ruin the lives of the Non-Depressed and the Non-Depressed are supposed to just “do nothing,” or “be supportive” as you yell, and cry and make a scene and ruin the lives Non-Depressed persons life. Nobody ever speaks of the narcissism involved in Depression. For those of us who are living with Depressed partners, where is the sympathy? Where is the responsibility, expressed while not having an episode, of this sickness?

    • I like pina coladas and destroying bigots says:

      Bad experience with someone you know?
      First of all: *No-one* wants to be depressed. It sucks. Everything feels wrong and you wonder why you’re still existing, even though you’re the most worthless thing on the earth. What’s the point of getting out of bed? Why get out the shower? Don’t bother getting dressed properly, you’re not doing anything good today. At all. Also, you’ll only annoy your friends if you see them, and you’re the death of all puppies.
      It’s awfully selfless and self-centred at the same time. To feel like that *everyday* is possible. If you have a partner or relative with depression, and you are obviously not dealing with it very well, look for local counselling services for both of you.
      Otherwise, beautifully intelligent username you have there…

    • Liz says:

      You are a horrible person. YOU are the one whos selfish not the person struggling with depression. God forbid you be a decent human being and help someone who has it way worse.

    • Tired and Frustrated says:

      I understand where you are coming from. One of my best friends has depression and I always felt like I needed to tiptoe around her and not say anything to her when she was feeling sad/upset/lonely. I never understood depression, still don’t. I still feel “annoyed” when she texts me everything she feels, thinks, wants, not because of what she has written, but because it has been happening everyday. Recently. I still want to tiptoe around her and make sure I don’t bring up anything, because it might trigger something. I do feel like I have to alter my life just because she has depression. I do, however, have to be there because if not, I’m scared she might do something awful. Mind you, I have been her friend for almost 10 years and this depression illness has only been around for 3 years. It’s difficult being her friend and having to “pretend” not to be happy when I am screaming with joy in my head. I have a beautiful baby and a fantastic husband, but Ifeel like I have to be miserable when I am around her so that she doesn’t feel awful. I try every time to make her feel a little better by being there, letting her cry it out, and so many other things. I’m just now getting to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore. People say that I don’t understand depression, including her. They say I’m inconsiderate when I want just turn my phone off. So I completely understand how you feel. I don’t live with her, but she is around me almost everyday… I want to know why I’m getting told that I should be more understanding/sympathetic to her feelings, when I’m just trying to be happy in my own world. I just don’t feel like trying anymore because she always tells me I’m not there when she needs me, I am not being a good friend, or that I don’t understand what she is going through.
      If anyone says anything to me about being awful… I have tried, if you want to tell me what I can do to be better with her… Please, do it. I would love to know.

      • I hate it when people help me and it makes me more depressed says:

        If your friend talks about suicide, taking drugs, hurting herself or is hallucinating, call police and have her sent to a mental institute. If your friend isn’t suicidal, then either leave her alone to work her problems out by herself or call professional out to talk to her if you think it is that serious. This is a serious problem that can’t be handled by just anyone and their mother. similarly, if you had a serious problem with electricity, why not call an electrician. Or if you have a problem with a leaking pipe, why not call a plumber. you’re trying to solve a big problem and you don’t know what to do, you will end up making a bad problem worse.

        • Tired and Frustrated says:

          I don’t know if your comment was directed towards mine, but I’m going to respond anyways.
          I don’t think my friend is suicidal, but sometimes she does bring it up whenever I try to go home to my family. Sometimes, I think it’s because she wants me there longer.
          She may just as well need medical help though. Recently she has been lying to me about being pregnant, having a miscarriage, but hasn’t had sex in over 3 years. It started when I found out that I was pregnant. So, yes, no idea what to do. I feel like I can’t just leave her, she’s my friend for so long now… But I also don’t want her around my baby, when I know there is some jealousy there (she has told me).

      • Ella says:

        Reread your comment. Your comment is exactly why people say you don’t understand. You don’t. You judge your friend and view her as less with because you’re “screaming with joy”. Just wait until it comes crashing down on you, too. God knows it will. And no one will be there for you, and you’ll be the one who people turn their phone off for. Then you’ll understand.

      • James says:

        Just because he is saying to not do anything and stay there while she cries doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone… I’ve been battling depression for many years now and I’m always the one trying to make my friends smile when I’m the one struggling with inner demons. They don’t understand me… They always tak about themselves… I think your friend does not want you to feel forced to help her and that’s your problem you feel like it’s an obligation to be help get through these tough times, when you have to genuinely be there for her. What I wish someone would tell me is: “I know what you’re going through, I understand how tough it is and that you have no control on it” a tap on the shoulder and she should feel alright and safe. We’re not asking for much. We have no control on our happinness. You have the right to be happy and all and show it. You can show your smile anywhere and with anyone. You states that you have a wonderful baby. That’s your solution. Babies bring joy. Ask your friend to come visit and why not babysit while you and your husband are out. If you trust her, she will trust you.
        Hope I helped.

    • Hoco21 says:

      preach mofo, so many people today aren’t legitimately depressed they see someone either getting attention for being depressed or they are just bitchy little white kids living in a first world country with all the opportunity they could ever ask for so they need something to try and convince other people to feel bad for them. its udder bullshit. before you say i don’t know what its like i do okay, i used to be “depressed” until i realized i was being a pussy. im also friends with a shit ton of people who claim to be depressed. the majority of them are not. my own God damn brother is like you fuckers and i can assure you he is making my life and the life of my family a living hell. Even if i agreed with the point the person was trying to make they delivered it in the most bitchy way possible making them look even more like a self-loathing tool. You people need to grow up and get over your trivial problems and fake depression because you are shitting all over the people who actually have a chemical imbalance in their brain and are legitimately depressed. Honestly depressed people don’t fish for attention on the internet or bitch about their problems they either seek help, suffer or kill themselves. if you really wanted to kill yourself you’d find a way so don’t feed me that “but i do wanna die” b.s because if you really did you’d either be locked the fuck away or dead by now.

      • I hate it when people help me and it makes me more depressed says:

        I have taken medications for depressions, tried suicide, and in fact, I inherited depression and schizophrenia from previous generations in my family. I have a genetic predisposition that goes beyond chemical imbalance. I don’t I like your perspective about how to deal with depression by toughening up or committing suicide. I find that your comment doesn’t help and is wrong. And yes, I do feel a similarity with other depressed people even if they are depressed over little things or big things. And being depressed and not committing suicide shows that there is hope.

      • gail says:

        Perhaps you should shut up or kill yourself if you are so unhappy. Oh, and you are still clearly a pussy. Again, is it any surprise that one of your relatives is depressed. I surely would have committed suicide if I was related to you. In case you haven’t noticed, and I’m sure you haven’t, because you clearly pay no attention to others, noone here is trying to get attention or threatening suicide for attention. People here are trying to find a way to get out of the darkness and asking others for tips to overcome it.

        Sounds you like you have alot more problems than most of us. Get help or shut up. A real man would not feel the need to troll websites seeking people who are already down, trying to make them feel worse about themselves. A pussy would do that.

        Sorry, nochnoch, but people like this really piss me off.

      • demelzabunny says:

        “Utter” not “udder.” The first one means “complete;” the second, a the bag w/teats under a cow the milk comes out of.

        And you wonder why I can’t take you seriously?

      • heavenstobetsy says:

        I find that rather judgemental. Specifically the “seek help, suffer, or kill themselves” thing. I got hit with medically resistant depression in January. In therapy, was in the hospital, on a crap-ton of meds. Nothing helps. Today my mother was at work all day, and when she got home, and I wanted to talk to her,or just be with her, she told me that I need to stop being so angry, she can tell that I am better because she is a doctor. I feel like I want to die. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to have fun with my friends. I want to go back to college. Not to be afraid of people, and angry at myself and at life. Now I have confirmed that my mother, the only person I have, is no longer someone I can share my feelings with. I have done everything I can to feel better, and am “seeking help” guess what option your theory leaves me with? Don’t be a jerk when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

    • I hate it when people help me and it makes me more depressed says:

      Yeah, the best way non-depressed people can live their lives around depressed people is to leave them alone and never talk to them. That is the best way because any word you say is always depressing even with the best of intentions. Remember that song… “t’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.” whenever your around them and you will understand your role in their life.

      Anyway, non-depressed people are happier staying away from depressed people and happiness is something that should be cherished. Hopefully the world will always have a happy side to it. You should enjoy life with happy people and be happy because in reality the world sucks and until the day you see the truth, you should save up all the days of happiness so that when you get depressed, you can close your eyes and remember what used to be.

      Depressed people are better off with other depressed people because at least, they understand each other.

    • gail says:

      I have suffered from ptsd (severe anxiety and depression) since I was 8 years old and was repeatedly molested by my female babysitter. Then I became a social worker, working in child protective services and with involuntary psychiatric patients who were mentally disordered sex offenders (rapists, child molestors… who never went to prison because they are mentally ill.) My 2 foster daughters and I were stalked for months by one of those freaks. He kept stealing cars and trying to follow us home. He was in my caseload because he stalked another woman, then broke into her home and attacked her. I finally left that job and relocated after being involved in the investigation of an alleged satanic cult making snuff films where they molest and kill babies and then perform rituals. They had been investigating them for years and really wanted them. My son was 2 years old, and they started breaking into our house, following us…

      I have good weeks, months, sometimes years. But sometimes it is bad.
      I feel like I am completely different from other people. My life experiences have been so out there, that it freaks other people out just to know these things exist. I was literally employed to keep others from having to deal with such ugliness. People don’t want to hear about things like this, so I doubly have noone to talk to about it. Then add Tourettes to the mix, and I am a total freak. The more anxious and stressed I am, the more likely I am to spit out what I am fighting hard not to say.

      So, I stay home, away from others, which makes it all worse. I don’t think most of my friends even know remotely what I am thinking, how depressed I am, or that I am in so much pain for so long that I just want it to end.

      It has affected every relationship in my life, especially with my only child. I am Jewish in a very Fundamentalist Christian area. My son became and married one. So now add to that that I am never allowed to speak of the work I did, nor amI allowed to mention being Jewish around their children. I cannot tell you how extremely cautiously conscious I must be. I cannot live that way, so I have stopped seeing my son.

      My neighbor,a retired emergency room RN, who should know better, says the whole thing is because I insist on clinging to these old events. Her advice was to listen to some selfhelp guru. My rabbi, not addressing me but the whole congregation, said that rabbis are not allowed to handle dead bodies or be exposed to really negative situations because they must stay positive. Basically, what he was saying, and I have read it elsewhere, is that if you see or experience enough ugly stuff or drugs, you lose the ability to be happy. This info came to me around 2 years ago, right around the time my mother and best friend of 34 years died 8 days apart. My depression and anxiety have been spiralling out of control. And I have 2 dogs who are dying and are peeing and crapping everywhere. My animals are my reason not to commit suicide. They would all be put down

      It is nice to know I’m not alone.

      And to I hate depressed people: Do you think we actually want to be around a judgemental piece of crap like you? Talk about narcissistic and selfish. If everyone can’t be as happy and together as you, which I doubt you are or you wouldn’t be trolling here trying to bring misery to others who are looking for help, they should crawl into a hole never to be seen again — or commit suicide. Nothing selfish here. Why would any partner of such a loving, compassionate person be depressed?!!

    • if living with a depressed person is such an issue for you just leave. if you hate depressed people than you shouldnt be around them

    • One, two, step on my shoe says:

      Lol. You need a reality check. If there is someone who has made you sour towards ALL people who have depression, then you need to realise that there are more than just people like that in the world. If it is just a friend—not a family member—who is life sucking and over dependent, you may need to decide to cut off ties with that person, as long as you are not leaving them out in the cold. Being around someone like that can even make YOU depressed, and then who would feel like a dunce?
      If it’s a family member, just remember to support them, because that’s what you’d want from them.
      You could have just had an experience with a needy, whiny, dramatic person that made you resentful—I had a friend like that for a while. Or, your perception of the world could be skewed, and you may be the narcissistic one. The whole point of this article was to help people to understand the depressed way of thinking. No one wants to feel like that. No one who wasn’t already a jerk wants to be an inconvenience to others.

      But seriously, your comment reeks of fedora and neck beard. Please think before you comment, unless your real intention was to troll.

    • YourMama says:

      You’re totally right man. All Depressed should just kill themselves since they are life ruiners. Funny how when that happens its the Non-Depressed crying at their funeral. Just saying.

      Seems to me like you’re speaking about a specific experience. Care to share?

    • Honestly? says:

      It’s your choice to be with someone who is depressed. I feel sorry for your partner who has to live with an ignorant uncaring bigot
      like you

    • i too am fed up with depressed people says:

      This is my way of making sure to never hurt or upset a depressed person: get the hell away from them. Your boyfriend? Leave him. Friend? baibai. Trust me, you do yourself a giant favour. You might be determined to help, but unless this person actually wants to put some effort themselves, all you do is waste your time and all they do is suck out life energy from you. They have this way of clinging to your back, they sit on your spine and want to be carried around life because they cannot walk. Save your precious mental health and eliminate any depressed people from your surroundings. Have the same approach you would have with narcissists or sociopaths: run run run. Good luck!

    • Roman says:

      People with cancer, and what not, must be destroying people with no cancer as well, with that kind of logic. No one says there should not be sympathy for people living with depressed people. The article is about common things depressed people hear that just not helpful at all. My personal favorite is “You have to snap out of it!” Yes, I did try, for years. I did not know that there was such a thing as depression, I just accepted that I was just miserable, and I do not know why. People can’t just “snap out” of an illness. What a wonderful world that would be if that actually did work.

      • Caring Mom says:

        People with cancer are *usually* willing to see a doctor, usually willing to accept comfort and support, usually not blaming their loved ones for giving them cancer. Living with a seriously depressed person who refuses to participate in professional treatment is a living hell for those that care about them. Do I understand they can’t help it? Of course. Does it change the fact that our focus, ability to go to work, ability to sleep, ability to nurture our other personal relationships, crying spells, outbursts of anger, hopeless feelings, miserable existence are any less real than theirs? And this list of what not to say could go on 300 pages. Those here that seem insensitive know that. Getting professional intervention isn’t as easy as it sounds — in many states — til somebody attempts suicide or gets arrested. So the non-depressed are left with being powerless to help yet can’t be angry or walk away. But God forbid we mention things that might help.

        • Caring Daughter says:

          Try having both cancer and depression. Yes, I have both and let me be clear, it’s easier to have cancer than it is depression. Caring Mom doesn’t sound too caring in her comment. You say living with a seriously depressed person is a *living hell*, it is only a fraction of the hell the depressed person is living. This article is about what NOT to say to a person suffering with depression, not *mention things that might help*. You must not be mentioning the right things to help because if you did, those words, comments, gestures would make a world of difference.

    • Janine says:

      In the same coin of your thinking “I hate depressed people” I’m so tired of people with cancer ruining it for people without i mean like how dare they be dying? how dare I have to wheel them around with their oxygen cause they can’t walk.. *sarcasm*

    • Sail says:

      Thank you. Your comment really opened my eyes. It is very difficult if not impossible for a depressed person to recognize the effects that his or her illness may be having on the people around them and if he or she does, I would imagine it making the situation worse.

      Just this morning I was livid as I read comments like “go for a walk”, “meditate” and my favorite “stop being such a ***** “.

      If those people were ever really depressed they would know that those comments are impossible to do while depressed right?

      Wrong. Depression screws with our perception. The motivation and energy depression steals from us leaves us guilty and desperate for a quick fix so we can get back to enjoying what little time we have on this rock.

      Whether it be comments online or suggestions from a spouse on the couch, the depressed person will always askew the intent or authenticity of the non depressed persons advice. Although it is hard to believe it is not the person askewing the loved ones advice but the illness.

      Narcissism is a by product of many illnesses. I am no doctor but I believe the body/mind wants to regain some sort of balance and correct an error to ensure its survival. That being said, to not recognize how our own illness effects the lives of those who care most is a step in the wrong direction on the path to our own recovery.

      Recognizing there is a problem is the first step to solving any problem. Recognize that your family is most likely suffering with you and that you are not alone.

      Your family will never say or do the right thing at the right moment because your depression makes you perceive it that way. These are non depressed people we live with, they are not therapists. Depression makes us think they do not care but they do and are as clueless how to deal with it as you are.

      My sincere apologies to anyone who I ever hurt because of my depression. I realize now that depression is an illness of the mind as cancer is an illness of the body. Societies stigmas have no place in the hearts of those who love us. Recognize that you are still you and that depression is an illness making you feel horrible. Think of it as when you have the flu you know why you hurt and you also know that eventually it will go away one way or another.

      There are no 5k’s or lemonade stands for depression. There are no recommended mental checkup timeframes. Every other part of our bodies requires yearly checkups except the part that controls all the others. I feel “modern” medicines lack of adopting routine mental examinations is the equivalent of having every other part of the car inspected yearly except the engine. Drive a car for 100k + miles without changing the oil once in a while and see how much damage it causes internally.

    • John says:

      Then you leave and STFU you dumb sh%t.

    • Jane Ciaurro says:

      Narcissism how dare you!!!! I would never wish my illness on anyone only maybe you!!!

    • Truth speaker says:

      You are the most ignorant person i have ever seen. How can you say something like this? You don’t know what it’s like to be depressed, right? Then, don’t come here and talk about something you don’t understand. If you’re happy, good for you, but don’t you dare come and judge people like that. I agree, you shouldn’t take your depression out on people who aren’t, but people can’t help how they feel. I don’t ever want to read anything from you again

  2. tamara says:

    Hello I also suffer depression. Is there a way to make the depression go away for a short amount of time?

    • gail says:

      I’m not sure how old you are or the reason for your depression. Nor do I know what you have already tried. I am a retired mental health professional and can offer some very general advice. Obviously, I can’t diagnose or prescribe having never met you. If it is severe and you are considering suicide or harming anyone else, seek professional help now.

      In general, if you are under 25 or a senior, most antidepressant medications should be avoided as they tend to increase the likelihood of suicide. But for most people, temporary use of antidepressants or anxiety rx is a possibility. You can always stop taking them (some need tapering off), but suicide and murder are permanent. Sometimes only 2 or 3 days on anxiety rx is enough to break the negative thought patterns. This has been my own personal experience.

      My number one piece of advice and what works best for me is exercise, especially yoga and walking with my dogs, and meditation. I try to force myself to go, because I almost always feel better if I do. I don’t always make it but I try. As soon as I finish this post I am going for a walk. Meditation is especially helpful, in a group or alone. I personally find it much easier to teach myself to empty my mind of all thoughts than just the bad ones.

      I also read, listen to music, go to movies. Nothing violent, depressing or twisted. My life has seen too much of that. I like fantasy and scifi, as I tell my friends, because reality bites.

      And, as difficult as it may sound and be, get involved in some type of volunteer work. I volunteer at a music festival all summer, at a theater the rest of the year. Those are for me. I get to attend alot of concerts and plays for free while mingling with really nice people who don’t for the most part know alot about my personal life. I get away from my life and problems and people expecting me to be moody or down. Sure, I have a wave of sadness now and then, but again it breaks the pattern.

      Then I have at least one volunteer project for others, not me. I volunteer in a homeless shelter the last 3 years. I often wonder with all the freaky shit in my life, starting at age 8, how I did not end up on drugs and alcohol and where they are. I did these things in high school and college — alot. Then I just stopped in my 20’s, probably because I watched so many others trash their lives that way.

      So, the answer is yes, there are a plethora of things

    • gail says:

      Sorry, hand spasm, wasn’t done. I don’t want you to think this is easy. I cry alot, mostly at home. It is often absolute torture to make myself go out and be around others, especially my friends because they can tell there is something off, although they don’t know the extent of it. But sitting home alone crying just makes a snowball into an avalanche of pain. If you give in to it, you lose.

      Finally, don’t know where you live, but I am in a very rural area. If you are in a more populated area, find a support group, real live people with similar experiences, problems. There really is strength in numbers and knowing there is hope. I am 63. I have been living with ptsd, severe anxiety and depression for 55 years, and yet I am still here. I have never attempted suicide, but I have frequently considered it, especially lately. And, I have just convinced myself to find a ptsd support group, even if I have to drive 60+ miles to attend it. So thank you. I hope this has helped.

  3. Andrew says:

    Thank you for this good article. I have been suffering on an off from depression since as long as I remember. There are days when I don’t want to look at my face let alone that of anyone else. I even tried to commit suicide twice (a span of quite some years but then even it was twice in total). There are days when I don’t want to talk to anyone. Although I am seeking professional help of a shrink but then even at times it is a battle. Recently, during an misunderstanding my wife (in the heat of the moment told me that I am always depressed). It hurt me which is the reason I started doing some research of my own on this to see to what extent I am to blame. Thanks for the encouraging words because even though my reactions during my depressive phase may be something I am responsible for but clearly I am not responsible for being depressive. It has really helped me see thinks in a different light as well as to be supportive when my wife is down.

  4. Nene says:

    Hey, if it is possible, could you make a list of things that are safe to say or do?
    like the think about your fiance taking you for a walk.
    I think this would be very helpful.

  5. BadGuyJames says:

    i’m depressed i think i’m idoit i cant do anything i see people around learn stuff and i cant learn anything i think i’m just not like normal people

  6. […] 10 things not to say to a depressed person (and please don’t ever say to me either) by Noch Noch, Be Me, Be Natural I cringed at these things my friends said to me these few years. For those of you who don’t really get us, I’ve decided to let you know 10 things not to say to a depressed person from my own experience. And be forewarned, for if you ever dare to even start uttering the below to me, I will hang you by your legs upside down, skin you alive and then deep fry you before publicly disowning you and denying your pitiful existence. […]

  7. An Eye Opener says:

    This is a fantastically good article, but it’s the comments that really made an impact. The cold, unsympathetic, responses by people who have depressed friends have convinced me of what I have suspected for all 30 years of my depression : everyone not depressed lies to depressed people, and really just hate them.

    So this month I am getting a new phone, and no one gets the number. I’m ceasing to exist as far as the people who know me are concerned, and I refuse to miss them. I’m tired of living in their world and being an inconvenience to their time, and I have no intention of continuing.

    It actually feels extremely GREAT to decide to be this selfish for once, instead of guilty that I can’t be more for them, or not disappoint them, or not be the fashion accessory they need for their meaningless little lives. I’ve got problems, they’re mine alone, and no one knows jack about jackity jack jack (word substitution for politeness sake) about my depression except me.

    Thank you, cruel, heartless, people, for anonymously having the guts to say out loud what I only ever see in peoples’ eyes when face to face with them. I am sincerely grateful.

    I’m taking my broken toys and I’m goin’ home.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi An Eye Opener
      Glad to know you found what you need, and I hope you will build new connections and relationships with friends who will be with you, and that you will find love and happiness and light once more. It’s a journey. Take care
      Noch Noch

  8. *awkwardly raises hand* says:

    Okay, wow. I came to this post after a short freakout (I have an anxiety disorder that contributes to the depression, and I’ve found that distractions help me calm down and become slightly more rational) and wanted some help, or at least find some people who understand the kind of thing I’m going through. When I checked the comments, though, it seems like there’s quite a bit of hate going on from both sides of the matter, which I thought this list was posted in order to prevent in the first place. I know it might be futile, but I’d at least like to try to clear things up a little.
    Basically, I think it’s safe to say that unless you have telepathic powers you really don’t know all a person has gone through. You don’t know what triggers them, you don’t know what they’ve had to suffer through, and you definitely don’t know exactly why they might be affected the way they are. This goes for pretty much anyone. Therefore, it’s probably not a good idea to say more hateful things, because it will probably inspire defensive comments (and, as the original post illustrated, it could send somebody further into their spiral of depression) and eventually turn into a gross cluster of hateful words and sharp jabs at the other person and it’s just not fun for anyone. If you want to avoid that trouble, I suggest you don’t go starting it.
    And I do want to point out something that’s especially bothered me: I’ve noticed the words “selfish” and “narcissistic” thrown around in the comments. Maybe it’s just a personal thing for me and the people I talk to, but from what I know from our circumstances, most people who are depressed already hear that enough- be it from the people around them, or from within their own mind- which is much, much harder to escape from. We (being used as a general here) KNOW depression is extremely self-centered, and we care more about that than you might think.
    Honestly, how can you NOT focus on yourself when you hurt so badly for so long?
    If anyone disagrees with me and has a respectful, calm, and non-offensive opinion to share on the other side of this, please do say it. It’s always good to hear opposing thoughts on things without verbally slapping the other party in the face.
    Rant over. Sorry this got very wordy, but I think some of these things needed to be said.
    (Basically, I don’t want anyone else to come to this post in a fit of tears and despair when some of these comments can just make them feel attacked and in eve worse distress, you know?)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi “awkwardly raises hand” — yes I have noticed the debate going on my blog too. When I wrote this blog post 4 years ago, I did not expect that it would still be gaining attention 4 years later. Whatever people’s opinions, I would respect. This blog is a forum for their expression. In a way, unless we hear from each other, we won’t know. That’s the whole point of communication, in a way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and also taking care of other people’s feelings. I appreciate you taking the time. Big hugs to you, Noch Noch

  9. ed says:

    ok so now you told peope what not to say. perhaps you can tell people what the CAN say. You seem to overlook that all these things people say show a level of care, better see it as such.

    or would u prefer they just dont give a shit about how you feel, or slit your wrists?

    Maybe u shld stop and think how regular people feel having depressed people around. Usually that is quite a bummer, be happy people show interest

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Ed,

      I did have subsequent posts that writes about what you suggested, and also going to the “other side” to see how, “regular people” would feel. Feel free to browse around my blog for those posts. I don’t want to post links here to spam my own blog. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts

      Noch Noch

  10. Rex says:

    I understand this perfectly, and it all makes a lot of sense, but how do ypu help a depressed friend over the internet? I’ve seen people write paragraphs to help these people, and a lot of the times they contain the things that the comforter SHOULDN’T say. I don’t want to say “*hugs*” because that makes it seem like I’m not taking the situation seriously enough.

    Would anybody know what to do when faced with that situation?

  11. Luis Gomes says:

    I’ve had a depression before. Fortunately I got over it, and now I feel happier. Sometimes. I believe im a wierd case because now i can get happy or sad at my own free will (sort of) it just depends on how I choose to look at life. Usually If I start to think too much, start to wonder about the world my future as a person, I get sad. If i think carefree just enjoying life as it goes by, day by day, I am an extremely happy and cheerful person.
    An old saying says that “Ignorance is bliss” I truly believe that saying. One of the arguments used against depressed people, like you said, is that other people have it worse and they are happy. I think they are happy, only because they don’t know what they are missing and how much better their life could be. People only miss what they know, for it is impossible to miss what you don’t even know exists.
    The more you know and the smarter you are the more you realize that this world is not a good place. It has good things and beatiful things, but underneath it all things are bad. If you come to realize this yourself, you should make the choice, accept that the world is a cruel and bad place, or end it. Die. Death isn’t so bad if you can’t deal with the world, sure you’re family and friends might miss you, but it’s your life your choice, the decision of ending sohuldn’t be done based on other, only yourself. If you are depressed and get out of it it won’t mean the world chanmged, just your perception of it. I don’t want to sound macabre or sadistic but this is just my view of the world, and most of the things im talking about ” of the world being evil and such” im refering to ideals. My point is if you can’t deal with the reality of your problems there is no use of you continuing to live. There are 7 billion people in the world, and we are just another number until we make something of our lives. Having a loving family and friends, my “solutions” don’t apply, to depression caused friends/relashionship/family. If that was your case im sorry to have wasted your time.

  12. Luis Gomes says:

    I’ve had a depression before. Fortunately I got over it, and now I feel happier. Sometimes. I believe I’m a weirdo case because now i can get happy or sad at my own free will (sort of) it just depends on how I choose to look at life. Usually If I start to think too much, start to wonder about the world my future as a person, I get sad. If i think carefree just enjoying life as it goes by, day by day, I am an extremely happy and cheerful person.
    An old saying says that “Ignorance is bliss” I truly believe that saying. One of the arguments used against depressed people, like you said, is that other people have it worse and they are happy. I think they are happy, only because they don’t know what they are missing and how much better their life could be. People only miss what they know; for it is impossible to miss what you don’t know.
    The more you know and the smarter you are the more you realize that this world is not a good place. It has good things and beautiful things, but underneath it all things are bad. If you come to realize this yourself, you should make the choice, accept that the world is a cruel and bad place, or end it.
    Die. Death isn’t so bad if you can’t deal with the world, sure you’re family and friends might miss you, but it’s your life, your choice, the decision of ending it shouldn’t be done based on other, only yourself. If you are depressed and get out of it it won’t mean the world changed, just your perception of it. I don’t want to sound macabre or sadistic but this is just my view of the world, and most of the things im talking about ” of the world being evil and such” I’m referring to ideals. My point is if you can’t deal with the reality of your problems there is no use of you continuing to live. There are 7 billion people in the world, and we are just another number until we make something of our lives. Having a loving family and friends, my “solutions” don’t apply, to depression caused friends/relationship/family. If that was your case I’m sorry to have wasted your time.

  13. Akilles De Picosekunti says:

    Honest, great expression of your thoughts. I didn`t find them prepostorous.

    Some of the anecdotes I found humorous…sorry (if you´re bothered)…world is filled with black comedy, to me.

    I always wonder why anyone says any of those things.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Akilles, glad you saw the humour and sarcasm. I don’t know why people say those things, and I think in retrospect, partly it’s my own interpretation and reaction to these phrases due to my state of mine then, which makes them unbearable back then. I think, on most parts, this is caused by misunderstanding.

      • Akilles De Picosekunti says:



        When people just want others to feel better, they subconsciously fool themselves in to thinking, that there`s always an easy way out.
        They also don`t comprehend how much they suffer. I don`t know if it`s linked to self betrayal.
        Yet, they try to rationalize.

  14. hxh says:

    That’s exactly why i don’t get it! Thankyou!

  15. hopeless says:

    you have no idea about any of my life. if you have never been depressed you never will get it

  16. Apophrades says:

    Depression is also a condition that is caused by things other than feelings. Mine, like most people that I know, suffer from depression that stems from a chemical imbalance. I have a neurological condition that, without warning, can cause paralysis, aphasia, and extreme depression despite the fact that I am on chemotherapy, high dosages of vitamins, and stron antidepressants.

  17. nochnoch says:

    Hi Apophrades

    Thanks for adding to the discussion. Yes depression is also caused by chemical imbalance so as you suggest, we need to understand the root cause to find the right solution!

    Noch Noch

  18. Bryan Bray says:

    Hey thanks you just pointed out that its not peoples fault that there depressed. scientificly to:)

  19. SJ says:

    Noch Noch
    How do we find and understand the root cause of our depression?

  20. nochnoch says:

    Hi SJ

    I think we all have different ways to find out and have different reasons. AS I am not a professional medic I can only share my experience. For me it was through anger. Through my anger and crying, I started realizing there were more emotions under the anger, i noted down the emotion under the anger – was it disappointment, sadness, belittlement, frustration, being ignored… etc? then with the help of my psychologist, we did Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, where I wrote down also the behaviour associated with these emotions, how did I act, what did I say. Eventually, I also wrote down what I was thinking at that incident. Slowly my thoughts became clearer, and I could look back into the past and find a lot of little things which hurt me in the past which I have suppressed or never processed in a healthy way, which became accumulated anger and stress. Then with each incident, I had to process it in my mind and let it go.

    Another thing was stress, I had to identify the ways the environment, others, and myself caused stress for me, where my stress level was and how did I cope. I realized I did not cope as well as I thought

    I cannot rule out hereditary depression but my parents and ancestors were never diagnosed so I wouldn’t know. My depression was not a long standing biological problem, so it became primarily a mental health issue. Most doctors deduced the depression and other somatic illnesses I suffered to be caused by stress.

    This was how I found out what caused and the root of my depression

    Hope this helps

  21. Mark Welsh says:

    I am a house painter- I am trained as a classical artist, but no one was waiting to pay me to be one after my training- So I began painting historic homes. This work is not the most intellectually difficult one could have picked to occupy ones thoughts, but it has provided me with ample opportunity to bear witness to my own though processes, and what states of awareness they can contribute to, be it depression or exhalted states of realization. The last thing most people want is free intellectual time to ponder topics that could trigger depression or tipping one to question their world & life view that might push them out of their comfort zone, even if their comfort zone is sadly, being depressed. But it has afforded me to become familiar with places within I’d rather avoid.

    Many things have occurred to me over the decades about depression, and it’s many subtle layers and colors. I say layers because I have experienced moments of clarity in my musings that some depressions are healthy and spiritually proper reactions to what is wrong in the world and within ourselves. It is a warm/ spiritual depression born of an opening of our hearts to what is not right within or without and we are admitting to it with intent of working for change.

    My point to is that , some depressions, are not your depression, but you have awareness of it’s presence due to your proximity to it’s infecting you. This was great news for me, that some of my depressions were my cellular memory of having experienced others depression and this knowing gave me distance inside to allow it to be present with out identifying with it.
    This disassociation from certain depressions gave me interior freedom and confidence that it would not overpower me as it once had.


  22. nochnoch says:

    Hi Mark

    I am not sure I completely understand what you mean by disassociation from certain depressions, but nonetheless, depression have also given me some clarity in my musings and helped me become more self-aware. This blog is a journey for my ups and downs, depressed or not

    Thanks again for your input and adding a dimension to the discussion


  23. Ricardo Mustachio says:

    You’re damn right.

    That’s why I stopped trying to explain it at all (at least 90 % of the time). Sometimes though, people who “have been” depressed, versus people who actually have depression, believe they *get it* and just like them, all you have to do is get a puppy, or go for a walk, or toughen up and get the job done, whatever that might be. Its like people who have seen war on the military channel tell a soldier with ptsd “that doesn’t look so bad”.

    my contribution to things not to say to a depressed person:

    “Back in my day you didn’t have time to sit and worry, no one knew what it was and we…. spent less time in our heads/ just got the job done ’cause we had to/ didn’t have the luxury of spending all day whining…”

    how i felt: Incredulous! How could one be so condescending? So obtuse? How many are so ignorant to realities beyond their tiny and ever-limited spectrum of experiences? Shocked at the complete lack of tact and perspective I silently foam at the mouth, speechless yet rabid. Not knowing where to start. Or how.

    What I thought/did: RANT!!!! in my head, for like 20 minutes strait. Swallow the loss, go green at the gills for a bit and grab a drink or six to stop the f*#^&ing caring so damn much factor and work for hours to build the perfect rebuttal, only to weekly fart out a few words to a disinterested, older-generation, mightier-than-though know-it-all.

  24. L. says:

    I would tell you I understand (because I’ve been coping with depression for a couple of years now), but let’s face it, everyone has a different ways to process what happens on their lives, so all I want to tell you is hopefully one day all of us (people with depression) will wake up and have a nice and happy day.

Leave a Reply

about Noch Noch

Noch Noch is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. Noch Noch loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive for the last 7 years in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2011 due to her illnesses and now spends her time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress.