I cringed at these things my friends said to me these few years. For those of you who don’t really get us, I’ve decided to let you know 10 things not to say to a depressed person from my own experience.And be forewarned, for if you ever dare to even start uttering the below to me, I will hang you by your legs upside down, skin you alive and then deep fry you before publicly disowning you and denying your pitiful existence.
I had never thought people would write to me for advice and suggestions. A few weeks back, a friend wrote to me and said she just found out that a family member of a friend has depression. But her friend did not know what to say or how to encourage the depression sufferer. She asked me if I had any recommendations. It got me thinking.
However, as I’m not a doctor, I can’t give medical advice. Moreover, what to say is very dependent on the personality and situation of the oppressed. But what I can offer is my take on what NOT to say to someone in depression. Hopefully this can help you empathize where we weirdos are coming from, and for you to be more sensitive to our plight.
And on that note, may I solemnly remind you again: please don’t ever ever EVER again say the below in bold type to me in whatever circumstances if you consider me a friend. Otherwise I’m throwing a tantrum in your face.
Do NOT say:- (Oh wow, I’m writing a list!!!)
1. “Remain Positive”
I think: Duh! I know – but how? To me, my reality is that the world has alreadycaved in. What is irrational to you makes utmost sense to me. I’m so angry / upset / sad / lonely / devastated / hopeless / in despair… Why can’t you understand me?
I feel: Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.
2. “Don’t think like that”
I think: Why not? What’s wrong with thinking like I do? It’s an honest opinion. I really think this. It’s negative all right, but that’s what I think, so what’s wrong? So how should I think instead? Like you? But I don’t agree with you, and then I become you if I think like you…?
I feel: I did something wrong for thinking a certain way, and you reprimanded me for thinking so. Thus, I withdraw, and berate myself for thinking the way I do, and spiral further down into depression due to self-criticism.
3. “Pull yourself together” / “Snap out of it” and the likes
I think: How? Snap out of what? I don’t want to be like this either, you think it’s fun?
I feel: Feel completely useless and hopeless that I’m incapable of holding myself together and getting better. Depression snowballs with this sense of incompetence.
4. “Why do you need to be depressed?”
I think: Umm… I don’t know, I wish I knew. Doctors said it’s because of some imbalance in serotonin in me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!
I feel: Accused of committing a heinous crime to be depressed. Confused because I don’t know what happened to make me depressed and how it all happened. Lost since I don’t know how to get out of depression. Feel inferior and worse about myself, so I hide from you as well because I don’t want to feel inadequate.
5. “Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful”
I think: I am thankful for what I have. But what does that have to do with depression? Doctors and every website I’ve read say depression is an illness and has biological factors. Depression needs to be treated as any other sickness. You are lucky too, be thankful – stop having a freaking cold and sneezing germs into the air I breathe!
I feel: Misunderstood as a spoilt, ungrateful little girl when I’m not. Frustrated for being misunderstood, cry, wail, sad. Retreat into my hiding place – again.
6. “Go do something and you will feel better.”
I think: Go do what? I can’t be bothered. I’m tired. I’m not interested. I have no energy. I just want to sleep. Doing something won’t make me feel better. Leave me alone.
I feel: Tired and lethargic, and no energy to think about what to do. Harassed because you keep telling me to do something.
(N.B. What did work, was instead of telling me to do something, my fiancé simply made me put my clothes on, slid me into my boots, and dragged me out of the house for a walk, talking about random things on the way, not once mentioning anything to do how I was doing or asking if I felt better.)
7. “What’s wrong with you?”
I think: I WISH I KNEW. I wish I knew. Oh how I wish I knew. Can you tell me? Can somebody tell me? I don’t want to be like this. Why am I like this?
I feel: Absolutely hopeless because I don’t know why I became like this, and I was unable to find out the reasons behind my depression. Very belittled and angry at myself. Can’t deal with this. I might as well die.
8. “You should do this…” or “You should not do this (such as kill yourself)…”
I think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not hungry.
I feel: Patronized by your condescending tone (even if you didn’t have one). Rejected for not doing what you think I am supposed to. Another bash to my already dwindling self-confidence – you just succeeded in making me feel more desperate and more depressed.
9. “See how others suffer even worst, and have no food to eat, be grateful for what you have”
I think: But you told me not to compare myself with others when I told you I was envious of others who have achieved more than me. So how double faced is it that just because others are less fortunate I can compare with them? I know you are trying to tell me I should count my blessings – I do, trust me I do. But how does this solve my depression? I still feel that life is not worth living despite being grateful for what I have. I am too tired to carry on and try.
I feel: Baffled as to why sometimes you say don’t compare and other times you tell me to do so. I don’t understand how being thankful makes me feel better, because what I have now has no meaning and no value to me. I JUST WANT TO DIE. Maybe if I die, there’d be more food for those who don’t have any. Proceed to jumping out the window from 30th floor.
10. “It’s all in your head…”
I think: IT’S NOT! But I know. How do I change my head? It’s not my fault. I didn’t want this. I can’t control it. I’m trying but I can’t!
I feel: Furious at myself for not being able to control my head and thinking. Inept at everything I’m trying to do and worse, for disappointing you. Alone that no one can understand me. Alienate myself. Doomed to fail; might as well die…
You might consider our reactions and emotions to what you say extremely unreasonable. I will not argue about it. Nevertheless, bear in mind that someone affected by depression does have a lot of “irrational” thoughts by standard of the norm. Yet, it is our reality and we completely believe it, irrational or not. So don’t try to debate or convince us otherwise. You will only push us further down our bleak track.
My contention is that, the wrong thing said, can unknowingly push a depressed friend over the edge. Not to be fatalistic, but 60% of suicides in the world is associated depression – go ask the World Health Organization if you don’t believe me.
Please, give us a break. If we all had a choice, I don’t think any of us would want to linger in a state of depression.
If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Just sit with us, let us cry, kick your shoes or whatever. That’s maybe all we need for now. Leave the lecturing to a medical expert such as a psychologist who can do it skillfully.
I compiled this from experience and based on my own reactions; I winced every time someone said the above to me in the last three years. Just for reference.
If you have anything else to add to the list of things to not say to a depressed person, feel free to in comments below. And if you liked this blurb please share with your friends and help my blog grow. Thanks 
Not to be mean but there is this person who is depressed and GOD she whines ALL the time. She was admitted to the hospital and asked me to visit her. PUSHY MUCH? And now because she is depressed, her family and friends are very supportive. I wouldn’t consider her my friend. Just an annoying girl who I knew from a club in high school. Many people are tired of her already and are unfriending her from facebook and some people also call her “attention whore”. At first I felt bad but then it was true. She whines and whines about people who unfriend her. Like GOD she is 20 yrs already. Get over it. Stop acting like a freaking 13 year old. SORRY BUT I HAD TO LET IT OUT. Wait how come she knows who unfriends her?? She must literally stalk and count everybody…-___-
Dearest Kristy,
You feel all alone and are not being comforted. I get it…and I’m 62 years old. When I was your age I wanted to run away, but I didn’t. I had no idea what the “real world” was like and was ultimately glad that I stuck it out. I had friends that couldn’t talk to their parents or counselors about anything. It was sad and I was sad for them. They made some life changing decisions at, really, a very young age..(looking back on it now). Everyone needs someone they can trust and feel comforted by…someone who can empathize. I was lucky…and I mean that. I had and still have a best friend who was totally there for me, as I was for her. We still talk every week. My hope for you is that you find that best friend…and if you don’t…you can talk to me. I will comfort you and care. Sincerely, Sadie
Hi Somebody
I don’t know who this person is but I am glad she is getting help and support. I know it must be annoying for you to be around her, and depressed people, are obviously, not a joy to be around. It takes a lot of energy to take care of them, and for that I am grateful for my friends who took care of me
If you don’t think you want to hang out with her, then please don’t, and take care of yourself first
Noch Noch
Try to be a little more compassionate. You don’t have to visit her, but going through depression is tough – you really have no clue unless you’ve been through it yourself. If you haven’t gone through depression, imagine that you hate yourself, life isn’t worth living, you have no real friends and everything is pointless. Not a great feeling is it?
Why do you have to call her an “attention whore”? Many people in that situation need attention, need somebody to validate their existence. It’s a basic human need. You’re lucky you don’t feel that, but not everybody is that fortunate.
Gosh!!!
Hi, Somebody. One of the things about depression is that it’s a very self-absorbing illness, as all mental illnesses are. I wonder, if she’d told you she had cancer, or diabetes, would you be so dismissive of her as you are here? The fact that this girl was admitted to hospital means her illness is severe. You seem a little put out that she is receiving support from her friends and family. I can say that this girl is very lucky. Many of us who suffer from depression, or any mental illness, find that family and friends are very quick to run away from us. They do not see mental illness as a medical issue, but rather a ‘weakness’ of character, something we have brought on ourselves.
Would anyone say, ‘it’s your fault you have diabetes/epilepsy/fibromyalgia. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop looking for attention, stop complaining about the pain, do something to make it go away, take up a hobby, then you’ll feel better.’? Yet people say this to us all the time. They call us annoying. They tell us to ‘get over it’. They tell us we have no reason to be ill. They ask us, why can’t we be normal? One of the symptoms of depression is that we do complain, a lot. And, yes, it does get old very quickly, for others, but when you’re going through an illness that makes you doubt your worth and existence, an illness that often leads to everyone walking away from you, an illness where the same obsessive thoughts can go round your head 24/7, for years at a time, to the outside world we do come across as annoying, constantly complaining, spouting the same shit day after day.
Now I’m not suggesting that you become friends with this girl, or that you even have anything to do with her. But, since you will inevitably come into contact with other people suffering with mental illness, it might be an idea to do a bit of research to find some understanding of why we behave the way we do. For instance, you say this girl complains about people unfriending her. Well, sometimes when you’re ill, you find yourself on a treadmill of negative thinking that you can’t get off. To be unfriended, for her, may be as devastating as someone you know suddenly dying.
Little things can have great consequence when you have depression. She may be thinking that being unfriended confirms her thoughts that she is the worst human being on the planet, that she is worthless, useless, every single person on the planet hates her, all the bad things happening in the world are her fault, and she should just kill herself and make everybody happy. That’s the kind of thought process we go through on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Is it any wonder, then, that she complains, if for her the consequences are earth-shattering?
Well, the “whiney” girl you speak of DOES sound depressed. Attention whore…I’d be one of those too when I’m most manic too.
Whiney…just hope you’re not the one to stumble upon her dead body.
Your ignorance is overwhelming. I can’t even be mad at you, because you simply don’t KNOW. You need to go to the website Healthy Place to read up on mental health issues, because your problem is that you simply lack knowledge. http://www.healthyplace.com/
Good luck on your knowledge journey. Remember, knowledge is power.
i would just like to say, she is probably not stalking, but facebook has an app where you can see who unfriends you or blocks you, called the unfriend app.
I just got in an argument with someone online who claimed I was angry 24/7, because I believe in fat acceptance and am passionate about it, as well as concerns regarding social justice in general. They kept saying I need to take a break, and that I need to take 5 minutes to relax.
When I told them that this behavior triggered me into feeling like I was told that I was not allowed to express my emotions, they continued saying they never said that. Essentially gaslighting me till they couldn’t anymore. They said I kept acting like they were a monster, when all I wanted was for them to validate my feelings.
I feel much stronger, because I stood up for myself. I told them they had no right to police my feelings, and that if they disliked how I acted they could stop being my friend, but they had no right to tell me I should act like someone I am not.
Yesterday my very close friend, who I also happen to have strong feelings for told me that I’m too depressed for her and thats the main reason we will never be more than friends. I can’t help but feel enraged and pissed off at her for saying that. It’s like theres nothing I can do about it. I would change for her if I only can. Am I out of line for getting angry at her? It just seems like she told me that shes too good for me. I love her, but I hate her and I feel even more depressed than before and I’m really worried that I amy act irrationally.
Hi Nick
I’m not sure how to answer that as I don’t know the circumstances. Are you in depression then? Have you been diagnosed? Maybe it’s time to focus on your own health first instead of other people for now?
Noch Noch
Thanks for this. I too get angry when someone says one of those ridiculous things. One that really annoys me is ‘things will get better’. Look, after 35 years, I know things will NOT get better. It’s also annoying when people say suicide is selfish. It is not, however forcing someone to suffer and live against their will is very selfish. I wish our society would smarten up about depression.
Hi Angelina
I agree with you but I also think it is difficult for the society to understand mental health issues as it is less tangible, and more often than not, those who have had mental illnesses do not publicly talk about the experience, so it’s hard for the “other side” to know and understand what is going on. PErhaps we also have a duty to express ourselves and explain what it is like, when we can and when we are comfortable with it. It takes a lot more communication. Lots of people in society are helping to raise awareness but there will always be those who don’t understand… and I think, that’s okay. As long as we did our best
NN
Hi! Thank you for this blog! Someone finally gets it! I’m a 38yr old wife of 16 yrs and mother of 2 boys 16/21 yrs old. I was told I was depressed at 12, which I ignored cuz they were “wrong” fought having relationships, I seemed to be the cause of problems. Married to a man who won’t leave “thank god”. I’m a manager, a great one! Excel at work. Defined myself by work because its something positive in my life I have control of. Until I got hurt at work. Have had 2 spinal fusions. Haven’t worked in 2 years. My life is forever altered. I took a whole bottle of pills one yr ago, in hopes I would fall asleep and not get up. I spent time off in the hospital looney ward. My husband loves me to death…he says all 10 things, not to be said. People don’t know what I go through daily inside. I smile and hide it. acquaintances would never know, but I have no close friends. That requires too much work. I would love to go back to work, maybe helping others with depression. Maybe again my would/work would be semi normal again. As I define self worth with my job. Physically I have career limits. I am learning about myself, how to live with it, and learning as much as possible about it. I may never fix myself but maybe I can empathize with others. This in turn may help me. Don’t know how to get into that kind of career, maybe just a dream. Leaving the house is work also. Depression is lonely. This is my story. I might define myself as: lonely, tired, fake, destructive unintentionally, but going through motions day by day. We don’t complain. We are teaching others how to deal with us or saying it out loud as self preservation. We need you as friends and to empathize. That just might help to live another day. Keep your opinions to yourself. We don’t need to hear it. We won’t take the advice well anyway! It only makes us feel more like a failure. I often wonder what normal is like. What it feels like to be happy, no pain, and awake. This trial dream to leave. This is a condition! It is not fake! We know we have it. We know we don’t want it! We don’t know how to fix it! You can’t fix it! But u can help to keep it bearable.
Again this is only my experience, and I made it through today!
Shilo
Hi Shilo
Good job getting through today – and tomorrow and many more days to come. It seems you have done lots of soul searching and know what’s going on behidn the depression. That’s key to helping yourself move through life with some enriching life experience. I think I am a better person as a result of depression. I am more patient with myself and others, and more compassionate and empathetic to things I do not know and have not experienced. So maybe you can do the same. It is indeed lonely, but hey, we are all here, and you are not alone!
NN
8. “You should do this…” or “You should not do this (such as kill yourself)…”
For me, I get mad. In my head I’m thinking “damnit, I’m not going to kill myself. This isn’t about me being killing myself. I’m just sad, unreasonably, unrelentingly sad. Everyone keeps trying to help and it just makes me feel guilty, so I blow them off and pretend everything is okay so they’ll stop giving me some half-assed attempt at comfort
Hi Edwin
We understand how you feel. Slowly though, my friends also learnt more about depression and I think sometimes people say these things because they don’t know. They are well meant and intentioned. IT is up to us to communicate
Vent all you need
NN
I KNOW!!! It’s just like, I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to try and help me because you think it’s your civil responsibility, or some crap like that. >.<
Hi Jessica
I’m happy to hear you are taking time out for yourself to put yourself back together and I know you will be happier after doing so. Take your time and don’t berate yourself for not “progressing”. I don’t know about you but I was so annoyed at myself for not recovering with a snap of the finger and I was so impatient. Then it made me worse, and I had to learn to listen to my body and mind, and let it unwind, let everything come out, before I can reorient my life and priorities.
Hope counselling etc goes well for you. And hope you find a doctor you like! It took me a while too
NOch Noch
Hi, I’m very much in agreement with this little blog post type thing. I went through a really bad time in my life to the point where I could not do anything about it myself. I’m sure a lot of you would say “what bad point is there in her life? shes just a teenager.” But, especially comparing to my Mum and Dads era at school, high school is really hard. The pressure just mounted up on me and its been nearly 2 years now but to this day I still don’t know why I was so sad. But it wasn’t really “sad”, its hard to explain that to be fair. It was more like, I was nothing. I felt nothing, I was numb. And when people started to notice that there was something wrong with me, I got even more “sad” and I was constantly crying. And then it got worse because people would continuously ask me these questions/tell me the things above. They didn’t understand how I couldn’t know what I was so “sad” about. I went to the doctor about it, they didn’t help. And I have gotten better but I had to do it ALONE. It was a painful process, and it took longer than it should have. I’m still not 100%, I have my good days and bad days. And this is why i’m here writing this because this was one of my bad days.
Hi teengirl
Hope you found some solace here then on your bad day and kudos for pulling yourself out of depression. Yes I also have bad days and days where I relapse and then I feel like the whole month is gone. But then I tell myself, it’s a sign from the body to tell me, there are still things in my life I need to change and so I get back into that rut.
NochNoch
I would offer you a hug when you look depressed, from one INFP to another.
*hugs*
Hugs back Taku
NN
Hi its me Bryan, I have some problems in my life. I wanted somebody to give me advice.First i’ll tell you about school, most of the kids in my grade don’t like me,and to tell you the truth i’m fine with that, but after my best friends have moved life is hard. Some kids call me a nerd and( thanks Eeyore) im cool with that to. Now I feel alone, nobody to support me.
Also I don’t get why they don’t like me. I try to be the nicest kid. I don’t make fun of people, I don’t yell, not even when i’m being bullied, though sometimes when i’m having a horrible day I lose my temper but not for long. I always stand up for kids being bullied, and I just want to be myself. Yet the kids are jerks.I feel as if there pushing m in a deep pit and its hard to get out. I know that in about ten years it wont matter but it does now!And DON’T get me started on girls!!!
I (applaud) you if your still here, I know there are bigger problems and that people have gone through a lot of horrors, So thanks for listening or a… Reading my petty problems. By the way NN great site, its worth a million$!
Hi Bryan
If it’s a problem for you, it’s a problem for you and there is no bigger or smaller ones. yes we all have our problems, and someone looking from outside might think you are whining. But if the situation causes you stress, then it’s a problem for you.
Noch Noch
Hi Bryan. You sound like a very noble person. And personally I think that when some people are presented with nobility they don’t know how to react to it. So they react with negativity. There don’t seem to be very many noble people about these days. The media constantly presents us with people behaving badly and getting rewarded for it. In life, selfishness is seen as either good, necessary or ‘I’m just being me’.
I think it’s great that you are a nice, pleasant young person who stands up for other people. Unfortunately in life, many people like you, who are ok with being by themselves, who are noble and speak up for others, are viewed as ‘wierd’, ‘nerdy’ or ‘not normal’. This can be painful. But don’t ignore that pain. Being bullied hurts. Being labelled hurts. Your pain is valid. Your problems are valid, even if you think they might seem small. Pain is pain, no matter what the reason. . You have a perfect right to cry out, or become angry, and then start finding positive ways to ease that pain. Maybe in time you can use it to achieve wonderful things in your life. Who knows, maybe some of the kids in your school envy you because you are so self-assured. Most kids your age aren’t, and they view those who are with jealousy and suspicion. This comes out as bullying, name-calling, ignoring you, etc.
You don’t have to be liked. You don’t have to try being liked or likeable. Not everybody will like you, and that’s perfectly alright. It might be an idea to talk with your school counsellor about how you’re feeling, and ask them if they can point you in the direction of a teen mental health group or centre in your area.
Mental health isn’t just about having a mental illness. It’s about looking after your mental wellbeing now so that things don’t get worse later. Things like taking time out to relax, or doing things you enjoy, and taking care of your physical health. Now that your old support network is gone, it’s time to start finding and making new ones. You don’t have to be friends with kids in school, you might be able to make friends with kids where you live, or maybe you can find hobby groups in your area to find new friends. And of course, websites like this one can be a valuable resource when you are looking for some extra support. Take care of yourself, because you sound like a great person.
Non-depressed people can’t understand. I learned long ago to just tell them to F-off. One time this privileged jerk told me to “quit crying and grow up.” I thought for a moment then punched him, sending him to the ground. I jumped on him and left him with a broken nose, two swollen eyes, busted-up lips and a bloody face. Made me feel better than all the so called “anti-depressants” I’ve ever took.
I agree with most of the things you said but one comment on here makes me mad “suicide isn’t selfish” are you KIDDING me?! If people love and care about you, and want to help you as best as they can, and you go and commit suicide you’re telling me that’s NOT selfish. Those people who tried to help you will be blaming themselves for their whole life. You’ll be abandoning your loved one and leaving them all thinking it was their fault. Now don’t get me wrong commiting suicide dosent make you a selfish, ungrateful person but it is a very ungrateful act. If someone I loved committed suicide I would be blaming myself and do I deserve that? No. Does anyone deserve that? No again. So I’m sorry but suicide IS selfish and please don’t even think about doing it, for the sake of yourself and the people you love.
My comment is directed (respectfully) to K, who commented that suicide is “a very ungrateful act.” In the sense that, generally societally, suicide is unpleasant and unacceptable, I agree that linguistically it may be “ungrateful.” I cannot speak for you, K, but I sense that when most of us use the word “ungrateful,” we mean its broader sense of not showing gratitude. And in the context you’ve raised–friends and family who love the person contemplating (or having committed) suicide, it seems to me you mean the person experiencing suicidal ideations or who has completed suicide is/was ungrateful for his or her friends’ or family members’ love and support.
Sorry to have spent so much time on what I believe you mean, but I want to be sure I’m understanding your use of a common word. If I understand your meaning, I respectfully disagree wholeheartedly that suicidals are ungrateful, as the originator of this web-column herself expressed when she adamantly asserted that she does indeed count her blessings. (I am also recalling her poignant recollection of her fiance’s walk as a more effective alternative to telling someone to snap out of it…) Though it is a hackneyed proposition, it nevertheless merits repeating: suicide is a response to stresses that exceed one’s coping mechanisms. People who choose suicide do not do so, I argue, because they are ungrateful for their loved ones’ attentions, but rather despite their deep appreciation for such attentions. They are overwhelmed, drowning, and reaching for the only relief apparent to them.
The suicidal are grateful for your love, but with a nod to the ubiquitous popular music line, “sometimes love is just not enough.” It doesn’t cure a host of diseases. It is not a guaranteed panacea for life-threatening conditions, depression one among these.
Again, I mean everything with the utmost of respect, and comment only, like others here, in hopes that the sum total of these expressions will make what is unbearable even a little less so.
Hi K. I find it interesting that you talk a lot about the people surrounding the suicidal person but not too much about the suicidal person themselves. You are commenting from the point of view that the suicidal person is somehow responsible for the feelings of the other people around them. It is sad when people kill themselves, and the ones left behind can feel devastated, but that is not the fault of the person who has killed themselves. That emotional devastation is a natural consequence of any traumatic event, and not intentional on the part of the suicidal person.
When a person kills themselves, it’s because they can no longer bear the pain of living. It has nothing to do with how well they are loved or supported. Suicide has nothing to do with any person other than the one experiencing such pain that suicide often becomes the person’s only answer to relieving that pain. And with mental illness, the pain can be a thousand times worse than any physical pain you can imagine.
It may be terrible for the ones left behind, but if we expect people to live in pain simply because of their attachments to loved ones, it’s almost like saying to the suicidal person ‘you only matter to me as long as you’re keeping me happy. Your feelings don’t mean as much to me as my own feelings. So shut up and keep living whether you want to or not, because I want you to, and what I want is more important than what you want, feel, or need’. I find that stance to be one of supreme selfishness. Yes, suicide is a horrible thing, but who are we to impose life on someone who no longer wishes to live?
I’ve struggled with depression all my life and from what I remember, the only time I actively sought attention for it was in my teenage years- the early ones like 14-15. And that was because I didn’t want to die. There’s always that part of you that honestly doesn’t want to die- but then that god awful part that’s so sure that you do.
Eventually though the part that wanted to live faded away.
Everyone has their own kinds of depression but some girls I knew played depression as if it were a game. That’s the only time it annoys me.
I found a boyfriend who is like my other half- i’ve been with him for 2 and a half years now and he saved my life.
Please anybody who is depressed hold in there- I promise it’s worth it.
If it’s not better, then its not the end.
Please remember that.
And don’t let anyone make you feel stupid for having depression. Noch Noch I hope you feel better darling. You seem to have many people playing against you with your depression- that’s not any kind of people you need.
I hope you feel better :/
I hope you all do.
But you know there’s always going to be those haters who in the end won’t ever matter LOL- so please don’t let them get to you.
They’re just background noise.
Thanks Ashley for the encouragement and reminding us there is a lot of background noise. Yes people sometimes put us further down. But we can choose not to listen to that
NN
I have been trying to help my 32 yo daughter who has been depressed for over half of her life. She wants to die but won’t commit suicide because of me (I told her it would be selfish). One post on here said it’s selfish to not want a person to end their life if it is that terrible. Does everyone think like this? Is this true?
Hi, Laurie. I’m terribly sorry your daughter is in pain, and that you are suffering, too. It’s natural to want the people we love not to be suffering, and to want them to remain around us. We need them–they are integral to our emotional well-being. I won’t address directly whether not wanting someone in pain to commit suicide is selfish. But I wonder why we culturally find it humane to euthanize our pets when they are in unremitting pain, but proscribe the same action when it is humans who are suffering. I am honest in writing that I don’t have answers. But I do know that if I were in grave emotional pain that didn’t respond to the interventions currently available, I’d hope that those who love me would, as I know they would with any of their animal companions, allow me surcease.
Hi Laurie
I don’t know how to answer that. it’s almost a philosophical debate and everyone would be entitled to what they think. There is not one “truth” in this case, only perception?
Is your daughter getting therapy for her depression? If it has been for almost 16 years, then maybe something in her life needs to change drastically?
Noch Noch
It actually feels good knowing there are others out there like me and that Im ot some freak in this world. My own father will tell my younger siblings who are elementary age that I’m “just being weird. leave her alone. She gets this way all the time…” and he doesnt tell me I’ll be ok or anything sweet! I am 18 now and for years have benn tokd I cant amount to much and Im not old enough for anything. Now that Im 18 my parents have expected the world of me. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at 16 after we thought I was having seizures. Now, present day my family still looks at me like they have to avoid me. Im made to be babysitter but not allowed to help teach my own siblings. My family makes me feel like im worthless. There isnt hugs or love. I have friends who only say hi once a month on facebook but arent up for face to face conversation. My boyfriend seems to be the only happiness left bur I cant stand relying on one being to bring me happiness! I cant stand living in the projects in a small town wirh no jobs for me! I have no car, and no job. For once I wish I had friends and family there to smile at me with reassurance and a helping hand. To have friends and strangers to talk to with abundance. For once, to have a 1,000 reasons to be here. *sigh*
Brittany,
I wish I could give you a thousand reasons, hell even one. I’m sorry that you are where you are. I honestly feel for you, I guess because I know how I feel inside when I think the same thing. I tell you, I know how far away the sky looks from the bottom of the hole that you tend to find yourself in, it’s so sad that anyone has to be trapped. Kind of like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon that can’t break out…all it want’s to do is just fly…and thats all people with depression honestly want..to just break out and be free…IMO anyways. Hang in there Britttany. Are there any kind of mental health services available in your area?. In small towns, like you stated you lived, Small towns tend to have such a limited budget, and mental health care doesn’t seem to ever get the long end of the funding stick, but hopefully you have that option open to you.
Hi Brittany
Glad to know you found some solace here. You can come here to vent and we can all empathize. Are you seeing a therapist for your depression?
Noch Noch
Have you ever been so upset and said or did something emotionally and then think later on “wow that was nuts, I over reacted” or in some way felt silly about your previous actions and glad its over? Now try to picture what would happen if you were trapped in that “emotional moment” indefinitely with all those raw emotions raging for hours….days…months…and yes even sometimes years. Depression is kind of like that for me, the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness that things will ever change, just plain miserable feelings that are impossible to shake no matter what. Over the years sure I’ve learned to hide it to such a point that its easy for others to overlook/ignore without too much effort. I, like many others tend to isolate the world just because of the extra strain it brings to this struggle. These feelings tend to snowball well enough on their own without the extra negative. (Have you ever tried to watch the news miserable?)
Sometimes there is medicine for some, for those that can afford it, or actually even have a program service or even a Doctor in their county accept patients that can’t. Sometimes medicine isn’t enough, it depends on the severity and or patient. Even reading these responses here, its sad to see how many people really don’t understand/are misinformed about this illness. Telling me to snap out of it, makes about as much sense as telling a diabetic to “snap out of it” or walk it off. This is a proven illness. When your body has a chemical imbalance of insulin, you become a diabetic. When your brain has a chemical imbalance of serotonin it’s called depression. It changes the way your brain processes thoughts. Depression is a thief, it steals all joy, happiness, contentment, positive thought process, and replaces it with negative, sadness, loneliness, frustration anger and hopelessness. Noch its always nice to find someone who “gets it” even if they are in the same boat. Knowing that at least one person out there understands can help ease the burden..even if for a little while.
Grace and peace
Andrew
Hi Andrew
Yes I have felt like that for a long time. And some times it’s worse than others. These few days I’ve been getting panic attacks and feeling very anxious and overwhelmed with living. I feel like: “I just want to go home”. But I don’t know where home is. It does indeed rob us of happiness and life. I’m trying to channel that energy into writing and hopefully help some one out there. The anger, the rage, the sorrow, somehow it makes me write better. So weird
Noch Noch
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS WORTH CARING ABOUT -
Stop fucking telling people suicide is selfish!
I have NO support. I have been slammed by the most typical uneducated suggestions that are known to increase suicidality in clinically depressed persons!
Telling people it is selfish only increases their current state of self harm….suicide is self harm to stop the pain because they do not have resources to cope with the tremendous pain. BE A RESOURCE and not a guilt driver to these people.
STOP telling them that they are attention whores or needy or playing a pity card.
AS HUMAN BEINGS
IF A PERSON IS WITHOUT OR HAS A SEVERE LACK OF RESOURCES they DO need attention. THEY NEED RESOURCES. They are verbalizing their pain and asking for EMPATHY and RESOURCES which is often slapped back into their face adding to the guilt and disgust they already feel overwhelmed with…telling them to get off their skinny fat ass and quit the pity party is akin to handing them a bullet to load the gun with.
You have NO IDEA what people are going through in depression and the many facets in their head – the tapes going through – the shrinks who are often tired of getting the patient who calls to help adjust meds on a friday to make it through yet another shit wkend.
We know more than anyone that begging, pleading, talking about needing help gets nothing but disdain or a temporary ear to listen. NO ONE in my case has offered to HELP ME. I get yelled at and abused and labeled
Suicide is selfish? BULLSHIT. Telling someone they are selfish for having clinical depression is the same as telling someone with terminal cancer to GET OVER IT and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You cannot see the scars in our brains or the night terrors and panic attacks that are debilitating.
Selfish are those who mock suicide and depression. NONE of us WANT to fucking die. We wanted help. Family to be there. Just as if we had CANCER.
Selfish are those who tell someone clinically depressed to think positive and that it is possible when they are having hallucinations from a lack of resources and overwhelmed w poverty, homelessness and stress….divorce….loss of the kids they raised…
Selfish are those who cannot be bothered to step outside of their WELL MIND to learn all they can about depression – so they can stop helping push those on the edge over the cliff in guilting them for depressive feelings of wanting to escape the pain through suicide.
Screw it
Depressed people are not “just sad” but suffering from a serious, and in many cases debilitating, medical condition.
Be a good listener. The best thing you can do is listen to your loved one talk about the depression. Be prepared to hear anything that he or she may say, and try not to look too shocked even if he or she is saying something truly awful, because that will shut them down. Be open and caring.
What a person suffering from depression needs most is compassion and understanding. Not only do you have to listen well, but you have to be sensitive about what you say when you talk about the depression.
Telling someone to “snap out of it” or “lighten up” is an awful, unhelpful thing to say. Be sensitive. Think about how you’d like it if someone told you to pull your socks up when you feel as if the world is against you and everything is falling apart.
The best things to say are, “How can I help you?” or “I will always be here for you. I won’t leave you to face this on your own.” Try saying, “I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad. What can I do to help?”
Stay in contact. Call your loved one, write him or her an encouraging card or letter, or visit him or her at home. This will show that you will stick by him or her no matter what. There are many different ways to stay in contact with the person you care about.
Direct your frustration at the illness, not the person.
Check in at least once a day so you know your loved one is coping.
Depressed people who talk about suicide are not doing it for the attention???? – god forbid people w serious depression need attention because needing attention is such a frikkin weakness!
Never, ever, ever tell your friend, “Don’t be a drama queen,” “Get over it”
Why don’t they do something about it ?
The truth is – so many just can’t do it – even though they suffer needlessly, or commit suicide.
The very symptoms of depression, the very despair and hopelessness, and the pain caused by so many other self-perpetuating thoughts and feelings – literally immobilize.
AND
Even when they do – those helping may be guilting them or hurting them with holier than thou uneducated solutions.
How family members, society as a whole, and how we ourselves perceive and react to depression can literally paralyze any efforts a person might make toward getting help.
Depression carries a terrible social stigma from family, from others & from ourselves.
Unless you are going through a divorce, death or other trauma, people cannot understand depression.
Emotional pain in our society is seen as a personal weakness, not a symptom of a physical disorder, chemical imbalance or nutrient deficiency.
People still think you can just
Snap out of it
Decide for it to stop
“Will” it away
People innocently try to cheer us up, make light of it or talk us out of it
We all feel depressed sometimes.
Grin and bear it (actually, we – depressed people – do this a lot !!)
“Smile even though your heart is breaking”
And, uninformed people (co-workers, family, the doctor) can say terribly hurtful things which can paralyze any attempts a depressed person might make to get help.
Get a life, Get a grip, Get over it
Life is hard for all of us – what makes you so special !?
Oh, boo, hoo, she’s gonna go kill herself ! What a manipulator ! She uses that to get whatever she wants. (These things were said about me.)
They just don’t know that depression is a physical illness. Even depressed people don’t get it.
Even in a close family, having to tell someone how you feel is a risk and leaves you open, vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.
Will they believe you ?
Will you be taken seriously ?
Or will they make you feel foolish, weak, and horribly embarrassed ?
Will you be left alone once again with those dark and deadly emotions ?
No wonder depression is so hard to come to terms with – “Ask for Help” ? – ha !
Depression comes with Utter Guilt, Shame, & Embarrassment for having these feelings.
We can feel it’s Our Own Fault
We are weak, cowardly, wimpy for “giving in” to “feelings” and “weak” emotions.
Aren’t we strong enough to “fight it ?”
“What’s wrong with me – why can’t I shake this ?”
Aren’t we tougher than that ?
Do we have a lack of strength or goodness in our character or personality ?
Are we bad & deserve to be punished ?
We see our lives as meaningless & hopeless
We should never have been born.
It is our destiny to die
.
Treatment is hopeless
It’s all drugs & psychotherapy
Nothing is going to help now or ever – Not enough to make living worthwhile.
We may fear losing control over our lives
We may fear not having choice, control or understanding of treatments
Fear of Being
dependant on antidepressant drugs
labeled “mentally ill”
locked up in an institution – drugged or hospitalized against our will
lost in the hands of the mental health system
BECAUSE OF THESE REACTIONS:
The biochemistry of depression makes you feel & believe
that this depression is your fault
that you will never get better
and that you must die.
Thankyou, Annoyed, for your valuable insight in your comments. It’s something so many of us struggle to articulate, especially regarding suicide. I did a short mental health course last week and the group talked about suicide. We learned that talking about suicide is not going to make someone try to kill themselves. In fact, talking about suicide to a person who is suicidal may actually validate their feelings, because they are being heard and understood. It might make them less likely to kill themselves, especially if they are then encouraged to find professional help and self-help. I wish more people could talk about suicide openly, without fear of ridicule or without people trying to discourage, guilt-trip, lecture or ‘make things better’. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for being so open.
Annoyed, you’re my newest hero/heroine.
I have never had the guts to express so primally what you have. Thank you for speaking up for so many too ashamed/frightened/beaten-down to speak up for ourselves. A million thanks.
Hi Annoyed
I think we can understand your annoyance, and I am glad this post has been able to stimulate discussion. I think a lot of people do not understand what mental illnesses are and just find us “weird”. But it is also because they do not know and it’s not their fault. I must admit I was one of those presumptious people before I had my bouts of clinical depression and tried to kill myself. now I know. So now I want to help raise awareness because I have been on both sides
Hope you will also help others understand too
NN
I’m glad I’m not the only one, but don’t see any way out. In public I am strong, happy and independent. My family, siblings and friends thought I’m the smart one, the strong one. Everybody asking for advice, for help. The fact is I cry every day, every chances when noone sees me. I feel so lonely, so down, and I don’t see why should I live. My mom thinks I’m being ungrateful, everytime I try to say how I feel. My friends think I have periods and nobody give a shit to what I’m about to say. Exactly what u said. Everybody told me to focus on myself, go shopping, get a hobby, snap out of it… And all I want to do is snap at them or just slap them. And now I’m depressed all the time. I don’t know how to snap out of it
Hi YY, you are not alone. All of us with depression put on the ‘happy face’ for our friends, family, work colleagues, and the world in general. Maybe this is why your family cannot understand ‘why’ you are depressed, because all they see is ‘happy face’ and might not want to see anything else. I would suggest first going to your doctor and seeing if anything can be done. I don’t know how you feel about going on medication, but that may be something to consider. After all, if you were suffering from epilepsy or diabetes, you’d take medication for that, wouldn’t you? Taking medication for an illness like depression is exactly the same.
There is no ‘snapping out of’ depression. That’s like saying ‘snap out of cancer’. It just wouldn’t, and couldn’t, happen. What may help you is talking to your doctor, maybe starting on medication, and finding a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist to talk to. All of these steps can be taken without the knowledge of the people around you. You don’t have to tell them what help you’re getting, or that you’re on meds. Your health is your business, nobody else’s.
The commenter called Annoyed has said everything I wanted to say. Those people that don’t understand depression, can make things even harder for those of us who struggle daily just to keep ourselves alive. And depression can be such a hard, gigantic struggle, that for some, suicide is the answer. Please don’t feel bad if you’re thinking of killing yourself. We have all done it, and many of us consider suicide every day. Thinking about it doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, though. It’s a thought that can pop into your head 1000 times a day. When I’m severely depressed, or going through crisis, I think about killing myself, I even think of the ways I’m going to do it. But thinking and talking about suicide, for a depressed person, is normal. And there are many things you can do yourself to start feeling better. For instance, there’s probably a mental health support group or centre in your town. It’s a good idea to try and find it, because you will meet other people like yourself, who will validate you and what you are experiencing. Your family and friends are not qualified or trained in mental health, so they won’t really have an idea of how to help you. You can find ways to help yourself, and this will involve asking the right people (doctor, counsellor, mental health workers, other people with MH issues) for help. Asking for help is the best thing you can do to help yourself. You’ve already reached out here. You can reach out in the real world, too.
Hi YY
I guess the strong front is wearing you out? i had that too. It’s tiring and overwhelming and not healthy
Have you been diagnosed clinically? What did the doctors say? there are many different types of depression and I hope you find the right treatment for it!
NN
I’ve been dealing with depression for 3 years. I’m now 16 and I just started getting help for it in January. I’m taking meds, in therapy and I am trying. But many days I find it hard to get out of bed. My mother has been supportive but this has been slowly deteriorating. Many days I can’t make it to school because of my depression. Because of this, I am severely behind. Naturally, this upsets my mother. Every day miss school, her hope for me fades a little more. Because I know this, I feel hopeless too. My own mother is giving up on me. Over the weekend I got a cold. It turned into muscle aches and weakness. It’s raining today and I feel really ill so I asked to stay home and my mother blew up on me. She said many hurtful things like I’m sick of you and I’m tired of this. Her last words to me was I’m done with you. This makes me feel completely hopeless, helped and worthless. My mom is the only reason why I’m hanging on and she’s done with me. This makes me want to end it all. I’m afraid for my own safety that I feel like if I get out of bed ill do something horrible to myself. What should I do?
Hi Anaiah
I’m sorry to hear of your experience and also about your mother. She might be very frustrated with herself too for not knowing how to help
I understand your worry about hurting yourself. I get that too. When that happens, I call or email my psychologist, and usually he can put me at ease or because I promise him I will not hurt myself till I see him next, it helps me stay alive and also I try to find other things to distract myself
Hope this helps.
Noch Noch
What I find very difficult is taking the risk to open up to friends and hope that they will be compassionate only to be met with a lack of empathy or any response really. I shared my cutting with a friend once I decided to try to take better care of myself and asked him to keep an eye on my arms and tell me to stop if he saw anything. He is now (around 6 months later) someone who shows me no kindness or friendships and acts as if I never shared that with him. It is very painful to hope for someone to care enough about you harming yourself only to be met with nothing. It perpetuates a feeling of unworthiness, as if your friend doesn’t care if you are hurting yourself. I try to remind myself that his affirmation is not what will make me a strong person. It should come from within myself. I have good periods when I am happy(ish) with myself but the lack of kindness from people I spend so much time around is discouraging. Any advice?
Hi College student
Sorry to hear of that, and I hope you don’t cut yourself anymore. Partly, I think your friends who are “unkind” might just be scared/anxious/worried etc and don’t know how to react to your news. They might not know how to respond, or what you would like them to respond. So they drift off. I find people are generally uncomfortable too when I tell them I was sick and tried to kill myself. They change topic immediately. I don’t think they are unkind. I just think they don’t know what to say in case they offend me. So I had to explain to them.
Maybe you could try telling them what you hope them to do
If that fails – then yes, need some new friends. And I know you can find them. I found some new soulmates through this depression experience, and you would be surprised how many people share your same concerns, worries, anxieties and stress…
In any case, you can write to us any time you want here!
NN
Hi,
after reading your “list”, i realised how much of that has been said to me by my parents and best friend(the only people who know), and how it hurt more than anything else to feel like no one could see the problems im having and that they all are frankly quite insensitive…
i never thought of myself as someone who was weak but for the last few months thats all iv been. is it normal that i hate myself for not being able to just pick myself up and carry on with my life?
well last week thursday my psychologist told me she suggests i start see’ing someone so i can be put on an anti-depressant.
is anti-depressants the only option for me? has anyone been on them that can offer some advice?
…im losing myself and its scary.
hi jade,
about a month ago i said the same thing to my psychiatrist: this is really scaring me. my brain was telling me the only way out was suicide. i did not trust antidepressants because i had been on one for a year and it didn’t help (with a different doctor).
she was very wise and told me to research 2 new meds on the market, one being Pristiq. i researched both and people were leaving reviews saying they felt better within a day or tow – overwhelmingly. the suicidal thoughts disappeared overnight after my first dose.
the recovery will still take time but i don’t feel like dying anymore. i feel like my life in society is over but now i can understand that that is depression and it’s possible i will be well within the next few months.
the thoughts that come with depression FEEL real and the crippling effect is real but those thoughts are not true and i now that i have a psych i trust and understands me (i have PTSD also) and a great new psychologist i refuse to leave no stone unturned.
ss nyc
Hi Jade
I feel your fear. I feel that too, a lot 3 years ago, and now episodic. It’s not about normality or not, the depression is making you unable to control things and emotions you used to be able to control. So now you feel “weak”. But it’s not weakness. Your body and mind need to make some adjustments and changes, and it’s the down time for them. They are protecting themselves.
I was on anti-depressants too. I was so ill I was forced to take them. It helped lift up the biological chemical level of serotonin. But I kept seeing my psychologist, because whilst physical factors took place, also mental factors was more of a contributing factor to my depression. So I had to learn to change my thoughts and also to confront issues, and release stress. So it also depends on your cause of depression
NN
Thank you so much for your article, I know that if my family had researched a little about depression, they wouldn’t say at least 2 of the things in your list to me. I wish I could email them the link to this page, but of course I want them to want to know about these things and really look it up.
Another thing is being a Christian and suffering from depression, it messes with your faith in God, and I told a family member. And she said just focus on God.
But if she were really listening she would know that doesn’t register in my head.
I love Jesus and I really want to trust Him again. But if you’re a Christian and depressed, it doesn’t help when other people are trying to shove their faiths down your throat, as if you’ve never heard of the things they’re trying to say to you.
I’m in school at another country, but it’s starting again, a slow progression into the dumps.
I just want to go home. I’m in danger of losing my scholarship (and this doesn’t help with my depression either). It’s made me anxious and more weepy.
I just wish my parents would say, “If you can’t continue with your studies, just come home, everything will be fine”.
But no, they’re more concerned of what people will say of their daughter losing her scholarship.
And after everything that I’ve been through, my dad had the audacity to tell me to focus on my studies and pay more attention.
As if I’m purposely trying to fail, as if I want to fail.
Why is this happening to us?
Hi Shevie
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Maybe it’s also your parents and family not understanding the illness and so don’t kow what to do. Do they know you have been diagnosed with depression? Do they support your therapy?
I agree re faith. It didn’t really help me with my depression. Reading the Bible did, but the church didn’t and some people even said I was being punished by God. So I drifted away from the church, even though I still read the Bible some times. I grew up as a Christian too
I don’t know why it happens to us. I think in the grand scheme of things, it’s a lesson and learning experience to make us do greater things in the future. Did you read one of my posts on how lots of great leaders and famous people int he world have depression?
Noch Noch
Thank you for replying back. I haven’t read your other articles but I definitely will. I haven’t been diagnosed. I can’t even leave my apartment. I’m just waiting for the school counsellor to get back at me so we can set up a meeting. Even though I haven’t been diagnosed, I know I am depressed. Depression has sort of crippled me, not physically but in terms of other aspects of my life. I can’t even look at my french notes and study which is the easiest paper that I’m doing. I could pass easily even if I don’t go to class. But that doesn’t motivate me. And I can’t even write an essay. It’s like I’m mentally blocked. I don’t even want to leave the house to get groceries, I have everything delivered over.
I can’t just pack up and go home, my dad will say “this is not an option, to just hold on a little longer”. I would stay but of course I can’t leave the house. I am just stuck. And when you’re stuck like this you’re starting to think of a way out. I was thinking of drugs. And for the first time last night, crying myself to sleep, I thought of suicide, a couple of pain-free ways to go.
A couple of years ago when I hadn’t realized my depression, me and my friend was talking about suicide, and I said that if lose my scholarship I’d commit suicide, but my friend said, “your family would rather have a stripped-scholarship Shevie than a dead Shevie”.
Right now, I don’t care if I lose my scholarship, even by some miracle, I pass this semester, there is no way I can handle another semester in a foreign country.
I cried last night for myself too, I know that my family, (dad especially) will treat me differently.
I don’t mean they’ll treat me like I’m fragile. No, they’ll treat me like crap, they’ll bring up my failure. It’s how they treated my older sister, she didn’t finish high school, my dad always picks on her. When my sister’s really nice and happy, my dad always finds something to upset her then she’ll leave crying. I’ve noticed this for so long. It’s like my older sister’s input on anything has no value because she didn’t finish high school. My brother this year decided to drop out of high school, and he’s been living at his friend’s house, ’cause he knows if he’s at home, my dad and my other sister (who’s really successful; she’s a nurse) will pick on him, make him do chores, belittle him just because he didn’t finish high school. I’m surprised he’s not depressed too. And now me; this is my fate.
I think my brother will probably be the only one in the family to have my back. Other than that it really IS just me in this world. “Me Against The World” as 2Pac put it.
Hi Shevie
But it’s you and all of us here against the world – though I prefer not to think I am against the world. It is true a lot of people don’t understand, and the lack of understanding leads to frustrations in communication. Even though our parents and friends love us, sometimes their love is not expressed in a way which makes us comfortable, especially when dealing with mental health challenges. I hope you school counselor comes back to you soon – perhaps you could tell him/her about your suicidal thoughts too and they should put you on priority.
In any case, write to me / us here any time. This is a good support platform. You are not alone in this
Noch Noch
My ex broke up with me but I realised he is suffering from clinical depression. Well I know I am not an expert, but all the signs are there. I did not realise earlier in our relationship. And from the things I read from different websites, I think I said all the crap that should be avoided when talking to a depress person.
I want to help him be we live half way around the world. I am from Philippines and he is from USA. He is throwing fits like, I don’t wanna wake up anymore and I hate it here and so on and so forth. I am not hurting anymore because I understand now what he might be suffering from. I still love him and eventhough we are no longer a couple, I still care for him.
I try to use whatever I learnt from different websites and I think it is working. He is starting to talk to me again. He tried to talk to me before about his depression but I did not recognise the signs. He said before that he is trying to tell me he needs help but I panicked and I thought he was talking about out relationship. That is when he started to stop talking about his depression. Thank God with all the information I see here, he is starting to talk to me again and hopefully trusta me again to talk to me more about what he feels.
What maybe I am trying to ask here are more things I could say to him. Like when he say, I hate it here, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to move or wake up anymore. I am not sure if it is okay to say I am sorry you feel that way?
Thanks guys.
Also, I would like some advise on how to open up to him about trying to see a doctor?
In massive response to #1 on your list, and a few others, check out my blog. I have been through depression three times, and twice had to be medicated. It wasn’t until I started talking to a counselor that I actually began to know what was happening in my head, and how to begin to teach myself to stop the pattern of negativity.
Hello.
This may seem like a really idiotic question but, how do I know if someone is depressed? My friend always seems unhappy when she comes to class, but eventually she’s smiling and making jokes. Then sometimes she cries for a whole period. She talks about killing herself, how her family hates her, and that her mother told her to um, kill herself. She gets excited when she cuts herself, does dangerous things like nearly falling out of a two story balcony. Doesn’t that seem strange for.. Um, someone under 14 years old.. Admittedly, when she starts talking about killing herself, some of our friends do say things like the things you mentioned above like “Don’t commit suicide’or “Why are you so moody nowadays’. Then she justs shuts up and walks away.
…..Just a little girl’s friend. Sorry if this was a childish question.
first, NEVER EVER think that that is a childish question! This is exactly how I was just six and a half months ago. Make sure any time one of your friends says something like that, just tell them to watch their words. Tell them to think about everyone else’s feelings before their own. Make sure your friend knows she’s loved and cared for, and that if she ever needs someone, that there’s someone out there! be it you, or someone online, such as the blog I linked this message to, or anyone. If she really really needs help right away, take her to your school nurse, (STAY WITH HER) and help her explain out what’s going on. If the Nurse is no help, find your favourite teacher, and just try to help her find help. A lot of schools now have counseling attached to the schooling. Just make sure that she knows there are plenty of people who she can talk to to get it all out.
please help!
i understood what you mean but than you said that we should leave it to the doctors. my mom is depresed ,and she and my dad argue allot (even though they try to hide it).she takes Antidepressant latly and i think it’s getting worse because she says that she is going to kill herself ,and i don’t think my dad is helping her(she says to him that he don’t care to know how she feels) ,that’s why i think that i am the only one that can help her .so my first question is -is the right thing to do is to talk to her about it? i want her to know that i love her and worry about her ,i want to tell her that she can talk to me about
whats bothering her ,is that the right thing to do?
i’m scared to bother her because she might feels like she is not a good mother for making me worry (i’m also afraid to cry in the middle of the conversation because that’s what happens usually when i talk about my feelings).
the second question is -is doing small things for her ,intending to cheer her up will hurt her ? because that might bring her the massage that her problem is just something small .i want to make her day better .
please help me !
That’s exactly why i don’t get it! Thankyou!
you have no idea about any of my life. if you have never been depressed you never will get it
Depression is also a condition that is caused by things other than feelings. Mine, like most people that I know, suffer from depression that stems from a chemical imbalance. I have a neurological condition that, without warning, can cause paralysis, aphasia, and extreme depression despite the fact that I am on chemotherapy, high dosages of vitamins, and stron antidepressants.
Hi Apophrades
Thanks for adding to the discussion. Yes depression is also caused by chemical imbalance so as you suggest, we need to understand the root cause to find the right solution!
Noch Noch
Hey thanks you just pointed out that its not peoples fault that there depressed. scientificly to:)
Noch Noch
How do we find and understand the root cause of our depression?
Thanks
Hi SJ
I think we all have different ways to find out and have different reasons. AS I am not a professional medic I can only share my experience. For me it was through anger. Through my anger and crying, I started realizing there were more emotions under the anger, i noted down the emotion under the anger – was it disappointment, sadness, belittlement, frustration, being ignored… etc? then with the help of my psychologist, we did Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, where I wrote down also the behaviour associated with these emotions, how did I act, what did I say. Eventually, I also wrote down what I was thinking at that incident. Slowly my thoughts became clearer, and I could look back into the past and find a lot of little things which hurt me in the past which I have suppressed or never processed in a healthy way, which became accumulated anger and stress. Then with each incident, I had to process it in my mind and let it go.
Another thing was stress, I had to identify the ways the environment, others, and myself caused stress for me, where my stress level was and how did I cope. I realized I did not cope as well as I thought
I cannot rule out hereditary depression but my parents and ancestors were never diagnosed so I wouldn’t know. My depression was not a long standing biological problem, so it became primarily a mental health issue. Most doctors deduced the depression and other somatic illnesses I suffered to be caused by stress.
This was how I found out what caused and the root of my depression
Hope this helps
NN
I am a house painter- I am trained as a classical artist, but no one was waiting to pay me to be one after my training- So I began painting historic homes. This work is not the most intellectually difficult one could have picked to occupy ones thoughts, but it has provided me with ample opportunity to bear witness to my own though processes, and what states of awareness they can contribute to, be it depression or exhalted states of realization. The last thing most people want is free intellectual time to ponder topics that could trigger depression or tipping one to question their world & life view that might push them out of their comfort zone, even if their comfort zone is sadly, being depressed. But it has afforded me to become familiar with places within I’d rather avoid.
Many things have occurred to me over the decades about depression, and it’s many subtle layers and colors. I say layers because I have experienced moments of clarity in my musings that some depressions are healthy and spiritually proper reactions to what is wrong in the world and within ourselves. It is a warm/ spiritual depression born of an opening of our hearts to what is not right within or without and we are admitting to it with intent of working for change.
My point to is that , some depressions, are not your depression, but you have awareness of it’s presence due to your proximity to it’s infecting you. This was great news for me, that some of my depressions were my cellular memory of having experienced others depression and this knowing gave me distance inside to allow it to be present with out identifying with it.
This disassociation from certain depressions gave me interior freedom and confidence that it would not overpower me as it once had.
M
Hi Mark
I am not sure I completely understand what you mean by disassociation from certain depressions, but nonetheless, depression have also given me some clarity in my musings and helped me become more self-aware. This blog is a journey for my ups and downs, depressed or not
Thanks again for your input and adding a dimension to the discussion
NN
thank you for commenting!
i feel scared to try it, but im trusting that if its helping you it can help me too…and i think thats what i need right now- is just to understand that this actually is depression. that there is a reason for everything that im feeling, that im not crazy.
its so good when you’ve found someone you can speak to, someone who doesnt judge you and doesnt consider you weak, im glad to have found a psychologist who gets me.
thank you, honestly for your comment.