10 things not to say to a depressed person (and please don’t ever say to me either)


I cringed at these things my friends said to me these few years. For those of you who don’t really get us, I’ve decided to let you know  10 things not to say to a depressed person from my own experience.And be forewarned, for if you ever dare to even start uttering the below to me, I will hang you by your legs upside down, skin you alive and then deep fry you before publicly disowning you and denying your pitiful existence

I had never thought people would write to me for advice and suggestions. A few weeks back, a friend wrote to me and said she just found out that a family member of a friend has depression. But her friend did not know what to say or how to encourage the depression sufferer. She asked me if I had any recommendations. It got me thinking.

However, as I’m not a doctor, I can’t give medical advice. Moreover, what to say is very dependent on the personality and situation of the oppressed. But what I can offer is my take on what NOT to say to someone in depression. Hopefully this can help you empathize where we weirdos are coming from, and for you to be more sensitive to our plight.

And on that note, may I solemnly remind you again: please don’t ever ever EVER again say the below in bold type to me in whatever circumstances if you consider me a friend. Otherwise I’m throwing a tantrum in your face.

Do NOT say:- (Oh wow, I’m writing a list!!!)

1. “Remain Positive”

I think: Duh! I know – but how? To me, my reality is that the world has alreadycaved in. What is irrational to you makes utmost sense to me. I’m so angry / upset / sad / lonely / devastated / hopeless / in despair… Why can’t you understand me?

I feel: Recoil further into my shell to avoid future contact and meaningless advice because you never told me how to remain positive.



1,019 Responses

  1. James Sun says:

    Dear Noch Noch,

    I don’t like these 10 words too.

    How do I justify myself had the depression or not?



    • nochnoch says:

      HI James

      Thanks for coming by. It’s hard to justify. My psychologist said to me, there is no need to justify. It’s a situation, an illness like the flu. It happened, and we have to deal with it, confront it, and prevent it from happening again, just like any other cold or stomach aches we get. For me, it was an enriching journey to find out more about myself through my depression. I hope you find something in it for you. Embrace depression. Embrace the pain. You will make it through to

      Write to me any time if you want to vent. I can’t “Counsel” you per se, but I can listen and I won’t judge, and I definitely won’t say the above 10 phrases to you :)

      Noch Noch

      • Richard says:

        NochNoch you are too modest. In your own way, with your blog and by sharing yourself so generaously with thge world, you are counselling. And you are helping others. Be proud – this is a great thing you are doing.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Richard

          Thanks :) I hope some people can resonate with what I write here, if just one person. I will give myself a pat on my back as you suggest. Long way to go – but you are right, I’ve come far already in this struggle, and that deserves a little praise :)

          Noch Noch

      • Giles says:

        Hi Noch Noch

        I like the fact that you are non-judgmental. I used to fight with depression as well, and when someone came around trying to talk me out of it, I got even more depressed. Today, I have mastered the art of happy existence by subjugating my ego and detaching myself from all temporal activities. It was a liberating epiphany once realized that I may be in this world, but not of it. Now, I just observe the world and remain centered, transcending the fight-flight response to circumstance, events, people, chaos, merriment, or even tragedies.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Giles

          Thanks – I’ve had to learn to not judge others, depression has taught me a lot of compassion and understanding. I’m glad to hear you have mastered the art of happy existence. I’m learning that too. Trying to be in the world and not letting it control me or me, trying to control it. Sounds like you have reached some sort of enlightenment :)

          Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Talk again soon
          Noch Noch

  2. Wendy Love says:

    I cannot add to your amazing list. You have covered everything! Now how about a list of the opposite of everything you said, a list of ‘what to say to a depressed person’. I would put on that list ‘I am bringing over supper for you’, or ‘may I come and clean your house?’, or ‘is there something that you are worried about getting done that you can’t do because of this depression? Could I do it for you?’

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Wendy

      I always love your name – Wendy Love, over spills with love and care :)
      thanks for coming back here again
      Yes – now we have to think about the opposites to say to people in depression. I should have thought about that before this post hahaha… your suggestions are great. Bringing supper over is great, and just offering help. I need to write another list!
      Thanks for suggesting this

      Noch Noch

  3. Mark K. says:


    I was greatly relieved to make it to the bottom and see that I am in the clear!

    For people that have never been deeply depressed, if they can just imagine the worst headache they have ever had, that would help with quite a few of these. Do you want to eat, or get up and be active, or just snap out of it, or explain why it hurts when you have a bad headache? Does thinking about the fact that your foot does not hurt really help your headache?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Mark

      hahahah i like that analogy – thinking about my foot will not help a headache – and I know coz i suffer from really bad migraines as well. Sometimes though, I cannot blame others, it’s hard for them to imagine what goes through in our head and to know what to say. Some of them get impatient because we drag their moods down too by being negative, so it’s understandable. But next time someone says any of that to me, I will reply “think about your foot when u have a headache to make you feel better” hahaha

      Noch Noch

  4. Tony Applebaum says:

    Oh so true. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. People try to be helpful, but if we could “just snap out of it” don’t they know we would? Shared on Facebook. Thank you so much for this post =)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tony

      Thanks for sharing on Facebook! I hope more people can understand us. It’s about communication I suppose. And indeed, if we could snap out of it, I would have done that three years ago! I appreciate people’s intentions to help, but I’d rather they didn’t try sometimes ….
      Hope you are doing ok with your struggles.

      Noch Noch

  5. Brilliant. I understand every single one. I can think to add one “You’re not even trying” Answer, how do you know what I am or am not trying to do, or what’s going on in my head?” Again, great read, sorry though that you feel this way too. :(

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Shawnna

      Thanks for coming by – and nice to meet you over pinterest and facebook. It’s a great thing you did for us. We all try I know. We try so hard it exhausts us I think. And because we try, we don’t know how to explain to others what we are trying to do because we seem to see no results.
      It’s a good addition, thanks for it!

      Noch Noch

  6. Sara says:

    Hi Enoch

    Thanks for that. it’s very succinct and clear and actually you know what even without being depressed no one likes to hear these

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Sara

      Thinking about it – yes true, no one likes to here this depressed or not, it’s slightly patronizing, isn’t it. I also need to remind myself not to say that to anyone :)

      Noch Noch

  7. Fascinating! What I especially loved reading about was how your fiancé *was* able to help by forcing you out for a walk and talking about random things. I can’t say that I’ve been through depression like you have, but through my temporary episodes, I remember that distraction made all the difference too. I’d love to read more about other things that *did* work in making you feel better, even if only for moments at a time!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Samantha

      Hi again :) Always love to see that little picture by your name, makes me happy just seeing your smile
      Getting distracted was great. I indulged in jigsaw puzzles. I have some 15 or them stacked up now at home.
      And I will take up on your suggestion, and also Wendy’s below, and write about some things that *did* work for me and share those too… give me a few posts’ time!

      Thanks for this!
      Noch Noch

  8. Daniel Waters says:

    I don’t think people even realise the damage they can do by saying those things.

    I definitely think that more awareness of depression is needed. You see leaflets in doctors surgeries giving help for all sorts of ilnesses. I remember when I was younger I cut my head and I was sent home with a leaflet about follow up symptoms. I think it should be mandatory for anyone diagnosed with depression to be given a booklet that explains the illness in an easy form and gives help and guidance to loved ones. There could be a list of recommended books for those who are interested and help lines to call for support or emergencies.

    All that usually happens is a prescription of anti-depressants. I had to push and push to be referred to an alternative method of therapy. I was on medication for 4 months before being passed on to a support group called Positive Step. If I would’ve been referred to them straight away then that could have accelerated my recovery greatly. I can only assume that it’s cheaper to give out the pills than it is to delve a little deeper.

    • nochnoch says:

      HI Daniel

      Thanks for your perspectives on this. I agree, many of us resort to anti depressants. My psychologist said anti depressants are not as effective as with therapy. Perhaps we need some medication to tone up our physical level of serontonins in the first place, but we need therapy and support group. I totally agree. It is with the talking and crying that I started to come to terms with myself

      however, I find one thing difficult, sometimes we just don’t know we are depressed, and we don’t seek help. I know i was one. I had no idea what was going on. I must have been depressed for much longer prior to being diagnosed medically. But i didn’t know. I thought it was a “phase”

      Many of us go through that without knowing, and without understanding our symptoms etc. I’m trying to tell my story so people who identify with me and my background, can hopefully also identify their similar symptoms, hopefully earlier than I did and so they don’t need to slide to rock bottom like I did.

      There are more and more awareness campaigns these days. When we are better and feel comfortable, let’s play our part in contributing to awareness.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Perhaps we could also start putting together our list of books / websites / call lines for others

      Take care, and talk again soon
      Noch Noch

  9. The Vizier says:

    Hiya Noch Noch,

    I love your vivid warnings about what you would do to people who dare to say the 10 forbidden things to depressed people. You would have made a great and fearsome Empress! :)

    That aside, looking at those 10 things did make me feel irritated as I read them. I too have grappled with depression so I know how awful these 10 things sound. Driven to despair I might just start impaling people myself. 😛

    Hmmm I suppose the ones that I dislike the most are:

    1. Remain Positive

    This to me is as good as not saying anything since it does not make me feel better, neither does it resolve my situation. We are both agreed on this point.

    3. Pull yourself together

    If I could I would.

    6. Go do something and you will feel better

    Like you I cannot be bothered when I am depressed. I remember reading that Casanova, one of the earlier Aries I used to admire, slept a lot when he was depressed. Sleeping a lot when I am depress does indeed help. Did you know, being depress burns a lot of energy and you just feel super tired for some reason.

    I did like how your fiance brought you out of the house for a walk. Just walking by your side and being there for you and changing the scenery would have helped you to feel better.

    I also agree that the wrong thing said can drive a depressed person to suicide.

    Indeed all we want and need is some comfort or at least to let us be until we feel better. It is a matter of going through the healing process and we may have to do whatever it takes to crawl out of the hole to reach the light again. If people cannot encourage us, the last thing we need is for them to discourage us.

    Thank you for sharing this important article!

    Irving the Vizier

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Irving

      My fiance calls me the “dragon lady” which I think, is what they used to call Empress Dowager hahahah :p

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts on these. I feel that it is also only fair to those around us that we tell them what we would need / like during those trying times. The hard thing is that, when we were going through it, we had no energy to tell them, as you say, we were always tired. And also, perhaps, we didn’t know what we needed ourselves. at least i didn’t
      Now that I have a bit more clarity, i felt it was appropriate to tell my friends – and warn them *wink wink*. That way, they won’t feel frustrated at us, and feel that they are only trying to care but why are we non-receptive or ungrateful…

      Noch Noch

  10. Benny says:

    Really powerful. I felt kinda bad reading them because I may have said these kinds of things to people before, but I don’t know if they were clinically depressed though.

    I know being depressed is way different than just having a bad day or even a bad week. So the wording has to be different.

    I know being depressed can’t be fixed with the snap of your fingers.

    I’ll have to remember these in the future if I ever come across someone in your same situation.

    And I apologize in advance if I have ever said these things to you! I don’t want to be deep fried!!! :)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Benny

      Maybe I can add you to the creme brulee after deep frying you! :p
      But kidding aside, thank for sharing your perspective. I think it’s also hard on those who have not been through depression to full understand, and it really isn’t anyone’s fault that they dont. It’s a different perspective I suppose. To dispel the difference we need to communicate our thoughts. I’m touched you find it helpful and that you will endeavour to understand us loonies haha. We all need more people like you around to keep us going. But I understand it’s also hard on you guys, esp spouses. My fiance came into the room and asked “are you going to skin me alive now?” haha. He was great in helping me, but I think anyone in a “normal” circumstance might react the same. I probably would have too, if I wasnt on the other receiving end myself.
      So more communication, and we can all learn to live with each other

      Noch Noch

  11. Hi Noch!

    Great list you’ve got there. I like the picture too. Even though, I’ve never had depression, I’ve had my share of anxiety and panic attacks. So I can relate to many of the points you list.

    People who haven’t experienced depression or anxieties just don’t have a clue about what that feels like. Knowing what not to do, or say is a good place for them to start understanding! Very good!

    Thanks, Vlad

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Vlad

      Thanks! Do you get annoyed when you have a panic attack and people around you say “Calm down”? I do. Because when I’m panicking is when I don’t know how to calm myself down. Grrrr
      But again, it’s hard for them as you say, they don’t have a clue what to say or do or how to help, even if their intentions are noble
      So hopefully more learning from each other!

      Noch Noch

  12. Douglas Eby says:

    Thanks – you bring up in this post so many ways other people respond that are definitely not sympathetic, or empathetic, or helpful. Some people who say these kinds of things may be trying to be helpful, others are just ignorant, and others may be uncomfortable facing someone with depression or another mental health challenge.

    Thanks again for your article on one of my sites: Regaining Control Over Depression

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Douglas

      Thanks for coming by. I’m glad you enjoyed the article given your expertise and experience in helping others develop their talents despite all odds. I’m honoured to have had some posts published on your website. I hope more people become aware of our plights and also facilitate conversation between us so we may understand and be sensitive to each other

      Noch Noch

  13. Akos Fintor says:

    I was told many of these things since I was too in a deep shit (Hell ride) once….for a very, very long time.
    I was telling myself over and over again that : “Nobody could help me!”
    Once I realized the truth behind that statement it came to me: I’m the problem and I’m the solution.
    I started researching about anxiety and depression and the knowledge got me where I’m at now. From that deep hole I got to a place where I’m untouchable :)

    Thank you for the share!


  14. Great article, Noch Noch. Even better documentation that you can refer any unaware/oblivious friends + loved ones to when they offer any type of over-simplified, unhelpful but good-intentioned advice.

    From my experience, I can add the following to the long, long list of misplaced advice:

    1) You just need to pray more… this along with several other negative experiences of having depression as a Christian are why I’m no longer one. Just consider myself spiritual, not religious.

    2) I’m worried about you… many people say this one with as much thought as “I’ll pray for you.” Us anxiety-prone people know full well that worrying does no good for anyone. I get upset because the message I get from someone worried about me is that I need to put on a happy face all the time for them. I refuse to be inauthentic any longer. On the other extreme, when I’m really in it, people have been upset with me for not responding when they say they’re worried about me. It becomes a tool of manipulation to get a response from me, to engage me in conversation, when I’m just trying to survive day-to-day in full-blown depression. Blah… they can keep their worry. I’ve got enough of my own:\

    3) Take a pill… while I can’t say so for sure for everyone, for me, medication has been ineffective because my problems are not chemically-based. I become enraged when people assume there’s such a super-simple solution like a magic pill that will make a lifetime of negative coping mechanisms + habitual ways of thinking go away.

    All of these statements come back to the basic lack of knowledge + misunderstanding of mental illness. People also get uncomfortable with difficulty + want to fix things as quickly as possible. Sometimes life sucks + that’s okay. It’s when we receive invalidating messages that it’s not supposed to be from those around us that we become even more distressed.

    Mental illness is tough enough to deal with on it’s own. Add a ton of stigma + well-intentioned bad advise… it’s no wonder we often suffer in silence to avoid the misunderstanding.

    Thanks for sharing. It’s got me thinking about how to educate others + help them to be more helpful as they desire when we’re going through our trials.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Stephanie

      Glad you agree with me my dear friend. We suffer the same and I know you can empathize. Those were great 3 additions you put in the comments. And strangely, I had the exact same experience re (1) and have drifted away from the church as a result. I still believe that God exists and I find solace in it, but the “religion” or “the church”, I’m not sure yet. Like you, I’m working out my spirituality, not religion. It’s a process, and I think I can meander a little to find it. I get very turned off that some Christian friends I had would tell me I was doing something wrong when I”m soul searching… Anyways…

      As for (2), i totally get what you mean. I feel that some friends did that to me too, whether they intended to or not. One kept leaving me messages to say “i care about you, you can always talk to me” and “i’m worried about you since you haven’t replied for so long”. I didn’t like that. It made me feel guilty and I felt manipulated. LIke you, i preferred to deal with it on my own terms and time. I don’t need to be accountable for whoever calls me. Some other friends just sent one message, and knew me well enough that, whether i was sick or not, i would reply in my time and if i didn’t, they should not bother me.

      Thanks for sharing your story, and the pain here, so openly. It takes a lot to do so. I’m glad we are in this together, and want to help others

      Talk soon

      Noch Noch

  15. […] of those depressed for giving them also some encouragement to deal with us who struggle, and 10 Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Person, which I believe, speaks for […]

  16. Hanan says:

    Beautiful article. Loved it! You couldn’t have describes depression better. Forgive me if I say the wrong things to you sometimes. I always mean to help… It is good to be reminded though that what we often need most is to be heard. From my experience, gentle guidance does make a difference. It acts as a crutch that we can lean on through those unpleasant times. And sometimes when you are informed of what to expect, the ordeal becomes a bit more bearable. The element of surprise is not as powerful. When I first came to North America, I remember liking the fact that dentist here tell you exactly what they will be doing at every step and they let you know how it is going to feel too. So you jump less. Their experience becomes part of your knowledge and experience. Keep your ears tuned to the right info. Deep down there’s a knowing that can discern between what works and what doesn’t. Much love, H.H.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Hanan

      Great to hear from you here again. I know I owe you an email reply but I also know you don’t mind me so much not replying instantly, right?
      Yes, sometimes it’s how things are said. It’s funny, I had dinner with a friend last night, and I said “it’s not what you say but how you say it”, and he said “girls always say that!” – is that true? :)
      But guidance, if given harshly is harder to take, but gentle guidance as you said, is much easier to assimilate. And yes the element of surprise, after communication, becomes less jumpy. I hope everyone can keep communicating. It’s slightly harder for us when we suffer and moods aren’t great, but I think both sides need to try :)

      Noch Noch

      • Hanan says:

        Hi Noch,
        Yes, don’t worry about replying to my email(s). Write only when you feel like it or have something to say. From my experience on advice and those who offer them, I often don’t want to hear any advice from my immediate family (siblings). They are well meaning but have no clue how to support someone who is hurting emotional (or mentally). They want me to snap out of it… its hurt (& scares) them to see me hurt. I do become selective on who to brief on my emotional state. I value mostly those who reassure me that things will improve, that I am on the right track… and that I am not a freak of nature. We all fall and somehow each finds the courage to dust off their knees and keep on walking, maybe crawling sometimes… it doesn’t matter… but we get there one way or another. Besides, some advice that is offered is valid, but if one is not ready for it, it will go in one ear, out another. A year or two down the road, it could make more sense and save you lots of miseries…

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Hanan

          That’s so true – I’ve also learnt, over the course of my plight, who to open up to. Sometimes I realize, it also makes the other person uncomfortable to hear it for they don’t know what to say. Some of my closest friends who knows, just ask me how I am, I tell them how I am, they nod, smile, and say “that’s good, take it easy” and it’s just so reassuring for me. they don’t judge or ask why it’s taking me so long, just to chill out and do what makes me happy. that’s the best thing for me to hear :)

          Noch Noch

  17. Lisa says:

    Great list! I have two more “Don’t Ever Say” comments to add:

    1) “When I feel down, I always do XYZ.” (when XYZ = listen to music, help someone else, etc.)

    So what? Your “down” days are nothing compared to my years of misery. Did you cry for hours for no reason? Did you spend entire days on the couch staring into space? Does the slightest hint of negativity punch you in the gut? Your down day is not chronic depression, which makes your “solution” like putting a band-aid on an amputated leg. Way too simplistic, and smacks of Pollyanna.

    2) “When you’re down, you make the rest of us miserable.” (or sad, or uncomfortable, etc).

    Thanks – now I have guilt to add to my list of things that make me cry. I’M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE! (and especially not to you, my family, who I love.)

    Noch Noch, I love that you clarified for me the reasons why some of these comments make me so aggravated. They don’t make any sense if you truly understand depression. Unfortunately, people tend to jump into advice mode, even when they don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s kind of like trying to put yourself in the position of a trained surgeon, when your own experience consists of sewing ripped dolls. Would you walk up to a surgeon at a cocktail party and volunteer, “Well, when I fix legs I always make sure I have good light.” Imagine the kind of look you’d get!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lisa

      Those are great additions!!! Thanks for that. I find those advice also useless given our low mood periods. It’s “irrational” for them, but totally reasonable for us. It cracked me up, that example you gave about the surgeon. I visualized the scene and just cracked up hahaha. I think if we put it to that light, with such a great analogy, people may understand more too, so thanks for explaining it in a easy to grasp way

      Thanks for coming by. Hope you will come back again soon, and I hope you are doing well in your struggles against depression.

      Noch Noch

  18. AmyR says:

    Hi Noch Noch,

    I found your piece through a link on Douglas Eby’s site. Just want to say, thank you so much for writing this. I’ve dealt with depression and off for quite a while. Years ago when I was going through my deepest darkest experiences, the hardest thing was feeling so alone and misunderstood, even by family members who felt they had my best interest at heart. To echo what so many respondents have been saying here, you don’t really know what it’s like unless you’ve gone through it, and being talked to this way by people who think they know only causes more pain and anguish.

    There’s strength and comfort in knowing we’re not alone. Thanks again.


    • AmyR says:

      Meant to say, “I’ve dealth with depression on and off” in the third sentence.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Amy

      Thanks for sharing your experience and story. It’s true, once I found out I wasn’t alone, because I felt so alone in the beginning, I felt less “bad” about being sick. And also understanding that this is an illness like any other. I used to think I was “looney” or going “crazy”… There are many of us who share the same story. I hope we all form a bond somehow, so we know we have each other to rely on, even though we have never met, for we know what it feels like.
      I’m also learning to disregard others when they say anything like that to me, and to help myself not get affected emotionally by it. I think to myself, “they don’t know, so it’s ok, they can say what they want…”

      Please take care
      Noch Noch

  19. […] fra – en blog om depresjon som anbefales på det sterkeste. Bloggen, altså, ikke depresjonen. […]

  20. Crystal says:

    Im taking 1st steps for severe depression &the one thing that got to me was i was barely concious as my body had exhausted itself but the paremedic kept asking me 1:what’s wrong 2:why dont i grow up 3:why am i trying to scare my family& 4:do i want to go to hospital–needless to say i told her not very politely to go away–answers 1: i dont know what’s wrong,if i knew i would try to sort it 2: i dont want to grow up right now,im in my own world trying to make sense of what’s going on,just let me be 3: yeah its great fun feeling this way and scaring my kids,myself and everyone else,dont you think if i could control my actions i would 4: do i want hospital is a hard one right then im only thinking i want to die,make it stop,you’re horrible&a bunch of other thing’s,i want to talk but my brain does not want to function–on the other hand i need help but you make me feel worse so just leave me alone!—am i actually making sense to anyone out there?Feeling like this most days,but knowing i’ll be ok one day!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Crystal

      you make complete sense to me, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. i’m sorry you feel bad, but rest assured you are not alone out there… do you have a counselor or psychologist you can see to talk about it? I don’t really know the scope of a paramedic’s work but i don’t think s/he is the best person to help you now. your body is exhausted and stressed out, and hence you won’t have the brainpower to think through things. at least that’s what happened to me. a doctor who has treated depression before, and some expert you can talk to is the best. also there are some online sites you can call / email and they have professionals reply, such as or
      you could try those too?
      sorry I’m not much help since I”m not a doctor myself, but i do hope you hang on in there. it WILL be ok one day. if anything, you can write to me and vent. i can’t really help solve much, but at least I can listen and empathize :)

      Noch Noch

      • crystal says:

        I am seeing doctor and under care of mental health team now,also on strong mood lifters, antidepressants and some antibiotics as I also have a chest infection and something else which made it worse…….guess things just came to a head for me and my body said enough………….feeling very nervous about it,but my mum says she’ll be there and I know even though it’s really hard for me , it is for the best.
        Thanks for responding and i hope my comment helps someone understand how we are thinking in the midst of it all

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Crystal
          I had some combination of physical pains too. i hope your chest infection goes away soon. please hang on in there. I’ll be nervous with you if it helps :)
          Noch Noch

  21. Becajean says:

    Help please. My married daughter is suffering from depression. She posts on FB, “I’m soooo tired. The Xanax really kicked my butt today.” I don’t know if I should comment, leave it alone, or what to say. I want to tell her not to post things on Fb about the medicines she is taking or her current stratus. Is it okay or necessary for posting stuff like that. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I want to be supportive. Is she wanting responses?? Any guidance. I’ve been remaining silent. The ony thing I ever really say is that I love her. Why does she post stuff like that? How do we respond?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Becajean

      Sorry to hear about your daughter. I agree with what Shawnna said – if she got the meds from psychiatrist, it’s a good sign because she knows what’s going on. Also agree she probably wants some attention / sympathy from her friends. Is she also seeing a psychologist / counselor, does her husband know? Perhaps her husband / you could see the psychologist with her to give her support.

      Perhaps it’s best to talk to her in private since you are the mother, and don’t respond on facebook. It might turn her away from you. I kind of hid my posts frm my mother for a while. So I think it’s a good sign she didn’t block you. But if she wants to post, I think let her be. It’s her way of expression perhaps

      I strongly suggest that she find some expert help in counselling and to talk things through with someone who can coach her. However, it might also need to eb done delicately, as I rejected the notion of psychologist from the beginning and my fiance had to drag me there. He knew I was getting very very worse

      If her husband has trouble dealing with her depression, feel free to email me and I can connect them to my fiance. You can read my post “the partner in this whole ordeal” which might encourage him

      If your daughter would like to email me, I’m happy to respond too and listen to her. Sometimes, we just want some one to listen WITHOUT telling us what to do or judge us

      Please let us know how it works out and how she is. She needs to know she is not alone in this – there’s already Shawnna and me :)

      Noch Noch

  22. Dear Becajean,

    Please realize I am obviously on the outside looking in and can only give advise from my own life, I am not a doctor, ect. But when I saw the HELP ME I thought I’d try. PLEASE don’t do anything you think is going to be counter productive!

    First of all, your daughter, did she get the Xanax from a psychiatrist? If so that is good, it means she’s aware of a problem and is doing something about it. I take Xanax too for amazing anxiety, and it really can make you really tired, enough to post about it, trust me! On that post itself I wouldn’t “confront” her publicly, actually, I wouldn’t confront her publicly at all. She probably IS asking for help / attention, I know when I update status saying I feel like this or this I do it for the support I get from friends. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a problem and that I don’t want my family to show concern. (She could have hidden the post from you, she did not)

    My advise? Talk to her. Don’t sweat the comment about being tired, but ask why she needs Xanax, or do you already know all about it? If that’s the case just let her know you are always willing to listen. My parents saved my life. By watching and listening. Sure I was about 13, but you never stop being her parent right?

    If you want, friend request me on Face book and we could talk more there. If not I understand, I just felt compelled to say something to someone who obviously needs to talk! (YOU)


  23. Becajean says:

    Thanks everyone for your input. She is seeing a counselor. Husband has also attended with her. She’s talking about it We just want to make sure we understand how to respond. Thanks so much.

  24. Laura says:

    When I was 14 I was fairly depressed but didn’t know realize I was, I just knew I was unhappy but didn’t think of my self as depressed, then one day my mother said “I’m worried about you, it seems like you have no interests in life, why don’t have any passions?” and proceeded to point out all the people we knew who had interests, passions and hobbies they cared a lot about. She also pointed out that I hardly had any friends and I felt as if that was my fault and something was wrong with me that no one liked me (even though I was being intensely bullied for years before and still then, at the time)
    I realized then that that my mother was right and sank into a deep, deep, depression that lasted in various forms for the better part of the rest of my teenage years. For about two years after said conversation I was suicidal and obsessed with how/when/or if I wanted to kill myself. Basically I couldn’t make up my mind, I guess, my chronic indecision saved me then…

    I still struggle with depression but not to that extent, I know more now who I am and what I am interested in and passionate about and I finally have a good support system and friends. I figured…I don’t care about anything, so why the hell should I keeping living? Whats the point? I have nothing to live for. etc. It wasn’t until I had a child at the age of 19 that I stopped thinking that way.

    I’m so glad you wrote this, I have felt since that time in my life that words really can help push a person into even deeper depression, but I have never heard that talked about until now. Because of this, with depressed friends or family members, I mostly just listen and don’t say much except to let them know I care about and or love them and are there for them.

    Other things to add to the list:
    “I’m (and especially we’re) worried about you.”
    I feel there’s other ways of expressing ones concern. You can ask me how I’m doing and let me know you care about me but when it comes to pointing out that I’m behaving in a way that “worries” you, I feel incredibly self conscious and full of self doubt and generally angry with myself for not doing a better job at putting on a happy face (which I work very hard to do, and when I fail at that too it pisses me off, even more) and very annoyed with you for not noticing but thinking its your place to point it out. It feels nosy, partly, like your trying to find gossip fodder, not that you care. It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong.
    Really, it’s anything you could say that brings up my problems in a way that makes me feel even worse, which I feel like has been the underlying message of most of your list as well .

    This isn’t to say one should turn a blind eye to the depressed people in their lives, not at all, depression extremely isolating and having support does help, but it takes a lot of tact and understanding and conscientiousness that I feel a lot of people tend to lack, to really help that person and not exacerbate their depressed and negative feelings.
    Really, don’t make it about you, I think that’s where a lot of these shitty sayings come from, the depressed person makes them feel uncomfortable so they want to say something to try to make it all good so they don’t have to feel uncomfortable or depressed themselves. But I think if you maintain a good balance of good boundaries and self care for yourself while also leaving your own agenda out when supporting someone, then you can be helpful to that person, to as much an extent as you can be.
    Thank you so much for writing this.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Laura

      What heartfelt comments you made. I empathize, and also a big thank you for sharing your story here so openly. Indeed it takes others a lot of tact to react to us who are depressed, and it’s also not easy for them. But what you say towards the end is so true, for depressed or not depressed friends and family, because when we care about others, we can’t make it about us. It has to be about the person we are caring for. Once our intentions are pure, the care will come as genuine and will not make the recipient cringe or feel bad / self conscious. The world needs more kind hearted people as you, who knows that when we care, we simply, care, with no agenda

      I hope you are well, and let’s hang on together

      THanks again for stopping by

      NOch Noch

  25. Hello! I’ve been reading your site for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Dallas Tx! Just wanted to mention keep up the good job!

  26. Hi Noch Noch, I found your blog via the Forbes article you wrote about success tips for expat execs. This post about depression could help a lot of people. Please can you get in touch with me about potentially sharing this on our Expat Women blog? Thanks so much, Andrea x

  27. Moriah Hyle says:

    WOW, I learned a lot.

  28. I validate all your 10 points & also plead guilty to having done this.But tell me,what does one do if one empathizes with a sufferer & wants to help?Yes your fiancee did the right hing but everybody can’t do it,i mean the relationships differ.The truth is ,that a non-sufferer just cannot understand what is going on in the sufferer’s mind & life.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Indu

      Thanks for dropping by, and I completely understand where you are coming from. I was guilty as charged too, for before my depression I also did not understand why some people think the way they do. I can’t assert that what I say is the only thing to do, but I would suggest that you ask the sufferer “what do you want me to do?” or something like “are you looking for suggestions / solutions or just want to talk?”
      sometimes though, the sufferer might not actually know, and could throw a tantrum (as in my case), but if so, just stay there quiet, usually they calm down on their own. I think what we need most is to know that we have not been abandoned and we are not “crazy”. things like “i love you” or “i’m here for you” i think suffices.
      It’s true that all relationships differ. My best friend just talked to me everyday with messages on email, because we were not in the same city. She didn’t ask how I was doing, she just talked about random things in her life. It served to distract me a bit.

      Hope that helps you a little

      Noch Noch

  29. Kristine says:

    I just wanted to say that I LOVE YOU mucho xxxx

    Spiritual birthday twins forever 😉

  30. victoria says:

    I have been seriously depressed, and am mostly functioning now, plan to be taking meds the rest of my life, and really really hope that I never sink into that black space again.

    Yet, I have to admit that I am guilty of saying platitudes to my sister, who is in the midst of a great depression. Maybe not these ones exactly, but close enough to have gotten her angry at me. (Anger is good. It shows that other feelings are starting to poke through. Still I respect her wish not to be given those platitudes.)

    And my son, to whom I say “Get just one thing done today. Just one. It will help.” But of course, my shrink used to say that to me a lot, until I started doing “just one thing” on a regular basis. Writing helps. A lot.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Victoria

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sorry to hear of your plight. But yes writing helps a lot. I drown myself in writing and trying to flesh out my thoughts. My shrink used to tell me that anger is a surface emotion and there is really something else underneath the anger I need to explore, maybe it’s frustration, loneliness, guilt, sadness etc… So I’m trying to do that

      What do you write these days?

      Noch Noch

  31. Victoria says:

    I blog:, and I have also had a website since I first became depressed…. I also write occasional articles for publication. Not enough to earn a living, but it is still good for me.

  32. MEW says:

    Bravo! A tool to empower the powerless… Depression can be as lethal as addiction and it is certainly as isolating and misunderstood. I struggled with it from 14 to 35 before I was diagnosed with bi-polar two and went into treatment. I was catatonic. Today, with the help of good medications and an exceptional psyciactric councler, I live a stable and beautiful life. Who would have thought that was possible????
    I wish you all the very best.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Mew

      Thanks! Wow – that was a long time and kudos to you for hanging on in there. You sound very cheerful and content. I’m encouraged by that spirit. I will get out of this too and be more stable!!
      Indeed I think we are very misunderstood, so I want to share my story and tell it for other people to understand us.

      Noch Noch

  33. […] overtly, inside I was definitely arrogant and basked in the glory of my achievements. Anyone who “couldn’t pull themselves together” and make the grades in addition to excelling in a full basket of extra curricular activities and […]

  34. Jessica says:

    I really enjoyed reading this (and the rest of your blog). It’s soooo much more complicated than just ‘snapping out of it.’ Lots of people don’t seem to be able to put depression in the same category as, say, a broken leg or the flu. On top of that, sometimes friends back home seem to think that because you live in a glamorous place, bad things just can’t happen to you. It’s a bad combination!

    Thanks for sharing, and hope things are going well for you.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jessica

      Thanks for coming by and happy to hear you like my blog. Yes I think depression is misunderstood a lot, as is many other mental illnesses. But also part of it is that we don’t tell others what’s on our mind and explain why we think / feel that way. Though it’s hard to open up too. So hopefully a few more people can understand

      Hope t see you here again soon!
      Noch Noch

  35. Flo says:

    I went in search of an article like this because last night I was bombarded with terribly insensitive and arrogant statements just like it. I’m glad I wasn’t actually being sensitive and that they were actually being quite offensive. I’m not in a really fit state to decide if I’m being rational or not so it was nice to see I wasn’t completely overreacting.

    I have a few to add from this experience myself…

    1 (and this falls under “look how lucky you are”) “People would kill to have a job like yours being able to take long holidays and get paid loads.”

    Basically stop complaining, you get loads of time off and have loads of money, you can’t be depressed.

    2 “YOU don’t have manic depression! My friend has it and you DEFINITELY don’t!”

    Oh great so that’s your professional opinion is it? No, it’s your ‘I know 1 person with manic depression and you’re nothing like her’ opinion, isn’t it?

    3 “I mean I’ve got SERIOUS mental health issues I don’t tell you guys about”

    So what I have is trivial and I shouldn’t bother you with it. Did it not occur to you that I have a more serious problem that I’m not really telling you guys about, but now I’m trying and I’m what? A drama queen?

    4 I actually got told to “Cheer up”. Yes seriously.

    5 and this is the one that really did the most damage. “Open your mind. You’ve got such a negative attitude. Maybe if you weren’t so narrow minded you’d be happier”

    I mean where do I start? I already think no one likes me, now you tell me you think I’m this really negative narrow minded person? What’s worse about this is that it’s completely untrue. I’m one of those happy on the outside depressed people. My friends are shielded from about 90% of my real negativity. So I went home thinking I was this joy vampire that sucks the life out of everything. No wonder I have so few friends.

    A big bravo to my “friends” for putting me in a cavernous hole.

    This helped a lot as I needed to be assured that they were being jerks, not me.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Flo

      I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles and what you were faced with. I completely feel you. I think there’s a difference between someone who’s depressed clinically, and someone who just feels down. Perhaps all those phrases we loathe have truth in them for someone who does not have depression, and some people play victim or are indeed too negative. However, for us who are wrought with depression clinically, it’s a different thing. So rest assured you are not the only one. I hope you find solace somewhere else who can comfort you, just sit with you and let you let out your emotions without criticizing. Feel free to email me through my blog, I can listen, though I’m not professional psychologist and cannot necessarily counsel.

      Take care
      Noch Noch

  36. […] and try to hold on to whatever life boats we can find. Unfortunately, in the midst, we get more confused with the wealth of information and emergency hotlines Google sends […]

  37. […] should you say to a depressed person if you say anything to them?…Post   Add AnswerBIU     @   Edit Link Text Show […]

  38. Lady Cluck says:

    This entry made me think a lot about my own experiences of both living with depression and dealing with it in someone else. I was diagnosed with ‘moderate depressive episodes’ five years ago, while my partner has complex PTSD.

    I will add something else to the list of your ‘things never to say to someone with depression’ although this is more in reference to stress, specifically. The central idea is the same though.

    My partner is a kind, hard working and decent man who until recently worked full time in customer service for a major European bank. He had been upfront with his manager and line manager about his treatment for PTSD and the company had actually provided and financed some of his treatment. Shortly before Christmas he was having a bad time of things, lots of episodes and finding it really hard to maintain motivation and actually get himself up and into work in the morning. Between Christmas and New Year he got the chance to speak to his line manager about the difficulties he was having.

    Her response was ‘Stress? Stress?? You don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stress’, you’ve not got kids or a mortgage, pull yourself together and get back out there!’

    He was signed off work shortly after that and has not been able to go back yet. He wants to. He wants to be working for a living and helping me to provide for our future and save for our wedding and plan our lives together. Yet he cannot go back and face his place of work now knowing that when things get rough, this will be the response he faces from the person who is supposed to support him.

    We don’t have kids. We don’t have a mortgage. But we do have each other, with all of our problems, and we do have financial concerns and rent to pay, and bills to pay, and while we don’t have kids yet we would like to both be healthy and financially stable enough to have them. And that is on our minds a lot as we are in our early thirties now and the clock is ticking.

    I would say to anyone who is providing support to someone with depression or stress, don’t assume that you know what the triggers are. Someone’s life may look easy to you on the outside but until you spend a day in their minds, you will never know what actually worries them or upsets them, and you may be so way off track in your assumptions that you end up doing more damage.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lady Cluck

      Thanks for sharing this story – very powerful and very true. I made that mistake of judging myself in the beginning, that I shouldn’t be stressed. But you are right, no one knows what triggers. What looks like from outside to be happy may not be the case really. Everyone thought I was happy and had it all. And I felt bad I was depressed. But now I understand it’s irrational to an extent. We try very hard to do what we can even with depression. Just because we can get up and walk around doesn’t mean we can handle things the way we used to. And sometimes, we just can’t. There is a line between playing victim and blaming others than clinical depression, which is lots harder than “pulling ourselves together”!!

      I appreciate your sharing and insightful addition to the discussion


      Noch Noch

  39. Sheryl says:

    I was told at work, by the Employee Assistance Worker, that there are children starving in India. I told her she didn’t need to tell me all of this, because I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EVERYTHING. She continued to tell me all about India. It was torture.

    My supervisor told me maybe I shouldn’t be working there. I love my job (I am currently on long-term disability). I miss my job. It is a great job. The working conditions became unbearable. I was treated sub-human.

    My office manager and his boss (I have so many bosses) told me that I just need to get over things and forget the past. They proceeded to chart out my every sick day over the past three years and tell me (and my peers, behind my back) why I was not going to be getting an acting managerial opportunity. Because I am weak, I was told. When really, I do my job very, very well. Clearly inequitable treatment. I had put up with this for years. Harassment, humiliation, being held back from opportunity.

    I have lost all confidence and self-esteem. I have tried to take my life at least three times.

    Recently I was told not to take someone’s silence personally. They are just so busy with their own crazy life. This made me feel like a huge, huge burden, completely unimportant, unwanted, not worth any kind of effort, selfish, stupid for even trying… everything of that sort.

    I was also told that I just don’t want help. That this person has done nothing wrong, has only tried to be a friend, has tried to help, has asked me to get professional help but I just don’t want help. And that I’m doing this to myself.

    All of this was said as I was in the process of overdosing, trying to end my life yet again.

    I can’t begin to tell you how all of this has made me feel.

    I apologized once again for being such a horrible friend, for being selfish…

    Nothing seems right. I can’t imagine ever feeling worth it. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m doing this to myself? I just can’t believe that. I have been fighting this since diagnosis in 1998. I want a life. I have no children. I have no husband, no boyfriend. All I have is fear and insecurity, self-loathing. I am spending so much money trying to fix all of this. Trying every therapy out there. Yet I “don’t want help” and I’m doing this to myself.

    All I have been doing is crying. I’m so tired of crying. I want to feel vital and useful, part of society again. I’m doing everything I can. Yet I feel like I’m hiding, like I need to hide.

    It’s all so confusing.

    • Hi Sheryl,

      Perhaps you are on a correction course. Instead of fighting it, let it happen. Let go of the fears, let go of trying to control or fix it. Allow life to bring you to where you need to be. You will know when you get there.

      Good luck. Vlad

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Sherly

      Sorry for the late reply. I was taking a break from blogging as I got married this past weekend. It makes me sad to hear your story but thanks for sharing your feelings. I understand that confusion and helplessness. I had a period like that too, questioning everything, what I did wrong, why did it happen, and everyone had an opinion on why and what and how. It was very confusing and annoying.

      But like Vlad said, perhaps to let it unfold. My shrink also said I had to feel the emotions, let it happen. Feel it. Cry, do whattver. And after all the pent up frustration is let out, it will then get better.

      Please write to me if you are comfortable. I can’t really counsel or give advice as I’m not a trained psychologist, but I promise to listen and not pass judgment

      Noch Noch

  40. […] excuse the fact that I’m updating only to direct your attention to a post in the archives, “10 things not to say to a depressed person.” Nevertheless, this article tells my story, and hopefully does its part in explaining depression […]

  41. Andi-Roo says:

    I was trying to explain to my brother-in-law just last week that depression is not merely a “mood” or a fun way of being dramatic or a way to draw attention to ourselves. He didn’t get it. He said he gets depressed & is always able to snap out of it. I told him, “That’s not clinical depression. What you describe is in essence, being “down in the dumps” for a bit. Sad, or blue. That’s not wanting to kill yourself & being too tired to follow through even with suicide & feeling like a complete waste of space on the planet because you can’t even get this simple thing right.” He said I was wrong. I told him next time a wave crashes over me, I’ll be sure to call him so he can push me over a cliff with his lack of understanding & empathy. My husband called him stupid. That made me feel much better. I’m so glad I have a partner to back me up & validate my feelings. Who doesn’t try to lift me up & get pissed when I’m way too heavy. Who doesn’t scold me like a child. Who merely holds me hand, brings me a coke & a pen & some paper & whatever book I’m currently reading, & says supportive things like, “Why don’t you lie here a bit & do some writing,or just read for a bit, or take a nap? I’ll cook dinner & call the doctor & see how soon we can get you in. I love you, Babes. We’ll get through this.” I don’t feel alone when he says he’s with me. I don’t feel stupid. I don’t feel like I’m expected to pop right up & fix my own dumb-thinking. I don’t feel like a failure. I don’t feel like I’m letting him down. I feel loved. I feel like this is an illness that needs to be treated. I feel like, if I have cancer & lose my hair & my boobs & my kidney & every other part of me, it’ll be okay, because someone on this planet loves me no matter how messed up I am. One person loves me. Most days, that’s enough. Everything else is superficial, & my brother-in-law is a complete ass. But I forgive him. People can’t help being mentally incapacitated. I know this.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Andi-Roo

      I agree with you. Clinical depression is misunderstood at times. It’s hard for those who have not been through it to understand. I used to think the same: “snap out of it.” Only through my own suffering was I humbled and come to understand what it’s like. That’s also why I’m writing and hoping to raise awareness. I feel I also have a duty to explain to those who don’t know about it to try to empathize. It’s encouraging to hear that you have someone to help you like your husband, who’s there no matter what. He’s great strength for you. And I hope you will pull through this challenge.

      Noch Noch

  42. Iem says:

    Thanks for sharing the above. So true! Personally I have been told all of the above and all they ever served were to make me feel even worse! I felt more worthless than ever and ever more convinced that world is better without me. However, I was determined to get out of the serious depression that I had. I felt that life really shouldn’t be as such. There must be more to life!

    Sad to say, I had been battling this difficult journey by myself. Lost 2 relationships along the way, a promising career and greatly misunderstood. Through self-love and patience, I’m glad to say that I feel much better compared to before.

    As a comment to this post, I’d like to share 2 more points which I experienced personally during my darkest moments and absolutely hated them.

    1. “Why can’t you get out of depression? I think you enjoy being depressed!” o_O

    Enough said, I never want to speak to that person again!

    2. “The reason you are depressed because you are mentally weak! You had too good a life therefore you can’t face the tiny bit of challenges now.”

    It’s just cruel to say such things to a clinically depressed person. DO YOU PPL THINK I WANT TO BE DEPRESSED? It has been the worst nightmare of my life!

    Thanks Noch. I know I’m not alone in this uphill battle.

    Take care and have a blessed wedding.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lem

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Made me cringe… those things you got said to you. I’m glad you had a big heart and let it slide. A lot of people don’t understand the irrationality of clinical depression. It’s not so easy. And actually, the fact you can admit to it and find ways to help yourself, that’s strength!!! A lot of people don’t have courage yet

      You are not alone in this indeed. I used to feel very alone. but now I also know there are many out there like us, struggling everyday, and needing each other’s help every day

      Thanks for the well wishes – wedding was great fun!

      Noch Noch

  43. Appy Christian says:

    This is exactly what my friends tell me, i dont wanna talk to them when they start up saying things like this….they make me feel useless somehow when they just dont stop…. they’re my very good friends, and i just dont get it as to how to express how i really feel, it just feels useless to tell them anything… its pointless… i so wish someone would really understand what’s happening to me..

    • Appy Christian says:

      My friends also tell me that i like being depressed and thats y every other day i am sad and moaning about something, they also say that i m a cry baby… i wish they wud know exactly how i felt… i hate them for being like this with me… i hate them all

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Appy

        Are there other new friends you can make? A support group in your vicinity? Maybe they will be better help and comfort for you?
        You are not a cry baby. I know. I have faith in you that you will pull through

        Noch Noch

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Appy

      Sorry to hear that :(
      You can write to me here. I’ll listen. I understand…
      As you can see from the comments, you are not alone in this. We all understand
      Perhaps distance yourself slightly from your friends who make you feel bad, let yourself feel the emotions and deal with them in your own time and space
      Take care
      Noch Noch

  44. Tsukiko says:

    I’m 19, going on 20, and I am coming into the realisation that I am depressed.

    I’ve been empty, thinking of myself as a waste of space and time and air and money for as long as I can remember. I thought it was normal teenaged angst or something, but it’s just getting worse.

    When I was little I was bullied constantly, and eventually decided that if emotions did nothing but hurt me I was better off without them- I managed to detach myself. Now at the age of almost-20 I’m attempting to re-learn emotions, and I’ve come to realise that the negative ones are present in overabundance.

    I’m only vaguely happy when I am outside of my house. I’m always tired (my body likes 12-16 hours of sleep, and then doing little-to-nothing afterwards). I eat little while inside my house and only a tiny bit more than that while outside of it. I can’t bring myself to do anything, everything I say I’ll do falls through; down to my personal writing. The only thing that helps me sometimes.

    I began going to a psychologist January 2011, and he’s helped me a lot, but it’s a distance to go.

    Anyways, I just wanted to say that this list was very helpful. My family does not have much tact and likes to ‘help’ by way of hurting me more. I’m trying to put up hints of what they need to change around the house, and I wanted to start on their way of talking. It’s what keeps me from improving, their inability to listen or speak without hurting me.

    An hour of honesty with a psychologist every 2 weeks does not a sane woman make.

    Anyways! I kind of wanted to ask for advice, though I’m unsure as to how much it will help.

    My brother is newly 13, and he’s been severely depressed (from what he’s told me and what I’ve seen) for at least a third of his life, and my parents haven’t begun to notice until this past year when he was nearly taken from CPS (he went to the school counselor to talk about it and she overreacted). What can I do, as merely a sibling without any real power to get him professional help, to help him?

    Thank you for your time- it really does help to see that others understand. It’s empowering to know that I’m not alone.


    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tsuki

      Thanks for sharing your experience, and I hope your family can come to read this blog post too and learn how to communicate with you. It’s ironic, for when we are depressed we can’t really tell them what we want, and so there is a rift of communication between those who can empathize and those who can’t. So I hope the situation improves for you. Feel free to rant if you need to here, or via email to me.

      As for your brother, I’m glad he’s going to a psychologist. I think that’s the best thing for him. As a sibling, I think being there to listen to him is the best. I can’t say for everyone, but the friends who helped me were those who didn’t ask “are you ok?” but just dragged me out for a walk or something. Or just kept me company at home. Maybe this is what your brother needs, to know he is not alone. Is there some support group around your area for teenages as well?

      Sorry I can’t give more professional advice. What I can only do is my personal experience

      In any case, you are right, you are not alone!

      Noch Noch

      • Tsukiko says:

        We don’t have support groups like that close by, and my brother has kind of given up on professional help since the CPS incident. He can’t trust anyone anymore, since the last person he tried to trust with this gave him a traumatising experience by way of taking him from the family.

        I try to just be there, or I drag him out of the house to go somewhere, because I know that helps me- thanks for the advice. :)


        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Tsuki

          Sorry to hear about that :(
          Yes I think being there for him is most important, for him to know that he’s not alone or forsaken. Try some online support groups like Blurt it Out, Look Ok Feeling Crap, Black Dog Tribe…

          Noch Noch

  45. Tsukiko says:

    By CPS** is what I meant.

  46. […] could not control my sobbing or hatred for the world. It was irrational, I know. My friends told me to get a grip and pull myself up. My parents and seniors told me I was committing a fatal mistake by quitting my […]

  47. […] This falls on the list of “Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Person”, as supplied herein by @nochnoch who blogs about her own ongoing struggles with DEPRESSION at NochNoch: be me. be natural. […]

  48. Christina says:

    The worst for me is when someone says, you don’t have depression. You just need to get away from what makes you upset or sad. The thought of getting away from something I hate sounds great but that doesn’t mean the depression will go away just like that. When your depressed, you can’t just change your mind into being happy. I’ve tried it and it didn’t work until I got some help.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Christina

      Spot on! And sometimes, at least for me, I didn’t even know what was making me upset or sad!! We have to work on our thoughts and emotions consciously to come out of it!

      Noch Noch

  49. Christina says:

    Yes we do. You have taught me about consciously thinking and subconsciously thinking. I agree that if we change our thinking to consciously thinking that it will help a depressed person to get better.

  50. Robyn says:

    The one that pushes my buttons the most (although they are all spot on) is “Snap out of it”. I was in the hospital this April with lithium poisoning for 11 days. First or second night there I just started a crying bout (not uncommon) (this was a general hosp not a psych hosp) and the nurse got all snippy and told me to snap out of it shes a 60 year old grandmother and came home one day and found her son dead. She proceded to tell me to watch someone elses joy on TV if I had none of my own and I had no reason to be crying. Needless to say I requested to not have that nurse care for me any further. (I was Baker acted (state of FL) but had to stay in regular hospital for hemodialysis and other tests). Thank you for sharing everyone.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Robyn

      Sorry to hear about the bad experience but good to know you are better. And good on you for standing up for yourself. I can understand where this 60 year old grandma is coming from – she has seen it all!
      but for us going through it, a little empathy would help
      Hope you are on a good path and any time you need some comfort, come here! :)

      Noch Noch

    • Davey says:

      Sorry to hear about your bad experience.

      I too suffer from depression. Lately it has been particularly bad. I mentioned it to a friend via a text message and she replied saying “You are such a weak man, sort it out!”

    • Miguel says:

      I totally agree on those 10 things she says, and I totally feel the same way too and how I think of everything…. YOu know what, FUCK EVERYTHING…………

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Miguel
        Many of us feel the same and no one really understands unless we tell them either. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone….
        Please write anytime you need to

    • Linda says:

      Thank you everyone, for not making me feel so alone and outcasted, I too have heard it all for so long and I’m sick of it. Peolpe who do not have this problem, really don’t get it no matter how hard we try to explain to them.

  51. Samantha says:

    I found this helpful. But what am I supposed to say if I can’t say any of this? Should I remain quiet in a situation where a friend is seeking sympathy?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Samantha

      I think it greatly depends on the situation – have you asked your friend what he/she would prefer? Timmie, and my best friend asked me, and I said, “just stay with me” or “leave me alone” etc. They would just remain quiet and sit in the room with me (or come check in on me every now and then in case I do something drastic). But sometimes I just wanted to talk and they would listen, without judging, without any advice, they just listened. And that helped me a lot. Timmie also dragged me out for walks and literally dressed me and put shoes on me, and that made me feel better too. Other times, I told them to talk about random things, and they just told me about TV shows they had seen, or things they had done that day….

      So unfortunately, there is no set formula for what to do/say to your friend, but if you ask him/her, I think they would tell you what’s best. Sometimes, all we want, I think, is for someone to try to see things from our irrational standpoint and not think we are crazy…

      Hope that helps…
      Noch Noch

      • Thanks for posting this, I'm ashamed to say at many times I have said some of these things when my mom i says:

        Thanks for posting this, I’m ashamed to say at many times I have said some of these things when my mom is depressed, I guess it’s hard to understand it from my point of view. But that’s no excuse. Sometimes it’s hard to respond well and it’s easy to forget that it’s the depression talking. Sometimes my mother would personally attack me for no reason. But I need to be more considerate and not try to lecture her about it, or treat her depression as a problem.

        I do my best to help her out as much as I can, but reading this has shown me a few things I need to improve upon…

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Ryan

          Thanks for sharing this. Yes I think it is hard for those who are not going through the challenge to understand. I think we also have a responsibility to communicate and let others know how we feel to facilitate understanding
          I hope your mother’s situation will improve as well. Thank you for taking care of her

          Noch Noch

        • Glass says:

          Hey there,

          I suffered from depression for years, and as someone who’s pulled out of it, I have to say, it’s still there. Under the right circumstances, or the wrong situation, I will plummet backward.
          I understand that understanding depression is hard. It gets frustrating, it sometimes is just too much. The human condition is not meant to be attracted to negativity. But have you ever asked your mom, “Why?” NOT “WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED?!” but calmly, with an open mind, and an open heart, “What makes you feel this way?” or “What thoughts cause you to feel more depressed?” So many people think these are questions that only psychiatrists or ‘professionals’ can ask, but people, especially parents can be really shocked when their own children ask them straight forward. If they say they don’t know, ask them to try to learn that. If not for you, but for themselves. It helps to give people with depression a wide berth and respect the space they are coming from, but pressure too fast or too soon, tends to make them bottle up or retreat inwardly.
          Also have you ever thought to sit down with your mom when she’s upset, in a time when you want to be anywhere else. This kind of self-sacrifice is very risky for your own well being, not by any physical means, but mentally and spiritually (as in your actual energy, not your beliefs or what have you.)If you are just there, not just saying “I’m there for you if you need me.” because people with depression need other people. period. Whether they want it or not. Human interaction scientifically speaking, causes the endorphins and ‘happy chemical reactions’ to occur in the body.
          Look into Somatic Psychology to learn more about that.
          Just remember whoever you know who has depression, friend, lover, family, adult, or child. They just want to be loved, but may not know where to go.

          (Please keep in mind that this post is based on personal experience and practice with helping children of depression, and in no way shape or form reflects proven theory.)

          • nochnoch says:

            Hi Glass

            I agree – that’s what my psychologist asked me: why do you feel this way? what emotions? what were you thinking when you felt like this. Slowly the self reflections made me more self aware and know myself better. That’s waht Timmie did for me too, just sat down and gave me a hug even though he was busy and wanted to go out with his friends. The invisible support works very well. Thanks for sharing

            Noch Noch

          • ray says:

            what do i do if my depression cause me to want to hurt others or myself for just being around me

      • Audrey Burke says:

        I agree that to just have someone whom you can talk to about what is rattling around in your head without the questions or all the “positive” incite is definitely number in helping someone. I have been bi-polar and on meds for 15 yrs approx. Still get up and down days.

        I have had to learn how to keep me going without sliding downhill. It is not easy considering that your life is always in constant change. People really do try to understand but it is hard if they themselves have never experienced depression. So at the same time we have to learn to give some slack or at least not to take it so personal.

        Accept the fact that some days you do not feel like even moving and have a lazy day or two. Then kick yourself in the butt and at least start moving again. Sometimes I have to stop and go through what has been running in my mind. Fix what is doable and throw the rest out. It is not easy but very necessary.

        Each person is an individual. What works for one may not necessarily work for another. Take care :)

  52. Amy says:

    I wish more people understood depression. Whenever i try to talk about my feelings…people just tell me that everyone has problems blah blah balh…but why should i care about other peoples problems whent THEY don’t care? …I have a chemical imbalance too, it causes so much pian. It feels like no-one understands. I saw this and now i feel liek theres someone who truly understands what it feels like. I harm myself and i know its a bit random to say, but people tell me i shouldnt do it, they make me feel unreasonably guilty, all i feel is guilty and i wanna kill myself, but can’t bring myself to doing it.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Amy

      Thanks for both your comments on the page. I am glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings too and thank you for sharing it on Facebook. I think we need to facilitate more understanding between ourselves and those who do not understand the illness. It’s hard on others too because it’s so unlike anyone’s experience. I hope you feel less unhappy though and somehow walk through this tunnel like I am doing. There are bad days and there are some not so bad days… Feel free to write to me any time

      Noch Noch

      • Amy says:

        Thankyou so much! :) I agree, its pretty hard for those who don’t have it or understand, but i’ve had a few people reply to me on facebook sayin i don’t have anything wrong with me and that i should and shouldnt do this and that and i kept saying that they arent proffessionals and they don’t know me very well if they think i’m lying about my mental illness :(

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Amy
          for me, I had to alienate myself from some of these people who did not understand because the criticism got too much for me to handle. I tried to explain but decided I should spend the energy to get better instead. I don’t need them to understand, I just need to be me, be myself, and don’t let myself victimize myself but try toget better, in my own time, in my own way. And that’s most important I think. I hope you will get better too in your own time!
          Noch Noch

  53. Amy says:

    I react completely the same way as you do. I even posted these steps on facebook, because there are some people who just think i CAN help how i feel, like i want to be miserable and lonely or something. So i posted this on there, also said about how people with the same problem might react and how i would react and how the poster (you) react. And its gotten likes, i think we’re finally getting through to some people here. By the way, im so greatful you posted this, i really am.

  54. Amy says:

    I don’t know if you’ve been on recently and checked these. You probably think i’m annoying…

  55. davina says:

    Everything you said is the truth. People look at mental illness as a weakness or “everybody goes through something”. I didn’t know anything about anxiety or depression until I start dealing with it. Trust me, what we deal with it is not a choice. I would love to be happy but I’m not. I would love to be positive but I’m not. Saying be positive or snap out of it will make it better. It makes the situation worse. Unfortunately, people are uneducated and ignorant to know or understand mental illness. Then wonder why people are killing themselves.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Davina

      You put it succinctly. But also like you, I had no idea what it was about until I experience anxiety and depression myself. I hope I can channel this experience to more people and explain to them what it is, and to bridge the gap between those who know and those who wonder why we are “weird”. I cannot solve everyone’s mental health problems, but at least I could raise some awareness and help facilitate communication. I hope at least!

      How are you dealing with your depression and anxiety, if you don’t mind sharing?

      Noch NOch

      • davina says:

        Hi. I’m still dealing with depression and I have been battling it since I was 18. I was very naive about depression and mental illness. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way and it was during my first year of college. A time when I should having fun and making friends but I had to deal with depression. Before depression, I was dealing with panic attacks. I was scared when it start happening to me because I felt I was having a heart attack or going to die. I went to see my doctor and she recommended me to go to therapy because she didn’t want me on medication at a young age. I thought I didn’t need therapy because I thought I was fine but my mom made me go so I went. I was able to open up about my past, dealing with insecurities, my father and his drug abuse, emotional abuse as a kid.

        Even though I was going to therapy, I still had to deal with anxiety while going to college and that affected my school work and grade. I had to drop one of my classes because of my anxiety. I was angry and stressed out about it. Then my mood began to change. I stopped hanging with my friends, stayed at home, moody, angry, lonely. So many emotions I didn’t understand. Granted I did try snapping out of my depression but only made my situation worse. My mom was the main person I could talk to because I am close with my mom but she doesn’t know or understand what it’s like to deal with depression at a young age. Some of the lists you wrote down I can relate to because I want to think positive but I can’t. I’ve tried so much to cope with my depression but somehow I find myself back into this dark hole I’m in. I try opening up to people but I feel misunderstood or judged because I shouldn’t feel this way. The thing is, it’s my reality. I want to be happy and live a normal life but I don’t know anymore. I can cope with my anxiety but depression is a battle I have to face everyday. I ask myself, “how did this happen” or “why me?” I have thoughts of suicide and tried cutting myself to take my anger out on something. I do try to hang in there but it’s not easy.

        Sorry for the long rant but I had to get it out. I’m starting to check your blog and I love it already. It’s great to find a blog that talks about mental illness and wanting to help others cope. I’m glad that I found you.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Davina

          Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It has inspired me and I am sure also those who come to my blog. Thank you for being opened with your experience. I am sad to hear of the history though but at the same time encouraged because you have hung on this far to battle it and address the issue. We all have different background and triggers for our depression and I know all of us want to get better and not indulge in it. It is not fun. It took me a long time and I still relapse and debate with myself why I should stay alive. I am not sure. But I am alive today so I hope I can help others with my writing, if only to help myself think and get through this rut. We are all support for each other and I am glad you found me and I found you. Let’s hang on together

          Noch Noch

  56. Amy says:

    I had to spend the last of my school years at home, i became so afraid of school and did homeschooling instead after being so scared to leave the house or go school. I started keeping myself in the house at 15 and only now have i started going for walks and getting a lil fresh air and even going shopping with my mum and her special driver who is really funny. But for 2 years i spent confined in the house i refused to go anywhere, apart from going doctors and going to the dentist. Other than that i never left the house. I became paranoid, tired, dizzy, boiling hot and angry at the world. I’m still like that now, but i try and face my anxiety and go out more. It’s really hard not getting a panic attack, before i’d just run away from the situation and never go back. But now i’m staying there even when it becomes too overwhelming and it feels that people are staring at me and boring holes into me. Anxiety and depression, plus ocd arent things that we control unless we get help and it’s hard when you find it difficult to trust someone, cause you feel like the whole world is against you and that everything you do you’ll fail and you’ll only get dissappointed. But worrying about that doesnt get us very far. I’m on citalopram right now and they’re the best kind of anti-depressant i’ve been on, i’ve taken 5 different types now. And they’ve worked to control me better, as in…make the feelings a little less overwhelming, but still it’s the anxiety thats never getting better, my depression is only being suppressed but not by alot, just a little more copable. When i wasn’t on any meds i was so out of control i’d throw things, swear at people, cry all day and night and i wouldn’t eat anything.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Amy

      I get you. I do. W learn to live with the depression and anxiety eventually. I have learnt to manage it better slowly by experience too


    • MK says:

      Amy – I SO know how you feel. I never want to leave home. The only time I ever want to leave is if it is with my husband, who, fortunately has done research on depression, and is starting to learn what helps me and what doesn’t (in terms of words and actions). To compound my recently diagnosed anxiety (I’ve suffered from depression as well for about 15 years), I just started a new job in September of this year. When I was in training, it wasn’t so bad, but now that I’m almost out of training the depression and anxiety have come out like never before. I am scheduled for shifts that run 3pm til midght

      • MK says:

        ( got cut off on reply, this is a continuation). Anyway, I had such a bad panic attack from thinking about driving home ( a 40 minute drive in excellent conditions) that I gave myself a mega migraine that lasted for almost 3 days, so I missed my first midnight shifts. Luckily, this week, my manager is in town, and I took her aside, explained my anxiety and depression, and asked if I could work my late shifts from home. She gave me a big hug, almost started crying herself, and said “of course you can…I know exactly what you’re going through because I’m going through it myself. This was yesterday, and from the moment she gave me that hug, yesterday was the BEST day I’ve had in about 4 months. Of course today went back to being terrible, but the fact that she accommodated my fear of being out so late alone, I was my old self again for the rest of the day. Now I have anxieties about other things that I know shouldn’t make me anxious, but do anyway, but I just wanted to tell that story because it meant so much to me that my boss understood what I was asking of her and why. PS – I don’t know what you take for your anxiety, but Klonopin works REALLY well. It’s just that when you first start on it you feel like a drunk walking into walls, but once your body adjusts, it does do a descent job with certain anxieties. I hope you feel better. I hope we ALL feel better….

        • Amy says:

          Thank you so much! I just saw this one was a continuation! Sorry if i replied to late, hope you had a nice christmas and have a great new year! It’s good to hear your boss was understanding and was going through the same thing as you, which is a bonus but not a good thing cause of the suffering. Hmm I’ll ask about those ones, never had them before! Thanks! Well part from anxiety, extreme depression, paranoia, ocd and hallucinations i have extreme anger. They say the bad things happen to the best of us, but I’ma horrible person, I was such a mean child…I never hurt people, but I pushed people away and snapped at them…so bitter and repulsive…even my own brother hates my guts and when he does nice things which I’m greatful for, it doesn’t change how much I hate him…I was born with a chemical imbalance in my brain, apparently I was the loudest baby in the hospital when I was born, I cried constantly and I’m clingy…It’s good to hear from you and Noch Noch, you’re both really nice and seem so understanding and it’s so sad to hear what you have been through.

        • Amy says:

          And yes, anxiety seems to cause us to feel so anxious and panicky about things that aren’t dangerous or panic provoking, but it provokes us and we become panicking wrecks…life is weird and wonderful and awful too! :(

      • Amy says:

        Thank you for this reply! It’s good to know we aren’t the only ones, not good you have to suffer too. :( I’ve had depression, anegr and anxiety since the age of 4…I don’t really have any friends. :( But I think it’s my temper that pushes them away, I get snappy with everyone…even my family hate being around me. I do research too, did it help any at all, the research your husband did? :’)

  57. Ana says:

    Thank you SO SO SO MUCH for compiling this list. If I had a quarter for every time someone close to me said one of these very unhelpful things…..

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Ana

      Haha then we would both be quite rich now! Ahah, but yes many people don’t understand us. I used to cringe all the time I hear it. Now when I hear similar statements, I say to myself, “never mind, they don’t understand and I can’t expect them to if they hadn’t gone through it themselves.” then I feel better :)

      Noch Noch

  58. Mike says:

    I’ve gone through some bad times at work in the last few years with a bully boss and coworkers whom I thought were my friends but turned out to be pretty unsupportive. This all left me very depressed. When I tried to talk to people about how my boss was attacking/humiliating me all I ever got was “Hey, just get over it.” Even my wife seemed to quickly tire of my complaining.
    I had been expecting to hear something more along the lines of “You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
    If I were lazy and didn’t care about my work I guess none of this would have gotten to me. But I take a lot of pride in my work so now I feel like I’ve been rejected by my own profession. Really depressing. Now I have to figure out how to just make it through life on my own without any support or value. I’ve started on antidepressants.
    I tried a therapist but he wasn’t very helpful. He didn’t seem interested in listening to me. I was talking and talking, the I looked over at him and he was rocking back and forth in his chair tapping his temple with his eyes closed. Then he kept asking if I could find another job. Not very helpful.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Mike

      Sorry to hear you have had such a bad time and experience. Some people don’t understand what we go through because to them it seems unreasonable and irrational, and yet for us, it’s a reality. I did have to stay away from some people who told me to “get over it” because it hurt even more. MY husband also felt really down from my complaining. But eventually he learnt that it wasn’t me, but the depression that is making me so different.
      Is there any internal support within the company, someone in HR you could talk to about your boss and colleagues? And maybe try to find another therapist you click with?
      Either way, I hope you find the channel that works for you. Feel free to email me any time if you just need to vent. I can’t really “counsel” as I am not a psychologist but I can definitely listen (read) :)
      Noch Noch

  59. StarDragon77 says:

    I think all of this really nails the hammer on the head.

  60. takuya says:

    I think all depressive people heard and still hear this from people who are healthy – and ignorant :(

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Takua

      Good to meet you and thanks for commenting on my blog. Yes unfortunately – so I’m trying to keep spreading this message. Sometimes it’s also up to us to explain to those who don’t suffer from mental illness what it is like. It’s hard for them to understnad. But also needs more education and awareness building.

      Hope you are doing okay – write to me whenever you need someone to listen and not judge :)

      Noch Noch

  61. Jessica says:

    Depressed people are too much trouble for what they are worth. I wish they were removed from the gene pool.

    This is what I think all of the time.

    I am suffering from depression.

    Depression is a weakness? Indeed it is.

    I don’t blame people for saying the above things to depressed people, because their comments make freaking SENSE. Good gosh.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jessica

      Thanks for your opinion and comment here. I beg to differ for reasons on my blog, and how a lot of depressed people are very creative so I hope they don’t get removed from the gene pool. BUt we are all entitled to our perspectives. I just hope you pull through the depression yourself. Take care

      Noch Noch

  62. Ronnie says:

    I have Type II Bipolar, but the depressive episodes are still crushing.

    I used to like this guy, and he said, “You have no reason to be depressed. You have friends who love you, and you’re so smart and talented.”

    It sounds like one of the things said above, about not being grateful for what I have. He used to have depression himself, so I don’t know why he said that, but it still hurt. It just sounded ignorant.

    My mother would scream at me, “of course you’re depressed all the time! All you ever do is make art nobody really likes and listen to NPR all day.”

    What I do, personally, is exercise to ease the depression. I also like to hang around funny, patient people who DO care. Free-writing and art also help me. Being around cats also calms me down. It may not be for everyone, but I thought I’d share.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Ronnie

      Thanks for sharing, and thanks for doing your art and writing. Being around dogs calm me down :)
      Sorry to hear you have people around you who don’t understand you. Please surround yourself with things you like and I am sure you can make something out of what you are doing to show all these other people who don’t believe in you that you are unique in your own way. I surround myself with bears ( hahaha. people think i am nuts. i think it will one day go somewhere. i just need to decide where

      I can’t say I understand all your art, but I like it. especially the cupcakes.

      Please take care.

      Noch Noch

    • Daliah says:

      Hi Ronnie – yes it’s very difficult to face depression and even worse when you finally let people know and they react like your mother did. People – mostly – don’t want to deal with the reality of life – that includes not only depression, but job loss, grief over the death of a loved one and so on. So instead they say things like “don’t worry, you have nothing to worry about” or “you’re good looking or you have more than most people”. It’s their way of not examining life to closely, if they really thought about your feelings they might have to face their own feelings of being inadequate or unhappy. For most people it’s easier to just ignore the source and to just pretend that depression and bad luck just happens to other people but never to them or to any of their friends or family. So turn to yourself and be proud of who you are and how far you’ve come in your life. And you’re doing a great thing being around cats or any other animal or nature. Those are the places where you can find true peace if you let it happen.

      • nochnoch says:

        HI Daliah

        Good point – turn to ourselves and find strength from within :)

        By the way, if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme

        Take care

  63. Luce says:

    I had this friend online that I had never met. He lives far away in another country. He is depressed, as far as I have known him. Sadly, nobody in his family knows it. I always wanted to cheer him up or something, but I feel powerless being so very far and not present physically. Long story, we don’t talk anymore.. And tbh I have said most of what you’ve listed up there. I did know that those talking don’t help, but I was so hopeless. Now I realize it fully, that I’ve said many things wrong. I hope he is getting better and keeps taking his medication..

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Luce

      Thanks for sharing. I hope he is getting better too. At some point, those in depression do have to help themselves, but when we are very fragile and weak, it is hard to pick ourselves up. There is a line between self-victimization (which is not what I condone) and being mentally sick. I hoep those who are ill can find a way out

      Noch Noch

  64. tere says:

    You forgot the worst one of ALL. I hate when my mom tries to tell me how I feel. I try to explain why i am depressed, or why shes seeing me crying. But then she turns the situation around by trying to tell me how i really feel, or make how im feeling not a big deal.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tere

      Oh dear – I’ve had that before, the self-righteous all knowing person who thinks they know it all…. Sorry to hear that its from your mother. Is there someone else, like a psychologist you can talk to instead?
      Thanks for adding to the list

      Noch Noch

      • tere says:

        I dont think my mom means to hurt me, i think shes just afraid to think that i really might be in pain, you know? But no, i cant afford a psychologist right now. I do have an online friend that has similar issues and he is really great to talk too. I’m very grateful to have him!

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Tere

          Great to know you have an online friend. There are some online communities and free counselling on websites as Time to Change, Blurt it Out, Blackdog Tribe, Look ok…Feeling Crap, To Write Love on Her ARms. You might want to give them a try?

          Noch Noch

  65. jenn says:

    I love this post. I’ve dealt with depression most of my life and am just now, like literally just now realizing/accepting it, even though I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression by multiple doctors. I ended up here after starting to google “how does it feel to not be depressed?” because I had the thought “what if its true that some people just don’t have to try so hard?” Being depressed causes me such overwhelming guilt because if and when I do open up about it I get the standard “everyone feels sad sometimes, just be grateful for what you have”. For years I’ve just assumed I was either just selfish or weak, even when doctors and my family reminded me over and over that I had a disease. It was like I couldnt get it thru my head that those people who have it together might just not suffer from clinical depression. My self loathing is at an all time high. Recently I’ve decided to really give meds a try and after a month of insomnia and lack of appetite while taking effexor, I’m now trying prozac. I’m really sensitive to medications, if there are rare side effects then I will feel them. I used to self medicate with alcohol but I’m over two years sober now. I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life because I didn’t accept it as a real affliction. I’ve just been in this dark cloud for years, just surviving. I want to have a fulfilling life. I still have some hope but I’m getting so tired.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jenn

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts – and it’s encouraging to hear that despite all that dark times you still have hope. Sometimes I feel tired too and I feel the same guilt of thinking I was selfish or weak. But once I treated it as a sickness and confronted it, I feel more empowered to deal with these relapse of moods. I now know the difference between depression as a sickness (the prolonged symptoms you mentioned) and simply feeling depressed or deflated. The danger is sliding back down from the depressed mood into depression. I hope the meds help you, but from my experience, a combination of retraining our thinking is what is sustainable in the long run, and to be able to challenge our negative thoughts

      Write to me whenever you need to vent. You will have a fulfilling life. Depression will build you

      Noch Noch

  66. Aoife Brown says:

    Thank you for sharing these. I know a huge number of people who suffer from depression (including me) and one of the worst things I’ve found about the comments you’ve listed above is that they not only don’t help, and push people deeper, but that most depression sufferers then berate themselves for reacting so badly to simple comments that were only meant to help. Putting them up here like this means not only that people can know what not to say, but that people who are upset by these kind of things can realise that they’re not actually being unreasonable and that other people are upset by them too. Knowing that there are other people out there who feel the same can be a huge help at times!

    I’ve seen some people asking on the comments how they *should* react to people with depression, and I’ve written a bit myself on the subject, so I’m hoping you don’t mind me putting a link up here:

    I think you gave the most useful piece of advice in your story about your friend Timmie, though. If you don’t know what you can do to help someone… ask them!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Aoife

      I like your webpage too and the link you sent. Thanks for sharing – I certainly don’t mind. Anything that helps anyone is great. We don’t know who would resonate with what. It’s true, I sometimes got angry at myself for feeling bad when other people just wanted to help. It’s about how we relate to each other. Sounds like you had a tough time too but encouraging to know that you suffer but you also try to get through it.

      Noch Noch

  67. depressed male teen.. says:

    hey, im a 16 yr old male and am defiantly suffering but not diagnosed and have never been to a therapist nor have people recognised my depression, but this is only because i have become an expert at hiding my feelings, all of them besides fear..just the word makes me depressed, when i was younger i had been traumatised and also bullied alot in primary and highschool but worse in primary and early highschool, anxiety fills me constantly, being in a school with everyone judging you at first glance, ticking off the norms in their shitty society, making sure im not different or have anything showing weakness to do with me, FUCKIT LETS JUST CUT IT SHORT- THE WORLD IS A HIERARCHY AND BEING DEPRESSED IS THE EFFECT OF BEING NICE TO PEOPLE AND TRUSTING PEOPLE, AND THIS WILL NEVER END NOT UNTIL MAN KILLS ALL MAN, UNTIL THERE IS NO MORE TESTOSTERONE, UNTIL THERE’S NO MORE COMPETITION, THIS IS NOT HOW I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE WORLD BUT IT IS REALITY, AND THERE’S NOTHING A FUCKING 16YR OLD KID WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIS LIFE CAN DO!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi depressed male teen

      I am sorry to hear of your frustrations. Do you have some school counselor you could see? I can feel your hurt by being betrayed and bullied, but there can be a different life from what you experienced. And actually, you can make a difference – you can talk about it, share it with others, and change bullying situations, and champion it for others and create a refuge for others. Turn the bitterness into positive energy. USe your anger. I am not an expert in these issues but googling it just now I found lots of support websites. Maybe you can try those too. You are not alone. and please try to see a therapist for proper diagnosis – misdiagnosis could make things worse

      NOch Noch

  68. Karen says:

    How about the one I heard tonight – ‘just remember the glass is half full’. What’s that supposed to mean? I am feeling very depressed at the moment and just wish life would end. I still get up, look normal, smile and function. But my mind and emotions are in chaos. How does this person think his comment helps. I am so ashamed of my depression and my thoughts….nothing helps except knowing other depressed people feel the same as me. Thank you for this site.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Karen

      I am glad this site has given you some encouragement. I am not sure what the commentator was thinking either. People always ask us to look on the bright side of things. I think we all want to, but the illness envelops us and we can’t help but think life has no purpose. Yet it is also hard for those around us to relate to how we feel. I guess we have to explain and communicate, but whilst you are weak and feeling depressed and confused, come find solace with the others who feel the same. We understand, and we won’t judge

      Noch Noch

      • Karen says:

        For the last few weeks I have been planning my death. This week was going to be the time as both my therapist and key worker were away. I received my prescription today and I planned to take it. My key worker was back and I chose to see her. A last minute decision as I felt I should give life one more chance. I found myself telling her everything. She was so kind. I told her how I felt a failure. I had no hope. I told her I loved my husband and my boys, but that I couldn’t go on. After pouring my heart out we agreed that I would go home and talk to my husband. I sat in my car for an hour, looking at the prescription sitting on the chair by me. I had to choose. I chose to go home. Slowly I told my husband everything. We are going back to see my key worker tomorrow. I think I will ask to be admitted to the mental health acute ward. I am so scared. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. I just want peace. I don’t know if I am a coward or courageous. I feel a failure and only feel ashamed for wanting to take my pills. I feel like a criminal. How can I ever recover – should I have taken the pills. A big part of me says I have just delayed the inevitable. I just don’t want to hurt people. I just want peace. I am sorry I have not been as brave as you. I just wanted peace and all I cn do is cry.

  69. Adriana says:

    “It’s all in your head” always gets to me. It makes me feel like i’m crazy or something.

    90% of my day is spent in just trying not to sit down in a corner and cry. I’m in college now so it’s even harder because I left high school because being around people made me feel worst than i already did and having teachers look at me when i missed class and homework assignments just made me not want to go anymore. And, like Tere said in one of the earlier comments, some even went as far as sitting me down to tell me how i should feel in class.

    Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know it’s not just me who thinks this way and feels like this.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Adriana

      Sorry to hear of your troubles and how others treat you. Yes you are right, you can find solace here, we all feel and think the same. OThers do not understand but that is not our fault. We can try to make them understand though
      Hope you find your way

      Write to me any time you need to talk

      Noch Noch

  70. Ashleigh says:

    i think this is great. everybody suffers from depression at one point or another, but alot of cases are very serious, my own included. people dont understand that depression is a real sickness, you cant control it anymore than you can control the weather, especially if you dont have the right resources. there definately needs to be more understanding, and what you have written is very well put. very real

  71. Izzi says:

    These points are so true!! Thank you.
    I have had all of them said to me in my life and it has NEVER helped me. It actually makes me feel worse. Its nice to know that someone else thinks similar things when it happens because I usually feel like I’m such a bad person as I know that they are just trying to help me.
    I also get….”cheer up” and get told to “smile” all the time. But do they really think I would be depressed if I could help it?! I don’t want to smile as there is nothing for me to smile about, and I can’t just “cheer up” at the snap of a finger.
    What would you say is better…pretending to be happy and positive/hiding your pain and sadness and committing suicide because nobody knows so therefore can’t help you, or showing your true feelings so that they can see your pain and having the potential to get some help before trying to commit suicide?? For me and hopefully many others, its the latter because we don’t want to die, but we can’t live like this anymore.
    Izzi xx

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Izzi

      Nice to meet you. I know what you mean about the “cheer up”
      I have been in a bit of a rut lately and I feel bad even just telling my friends I’m back down again, I feel tired of it and to repeat the same story lest they would tell me to “get a grip”
      But you are right, we don’t want to die. We just need some support and encouragement so we can help ourselves, without feeling guilty about our sickness

      Thank you for sharing and glad we found each other

      Noch Noch

  72. Emelie says:

    The worst for me was when my brother came home and asked me why I wasn’t in school even though he knew why, fueling My guilt so much more. I had school because I was only 14 at that time and my mother always had to call me in sick and had problems of her own at that time. Guilt was something I always felt around that time and I had to escape somewhere, which always was fantasy books. Anyway, my brothers simple question always pained me more than anything else.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Emelie

      I can imagine :(
      But I guess at that young age, perhaps you and your brothers didn’t understand what was going on and your brothers’ questions may have come due to lack of understanding at what you were going through. Sounds like you had a tough time but I’m happy to hear you share your experience and hope things are looking up for you. I still feel guilty too but I’m trying to control those thoughts.

      Please look out for my new post these few days, I am compiling some stories from readers and would love your experience on how bridging communication gaps could help those in depression


  73. maree says:

    I never got so angry at my flatmate when hearing the words, “smile” all day long and seeing her gesturing smile at her smile all the time.
    Some other words that she says through out the day is
    Be happy, how you feeling, are you ok, give me a hug, laugh, you know you can laugh. (while poking at me).

    That was the point i flipped and said stop it

    I know that she is worried about me but sometimes it tooooo extreme.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Maree

      I hear you! They all try to help. I have a friend who used to hang out with me a lot and she always say, “don’t think like that, you are very lucky already!” and it made me flip and eventually I drifted away from her… But maybe also your roomate doesn’t understand what you need and require as support, and perhaps because we don’t know how to communicate it with her.

      If you are opened to sharing your experience, I am compiling an ebook and would love to hear your story too. If you are interested, check out my latest blog post with all the details…

      Thanks in advance
      Noch Noch

  74. StarDragon77 says:

    Recently I had posted my thoughts about suicide on a depression forum and someone sent me this private message.

    “I wanted to let you know exactly how I feel so I’m PMing you so I can be open and honest about it. Feel free to report it if you don’t like what I have to say. I couldn’t care less. I’m not going to coddle you no matter what the cost.

    Yes, I do see it as childish. You’re like the little kid who threatens to hold his breath till his face turns blue if he doesn’t get his way.

    You say you’ve looked for other areas of employment but I think you’re lying and don’t want to admit to it. I didn’t have the luxury of going to college and getting a degree. I started working at the age of 17 and worked all my life, at jobs you evidently think you’re too good for. So rather than take one you’re still living at home with your mommy whining about how you can’t find your place in life. Make one for yourself instead of crying about it, pussy. Be a man for once in your life.

    However, I can see how your atheistic views would cheapen life for you. I mean if this is all there is why not just go to sleep and stop torturing yourself? No big deal, just oblivion. You’re life has been a total failure and is never going to be anything but because you’re too much of a pussy to do anything about it.

    Would I miss you? No, why would I? You’re right, you’re nothing special. Do I think the world would be robbed of a potential master early in life? LOL! Those people got a real job and worked to make something of themselves, you’re just a whiner. It’s no wonder you’re writing hasn’t been recognized for anything but what it is. Something to line a litter box with at best most likely.

    Why not write about what a failure in life you’ve been? That would be something from the heart and what it’s been lacking up to this point.”

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi StarDragon

      Hmmm, that’s not very encouraging, but I guess whoever wrote this has his/her points of views and I would not judge whether he is right or wrong. We can make a choice to not listen to him and not let him affect us…

      By the way, if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme

      Take care

      • Mantra9 says:

        WOW! I found this site, finally!!!
        I absolutely love your vibe Noch. (and the other posters’ vibes). “Depression” is not defined as “lunitic”. Although I am sure most here have felt treated that way.
        To StarDragon – Sorry Noch – I can’t go with the ‘point of view’ thing’. I understand why and where you are coming, but really, we have all encountered that type of human no matter what problems are happening. I love that StarDragon posted that because it is so not the norm of anyone but soooo out there for us all to endure. Those types actually let me exhale a bit. It’s the people I thought appreciated me, talked to me for advice about thier problems for hours on end, acted like I was an important part of their life that have (i am sure they mean no harm) me feeling worthless. I love to laugh, love helping people, but really feel after the total shunning and betrayal, (although with my depression it doesn’t surprise me that my best friends and family wouldn’t want to be around me) I am just done. As another poster said, ‘I just want peace’. Won’t do anything to myself because of what they would have to endure at no fault of their own. I guess I really just can’t understand the cruellty. – But to StarDragon – that person that wrote that is one that is using up oxegen that other living things could use. Let’s laugh at that – and weep for the rest. So sad:(

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Mantra

          Thanks! I’m happy you like my site :)
          And I respect your opinions and thank you for sharing. I am happy that readers can post their opinions hear, and that there is support from everyone despite different opinions. This is a non jugs mental place

          Thanks also for sharing your experience and thoughts. I hope it gets better for you in your way

          Noch Noch

  75. Annette says:

    I have been trying really hard to help my husband understand that depression is real and that I can’t just “snap out of it”? That seems to be the biggest thing that people like to say.. I did sit down and have a long talk with my husband last night and even had so many tears to fall but I just ended up shutting down and trying to go to bed because I knew that he was not understanding or hearing what I had to say. And of course, I cried myself to sleep. I have been one that has known that there was a “problem” with me and that I needed help and would go to the dr. But I have been told that I should just snap out of it, last night I was told to get a hobby. I stay stressed with everything right now. I just lost my step-dad that I had been caring for for almost 2 years to cancer. I was the one that was going back and forth for treatments daily, trying to still make sure that I worked 40 hours a week and still spend time with 2 children and my husband. I took his death really hard. And then a week to the day that I lose him, my mom is put on life support and I don’t know if I am losing her then also. I have felt lost for a couple of years now and I just can not find my way back. I even said last night that I felt that everyone would be better off without me. And thankfully I don’t mean that I would harm myself, I just want to run away and start over again, alone. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I don’t want to feel like a child. I truly want to be happy but sometimes I just don’t know how. I was even asked last night when I was going to be able to get off the pills and would I be able to get off the pills. Instead of feeling loved, I feel useless and I push away. And when I push away he pushes away. I just want him to understand and not be so judgmental about things. I want to feel loved and have that chance to return the feelings.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Annette

      Have you told him all you wrote about to him before? Or maybe just send him that paragraph you wrote, and in fact, the whole blog post to him? Maybe he has no idea what we are thinking or feeling, and if he doesn’t understand, he might say something which for you, when you hear it, is hurtful and not helpful to your condition.

      I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Vent all you want here, we don’t judge here, for we all have our stories.

      By the way, if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme

      Take care

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Annette

      Have you told him all you wrote about to him before? Or maybe just send him that paragraph you wrote, and in fact, the whole blog post to him? Maybe he has no idea what we are thinking or feeling, and if he doesn’t understand, he might say something which for you, when you hear it, is hurtful and not helpful to your condition.

      I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Vent all you want here, we don’t judge here, for we all have our stories.

      By the way, if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme


  76. Ashley says:

    Hi, my name is Ashley and I’m a 16 year old girl. I have depression, anxiety, mild OCD all of which have been diagnosed only recently, by which I mean like a month ago, although I’ve known that I’ve had them for roughly 5 years. I know what put me in this situation, my step mum! When I was four years old my real mother died of Primary pulmonary hypertension. It’s an increased pressure in the pulmonary arteries, and its cause is unknown. Eventually, your heart may become so weak that it can’t pump enough blood to the lungs. This leads to heart failure. After this time it was my dad and I for four years over which time we bonded greatly. At eight I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease which is like irritable bowel disease but if left untreated or not looked after it can be fatal. Then at nine my dad met my step mum and we moved in with her and her three kids from her previous marriage soon after. When we moved in with with my step mum I walked up to her (not that I remember this) and said ‘Nothing and no one will become between me and my dad and if you hurt him you will regret the day you met me’. Now I’ve always been protective of my father I guess because I was afraid to lose him too, but even i was shocked when my dad told me this. Anyways, The first six months were ok, I was on steroids to control my Crohn’s and was slowly going into remission. After the first six months my step mum started getting abusive, although very slightly to begin with. It started with her making me dust and vacuum the house constantly and if she wasn’t happy with it or she wasn’t happy with me, she would pinch my arm or pull my ear or slap me. If my dad found out, she lied to him saying I was doing the wrong thing. Over the years it became worse. She phsyically, mentally and emotionally abused me. She would throw me down the stairs, hit me, kick me, pull my hair and pull it out at times, cane me, dig her nails into my arm or ear lobe, belt me, strangle me, sometimes if I took to long eating she would push my face into my plate, bash my head into walls etc. One time she even smashed a glass over my head. She was constantly swearing at me and making me feel worthless. When I got into high school I had to catch a bus to school. If I didn’t finish my chores on time she would make me finish them before she let me leave which made me miss the bus all the time so then I had to walk an hour to get to school. She also force fed me chilli, whether it was tabasco sauce or chrushed chilli paste. She knew that with my disease eating chilli would make me sick but she did it anyway. Why didn’t my dad do anything you ask? Simple, he was rarely home. He left at 7:30am and wouldn’t get home until about 6pm. She would never do anything if he was home. Of course I got sick, I felt ill all the time, which meant I couldn’t eat, which in turn meant that I lost weight and got more sick. Meanwhile when my dad asked why wasn’t I eating my food she said I was playing games and even now he still believes that I was playing games. I never told anyone because she basically beat it into me that I couldn’t, although she was careful to never say it straight out. She was always sneaky. From year 7 to Year 9 I was in hospital at least once a year generally for about 6-10 weeks. Thankfully I haven’t been in this year but with my luck I will. My growth became stunted and for 3 years I was 145cm and weighed anywhere from 25-30 kg. Last year I went to hospital at a sickly 27kg at 15 years old! I ended up having to have abdominal surgery. At 14 I ran away from home for the first time and went straight to my grandparents house, my dad came that day and was yelling at me and made me go home. I wasn’t allowed to see my grandparents for 4 months after that. It was horrible, my grandparents were my escape and I didn’t know how I would manage without them, but I did. I was mad at my dad for agreeing to the punishment but then I was already mad at him because he also agreed to the punishments which led to me being grouned. Grounded meant all I could do was do homework and chores. That became my life, I wasn’t allowed to interact with my step siblings or anything so I grew further apart from them. At that time I started self harming, just little things like flicking a rubber band against my wrist and I managed to hide it. It wasn’t a smart thing to do as it just made my suicidal thoughts and plans worse. Soon I realised I had depression and anxiety and started to develop OCD because I was constantly made to redo the chores or whatever else until they were perfect. Later on that year it got to the point where I just counldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t take it. I called DOC’s and reported my step mum and then being scared that she would be home at any minute, I ran to the other side of Bella Vista in my pyjamas to a friends house who then took me to me godparents house in Seven Hills, one street away from my grandparents. I sat and told my god brother everything and then I called Doc’s back. They said that my parents had reported me missing and that I needed to call them. So I called my dad and he was mad but he told me that one of my step brothers had told him what my step mum had been doing to me for that past like 7 years. He let me stay at my grandparents for a month then he came and said I needed to trust him and that it would never happen again and that I had to come home. Trust I thought! HA, ye brilliant dad. I told him I couldn’t but he would shut up so I went with him to keep him happy. That was all I wanted, for him to be happy. That’s the type of person I am, I always put others before myself and ye ok, sometimes it gets me into bad situations but I can’t not do it. So even though I knew I was putting myself back in an unhealthy environment, I did it because I love him and I would do anything to make him happy. The physical abuse stopped but the mental and emotional abuse got worse and I became even more withdrawn than I already was which was almost impossible. I barley talked, I cryed at the smallest criticism and raising of a voice, I never got any positive comments and even when my dad came and sat with me and asked me what was wrong I still said ‘Nothing’. I didn’t want to cause trouble, there were enough arguments between my dad and step mum about me without me adding to it. My siblings started to believe what my step mum said about me and they gave me a hard time. It was hard to handle, I had planned out so many ways to kill myself but couldn’t bear the thought of my siblings finding me dead. This year about 2 weeks before anzac day I called my dad just before going to my second cousins 16th. I explained that I couldn’t live there anymore and that I was so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt him but I just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t happy and the sound of hurt in his voice broke my heart. I was almost in tears. My second cousins came like a minute later and picked me up. I was shaking the rest of the day and couldn’t really enjoy myself although I put a smile on my face because I didn’t want my family to see me upset. And I hate crying infront of people. On anzac day my dad and step mum brought over all my things and I officially moved out. I felt happy because I thought my life would finally turn around (boy was I wrong) and I felt sad and ashamed because I felt like I had ruined my father and hurt him beyond belief. He was upset for quite sometime but around around mid May he seemed to realise how important it was for me to be with my grandparents especially since his dad, my grandfather, was about o have surgery to remove an aggressive cancerous tumour from his nose. He was diagnosed with cancer about a week after a moved in, the first of many bad things to happen. I told my father about his dads cancer but he still wouldn’t talk to his father, not that he had for a few years anyway. My grandfather went through his 14 hour surgery and I refused to leave the hospital until he was out. If he died, I wanted to be there. 10 hours into the surgery, I was exhausted but I still wouldn’t leave. My secong cousins and their mum came and said I had to go home, yet again I refused but my cousins picked me up and hugged me and then literally dragged me out of the hospital. They removed his nose and the cancer. My grandfather pulled through then he went through Chemo and Radiation. The side effects were bad and it got to the point where he couldn’t eat so the doctors put a tube in his stomach so we could feed him through that. For the first three weeks that he was home I set my alarm so that it woke me up every hour. I would wake up and go to my grandfathers room and put my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing. It was hard because I had to go to school as well, but I did what I needed to do. Even now he still can’t eat. My grandmother isn’t well either so I look after both of them and juggle school in the meantime. I have a lot of help from my grandmothers neice (my second cousins um). She does the driving and helps make the appoinments. Throughout this I’m my friends go to person for advice and I listen to their problems because they know they can talk to me and I’m dealing with my own problems. I see my GP who has known me since before my mum died for my depression, anxiety and OCD and he is now organising a psychologist for me as we both know I’m deteriorating. I’m cutting 3-4 times a day instead of my usual 3-4 times a week, I’m trying to commit suicide (obviously unsuccessfully) more than before, I struggle to even get out of the bed in the morning, I’m constantly tired and worn out but that’s been going on for a few years, my dad isn’t there for me like he should be and he definitely doesn’t understand, (We all have our down days, we all have negative thoughts, cutting your wrist is such a stupid thing to do, I’m so disturbed by it, you just have to stop it and think positve, your life is basically perfect you should be happy etc). Now I love my dad and everything but OMFG he frustrates me so much sometimes!!!!!! I’m tempted to take him to my GP so he can talk some sense into my father and get him to understand. I’m becoming more withdrawn even from my friends, my grandparents seem to always irritate me and I can’t see the point in living anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a massive support network and yet I still feel completely alone, everything seems to take too much effort and since I can’t see my psychologist yet, I’m hoping that writing this helps me because otherwise I’m screwed. In the inspirational words of Eminem: I’m just so fucking depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump, if I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump. I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up, but I need that spark to get psyched back up. I’m starting to feel dissing again so I decided just to pick this pen up, and try to make an attempt to vent, I need a new outlet. And I know some shit’s so hard to swallow but I just can’t sit back and wallow, in my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I’ll be one tough act to follow, here today gone tomorrow but you’d have to walk a thousand miles, in my shoes, just to see, what it’s like, to be me, I’ll be you, lets trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like, to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other’s minds, just to see what we’d find, look at shit through each others eyes. But don’t let’em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you.

    P.S. Sorry that this is so long but I needed to get this out.

    • Ashley says:

      Btw, ur points r spot on, i need to show this to my dad.

    • nochnoch says:

      No problem Ashley, write as long as you want. I can feel your anger and frustration. I used to feel exactly the same, although our life stories are different. Going through some of my journal entries I can see the emotions as yours. Vent all you need. As I say to other readers, this is a safe refuge for people to express. I can’t counsel as I’m not a psychologist, but I can listen :)

      By the way, if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme


      • Ashley says:

        Thank you so much for your support. I recently told my father that I was cutting my wrist although I had hinted at it before but he never got it, and he goes (over the phone) “What are u doing to your wrist?! Why are you cutting, That’s such a stupid thing to do, your life is basically perfect, what do you have to be upset about, I’m so disturbed by it”. Yes he really did say he was disturbed by it! He had put me in one of my bad moods for 4-5 days but the day he said it, which was a wednesday, was the worst, I got into the shower, put the cold water on and basically mutilated my wrist (mutilated was the word that one of my closest friends used to describe my wrist the next day). And I cut every day after that until sunday. I understand that it’s gonna be very hard to understand if he can at all, but I just want him to not say things like that because it makes me so much worse.

        I have sat down with him and unfortunately my step mum as well and tried to explain to them that I had depression and was suicidal. They didn’t understand and they kept telling my that ‘I had a roof over my head and food to eat so they didn’t understand why I was depressed. My step mum asked me what caused it and I just said you. She’s like how? I said atfer everything she did to me and now I also have her voice in my head ALL THE TIME and the only way to shut it up is to hurt myself. She still denyed that she did anything to me even though her, my dad and me know what she did. It frustrated me but at that point I really didn’t care I just wanted them to understand and then I wanted to get out of there and back to my grandparents house.

        Well my dad still doesn’t understand but I have my first appointment with my psychologist coming up so hopefully he/she can help me find ways to deal with this.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Ashley

          May I suggest you contact a counselor to talk about this? There are websites such as Blurt it Out, Black Dog Tribe, Look Ok Feeling Crap, Psych Central, Beyond Blue, TIme to Change which offer free counselling service online. It might help you handle the situation. I am wary of saying too much as I am not professionally trained and don’t really know how to help…

          But if you need to vent we are always here

          Noch Noch

  77. Josh says:

    Thank you for posting this. I was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) about six years ago. One of the symptoms is depression. I often get those ‘suggestions’ along with others that are as equally ineffective. I am aware of my depression’s cause enough to know when I need to get away from everyone, but at the same time I cannot stop it from happening all the time. I am on anti-depressants that were prescribed by my doctor, but they are not always a guaranteed ‘fix.’ To read your post about the 10 things was a relief. Again, thank you.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Josh

      I just had a mini relapse in September so I know what you mean that can’t always stop it from happening. It creeps on you sometimes. Just like that…. I’m glad my blog post helped you a little.

      By the way, if have not already seen from the comments… and if you are keen to share your experience in my e-book, may I draw your attention to my post “communication breakdown“? Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme

      Take care
      Noch Noch

      • michele says:

        Hello Noch Noch
        sorry about your relapse….I was just diagnosed..I’ve always been able to go go go..and when I get knocked down…I stumble..and maybe get sad…but then get back in…work got harder and harder and all of a sudden I crashed. I’m just learning about this diagnosis. I can’t believe what I read about it taking so long …and about relapses. It’s quite frightening. Thank you for the list of what not to say. When I get brave enough to share my story I will use your list…or maybe wear a sandwich board or tape it to my head…because I will just !!! if someone says any of those things to me………….
        Thank you for your site.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Michele

          Yes it took me a while to learn more about the illness, and even longer to learn how it is applied to me, relapses and all. I guess it still makes me cringe when someone says those things to me but I react less strongly now. Partly it is because I know now that no one on the outside can understand how it feels unless s/he has been through. It’s not our fault for being sick; likewise it is not their faults they don’t understand. And how can they understand if we don’t communicate how we feel, and hence my motivation for writing the ebook and looking for people to contribute their experience anonymously or with their real names.

          Thank you for supporting my site. Please share with whoever you think needs it

          Noch Noch

  78. Karen says:

    For the last few weeks I have been planning my death. This week was going to be the time as both my therapist and key worker were away. I received my prescription today and I planned to take it.  My key worker was back and I chose to see her. A last minute decision as I felt I should give life one more chance. I found myself telling her everything. She was so kind. I told her how I felt a failure. I had no hope. I told her I loved my husband and my boys, but that I couldn’t go on. After pouring my heart out we agreed that I would go home and talk to my husband. I sat in my car for an hour, looking at the prescription sitting on the chair by me. I had to choose. I chose to go home. Slowly I told my husband everything. We are going back to see my key worker tomorrow. I think I will ask to be admitted to the mental health acute ward. I am so scared. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. I just want peace. I don’t know if I am a coward or courageous. I feel a failure and only feel ashamed for wanting to take my pills. I feel like a criminal. How can I ever recover – should I have taken the pills. A big part of me says I have just delayed the inevitable. I just don’t want to hurt people. I just want peace. I am sorry I have not been as brave as you. I just wanted peace and all I can do is cry.

    • michele says:

      Karen…It was hard to read your story yet I can relate to much of it. You matter and I am glad you are talking to people who care about you and that you are choosing life. You helped me to know that I am not alone. Thank you Karen.

      • Ashley says:

        Karen, your story is amazing. I’m 16 and I’m feeling like you are. If I live or if I die I will still hurt the ones I love and care about. Yesterday afternoon I got home went to my room and cried about me for the first time in a long time. My cousin texted me and got onto the subject of suicide. He reminded me of my promise, my promise to keep living. He told me that I have people that who love me and that my mum wouldn’t want me to give up. I said to him that my mum hung in there for 4 years and I’ve hung in there for 5. I can’t keep going on. He said to me that just cause my mum gave up doesn’t mean you can. I put together some lyrics that mean something or explain how I feel and sent it to him. He said I love you ash and I got up and went to the medicine draw to prepare for my OD then realised that he really did care about me and that I was going to really hurt him.

        I texted him saying that I couldn’t do it, at least not till I see him again. He didn’t answer. My anxiety started to kick in and the first thing I thought was that I’d driven him to suicide. I texted him again and asked him to please let me know that he’s ok. He still didn’t answer and all I could think was that he’s hung himself or something. I was already crying and now was crying even harder. I called him and he took a long time to answer his phone but he answered. He was crying, I never thought anything would make him cry, he’s a tough 18 year old guy. That’s when I realised exactly how much he cared about me.

        I told him I wasn’t going to do it and as I said it I thought, what the hell am I doing? I’m not going to be able to keep living. He calmed down, I was still crying because I wanted to die and even now as I sit here, typing this, I want to die. I have a very close friend of mine who is going through a similar situation coming home with me this afternoon as neither of us can be alone with the state that we’re in.

        I want to die, I don’t see the point in living, I can’t keep doing this day after day, year after year. It’s become too much for me to handle. This afternoon I’m also going to make an appointment to see my psychologist for the first time and I’m hoping I’ll make it to the appointment.

        I have a massive support network and many, many people who love me but I still feel alone and empty and I still want to die, It’s killing me to keep living.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Karen

      I think it’s brave of you to admit all this out in the open and I am glad you decided to live to tell. I cry also. I also feel like giving up at times – still. I go up and I go down. So I am glad you are in good hands and chosen someone to support you to get through this. I was scared too and did not want to live. But now I am better. So you will too. I also was ashamed of taking pills. I am glad your husband is standing beside you. If he needs some support he can also write to Timmie, my husband, through me. Timmie went through a lot too and it wasn’t easy.

      Please cary on

      Noch Noch

  79. Julia says:

    Dear Noch Noch,

    I only want to thank you for sharing all your experience with the world. I won’t go into detail. It is very important for me to support a person I care so much about who suffers from a depression and I still need to learn so much… I never said those words to him but I am afraid that certain actions and words of mine (of course without my intention) might have been misinterpreted and might have hurt him very much or push him away as although I have known him for a few years now he told me about his diagnosis only a month ago…

    Thank you for your blog. You are doing an incredibly great thing.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Julia

      Thank you for the encouragement and I hope you will find a way to help the person you care so much about. It is already good for him/her to have you around and their best interests at heart. Sometimes it might feel that they don’t appreciate you, but the day will come when they will realize how much you have helped there, just by being there, holding their hands and letting them be who they are.
      I used to tell my husband to go away and I always threw tantrums at him, because I couldn’t accept myself….

      Noch Noch

  80. Liz says:

    I am depressed. Probably hit rock bottom recently. It’s unbearable. No energy, no motivation, the heavy head, and mad at the world 24/7- I don’t or havent told anyone.I cant focus on school. All i want to do is sleep. I have an eight year old, I get called lazy by my family or constantly put down. My family would just say its all in my head. I already deal with anxiety attacks and all they say is to blow into a paper bag. My boyfriend I don’t care to tell, he is the exact opposite, handles his stress well, hasn’t really ever had any mental problems, i fear telling him because when I told him about the anxiety it just seemed like when I would get upset about something that happened he would call me crazy or question if I ever been on any meds.. It is almost like he uses it against me, like it doesnt exist. It just sucks. I hate it. I was recently prescribed Fluexotine but I havent started it yet. It is like the world isnt moving fast enough for me. I cant control the thoughts, the feelings of inferiority. The failures..having no purpose in this life..questioning if i am always going to be this miserable. Some times I feel like sending my son to live with his dad and runnning away, far far away. I am SO alone. I have nobody!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi liz

      No need to apologize, this is what the blog is for – for you to express and ramble! We all care about you here. Have you tried talking to a counselor who can give you some professional advice? There are some online sites which have live consultations for free too.
      i hjope you get through this too

      You have us, if everyone fails you
      Noch Noch

  81. Liz says:

    Sorry for rambling! Ran across this blog, love it.

  82. Davey says:

    Sorry to hear about your bad experience.

    I too suffer from depression. Lately it has been particularly bad. I mentioned it to a friend via a text message and she replied saying “You are such a weak man, sort it out!”


    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Davey

      That might be due to people’s ignorance of what depression really is. THere is a line between an illness and self-victimization. Don’t feel bad, we have all had that person who said to us “pull it together.” Here you can find some solace and strength to battle this together

      Noch Noch

  83. Auntie Linda says:

    Thank you. My precious 16 yr old niece has just been diagnosed with severe depression and is an acute care hospital for a few days. From your list I managed to put these statements together so that I know what to say as I live thousands of miles away from her.
    1. I am here for you. If you need/want to talk, I will always listen and will love you in all circumstances.
    2. You have done nothing wrong. I am so grateful that you wrote your coach a letter expressing your feelings.
    3. I am grateful that you want to ‘get better”.
    4. I am so thankful that you are alive. I love you and look forward to… with you.
    5. Sometimes I get confused about my feelings too.
    6. I am glad that you are in a place where you are feeling understood.
    7. If you want to cry together, laugh together, or just sit together and look at the clouds, I am ready to be with you. I enjoy being with you and listening to you.
    8. Did anything or anyone cause you to smile or laugh today?
    9. How is your day going?

    Thanks for the list!
    Hoping to get this right to support my niece!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Auntie Linda

      Thanks – that’s a great list and made me cry. I think that would help your niece a lot. I think where we are in our irrational thoughts, it’s important just to have someone there to listen and accept our thinking, without telling us we are wrong, and when we slowly get better and have more mental strenght, thats when we can hear suggestions on what to do

      Thanks for being there for your niece. I hope she makes it, and we will be rooting for her!

      Noch Noch

    • Mike says:

      That was a great list. I wish I could have heard some of that while I was severely depressed. Thanks for the post.

    • BB says:

      That’s a great list, Linda. Your niece is lucky to have you.

  84. 14 years old, was once depressed, diagnosed when I was 11... says:

    Hi Noch Noch,
    I’m 14 years old, & I was once depressed. (Due to bullying, family problems, low self esteem, & loneliness) I was diagnosed when I was 11, but now I’m better. I just happened to accidently stumble upon your article. People have said all of these things to me & I didn’t know how to respond, now I know what I could have said, thanks to your GENIOUS, & ABSOLUTLY THOUGHTFUL & WELL EXPLAINED article. Your website is awesome. I hope it’s doing something good for all people who need something good in their life.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi ’14years old’
      Thank you for writig and sharing your story. I am glad to hear you are much better now. I hope, like me, through this experience albeit painful, you have come to learn more about yourself and who you are inside, and to understand your thoughts and emotions. And I hope you will have the strength to carry on in the future should similar challenge arise.
      Thank you supporting my blog
      Noch Noch

  85. Caro says:

    I was wondering if it’s possible for you to provide a list of 10 things TO say to a depressed person? Because to be honest I don’t know what to tell my friends when they’re upset :/

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Caro

      Thanks for your question. Every person is different and what they require is different. What I personally found helpful was when my friends said the following:
      ‘i am here if you need me’ – it gave me reaasurance that they will be here but not to crowd out my personal space

      ‘I love you, its okay to be depressed’ – made me feel that I wasnt so much of a weirdo after all

      And sometimes when they just call/ text me and talk about random stuff without asking how I am etc, as if its a normal day/ conversation, helped distract me

      Hopethis helps!
      Noch Noch

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  87. leah says:

    thank you.

  88. BB says:

    I’ve heard many of those.

    I also hate when people tell me to get help for it. As if I haven’t been there and done that. I’ve suffered depression most of my life. There isn’t a magic cure. Anti-depressants and therapy don’t work for me. Mine revolves around hormones. My body doesn’t process hormones right, which results in altered brain chemistry, and there’s no fix for that.

  89. Jaxson says:

    Yes, Noch. I too, have depression. I agree with you on all of these sayings and hear them all the time from friends and other people. I basically try to hide it but after a few hours at my school, soaking in insults of bullies and thinking of basically suicide in my head all day (doesn’t do schoolwork in progress of this state). I just come home in sadness and just crying rivers. I get bad grades via my thoughts, I can’t pay attention. My parents yell at me for this; and can’t see that I have depression and low self-esteem. This makes it worse and feel so pointless and lame. The only reason why I haven’t committed suicide yet, is because I’m too scared. I haven’t consulted a real therapist or physiologist, yet, but what do you think that I should do?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jaxson

      I think you need to let your parents know how you feel, and also see a school counselor or therapist. Your parents can’t see what’s going on with you because you don’t communicate your feelings and thoughts with them. It’s hard to tell someone about depression but I am sure your parents love you very much and if you try to tell them, they will listen. Perhaps a school counselor or doctor can help too?

      Thank you for sharing this , and the fact you can admit you need help is the first step to recovery

      Good luck
      Noch Noch

      • Jaxson says:

        Thank You, I’m now seeking a counselor for my depression. I just need to find out which one in my area. Thanks again for the help, without you I’d probably still have no hope.

        • nochnoch says:


          I am happy to hear I gave you some inspiration. I hope you find a good counselor you get along with. Please take care and let me know your progress

          Noch Noch

  90. faith. says:

    i.. just wanna be better. im searching for ways to get better & that’s how i end up here. i read some of your other posts & im crying my eyeballs out right now. & your blog is really good by the way. i dont know what’s wrong with me but i seem to be sad all the time. like, one minute im alright the next i’ll cry myself to sleep. i do know that i have a very low self esteem & im trying to work on that too, i do know i have some other issues but i don’t think they’re big deal. i thought im just gonna move on & be okay but it seems to me that its getting worst. i started self harming two years ago but i stopped four months ago because i just wanna get better & stop making people worry about me! why cant i get better? i have the urge to cut everyday over silly things so i’ll distract myself doing things that i love but lately it doesn’t work anymore. i wanna talk to someone but im scared that they’ll think that im looking for attention. i dont know what to do. now i even have to remind myself how to smile. i’d be talking a lot, posting a lot of things just to make everyone thinks im okay. i even talk about depression like its not a big deal to me when it really is. im so messed up.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Faith

      I would also suggest you speak to a professional therapist. They can diagnose you accurately and then prescribe the correct treatment / therapy.I think that would help you get better. You can get some free counselling as well on websites as Beyond Blue, Psych Central, Look Ok… Feeling Crap, Time to Talk, Blurt it Out etc

      Any time you want to vent, feel free to write to me, and I am glad you like my blog. Hope I can be some inspiration for you to find a better, joyful life

      Noch Noch

  91. […] my psychologist would present, and what I would speak about to the audience. We wanted to focus on what depression felt like, what I did to save myself and how I deal with depressive realities on a daily basis. I asked a few […]

  92. Diago says:

    Everyone has problems.

  93. Danie says:

    One of my family members says the last one to me all the time. im 17 and she doesnt believe in depression.

    • nochnoch says:

      That’s a pity to hear, Danie, I hope your other family members will come around. Or maybe can show them some websites to read more about it. I hope your family realize that 121 million people in fhis world have clinical depression according to the World Health Organization, and by 2020 it will become the global disease burden!
      Noch Noch

  94. Kaliesha says:

    I am a mother of 3 beauitful children. My oldest is 15, 12 and my youngest is my son 9. My oldest daughter has recently been in contact with her father. Just in the last 2 years he is a convicted felon for conspiracy to murder. Pleaded to attempted murder and arson. Yet not even 9 months out he gained custody of my daugther due to the fact she has a platelet function disorder. And I have Major Depression and Narcolepsy w/cataplexy. Its complete and otter BS. But last week he has went down to the courts to try and take all my rights. Where she can only come when she wants to. All of a sudden we went from talking about everything to now she barily wants to talk to me at all. She is being minipulated and there is nothing I can do. I dont understand he says because I have depression and I am sad all the time I am a danger to my own daughter. I dont no what to do and I have no money to afford a lawyer to go in and talk for me. I dont no how to talk court talk. How ever he has 14 1/2 years of exsperiance and schooling. Its so wrong to me I am so hurt by this and I really dont no what to do about it. Because of the courts there is nothing I can do. I dont understand how narcolepsy depression and her blood disorder is worse the him planning to kill and fallowing through with it is worse then this. There using everything they can to put me in the dirt. I have 2 other children to look after which I do well with what I have. I just dont understand how and the hell he can say I am a danger to my daughter and why my daughter now all of a sudden doesnt want to talk to me anymore. How can I help my daughter understand? Her dad said that she blames her self for my depression right now and that is why he is doing this. But I have never made her feel that way and dontn o why after 15 years it would all of a sudden be a problem. I dont mean to ramble just didnt no where to go for help. And to be honest I am hoping that anyone can give me any type of advice! Plz and thank you!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Kaliesha

      Wow, I am sorry you have to go through all this pain. But please also accept my apologies as I am not a trained professional to deal with this kind of situations. Can I suggest you approach some websites for free online counseling and help? Such as Blurt it out, look Ok Feeling Crap, Beyond Blue, Psych Central, time to talk? I think they might be in better position to offer advice

      Noch Noch

  95. […] “stupid”? Those who so consider might not really think that themselves, but rather, have been following the majority’s sentiment without processing the thought […]

  96. Liv says:

    I think that I may have depression to a degree. I feel like I’ve tricked myself in to those mindsets (the things that you listed), but the feeling won’t go away. No matter how many times I hear those things (I’ve only heard a few actually–particularly 1, 2, 5, and 6). It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to tell people how I feel. People assume that those things work for all people when they don’t.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Liv

      agreed – most people do not understand clinical depression and what it entails. pity… have you seen someone professional about your depression?

      Noch Noch

      • Liv says:

        I feel like I’ve been suppressing it. Sometimes I can’t tell if I actually have it or if I’m just hormonal. I’ve doubted myself so many times over this. I’m definitely not suicidal, though.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Liv

          Have you seen any professional to diagnose whether it is clinical depression? But either way, suppressing emotions is not healthy. Better to manage them and confront the thoughts behind

          Noch Noch

          • Liv says:

            Yeah, right now I’m seeing a therapist. It has helped me overcome a lot.

            I’ve been through some emotional trauma over the last few months due to my job (which is in fast food).I think that it’s an experience that most people would take with a grain of salt, but not me obviously. One of my managers blew up at me while I was handing out food in the drive-thru (it was my first time, too). The job is so anxiety provoking. The only reason why I was even able to make it out these last several months is because it was a source of income. I am scared shitless of having to go back. I sent in my letter of resignation, and I am hoping that I can just turn in my uniform and be done with this job, and never have to go back there.

            It’s been affecting me in the sense that at times I can’t drive without constantly feeling like I am going to get yelled at or reprimanded. I hate that I am making such a big deal out of this unlike a lot of people my age. I am so scared of screwing up and getting yelled at. I feel like most people can just barrel through it while I struggle.

          • nochnoch says:

            Hi Liv
            Congratulations! Its first step to making a change. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I hope s/he can help you. It’s better to make a plan for quitting so finance doesnt stress you out after. Maybe find a new job first? Or identify what you want to do first?


  97. Amy says:

    Hello again Noch Noch

    I hate to say this, i came off my anti-depressant’s months ago…i had to…depression started becoming severe again…now all i feel is resent and anger…every little thing and i boil with rage and snap at people. Plus the chemical imbalance in my brain is just messing me up. It was easier when i was less aware of things XD but now I dont even trust my brother anymore…i have dreams about him killing me slowly and painfully. And have paranoid beliefs he’s gonna come into my room when i’m asleep and cut my hair short or slit my throat. These arent just thoughts, i feel as if it really will happen. I believe that. My paranoia is extreme, so’s the depression, anxiety, anger and my ocd is quite bad. When i was a kid i used to be very angry all the time…I had to come off the citalopram because it was making me quite umb and i’ve rather hurt than not feel anything…

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Amy

      I understand how you feel. I think only a trained professional can help you. Please also take care not to stop anti depressants abruptly, esp if prescribed by your therapist.

      Write to me any time to vent!

      • Amy says:

        xD I know right? I’m such a dumbo, it’s not the first time i stopped meds quick…I think maybe I should be chained up and tortured or something…nobody seems to have any hope for me anymore and I’m losing hope too. :(

  98. melody says:

    Thanks for this blog. Don’t know how much to say about myself here – I feel as though I need to vent. Even if nobody reads this, I think it’s necessary for me to get this out.

    I’m 23, female, and I was diagnosed with depression a couple years ago during my second year at uni. I can safely say that I had been suffering with it since I was in my early teens, I just didn’t have the courage to get properly diagnosed. It seemed as though hearing the confirmation of what I’d always suspected would just make things seem more real and, therefore, worse. In a way it did, but at least I was given help. I’m currently taking sertraline tablets daily, but sometimes I think they’re not doing anything. Other times I can really tell that they make a difference.

    The only way I can seem to describe it is that some moments I am blissfully numb, and other times I am so hypersensitive to everything it’s ridiculous. Suicide possibilities are everywhere for me. I see a plug socket, I think ‘electrocution’. I’m getting a train, I think ‘jump in front of it’. I’m cooking and using a knife, I think ‘cut’. Even daily when I have to take my meds, I think ‘why not stockpile them and take an overdose?’

    I actually want to be dead. I don’t want to exist anymore. But I hate pain, and that makes me call myself a coward. On some level I know that’s not true but, when all I want to do is stop existing, and I want to kill myself, being afraid of pain is a huge thing to overcome.

    I am irrational and snappy one minute, withdrawn and weeping the next. It’s like I feel lonely and forgotten and, just, useless. I want someone to notice how i’m feeling, but then I feel guilty because I feel selfish. I can’t win. I get angry at myself all the time, I feel responsible for taking care of everyone, and end up feeling such a failure. My anger gets so out of control, but I never lash out at anyone because it’s almost as though I’ve convinced myself that I don’t have a right to be angry. So whenever I’m angry, it’s internalised.

    Add in the fact that I am struggling to hold on to my faith. People at church often mean well but hearing that depression is ‘a demon’ or ‘a choice’ just makes me mad. Do people think I want to be like this? Why can’t they understand that it’s an illness? Would you tell a cancer patient that the cancer is a ‘demon’ or that the reason they are ill is their choice? No. Why is depression any different? Just last week, I heard someone in church say that depression is now ‘a designer disease’. I wanted to walk out when I heard that.

    Just because I don’t want to exist doesn’t mean i’m not grateful for the people around me who care. I know there are people worse off than me, there always will be people who are worse off and those who are better off. Pointing that out to me when I come to you and I’m hurting doesn’t make me feel any better. Rather it makes me feel worse.

    Sorry, this is so incredibly long – that’s another thing, I apologise for everything. Sometimes before someone criticises me – it’s like I have to preempt it and criticise myself. Hurts less, you know?

    Anyway. Thanks for letting me get this out. There’s so much more but I’ll leave it here for now.

    Thanks for the blog, it’s helping a lot of people and I hope awareness about depression and mental illness begins to change.


    • nochnoch says:


      Thanks for sharig and I am glad you find this a safe platform to vent and I hope more will find the same. I get you. And i think many of us here get you. What i want to mention is, regarding those death thoughts, i have the same. I walk out to the street an wish a bus will run me over. My therapist mentioned to me that this is perhaps an ideation of death only, and a manifestation that I want to escape from something in my present life. So i dont actually want to be dead. Just want to move on to something new. The key is finding out what it is i am escaping from. Still looking…. But jus tjought this might help you think


      • melody says:

        Hi Noch Noch,

        Thanks for your reply.

        Regarding the death thoughts – I had to look up ‘ideation’ in the dictionary :-/ – you’re probably right. Except it’s not so much that I want to actually go through the process of dying, it’s more like I just don’t want to exist at all.

        It’s interesting that you mention escaping from something in the present and I’ll definitely try and figure out what I want to escape from. At the moment, I kinda just want to stop feeling so much, you know? Being numb is sometimes easier. I haven’t taken my meds for 2 days (I know the effect won’t kick in straightaway) because honestly, I just don’t see the point anymore.

        I’ve been thinking about suicide and berating myself for being so selfish; imagining what it will do to my family. But then I think that if I’m dead I won’t know anything anyway, so I might as well do it.

        There are two things stopping me from killing myself:

        1) my faith in an afterlife of some sort – I’m scared of going to ‘hell’ (whatever or wherever that is). Why can’t death just be the end of it all?

        2) my family – I know that they care about me and I hate myself for being selfish enough to consider suicide

        Thanks again for listening.


        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Mel

          Have you found out what you want to escape from? I understand that feeling of not wanting to exist but not necessarily die. For me, it was a signal that something in my life was not right, I was not happy, I did not lilke myself, I did not like the people around me. I started looking for the causes and what situations caused me to feel like that and what were my thoughts behind the emotions. Slowly I came to find out the changes I needed to make in my life, and also in the process, gained more self-awareness. Hope you find your enlightenment too :)


    • nochnoch says:

      Ps write to me any time nochnoch at nochnoch dot com 😉

  99. bee says:

    I don’t have any friends. The remarks I get are usually from strangers. My GP asked me the other day how long I was expecting to continue my life style? My psychologist seems bored with me – always finding ways to cut the session time a lot. I’ve been in a pretty restricted isolation with most people over the past few years. Since I never had friends to begin with it wasn’t hard shutting myself out. Now I just feel so withdrawn that it becomes really nerve wrecking and just straight out uncomfortable being around most people. But yeah, I’ve heard it all. I have had people use the fact that I was a sexually abused child against me. Making out like I’m something wrong. People can be cruel, that’s just how some are. These days, I guess you just have to give them the finger and move on to the next f@*k wit.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Bee

      Sorry to hear of your plight. Have you considered changing to a GP and psychologist who understands you? I’ve changed a few myself. No point trusting someone of your health if they don’t get you. You can write to us here anytime if you feel lonely

      Noch Noch

  100. Artgirl says:

    Noch Noch, I commend you on creating this brave website. I think it is wonderful that you have made something so valuable out of your depression, which is not nearly well enough understood by the general public.
    I, too, have been suffering from that same evil joy stealer, and I think it’s been about 5 years now, or maybe even a little more that I have had it. It got very, very bad a few years ago, and I believe that I had a breakdown. Major Depressive Event. I was suicidal, but I am grateful to not have acted on those thoughts. They rarely come and find me now.
    My mother has been an incredible support for me, but as with so many others, she would say some of those kinds of things you listed to me, not understanding how they affect us. I finally found a rather good site that described depression and emailed it to her, and that helped a lot.
    However, I am writing to add a line to your list that my mom will still say to me. “I wish you were like you were before.” I wish that too!! When she says this, it tears me up inside. I need to tell her that, though, and I know she won’t say it again. Just thought that it was a very relevant addition to your 10 things NOT to say! I wish you well.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Art girl

      That is indeed a great addition! I have added it to my notes for the Ebook I am working on. I hope the Ebook I work on will help others communicate their thoughts to their parents / friends about depression so we get less misunderstood. In case you care to share your experience in my ebook, and I think your’s is a prime example of the communication lack, please see my post on Communication Breakdown.

      Either way, thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope you continue on your recovery

      Noch Noch

      • Artgirl says:


        I feel honored that you have asked me if I would like to contribute! I will have to look through Communication Breakdown and think about what I could add, beside the one comment that I posted.

        It is a fantastic thing you are doing, creating the book to help loved ones understand this insidious disease! (I even think that there are some medical professionals who need to read it.) It is something I had thought about doing myself when I realized that the general public just does not understand depression, anxiety or other forms of mental illness.

        What really stands out to me is that my own mother, who had, with the best of intentions, made comments that just hurt until I educated her. The startling thing about it is that she had suffered from depression herself many years ago. I didn’t know that until I had been in my depression for a long time and we were discussing it. Here she was, someone who had been through it, maybe not to the degree I have been, but she was still making those mistakes of what not to say.

        Depression is getting more press than it used to, and people are slowly beginning to understand what it is and what it is not, but the lack of advice for how to assist a depressed person is terrifically lacking.

        Thank you so much for your endeavour on this project! I wish you the best of luck with it, and I will try to add something if I can. Also, if you want to ask me any questions about my depression, how I have experienced it, how others have treated me, etc., feel free.


        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Art girl

          I look forward to reading your contribution! :)
          I guess sometimes we forget. I find myself forgetting as well .SO i always have to remind myself what to say / what not to say

          Noch Noch

    • Maia says:

      Sorry– I have depression and I find a lot of what you’ve said here to be sort of indicative of the fact that you’re just wallowing in self-pity. No, you don’t have the energy to do things, but you’re going to have to do them anyway because that’s the way to get BETTER. I spent months thinking the way you do and got worse, and worse, and worse. In addition to depression I was eventually diagnosed with anorexia (because I didn’t feel like eating) and I just made myself worse and worse. Eventually I learned that it doesn’t matter if you don’t FEEL like doing something, you have to do it if you’re committed to getting better.

      • Phoebe says:

        I think this comment just shows how you did not read the title of the post. “You’re wallowing in your own self-pity”. That should be number 11 on this list. I think you need to realise that people’s minds work in different ways. I personally found this post very helpful and actually made me realise that there are other people that feel the same way as I do! Have some more tact.

      • zhiv says:

        That line ‘You’re just wallowing in your own self pity’ is something that people without depression say to people with depression. Some people with depression take on that damaging value judgement and apply it to themselves and others with the illness. My take on it is this: when you are suffering from depression, nobody around you understands. You meet with ignorance and disapproval of your illness (yes, disapproval, because non-depressed people think you have brought the illness on yourself, because you are too ‘weak’ to withstand ‘normal’ everyday life), who think that if you just do what they recommend your illness will magically disappear and you will be ‘cured’. Occasionally you lose family and friends, jobs and relationships. Occasionally you are abused by strangers or terrorized by neighbours who think you are some kind of ‘freak’. When you find yourself alone and isolated, getting little or no help from healthcare providers, when you give up and not bother to get out of bed because there is absolutely nothing to get up for, then yes, it’s safe to say you may be wallowing in self pity, with self pitying’ thoughts like ‘nobody loves me; I have nothing and nobody; if I didn’t have this illness I’d have a better life; it’s my fault I’m like this; I’m weak and stupid and ugly and nobody will ever love me, even dogs bark at me in the street because they hate me; I hate myself; I am worthless’ playing on 24/7 loop in your brain. The point is, there is nobody else to pity you,so you might as well do it for yourself. You can be said to be wallowing in your own self pity, but to be honest, when you’re at the stage where suicide looks like the best alternative to living in a daily hell, you’re damn well entitled to it. Only it isn’t wallowing in self pity. It’s you being ill. Would we say to a person on who is ill with kidney disease, ‘it’s your fault your kidneys don’t work. You’re wallowing in self pity. You need to start doing things to make your kidneys better. You need to force yourself to do things that will cure your kidneys.’? No, we would not. So why is it alright to say it to a person who is ill with depression?

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Maia

        Thank you for your point of view. I can see where you are coming from and I respect the opinion, even though I don’t agree. I think many people who have clinical depression try each day to do the things they know they should do in order to get better but even if they can’t, in the end, accomplish those things, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are wallowing in self-pity.

        I think there is a thin line between self-victimization and self-pity, which is perhaps more a state of mind, versus clinical depression, which is a mental illness linked with somatic and physical disorders, and the latter usually want to get better, whereas the former just enjoy being sick???

        In any case, thank you for contributing to the discussion. it is important we have perspectives from all angles to discuss and also raise awareness

        Take care

        • Erica says:

          I don’t know if I have/had “clinical depression” because I never went anywhere to be studied and diagnosed, but I think that whether feelings are named clinical depression, self-victimization, or self-pity, it is still indicative of a mental health problem. I eventually realized that I do take a perverse pleasure in feeling bad about myself. I want to feel justified in having so much pain and misery–I may not have value, but my pain does. At the same time, I truly do want to feel better and learn to take pride in myself and my accomplishments. All of these feelings are real and intense. Perhaps the “thin line” amongst disorders in what we call them, and whether we judge the experiences as clinical, with a chemical or physical origin, or as a mental state, matters very little. The important thing is to treat each individual with respect and dignity and to treat the illness.

          • nochnoch says:

            Hi Erica

            Spot on – dignity and respect. Most of the situations you mentioned above can be diagnosed clinically. And whether it is a clinical illness or not, the psychologists have a way of assessing the quantity and quality of symptoms. I think the APA and WHO have online questionnaires that could help diagnose too

            Thanks for the insights
            NOch Noch

      • Lori Reid says:

        It sounds to me like you feel entitled to make thoughtless comments to others because of your experience. Be careful with your words. Telling a person that is clinically depressied they are wallowing is self pity will do much more harm than good. That is her point. It does take committment to get better and medical treatment and time. Use your experience to provide compassion to others and develop some skills to help others not berate others feelings. Plan your words if you want to help people. Clinical depression changes a persons patterns of thinking, even the positive thinking people can be changed by this illness. If you have been clinically depressed you should understand. Once the treatment for the depression begins it is easier to get the energy and seek the additional therapeutic help a person needs.

  101. Jane says:

    I have depression. I found a great improvement based on something very simple. I divide myself into two people. The one who wants to be better and to do more, and the one who wants to just… stay in bed. It’s like changing a bad dream. Your parents always said you could control your dreams but you really can’t. unless you feed your dreams by thinking of scenarios before you go to sleep. Allow your positive self to feed and help grow your negative self. it worked for me, it may not work for others. There are solutions to depression beyond helplessness……. there is a way you can take back your mind and your dreams for the future. you don’t have to give it to depression.

    • nochnoch says:

      Thanks Jane, for the method. I will try that myself and see if my positive self can win over the negative one. Thanks for reminding us there is a way out
      Noch Noch

  102. MK says:

    I’m going through some pretty rough MDD right now, and reading this blog made me cry because what you wrote is so utterly and completely true…also crying because I’ve been crying all day, and also because I’ve found at least one person on this planet who 100% knows what I am feeling. I’d like to add another thing that makes me wanna punch people’s lights out: when I say I want to die, people automatically assume that I’m suicidal. No – there’s a difference between wanting to die and being suicidal. I, for instance, want to die -who else would want to live feeling to way? I do NOT, however, want to kill myself. First of all, I’m too chicken to do it; second of all, I’m afraid I’ll mess it up the way I feel I mess everything else up. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Wanting to be dead, but not wanting to commit suicide? Thank you for making this post, and I hope you find or have found a treatment that works for you.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi MK

      Glad you found some solace in my blog and you resonate with my writing. I have felt the same, wanting to be dead but not wanting to kill myself. For me, it was an ideation, a symbolism of wanting to escape from something. Perhaps this is true for you? Some changes are needed in your life? I did, and I have taken the time to do so. I hope you find it too

      Noch Noch

      • Byebyebirdie says:

        Please know i feel the same!! Wanting out of this world but not phisically. The escape the chance to recoup or reset. The yearn to gather myself and start anew. Yet knowing actually off-ing myself is the last thing i could bring myself to do. Ive learned that those who suffer from depression but dont commit suicide actually do possess courage REAL courage because we keep pushing on even though we know another deep valley faces us like our next breathe. You are so not alone. Im 26 african american a mother of a 4 year old struggling to get my college degree married and trying to make life work. I appreciate this entire site!

  103. Fishscribbles says:

    “Let me know when it gets better/you feel better.”

    If you want to be a friend, be a friend. Fair-weather friends are very hurtful when you have a hard enough time justifying your existence on a daily basis.

    • nochnoch says:

      Indeed Fishscribbles (I like the name by the way!)
      We need those who stick with us through it all, eh? Another thing I learnt through depression – who will be there for me, and give me the space when I need it but not give up on me even if I haven’t seen them for a year
      Noch Noch

  104. bee says:

    I have but it’s a lot easier said then done. I have a lot of trust issues and social phobias, so it makes it harder to want to see different people all the time. I have just stopped going to my therapist. I don’t really think I want to try again. I find it a very uncomfortable environment to be in. My whole life feels uncomfortable to be in. Everyday feels like a fight to keep me from throwing myself out on the highway. I’m to that point where I don’t even know why I’m doing it to begin with. I feel like the “lonesome loser” that kept trying for things that might not ever happen.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Bee

      I know what it feels like. I sometimes still feel like a lonesome loser. But my friends and family do care about my. I sometimes indulge in my own Bearapy when I feel uncomfortable. I hope you find your way. It’s hard I know. BUt you can do it!


  105. anwer says:

    hi noch noch
    My name is Anwer from Iraq.I am 21 years old.I’ve diagnosed with indigenous depression (which it’s clear by its name it’s in my genes).When I read this article I felt “yea that is what I mean”.I translated the article into arabic in my blog ( hope that people will understand us more and more.Thank you very much.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Anwer

      Wow, you must be my first commentator from Iraq! And thank you for translating this into Arabic. I am learning Arabic too when I have time :)
      Thank you for spreading the word. I hope you find your way through your depression. Thank you also for writing about depression!

      Take care

      Noch Noch

      • Diane Lowell says:

        I say sometimes. “I do not want to be here. I do not want to be this person.” I mean that I really do not want to be what I am. One thing that has been said to me is that i will be healed if I have faith, or that my illness is a spiritual problem. Could be true, but really makes me more depressed and anxious. Some of you,like Noch Noch, do not sound depressed. Real depression includes not eating and not sleeping. If you are overeating, you are a wreck, perhaps, but not clinically depressed

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Diane

          Spirituality is tricky and I do not know enough about myself in this regard – which is something I am working on – to comment.

          Depressive symptoms, from what I understand and also listed on WHO’s and APA’s Classification of Diseases, includes as you say loss of appetite and not sleeping but could also include over eating and over sleeping. Indeed, clinical depression has different degrees of severity but with all due respect, I would say only a psychologist can diagnose any of us here to have or not have clinical depression, and not for anyone else to judge.

          This is the point of this comment space, for people to speak and not worry to be judged or told that they are not really clinically depressed. I appreciate your support for my blog and value your input but hope you will respect my other readers too.

          Best wishes
          Noch Noch

          (I deleted your other duplicated comment – hope that’s okay)

  106. todaro says:

    OIt is so messed up and I’ll tell u why also my periods don’t work so these sentences will go into others but I find myself at a crossroad in my life I’m a attic but have been clean since september this has left with many questiond of why I have been this way the last five years or had used drugs mostly opiates and being sober has left me with many mental disabilities as in socialism confidence witch I don’t have it bothers me so much over the fact that I Am having these problems because its like this I want success so bad in life but don’t know how to go about it an meanwhile I feel I have tried digging thru my past I’m talkin I write pages of stuff that had happened to me as a child or my lifestyle I had taken so much physical and mental abuse from my father which I also witnessed him beat my mother and just a prick towards her which is why I. Now believe is why I shyed away from the confident girl that I now need so bad in my life why becuz it was inbedded in my head maybe that this was ok look I started smokin weed when I was twelve which lead to hard drugs down the road but at the time I was young and depressed without really knowing it but overtime

  107. todaro says:

    But ignoring all of these feelings I just left like aloser and still do for it these are all theorys of my life and why I am the way I am today searching for reasoning for all of it I feel I need to know what led me to this point If I’m going to move forward in life and have peace with it I’m also not looking for a excuse but what had really led me to this point

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Todaro

      I hope I read your passage properly. A little difficult without the full stop. but I think I understand what you are saying. Are you geting some treatment for all these issues you are facing. Is anyone helping you?

      Noch Noch

  108. E says:

    I almost cried reading this, I relate so much.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi E

      Thanks for visiting my blog. Cry all you need. We don’t judge here.

      Noch Noch

      • E says:

        I can’t believe I found this website again. I’m 20 and still live with my parents. I attend a community college and have decent-to-lousy grades. I am currently on semester break. I do not have any close friends. I am part of a school club thI do not have a love life. I recently got laid off from my part-time job (I went to hell and back to get that job, I spent the entire fall semester loking for a part time job, I only worked about 7 shifts total. This was the one job application I got called back for all semester, no joke, and now it’s gone.) I have a 22 year old brother who lives out of state in a house with some of his close friends. He has a girlfriend and three jobs. He is about to graduate college. Obviously, I feel inferior to him. I have depression and social anxiety. My parents do not understand either of these issues. The think they do, as if they are therapists. Last night they were trying to drag me to a football game. I’m sure you’ve heard of parents who try to drag their hermit adult children places because they want tonscialize them. I didn’t want to go becauase attending sporting events (ecspecially football) triggers my depression. Going to any kind of football game painful memories of high school. I tried explaining this to my mother, and when I said “It triggers my depression,” she gave me the wierdest, most disgusting look. As if it is abnormal to have random things trigger my depression. I didn’t end up going, but when my parents came back from the game, they lectured me

        • E says:

          I accidentally clicked “submit” befor i finished my comment. I must have tons of typos. I’ll have to finish this later. Smh.

          • nochnoch says:

            Hi E

            Do you have a school counselor you can speak to about all this? Depression aside, maybe they can also help you change your life habits and mentality so that you can change your life and feel better about yourself?

            Glad to hear from you again

            Noch Noch

  109. Jun says:

    Guys thanks for this conversation it help me a lot to help my mom who is suffering from depression right now. I can’t suggest any words right now. But I do have a question? My mom and I was suffering from depression but I recover fast like a months. Right now I want to help my mom? Can I tell her that I also suffered from depression and can I tell her the things that I did to overcome depression. I would appreciate if someone answer my question. :) Have a great day to all of us.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jun

      Thanks for coming by to my blog. I can only speak from experience. I think depends if you mum is receptive. Maybe you could start with telling her you had depression too and see what her response is? If she seems opened, you could mention your experience and what you did without sounding ‘instructive’ or telling her what to do, does that make sense. If she is not listening maybe don’t aggravate her. Is she seeing a therapist too?

      Noch Noch

      • Jun says:

        Hello nochnoch! Yes my mom is seeing a therapist but she just gave my mom some medicine to calm her down. When I search on the google based on study the medicine can help her about 20% and 80% is more on therapy. I already inform my mom that I also suffered from depression and she take it as positive outlook that I can help her. She asked me on how I overcome my depression for that short month? I answered her that I think on the present (like what will I do at the moment) and I never think on what will happened in the future and looking back on my past. :) We’re planning to go to a massage spa for the swedish massage because when I search on the google it says that can help a depressed person. What do you think? And on youtube I search on a music that can beat depression it relaxes your mind. I asked my mom to listen to that music, 4minutes listening she told me that she feel relax.

        I asked my mom to read your blog and she was so impressed. She wants to thank you for the blog because she realized that shes not the only one whose suffering from depression.

        Again, THANK YOU for helping us through this blog. It help a lot!

        I’ll keep you posted on what will happen next :)

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Jun

          That’s great news!! I am happy to hear that your mum is receptive to your aide. Hope it goes well and thank you for leading her to my blog. I am not sure about the music for depression, but i Am trying acupuncture and taichi for it. I will blog about it soon, i hope.

          Yes let me know how it goes

          It will be better next year!
          Noch Noch

  110. Anonymous says:

    just tonight i was feeling depressed about something and told someone, and she showed me an article on the earthquake in guatemala.

  111. Amy says:

    Hope you had a nice christmas Noch Noch and have an even better new year!

    • nochnoch says:

      You too Amy! My Christmas was good with friends and my husband. I know 2013 will be great for me – and for you too!! Keep the faith. We can persevere. It’s very hard sometimes, but we can get through it :)

      • hopeless says:

        I found myself resonating with your blog a lot except I am in hospital and the nurses and psychologists say these things to me?????

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Hopeless

          I hope you are not hopeless.

          Ha. Maybe show the nurses and psychologists my blog too haha? Have you considered changing therapists? But i guess its also hard for people not beenthrough it to understand, even if they have studied it. Goig through it personally is completely different thing from studying.

          Thanks for reading my blog and I am glad you resonate with it!


      • Amy says:

        Thank you and I’m glad to hear that!!! :) Hope 2013 brings you good fortunes! :3 Wee, we all try haha! :3

  112. hopeless says:

    im thinking about it, just not sure at the moment the psychologists/nurses arent very happy with me not trying to get out of bed/eat etc so dont really wana piss them off by saying they arent doing their jobs properly

  113. hxh says:

    I don’t get it. I’m dealing with a situation with someone who is supposedly “depressed”, and i feel like a massive bitch but i can’t sympathise with them at all, because all they’ve done is try to hurt me/blame me, even if it’s not directly. I don’t know how being ill excuses that? I’m trying to understand but i just can’t at all.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi HXH

      Hmmm, I wouldn’t necessarily say that being sick excuses it. But maybe need to delineate, is she blaming you due to her sickness, I.e it’s the sickness making her like that and she originally is not like that? Or is she trying to make you feel guilty intentionally. If the former then please know that she does not intend to hurt you. If you have access to a psychologist or the therapist she is seeing, then maybe you can speak to the psychologist on how to handle it. My husband also saw my psychologist to talk about how to handle me. I think he had it tougher than me at times….

      Noch Noch

    • zhiv says:

      Hi hxh, I’m a little late to the conversation because I only found this website today! You don’t have to sympathise with this person. You don’t even have to like them. Sometimes our depression gets in the way of us being nice people. We get easily irritated, easily angry and sometimes we do guilt trip people or blame them for our ‘stuff’. I think if you can try and keep in mind that a person with depression can have irrational and paranoid thoughts. We can take someone’s offhand comment the wrong way and dwell on it for years. It’s hard to overcome. I think maybe when this person is a bit better you could talk about the hurt you felt at their treatment of you. If she explains that because of her depression she wasn’t thinking clearly, and she seems genuinely sorry, maybe that could go some way in healing your distress. My sister hurt me a lot through my depression. When I asked her why she’d been so awful to me, she said ‘I was depressed, too…’ but the way she said it was so fake that I knew she was just making an excuse. All I can say is, when you have someone in your life who has depression, you have to give them more leeway than you would someone who doesn’t have depression. But if there comes a time when you feel you’ve gone as far as you can, it can be time to start thinking about withdrawing from that person. It’s not an easy thing to do, because obviously you want to help, but sometimes, when you’ve tried your best to support someone and it keeps getting thrown back in your face, you have to think of your own wellbeing and whether it’s worth it to keep hanging in there.

  114. Brianmit UK says:

    Thank you and well done. I feel better already – that somebody else is saying these things. We all need to take it on in an exponential curve of teaching the world what much of it doesn’t want to know.
    You are a beautiful person. I love you all. Fighting beside you all the way.
    Brian in UK.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Brian

      Thank you for your encouragement. We all do our little part. Sometimes we vent,but I think, like you say, we need to patient and let others know what depression is all about.

      Fight on together


  115. Esther says:

    I don’t have depression or at least I don’t think so. But I do understand a lot of these. I have low self esteem and some anxiety and it’s a big problem, especially since I’ve been trying to find a job. My family and friends tell me to be positive, or how easy something is if I just tried it, it tears me to pieces. Becuase what they don’t know is that I am trying. To them handing out a couple of resumes and submitting online may not be a big deal…but to me it’s monumental.

    And it kills me because I know that if I really want a chance I have to send out hundreds or resumes and not be picky. But how can I when each one is like climbing mountain? And I shake so hard I look like a scared little kid? I try to change my thinking, I try to have confidence, but it’s so hard to rewire my brain. So despite their good intentions I become incredibly discouraged and just wonder what’s wrong with me.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Esther

      Nothing is wrong with you. It’s the way you are and you can be happy you are this way. From my humble opinion, I think recognizing what makes you scared or challenges you Isa big first step, not everyone is self aware as such and just don’t know what the issues are. Now you have identified the issues with finding a job, you can set about to finding the solution. I am not a self development guru but there are some good books out there that can help you improve your confidence. Maybe these will be more constructive than others who say certain phrases that make you recoil into your shell.

      Good luck. Shake if you need to,and when you shake, come here and vent. Then go back fresh, and send out another cv. One cv a day :)

      Noch Noch

      • Esther says:

        Thank you for the encouragement, yesterday was just a really bad day. I’m steadily learning to be more confident. I just get frustrated sometimes because I recognize I am making progress but it’s just baby steps so it’s hard when my family doesn’t see those improvements. Rebuilding is a process and I’m getting there. I guess we all have bad days. I just have to keep pushing forward and stay positive even though my mind fights it.

        Well anyways, I wish you all the best and pray that you have strength in your own struggles in this New Year.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Esther. Yup we all have bad days and it’s okay. As long as you know you are improving then it’s enough. Sometimes it’s two steps forward one step back. Good luck!
          Noch Noch

  116. H says:

    hi, read passage and totally get everything you’ve said.
    was just wondering what you do when such a person won’t go to a psychologist?
    any thoughts?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi H
      That’s a tough one. I didn’t want to see a psychologist for a long time too. I was in denial and couldn’t accept I needed help. There’s really not much you can do except be there for them. O maybe you can give them a book that might interest them / self-help or personal development etc. for me though, that pushed me away even further and what helped was when my husband was just there with me physically
      Noch Noch

  117. Jim says:

    Btw Noch Noch,

    Reference my earlier email today, I really hope you publish it. Regardless how it made you feel. In life, we truly need to be open to all thoughts, and to open our horizons. My note was note because my thoughts are all correct, or that I have necessarily dealt with things in all the right way, but rather I want to add to the conversation, and provide others real thoughts, experiences, and outcomes that they can consider. You never know how others will take them in, and could be touched. I believe in the power of epiphanies. Out of darkness light can come, and sometimes in ways you never expected it. And yes, darkness may be best as you describe. And perhaps there is nothing wrong with that. I just hope you allow voice to both sides of the darkness, we can only learn from each other, if each side is allowed a voice. Please don’t do the very thing you so dislike, tell loved ones on the other side, the “10 wrong things to do/say” to loved ones dealing with someone they love with depression. Regardless of who is sick, the emotional burden is perhaps the same on both sides, and if you think this is equally not painful, I hope you give it more thought.

    Thank you so much for at least listening to a counter view.


    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jim

      I appreciate the counter view and I can empathize how tough it is for someone on the other side. My husband had a tough time handling me and I can appreciate that so it was not my intention to alienate those taking care of us. Thanks for your thoughts and bringing another view to this discussion. This is what communication is about :)

      Noch Noch

      • me says:

        how long does depression last and what if u have no support of your husband cause he dont believe depression exists and tells you that its just all in your head and that if you wanted to you could stop all this crap even thow u have been diagnoised with severe depression . its taken me a year to start feeling better and im not going to say its been easy for my family but when u feel so low and you argue with your husband and say ive had enough you will be sorry meaning when i leave how can he turn around and say , y what u going to do kill yourself when he knows you have atemted it before . he has said all those ten things and worse and somehow dont get how ive oulled myself threw but told myself that it was just cause he couldnt handle seeing me that way . but today i feel like ive hit a bit of a low i tried to talk to my husband last night about some insecurities i have tryed to approuch it in a nice way and was told to just deal with my shit myslf or get out i wasnt asking for anything except some reasurance but was told i shouldnt need it and as i said to him i no these feeling r my own insecurities and wasnt passing any blame but doesnt mean i dont need his help to over come them and i need to be able to talk to him when i feel down as who else can i talk to and he said he has no interest in talking about my shit its just all pethetic and as some of thr issues i have are about his job cause he away alot and im left alone to deal with this and kids and everything he said that if i was ever to ask him to chose between me or his job which i would never and have never asked him to do he would always pick the job over me . i no ive said hurtfull things in the past and it has obviously been a struggle for him but when i hear this it makes me feel so low and he just dont seem to get it . today every time i thibk of what he has said i just cry and am now asking myself is it me making this relastionship like this or is it the relationship making me like this

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Me

          That’s a question hard to answer without knowing the full situation, as to whether the relationship is draining you, stressing you out and thereby a contributing factor to your depression. Have you seen a therapist who can accurately diagnose you? Maybe s/he can have professional advice on what to do in the relationship. it is not easy for the partner of the depressed, and it was tough for my husband, especially as my depression also dragged him down. He went to see my psychologist to learn about it and also learn about how to deal with me when I cry or when I am about to kill myself. We also did some couple counselling which helped resolve some issues between us.

          If you don’t want to spend money on a psychologist, websites such as Beyond Blue, Time to Dog, Black Dog Tribe, Psych Central, APA, have online therapists who could help.

          But if this helps, I know how you feel and have been through the same struggles and thoughts as you listed out there
          Noch Noch

  118. Jewelee says:

    My daughter left for job overseas and a friend committed suicide in past 6 months. I live alone and have been sinking into a depression. During the past couple months I haven’t heard a word from my close friends and I saw my family about five days during the holidays. I can only imagine the worst from my close friends. I have tried to reach out and let them know I am isolated and really having troubles, but get no response except from one who said Be positive, go volunteer. Then shut her phone off for several weeks so she could ‘be with family’.. These are lifetime friends who have stood together for years. They have been precious to me but now I am so upset with them I can hardly bear it. I’m on meds. I don’t know how to start over by developing a new social network that goes as deep as we were a few months ago, but I can’t bear to see these girls anymore. They were so hurtful when I needed them most, especially by BFF. Am stuck.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jewelee

      I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I empathize and had some similar experience but now I look back it’s because my friends didn’t understand what depression was, and also I was not much fun to be around when I was severely depressed. Maybe you can try to look for those also depressed in your vicinity. Maybe they will know you more. Can also try to meet other people in support groups and network groups. And here on the blogosphere you cn meet lots of people too :)

      Noch Noch

  119. H2oluvrgirl says:

    I like your blog. It was just so brave of you to do this.

  120. H2oluvrgirl says:

    Her hee I like

  121. CaseyMarie says:

    Amen. I only wish I could share this with my parents…

  122. Siri says:

    Damn. I came across this article by typing in Google about how I can’t talk about my depression with my family–and each of them have said those exact 10 things more than once to my face.

    And every time, the knot in my chest just grows tighter.

    I reply with “I know”

    and they tell me “If you know why don’t you change” like it’s a bloody switch I can turn on or off.

    I’ve had it.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Siri

      Sorry to hear about that. Do they know you have clinical depression? Maybe they dont understand what it is about :(
      Maybe email them this article. Could help them understand?

      Noch Noch

      • Siri says:

        They do, though to them it’s not a real illness and just something I need to “get over”.

        Auuugh, it probably wasn’t a very positive way to send it–but I did send the article to them and reiterated my feelings on the matter. Totally cried in public while writing it, much to my embarrassment, but it did feel good to cry though.

        I didn’t say so before, but thank you so much for writing this. It made me feel so so SO much better knowing there’s someone out there who went through what I’m going to and had the same thoughts and reactions.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Siri

          Great to know I was able to help. and crying does help release the tention. I was annoyed at myself for a while for being a “crybaby”, then I realized, I hardly ever cried for so many years because I was putting up this “strong front”! I guess I am releasing a lot of stress through crying. Then there will come a time where I find balance in the emotions

          Noch Noch

  123. David says:

    I lye in bed, it’s 2am
    Thoughts of depression, oh no not this realm!

    My life seems pointless
    My dreams have now gone
    Through my clouded mindset
    I vow to go on

    Hopeless as it may seem
    I one day hope that I can dream!

    David, Ireland

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi David

      Greetings from Beijing to Ireland. I like your poem. Describes how I feel very well. Do you write a lot?
      But hope you find some point in your existence even if just to write poetry!
      I tried to write poetry before but not very good at it….

      Noch Noch

  124. Cameron says:

    Thank you so much. This is exactly how I feel!!
    It’s so frustrating!!

  125. Tai says:

    Thank you for writing this article.

    I have had all 10 of these things said to me by family members and friends. “Get over it.” is another gem.

    Like you said, all it does is make me recoil further because I don’t have anyone that truly attempts to understand who I am and what I’m going through.

    I DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. It’s not a light switch–I’m not playing up for sympathy…

    As a result, I can count in single digits the number of people in my life that I have shared this information because if that reaction.

    I have lost relationships over revealing my depression in the past. Now, I’m gun shy to share but at the same time I feel that they deserve to know and be able to make their choice on whether to continue with me or not.

    Thank you again for writing this. I needed to see this and it was helpful seeing others that understood.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tai

      I am glad it has helped you. It’s also your decision whether to continue the relationship or not so it’s not just in their hands. I have lost some friends but have also gained new ones through sharing my experience. All’s not lost :)
      And yes, we understand

      Noch Noch

  126. just because says:

    Hey, I actually giggled while reading this because I hear the exact same things being said to me constantly. I don’t cry to much anymore because of medicine that I have been on for a while now. My depression came from anxiety. I have a severe GAD which ruined my life. It continues to ruin me. But anyways, I liked this blog for sure. Made my night lol.

  127. Alex says:

    Sounds about right

  128. Hannah says:

    ‘You should be happy’

  129. abruce says:

    Thanks so much for having this up here. It is exactly how I think and feel afterwards when someone gives me these cliche replies. It might not mean much but knowing that some one else feels the same is so comforting :) thankyou.

    Myself, I’m actually not angry or sad until after I try talking to someone. Before hand I usually just feel emotionlessly tired of life. Afterwards is when I feel angry at myself.

    Again, Thanks heaps :)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi abruce

      Glad you resonate. As you can see here many feel the same 😉

      Anger is good, its a sign of life, that somethig needs to change. Hope you find that direction


  130. Jessica says:

    Yeah. 5,6 and 9 are the ones I experienced the most. They make as much sense as the comment, “Where did you lose it?” when you lose something. If I knew I wouldn’t have lost it would I?

    I wish people would shut up, and let me dwell on my own problems, their comments make my sadness worse.

    The worse is that depression runs in my family and my mom doesn’t even understand. She doesn’t understand why I’m giving up on highschool. I don’t want to… but I can’t do it anymore… I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live.

    The teachers make it worse and my mother makes it worse. What’s the point? When I need support my mom decides to side with the bullshit school. My depression doesn’t stem from that. It’s from nowhere.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jessica

      I am sorry to hear you feel that way. Have you tried speaking to the counselors online like Psych Central? Maybe they can give you some inspiration?

      Noch Noch

  131. Venny says:

    I enjoyed the article. People say the worst things when you tell them what is going on and why you are acting the way you are(if they don’t run away altogether).

    I could always trace depression to things/events in my life, though on occasion I thought it didn’t make sense as I had things to be grateful for and had it better than other people.

    I wonder if moving and starting over somewhere would help LOL! Some of my issues stem from loneliness and lack of support system, lover, friends, etc. Plus my job sucks anyway. Of course ‘running away’ could just make things worse. I do live near family now, but they aren’t real supportive and I think that issues with them sometimes contribute to my depression. I struggle financially and am unable to get ahead or really succeed in my field (perhaps because of depression). My biggest dream or hope in life was always to have a family of my own and I am now facing the fact that isn’t going to happen. Even if I opted to become a single parent, I struggle financially and have depression so I might not give my child a good life. I do believe part of my problem can be traced to my childhood and having always wanted to feel loved, protected, safe and secure. These were all things I so desperately wanted to give my future children.

    I want to feel better and find hope again or joy and sometimes I think a new place or new start would open new doors to opportunities that could turn out to be good or to meet new people or a potential spouse! Perhaps a new place with lots of sunshine that is beautiful. :)
    I can relate to the wanting to die and not wanting to kill myself, the reaction of my one friend who seems utterly disgusted with my mood and myself. Of course I don’t have her secure cozy comfy life either!
    I don’t know what to do anymore – I’ve tried the medications and professionals for many years (with disastrous results & resulting suicide attempts). I don’t have those when I self treat and I just have a lot of bad experiences with the medical professionals – even the ones of the spiritual variety.

    Of course I’ve turned to drugs in the past, exercise, you name it to cope with this or escape it. I do try to study a lot on emotions, the brain, sub conscious, changing thinking patterns, realizing emotions are not necessarily real or accurate, etc. I’ve used hypnosis and did try accupunture. I am trying massage now since I figure that lacking touch and certain levels of human contact could be creating a problem with a basic human need being unfulfilled. I hope to get back into exercise if I can get out of bed LOL. Seriously I am hoping yoga can somehow be of benefit – relax the mind, open the chakras, something.

    I think if someone told me to lick a frog, dye myself green and walk around with tinfoil sticking out of my ears because it would alleviate this, I would try it.

    I don’t know what to do anymore or what else to try! Just grateful I got so sick of it I was able to turn that into a desire to find a way out of it. Problem is now I don’t even have that and I can’t reignite anything inside me.

    Glad I found this post. I like the humor in it.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Venny

      Glad you like the humor in the post :) we are all crossing the bridge…. I get what you mean, I was about to try witchcraft for my migraines!!
      How did you find hypnosis? I keep getting nightmares and wonder if hypnosis can help

      Thanks for sharing your story
      Noch Noch

      • venny says:

        Apologies for late reply and any typos from my silly device. Yes the hypnosis helped…was not always overnight though. I really liked ones from a UK company….uncommon knowledge maybe….dont recall their name.
        I also went through period of nightmares. Someone told me to stop worrying about it, though I would wake up feeling mentally and emotionally in very dark hellish despair or even bawling. I made up my mind that they were just manifestations from my mind resolving things, making sense of traumas or stress, healing, whatever I could somewhat get myself to believe at the time. Now over coming the feelings of despair or whatever when i woke was another challenge entirely.
        I kept trying things, anything…attempts at improving sleep the next night, pleasurable indulgances in morning, yoga, meditation, intense exercise, music, walking….anything (that wsnt negative or destructive). what worked one day didn’t always work the next but I kept trying.
        Sometimes it means gettingphysical, creative, telling myself that the thoughts and feelings aren’t real, working on self talk or mind chatter, forcing myself to express gratitude for at least 10 things (sometimes that was limited to air, indoor plumbing, shoes, food…whatever).
        Sometimes the best I could do was distract my mind and other times I could get a little relief.

  132. Whitney says:

    Thanks for this article! I also wanted to add, the top comment that I hate is “It’ll get better!”. You mean my chemical imbalance will just magically one day get better? I’ve felt this way for 30 years. It certainly doesn’t feel like it will get better. I understand the intention, but it’s very dismissive to the way I feel NOW.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Whitney

      Agreed. Sometimes though, it’s hard for others to know what to say so maybe they just say “It will be okay…” Are you on anti-depressants? did you find out the cause of your depression for these 30 years? It sounds like it’s more a chemical imbalance which could be hereditary too…?


  133. cookie says:

    duh? you need to be positive thats the only thing to move. So please don’t be sarcastic.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Cookie
      Thanks for your input. For some people, especially if clinical depression is hereditary for many years, it is quite difficult to simply switch the mind and be positive, unfortunately, because the lack of certain hormones render the brain unable to focus on positive things. I am not a doctor or psychologist but have read a lot on how nature affects depression as an illness, and affects the thinking, where the will and the mind just cannot be strong enough to alter the state and attitude. Either way, each case is individual and affected by different factors. Now I am slightly stronger in my head and I can be more positive in my thinking – which is also what cognitive behaviour therapy is about: to avoid worst case scenarios – but a year ago when I wrote this article, “be positive” made no sense for me. It was an irrational hopelessness, and it took my psychologist some careful coaching to help me see the light.
      Take care
      noch noch

  134. Pleh Em says:

    Thumbs up for this article. Another thing that annoys the hell out of me is people telling me to smile. I don’t feel like smiling. If I did I would be freaking smiling. If I had anything to smile about I would be. You know nothing about me, you don’t live my life. Who the heck are you to give me orders and advice? You don’t know jack, you selfish, insensitive, self-entitled, naive idiot! I hate these people. Who gave them the role of doctor? You don’t give a crap about me. You only care about your stupid expectations. You’re all normal, I’m not. I get it, you b*****ds! Well stuff your normality. Your normality is fake. Your normality is mundane small-talk which I will never be able to do without falling asleep. You all bore me. You all suck. I hate my life. I hate GOD if GOD even exists. How can a supposed GOD allow me to suffer every single waking moment of my life and justify that? I’m not a bad person. I’ve never hurt anyone, I just want to be happy. I have awful, mentally ill parents [probably] and they’ve raised me the same. I’m doomed. F**k this world. I just want to die, but I’m too much of a coward to take my own life. I don’t even get that strength from GOD.

    • zhiv says:

      Hi Pleh Em. I’ve had the ‘smile’ thing, too. And ‘cheer up, it might never happen!’ I told the person who said that to me to f*** off. It felt good! For years I was stuck in the ‘why me?’ cycle. Why did I have to get depression? I’m not a bad person, I try to be good and not cause harm to anyone. Why did I get depression and not my sisters? Why did depression have to blight MY life? Why did god allow me to become depressed? What did I do wrong?

      The answer to that is, depression is an illness, and some people get ill. Maybe there were factors that contributed to your becoming depressed, like your parents, childhood, bad things happening in your life. But those are factors. I don’t know if they are the cause of someone’s depression.

      Do you know, I even believed I must have been some awful person in a past life, and having depression in this life was my punishment for all the bad things I’d done previously. How sad is that???

      Then I realised that this was all crap.

      The reason I got depressed is because some people get ill, and I happened to be one of those people.

      There was no god smiting me with depression, no punishment for past transgressions. I didn’t get depression because I’m a bad person. I didn’t get ill because I did something wrong.

      I got depression because I got depression. I wasn’t singled out by divine forces. some people get meningitis. Some people get cancer. Some people get epilepsy. We got depression. So, if you can, try and look at it that way, and stop punishing yourself for something you had no control over. There’s nothing anybody on this planet can do that guarantees absolute health. some of us fall ill, some of us don’t. That’s just how it is.

      And by the way, you’re not a coward. You’re somebody that hasn’t yet found the most effective ways to cope with and manage your illness. That will come in time, with the help of your doctor, or mental health professional, and there are depression support groups online and in your community where you can meet people who know exactly what you’re going through, because they’re going through it too.

      I hope things start getting a bit better for you soon.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Pleh

      Yeh, I get you. But I do hope you find somethig or someone that will make you smile. I found some through Bearapy and cooking :)
      Many people think I am silly but I do what I am happy with

      Noch Noch

  135. Katy says:

    I thank you so much for posting this! I wish I’ve read your blog couple of days earlier…One of my best friends is in a deep depression. I think I didn’t realize how bad things were…Two days ago we had a terrible fight during which he told me that everything I say is making him feel worse and that because of my attitute I remind him of everything that he hates about himself. Needless to say, I was deeply hurt but we talked about it a lot and turns out I didn’t realize how clueless and unintentionally cruel I’ve been. I’ve been doing research about depression ever since and I think I finally know what NOT to say. Ever. Also- thanks to you.

    I do not know what to do now, though. Should I keep on contacting him every day, just to let him know I’m there? Or should I leave him alone for some time and just accept that I hurt him so much he doesn’t want to see me anymore? Could you please, please advise me what to do? What would you, as a person suffering from depression, want your friend to do in such a case? I’m totally lost and crazy worried about him but don’t wanna make things worse, again (also- I think I’m the only person that knows about his depression so I’m afraid he can’t talk about it with anybody else…)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Katy

      Sorry for the late reply. My suggestion is to let him know you are there. Maybe you can contact him every now and then, and just talk about silly things or random things. Just let him know if he needs you he can reach out and that you care about him. One of my friends did that for me, even though whenever she asked how I was, I would be so negative about it. She wasn’t put off and went about talking about other things. We did this through text message / whatsapp. So it was not intrusive and if I didn’t feel like it I didn’t have to respond immediately.

      Another way is to get in touch with organizations like Beyond Blue, Psych Central. They have online professional counselors who can offer better medical advice on how to help your friend too

      I hope it helps :)

      Noch Noch

      • Katy says:

        Thank you so much! Actually, I followed your advice, I was just texting him asking how his day was or if he wanted to go to the movies/play cards etc. At first he didn’t always reply but it’s been almost three weeks now and I think I finally won his trust back. I’m just trying to be there for him whenever he needs me. He even finally agreed to see a therapeutist! One more time thank you for your advice and running this blog. I’ve learned a lot and hopefully can more efficiently help my friend now :)

        • nochnoch says:

          Great to know Katy – and thank you for being a great friend! Sometimes he might say things that could hurt you, but I know deep inside, and sooner or later if not, he will come to appreciate you for simply, being there!
          Noch Noch

  136. A says:

    I just got this one from my sister: “You’re ok, you’re not that depressed.” It just makes me want to give up because it makes me feel like my closest possibly support group (family) doesn’t understand. Actually, I’ll go talk to my dad because he’s the only person in my family who understands me really well. Can’t even string sentences together after that comment, and I’m a writer!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi A

      Oh! What do you write? Does writing help you with the depression. That comment from your sister was slightly insensitive. Did talking to your dad help?

      Noch Noch

  137. Selina says:

    I truly Love this blog, and have shared it with my Facebook friends,because I can totally relate to you in sooo many ways.I too Suffer from Major Depression.You are an amazing lady for having the courage to write this blog.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Selina

      Thank you and thanks for sharing with my friends. I appreciate it. Thank you for your continued support. It is comments like yours which keep me writing :)


  138. vinita k says:

    That was just awesome….but if we don’t hear those 10 things we get stuck in the rote….it gets more difficult to come out of it …u can just take it as a piece of advice or turn a deaf ear to them….Either way it takes time to come out of depression….Even i tried to do something innovative out of it but left it incomplete……Coming to the root cause(there are number of factors )…it can be summed upto is ‘THE ENVIRONMENT’ u r currently living in…That affects upto the hilt

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Vinita

      Yes I agree – we need to find the root cause of our depression and treat them accordingly. For some it could be more biological, for others it could be stress, and others could be experience.

      Noch Noch

  139. Lonely says:

    My husband has said to me “Get over it” and “Depression makes you selfish”. Like I get depressed on purpose. I was on meds and seeing a counsler but my husband told me ” your feeling better makes me feel bad.” and “I feel like you’re emotionally cheating on me”. Sometimes I do feel like i was dead but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna kill myself. Sometimes I feel like a horrible wife and mom and now my husband wants another baby. I don’t know what to do. I feel bad enough putting my daughter thru all this as it is but hubby says that’s not a reason to not have another kid.

    • zhiv says:

      Hi, Lonely.

      Your husband sounds immature, controlling and selfish. I’m sorry to be so blunt but there it is. He is so scared that if you start feeling better you will start doing better, like (in his mind) leaving him. He wants another baby because he wants a way to keep you tied to and dependent on him. This is why he guilt trips you with stuff like ‘when you feel better I feel sad’ and ‘I feel you’re cheating on me emotionally when you see your counsellor’. He is frightened that you won’t want to be with him anymore if you get better. But what husband wouldn’t want his wife to get better? How can he prefer that the love of his life remains ill? If you had cancer he would move heaven and earth to make sure you got the best treatment. Unfortunately, if you don’t have his support, it’s up to you to make sure you get the best treatment.

      It’s up to you to decide what you want to do. I would suggest keeping up with the counsellor and the meds. Explain to your husband that by him trying to make sure you stay ill, he is not giving you the chance to be a better wife to him and a better mother to any future child you may have.

      Don’t make any ultimatums. Be as calm as possible when explaining to him that it will be better for him and your daughter that you get help for your depression. Explain that you have an illness, and like any other illness you have to have treatment to make it better. You’re not a horrible wife or a horrible mother. But explain to him that if you don’t get the help you need, you may end up becoming exactly that, and he wouldn’t want to see that, would he? Try and make him see that your health is vital to the health of the marriage itself, and that by undermining you, he is not doing himself any favours at all in the long run.

      I hope this helps. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, but I really feel for your situation. Nobody should have to jeopardise their health just to please another person, whoever that person is.

      (((((((Tons of Hugs)))))))))

      • Lonely says:

        Thank you for your support zhiv. You haven’t upset me. What you said is true. I already stopped seeing my counsler. I got tired of fighting with my husband. Now he tells me that if counselling was helping I should go back but I told him that I’m afraid he’ll start fights with me again when I leave to go to an appointment like he did before. He says he never did that and he never said the things above. I think he thinks I’m crazy and I’m making things up. He says I can’t let what happened in the past keep me from going to a counsler but I don’t know cause he was supportive in the beggining the first time. I’m scared the past will repeat its self. I wish he would just leave me alone. Sometimes I think I should just leave and get my own place,just me and my daughter but then I think ” no,you’re to stupid to do it on your own”. We got in a fight lastnight because he got a big bonus at work and I hurt his feelings because my reaction wasn’t what he thought it should be. I wasn’t excited enough. I had realized my initial reaction sucked so I gave him a high five and a kiss and told him thats awesome..but I guess I was suppose to jump up and down and scream with excitement. He told me lastnight that that I’ve made the last couple of days unbearable. I have good days and bad days but I didn’t know my bad days(i have had worse) were unbearable for him. If he saw my really bad days he would freak. Maybe that’s why my really bad days happen while he’s at work. I can’t talk to him. He doesn’t get it. It feels like he’s judging me. I told him he acts like he’s better than me bacause he’s smarter…he says he doesn’t think he’s better than me but I have my doubts. I just feel numb. The truth is if it wasn’t for my daughter I don’t know if I would be around. If she wasn’t here and I wasn’t such a chicken I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving my husband and ending me. Thank God for my daughter! She’s the only good thing I’ve ever done. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness. All I know is I’m not happy and I can’t see a future where I will be. I just feel like crying..sometimes I don’t know why and sometimes because I hate myself. My daughter deserves a better mom than me. My husband tells me I’m an awesome mom but I think she shouldn’t have to deal with my craziness. It’s not fair to her. I’m scared she’s going to grow up to be like me. I’m also scared that if my husband and I ever did split that he would use my depression against me to get custody of her. I’m not saying he would,I’m just afraid. I feel so hopeless and helpless.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lonely

      Have your husband met with your counselor / psychologist to learn how to handle your illness? It might help him empathize. It was hard on my husband too and my depression really dragged him down, but after he went to see my counselor, who taught him some ways to handle me, it became better and we became closer as a result.

      Noch Noch

      • Lonely says:

        I suggested him coming in to talk with my counsler but he said ” psychiatrists and counslers are there to judge you and take your money.”

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Lonely
          That’s what I used to think too – the key is in finding the suitable psychologist. I went through a few different ones before I found the one I could relate to now. Maybe he needs some time…
          NOch Noch

  140. indecisive says:

    hey dude. ur list is true but idk i always think of it as @ least their talking to me and taking their approach in trying to help

    • nochnoch says:

      Thanks Indecisive, it’s true, it’s a good way of looking at it – at least they are still talking to me! haha. that’s a way I hadn’t thought of before

  141. Grisell says:

    Wow, being depressed myself, it seems as if I had written this list myself. Thank you for your blog, it helped me see that I am not crazy or alone. There are many others who suffer as I do.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Grisell

      Indeed. IN fact 121 million people suffer from clinical depression around the world as World Health Organization states. Keep on going… hang on in there!
      Noch Noch

  142. Tangle says:

    Very interesting and I myself have said pretty much everyone of those things to my Girlfriend on numerous occasions!

    I know they are the worst things to say, but after living with her for 3 years and being blamed for everything, I sometimes haven’t the energy or the will to carry on trying to be positive and one of or a few of the above slips out.

    I would be really really interested to know what we should be saying to help someone with depression (and who doesn’t talk or admit it’s a problem!)
    I want to say and do the right things but I’m fast running out of things to say and do. I love her and really want to help.

    So please may we have a similar list it will be a great help.

    Thank you

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tangle

      For me, I think it varies from person to person and their personalities and which stage of depression they are in. I know it would be difficult for you. My bf, now husband had a hard time. I “interviewed” him here, if it helps you

      As for things to say, what helped me was really knowing he was around and him coming to give me a hug and just lie there with me if I was crying. nothing he said mattered or made sense to me then as I was too deep in a rut.

      But Beyond Blue has a good list if this helps.

      Noch Noch

      • FrozenSlumber says:

        That list at beyond blue is an excellent list. Kinda makes me wish you could hand it out and say “Here, only ever say this” but then the world would be messed up in a whole different way. Still, a really good list

        • nochnoch says:

          HI Frozen Slumber, glad you found it helpful. Yes, i think we need more communication in this world. BUt one step at a time, one person at a time
          Noch Noch

  143. zhiv says:

    Hi Noch Noch

    It’s almost 3.30 in the morning and I’m on your website having fallen in love with it! I’ve had every one of those 10 things said to me and all it’s ever done is make me feel worse about myself, as if my depression is my fault, and that if I only think positive, count my blessings, pull myself together, snap out of it and look on the bright side, etc etc ad infinitum (ad nauseum!)I will be magically cured of a 30 year illness, the skies will be filled with marshmallow clouds and bluebirds will fly through the window to help me with my laundry!

    If only!

    I hope my replies to other commenters weren’t too overboard. I feel almost like I’ve hijacked your website for the evening, but there were some posts I felt so strongly about that I simply had to reply to. I hope that’s okay.

    I am definitely coming here again! Thankyou!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Zhiv

      Thanks for supporting my blog and I am glad you resonate with my writing. No worries about your other replies. This blog is meant for discussion and thoughts, and your replies would help raise awareness. I respect everybody’s opinion here with the ultimate goal of support and helping each other through depression. It’s strong of you to keep going after all these years. Thank you for being inspiring

      Noch Noch

  144. M says:

    This really speaks to men, since I’ve been told most of those things before.
    A couple of days ago I told my mom that I might be depressed (I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis yet, and I don’t want to diagnose myself, but I’ve been battling this feeling for years and I suspect I do have it) and that I felt suicidal. She told me that I was only unsatisfied with myself because I was lazy and I didn’t do anything with my life, and that “everyone feels like that once in a while”; then she told me that I couldn’t really be depressed because I got online a lot and that people who are actually depressed can’t even do that. She proceeded to tell me about her own problems.

    Sorry for writing so much! It’s just that I had all that bottled up inside me.
    I’m really glad I found your blog.

    • M says:

      Sorry, I meant to type “this really speaks to me”.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi M

      I am glad you found us. It is great you are trying to look for ways to solve your depression or you suspect it and finding ways to confirm your diagnosis. You could check with websites like Psych Central – they have free online counselors who could help give you an actual diagnosis. It is very important to be diagnosed accurately. Either way, we are here to support you!!!

      Noch Noch

      • M says:

        Thanks for your advice! You’re a lovely person. I’ve been reading your other posts and they are very well-written and interesting. I’m really glad I found your blog.

  145. SimplyNoOne says:

    Thank you. I don’t know you, and chances are, you don’t know me, but right now I have so much to thank you for. For so long, I have searched for someone who felt like I did. Not just depressed people, but people who feel just the way I do every day. You said that you were not a self-help guru, but now that I have finally found someone who shares my thoughts, I feel that I can get a grip on my life and overcome the sadness that threatens to crush me every day. As I said before, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but thank you.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi SimplyNoOne

      I am glad I was able to help in some way and we can empathize how you feel. Yes you can overcome the sadness that feels like it crushes every bone and vessel you have everyday. some days it drains everything out of you. Some days you feel you can resist a little. FOcus on those days you can resist. Two steps forward. One step back. Long process. But we will get there. Write any time – and you are not no one!!!

      Noch Noch

  146. DrElmoo says:

    Hi there,

    I have really enjoyed reading your blog and the experiences in the comments. I can completely relate to the notion of feeling pathetic when you confide in someone, getting the wrong response, and then recoiling further into loneliness. I have bouts of depression, and usually coupled with PMS it goes through the roof. I am thought of as a very calm and strong person by my friends, which is probably an indicator of keeping it in and allowing it to build up until it manifests itself in silent hysteria. Also, as I am getting older (I am 31 now), I care less about what people think and social norms so end up expressing my mood more, and the people aground me just don’t know how to cope with the realization that I am far from strong, and the strength was just a facade for the embarrassment. I have two thoughts right now, 1) So that I can blame it on something external, I have felt relieved when doctors have told me in the past that it could be due to a Vitamin D deficiency or PMS. It goes against what you are saying, but the weaker side of me would quite like to think that it’s not in my control and can be fixed. Otherwise, the thought of their being no fix, just makes me sadder that I can bear. 2) People generally like to feel good about themselves when they listening. If they don’t offer a weak ‘hang in there’, or ‘why do you let yourself think like that’, then they feel a bit useless. Maybe they care too much about their own identity in all of this, or maybe they feel too awkward to just say ‘that is so sad, I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to go through this’, which for me would be the most comforting thing to say. I read somewhere that a good listener just listens and tries to understand, where as most people’s first reaction to hearing of a problem that they have no internal understanding of, well their mind navigates immediately to a response/ answer/ justification. Probably, subconsciously to make themselves feel better about how useful they are. 3) I have a lovely boyfriend. He is intelligent, very loving and sensitive. Yes when I feel like this, he drives me insane. I think it is because I NEED only him so much for for comfort when I am feeling despair, that if he does shower me with it at exactly the point that I need it, all my feelings of worthlessness, abandonment and loneliness quadruple. I wonder at these times if it would be better to be single and fully independent so that I do not feel let down so brutally, because I am not expecting my life partner to detect it and save me, so my expectations would be lower and the impact of loneliness less so. Just a thought, nothing I would act on, because he does make me happy. His mother died suddenly 10 years ago and I know he suffers from a whole world of anxieties, feelings of abandonment, responsibility etc. that I cannot ever relate to. I wonder also, if two personalities like that in one relationship compliment each other or could potentially break each other. Sorry for the long essay, you just made all these thoughts come spilling out! Thanks again for the article! xx

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Dr Elmoo

      No problem at all – spilling out thoughts is a great thing, it helps us think and I am glad my writing inspired you to do so. I used to want to push my boyfriend away and feel I would be better off single. Glad he stayed. He is my husband now and I wouldn’t know what to do without him!

      I can’t really answer those questions for you, but it’s a godo thing you are processing the thoughts, I think it will help you reorient your life. It’s a delicate phase though, when we have the energy to think we sometimes spiral down so give yourself some leeway to relax from the thoughts sometimes


  147. Kayy says:

    Thank you Noch Noch for that post, I wish people could understand depression and not make us depression sufferers feel like we aliens or watever. The only time I feel almost normal is in the presence of my boyfriend, but I swear I hate how I feel

  148. LostDaughter says:

    I came across the 10 things not to say… I’m guilty of saying several. I didn’t tea the details just the titles and I didn’t read the comments.

    How are we, non-depressed people, suppose to act? You didn’t really provide that. In suffering from having a 57 years old Mother that is depressed, that continuously makes indirect references to suicide, that wants me to care for her as if she was my child. I DON’T GET IT!!!!!! I have my own kids, my own worries don’t tell me you are where you are because of your kids, that they don’t care for you…

    I have provided options and solutions to many of her dispairs but that’s not what she wants or needs so therefore I’m a bad daughter because I don’t dump all that in doing and run to her when she needs me… Always drama drama…

    I may not understand you, but you sure don’t understand us!!!!!!! Don’t tell me you want to be done with life, don’t tell me you have nothing to live for and nothing to hang on too and on the same sentence tell me you’re Christian and if only your daughter would take you in you would be such a different person, not always critical, not always putting me down, etc… Do you think you are the only one that suffers??????

    It’s not just all about you… Sorry in at a loss and I don’t know what to so with my mother and your stupid post doesn’t really help… Much more helpful would be ways for all to cope, not just what not tell te depressed…

    Im going to right a list of what depressed people should not tell other people every other week and see how that works out.

    Vent over…

    • FrozenSlumber says:

      I’m not the author of this list but I felt like I needed to say something.

      I’m so very sorry for what you are going through, I can tell it upsets and hurts you a lot. And that should not be happening, depression traps you in your own personal hell and makes it hard for some to see anyone elses pain, anyone elses hell. Again I’m sorry for you situation. However, the author did state several times that she was not speaking towards the “Do’s” but rather only the the “Dont’s”.

      It is true that neither side really understand each other, which is sad, as we are all suffering in or own way. I’ll admit that there was a point where I blamed my parents for “screwing me up” and I’m truely ashamed of that fact. The truth is they did everything for me, they did their best with what they had and they did a pretty good job. I think I can offer some insight into your mother’s behaviour. It’s not you she hates, but herself. Not you she blames, but herself.

      I am not condoning her wrongs, nor brushing off your own pain. Simply stating that a wounded animal will hurt any that gets close. And you are both wounded, by each other.

      I wonder if you could organize a visit to a psychologist?

      • Lostdaugher says:

        Thank you FrozenSlumber.

        My mother says she sees a psychologist. I don’t know… and if she doesn’t I don’t think she is really honest.

        I’ve told my brother to snoop around to find the name (he lives close by and see her at least twice a week but it’s never good enough. Only 1hr, he didn’t spend the night, he only thinks of his girlfriend). My goal would be to do a group therapy. Unfortunatelly, I think she lies to ther doctor so he/she doesn’t knwo the overall story. He doesn’t know that each week I skype with her for 1hr with my daughter and we try to talk. I don’t open up with her because most of the time she hurts me later with what I said if I confide in her. It’s always very superficial conversation. I can’t talk about the extended family because since she doesn’t talk to them, she thinks we shouldn’t talk to them either by respect to our mother.

        My brother is not comfortable snooping and trying to figure out who her doctor is.

        I’ve told her that we should have group therapy. She takes offense, syas I don’t care about her and I can’t take her word for it. and I think she does because I think she doesn’t tell the truth and when they find out that we are there much more for her than she says it would be a different story…

        My husband and I are willing to bring her to the USA but we told her it needs to be done properly and legally. She said NO to me starting the paperwork. The only thing we asked is for her to have her own place. She has the means. She can sell her house but she doesn’t want to and told me I have enough space for her.

        If she is with us 24/7 it will destroy our marriage… when she only comes to visit she will lock herself in her room if she is upset and then she yells at me because I didn’t check on her all day and see if she was alive… that I don’t care… she does this at least once each visit.

        Any advice? We want it to work but it cannot just be the way she wants. And how do you make her understand she cannot take care of a 2 years old full-time when she suffers from depression and fybromialgia and some days she can’t even get up…

        Anybody… please help…. Thanks…

    • LostDaughter says:

      I’m sorry if I hurt anybody here… Depression hurts; not only the sufferer, but family and close friends as well. I can’t remember a time in my life since I’ve been a teenager that my mom wasn’t depressed and frankly I can’t take it anymore.

      I have tried to be supportive throughout the years but I can’t take it. I had to go to therapy and to cut ties for a while because she is very distructive in her depression and everything is everybody else’s fault. She made some choices in her life and have taken her where she is today but she never takes responsibility for that.

      I’m jaded, I’m indifferent now… I have my own daughter to worry about… she has 7 brothers and sisters which she has cast aside for one reason or another. Nobody is there for her. Yet when they try because they do’t do it in the manner she wants, she just yells at them and tells them how bad they are… it’s not a good way to make friends if you are lonely…

      This situation is so sad that sometimes, I think that it would be best that my life ends so that I don’t have to deal with my own mother blaming me for everythign that is wrong in her life. Because she doesn’t have a husband, we need to be responsible for her because she shouldn’t have to be alone… so basically my brother and I are punished because she doesn’t have anybody else. She can drive you crazy… she is very passive aggressive…

      I don’t want to give up on her but I just don’t know… I’m worried if I bring her in to my own it will eventually destroy my marriage. She doesn’t speak english so she would totally be dependent on me if she would come here. She wants to be the caregiver for my daughter and I don’t think she is mentality ready and when I try to nicely tell her that she tells me that all I do is punish her for her illness and if I would let her be with my daughter alone all the time all day while we work it would make a diffenrence. All I can think about is that she will do something stupid and hurt my daughter….

      ADVICE ME!!!! This is a cry for help…. all we do is wrong…

      H E L P

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Lost Daughter

        No problem at all. We respect your views and the more views we hear the more communication is facilitated. Would you care to see a psychologist too to learn how to deal with your mother? She seems to be causing some stress in your lives and lives of your relatives. My husband, Timmie, also went to see my shrink to learn how to deal with me, and each situation is different. If you don’t want to incur extra cost, you could do online chats or skype video calls with professional counselors at Psych CEntral, Beyond Blue, Blurt it OUt, Black Dog Tribe, Time to Talk, Look Ok but Feeling Crap. They are registered websites in the US, UK and Australia and should have registered psychologists. Perhaps this would be more constructive, as while we are opened to hearing you out, our advice might not necessarily be the most professional.

        Come back and vent any time


        • LostDaughter says:

          Hi again!!!

          I have gone to therapy for 2 years on my own but it was just more about how to deal with her passive aggressiveness. I would LOVE to talk to her so called ‘psychologist’. We don’t know who it is and my brother that has access to her stuff won’t snoop. I told my brother we need a family session.

          The hard part for me is that it’s been 15-20 yers of this… It only has gotten worse. I tried to say nice things… Like it will get better, I love you, sometimes u don’t say anything and she asks why and I just say I’m listening and she tells at me because I don’t have anything nice to say…

          It’s true… I’m out of thoughts and ideas… Everything I try to say that is nice is turned against me. I’m a bad daughter, I’m cold, I have no feelings… I understand that when one is depressed you aren’t necessarily logical. Well I’m a very logical person… Im rational so when my mother says she wants to come here I want to talk about a plan, I want to know what ALL of us including her will do to accomplish that plan. That is NOT what she wants… She wants for me to care for 100% financially and emotionally, give her a roof, I should NOT ask for her to sell her assets…

          I don’t think it’s fair…

          I sent her an email explaining why we needed a plan, why we need to get her to come to the USA legally, why she can’t care for our daughter (neither my husband or myself would allow it in her current mental state), I tried to tell her those things in a nice manner but let’s face it, I had to be honest.

          Do you send pictures of yourself in a hospital bed to your daughter that you know is on a “fancy” business trip with her husband with the quote “Hope you are well?”. I think she may have a borderline/ passive aggressive personality on TOP of depression.

          This is what she did last week while I was in a business trip. Yes she sent ne a picture of herself in a hospital bed. She knew I was on that trip and she could not stand that I was going to have a good time. So apparently she was hospitalized last Thursday. I only arrive yesterday night and with the time difference I have not called and I really don’t want to. She is hospitalized at least twice a year… I’m getting disensitivised, I don’t know what do or say amymore and she will blame me and complain that I only care about me (when I feel she only cares about herself).

          She told me she tried to kill herself last year in June but never went to the hospital… I seriously doubt it. I don’t trust her. I found this so ugly especially since one of my aunts killed herself January 1, 2012. Since then it seems she wants to use that ammo more to scare us… As she says “do the right thing towards your mother Now before its too late and I’m dead.” Talk about emotional blackmail. its been my life for too long. Her definition of right thing is far from mine.

          My walls are up, she can be so mean, I have to protect myself and my daughter. I don’t let her see one ounce of sadness in me even though in crying hysterically inside. If she sees a weakness, she jumps on you in a second and uses all she can to bring you down…

          She is very jealous of the relationship I have with my in-laws. I have explained to her they treat me as an equal, they respect my point of view, they don’t run off stumping around if I disagree with them. They don’t criticize me or for it me to talk to family members they don’t talk to…

          So yes it is very possible that I am cold… I’m numb…. I also don’t want to become her mother but it seems that’s what she wants…

          I just need a break… For 1 year for everything to go well, for everybody to get along, no drama, just boring daily routine.


          • nochnoch says:

            Hi Lost Daughter

            It sounds like your mother’s situation is causing you a lot of stress. As much as I think it’s great of you to care for your mother, I think you need to take care of yourself and your sanity first. I am not qualified as a psychologist or counselor and I would not want to give the wrong advice. What does your therapist advice you to do in this case? I would suggest you listen to him/her. They would be more experienced to deal with it. Also, when your mother is hospitalized, what do the doctors say then on how to treat her?

            Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I am worried if I say more I would say the wrong thing, and each family is different and it seems quite a serious case you are facing

            Noch Noch

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lost Daughter

      Indeed, I can sympathize how hard it must be for those who look after the depressed, my husband had a difficult time. Like I say in this post, I think you carers have it harder. And I think a lot of us agree. Thanks for taking care of your mother for so long

      I don’t know your background or history so I can’t tell you what you should do or not, but yes, it might be interesting to read your list of what we should not tell other people. It does seem like a lack of proper communication between all of us, so frustrated by fluctuating emotions.

      All the best. Glad at least I helped you vent, hopefully you feel better after

      • Lostdaugher says:

        The thing I have to hardest time with is the complaining about loneliness but refusing to go out with friends when asked, refusing to trying something new cause “I’m too old”, refusing to take a class like “english class” so that when she comes to america she can speak a bit.

        She has solely isolated herself from her 7 brothers and sisters. She blames them for not offering the help she wanted (they did offer help not in the manner she wanted though). Therefore, I’m not allowed to talk to my aunts and uncles or my cousins.

        If they call her, she will berate them so bad that everybody is disgusted… and they won’t call anymore. She probably has not talked to any of them in a couple of years.

        She seems very self centered.

        So yes, I have a hard time that month after month, year after year, she complains about the same things but she doesn’t do anything differently.

        She sits all day at home analysing all the words you have told her, re-reading all the emails I’ve sent and torturing me with text messages and emails about why I said this and how I said that, and what did I really mean by this other thing? When really I didn’t mean anything by it but that’s it… she has nothing else to do but to develop conspiracy theories about how we are all against her.

        I’ve offered for us to have family group therapy with her doctor, she refuses. She says I should take her word for it. I should believe her. But that’s the point… I don’t, I bet that if I talk to her doctor he doesn’t have a clue that we SKYPE every week (or almost), that my brother is at her appartment twice a week. (But it’s never enough)…

        If I send a text message it’s because I didn’t call. If I call it’s because I didn’t send a card for her birhtday… we always do something wrong. Because she doesn’t work anymore she is loosing touch with reality, with what it really takes to make it all happen between work, children, chores and all… she thinks we should be at her disposal… and therefore, we are ungrateful children, cold, stupid, we don’t get it, our priorities in life are wrong (cause she isn’t #1), etc., etc… how long can one sustain this… especially when she openly has said to me that she hopes my daughter treats me the way I treat her. I had to tell her, that it starts with me and if I’m more open minded, not critical of my daughter, maybe if I am understanding, maybe my daughter will never be with me the way I am with my own mother…

        I’m aching badly… I can’t communicate with her, she refuses to compromise, she refuses to consider anything else but whatever she thinks is right. That’s the only option…

        The only way out is to cut her out of my life since she doesn’t want to work with us… I don’t know… this is not just depression… I would prefer getting a BEATING than hearing her continuous mental abuse… I’m in the USA, she is in Europe.

        As I’m writing this, I’m crying… my husband doesn’t know what to do to help me… then he gets upset because he knows I’m sad… it’s a vicious circle…

  149. FrozenSlumber says:


    Wow did this make me cry. Every word hit home so hard.

    Most people would never guess that I have depression, I really try hard to hide it. I get up in the mornings, feed the dogs, go to work, somehow make it through the day, go home, interact with my family, help plan the family get-away, eat and go to bed. Nothing wrong there. Heck, some weekends I even go out with a friend, I owe her so much, I can’t lose her too. She is the only person I’ve told about my depression but she doesn’t really understand what depression is and we never discuss it. But it’s enough to have her as a friend who hasn’t faded herself out of my life. I suspect my mom knows what’s wrong with me but she disapproves and so she never brings it up and so I never bring it up.

    Aside from those two, most people just assume I’m the quiet, serious type. Totally not true, I’m actually very loud and silly… well underneath it all. I wish I could be open about it like you seem to be. My mask does slip every now and then (more often lately) and when it does and I try to talk about it, I try to explain “me”… well it always results in the “not this nonsense again” look, followed by either silence or one or more of your top 10.

    It’s the reason I hide it like I do. At this point I have almost fully withdrawn from all possible judgement risks. But also at this point I feel like it’s time I stop. I can’t, I won’t… but I’d really like to.

    I’m not diagnosed; I can’t risk my family finding out anything. The plan is that when I leave for college next year, I’ll get to a doctor within the first month and get this process started. And then I might be able to finally let my family in on the world of “me”. The distance would make it easier I think.

    Anyway, I’m just trying to say thanks. This just lets me know that someone gets it, someone’s been there, someone has these same stupid thoughts and opinions on the same stupid comments people throw around so easily (and someone has the same fantasies about skinning and boiling the next person to stab me with yet another “be grateful”).

    There’s a measure of peace in that (great now I’m crying again!)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Frozen Slumber

      Happy to know I helped. You could also try to access websites as Black Dog Tribe, Psych Central, Blurt it OUt, Beyond Blue and have online real live counselors diagnose you – they are free and won’t incur any cost. The earlier you are accurately diagnosed, the better.

      Yes we are all here for you.

      Noch Noch

  150. EEYORE says:

    Hi Nochnoch. Thank you for this website! I’ve read (and cried) through a lot of these posts and it’s so nice to know that there are people who DO understand, unfortunately it’s because they are struggling with depression as well, but at least we can understand each other.

    Sometimes I feel so alone, and like a lot of people have expressed, we try to explain how we feel to friends and family over and over and over until we feel like a broken record!! It is sooo frustrating! I really wish people who don’t understand would just do some flippin research and try and vaguely understand even a little bit of what we feel. I don’t even try to explain anymore…even friends I have had deep conversations with about depression, two weeks later will ask me, “so…when are you going back to work?” And then…BOOM…it’s like a complete smack in the face, because you know, it’s not like I’m not already feeling completely down on myself since I had to quit working 7 years ago, but oh yah…I’m sure I’ll be feeling right as rain in two weeks and skip right back to work. Really?? I should tell you, I tend to be a little sarcastic! I find using humor helps me get through tough and uncomfortable situations…I guess you could say I hide behind it…it works for me….kind of like the fake smiles we have to put on our faces daily.

    I need to vent something that’s really been bothering me lately and I hope you don’t mind if I post it on here, because I feel like I’m going to explode! I have a sister-in-law who, thank God, does not live in my city. The last few years she has developed what I call a “hate-on” for me. About two years ago, I even had the “conversation” with her about my depression/anxiety that I have struggled with all my life, which she (I’m assuming) has forgotten all about and I really don’t think I need to explain myself again! She thinks of me as a lazy stay at home Mom who just sits around and does nothing. She tries to secretly send my husband money, because you know…poor him…being stuck with a lazy, good for nothing wife right! She belittles me, treats me like I’m stupid, even going so far as to ask my Mother-in-law why I haven’t even finished my schooling yet. By the way…I did my G.E.D. on my own when I was 22 (I’m 43 now) and graduated from my college course with honors, that I took when I was 32. When my Mother-in-law told her this, her reply was, “well, no one tells me anything!” She knew…believe me…she knew. She really makes me feel like I’m not good enough for her brother and I’m so sick of it! I struggle enough daily and I do not need my sister-in-law making me feel even worse than I already do. I know you should just let stuff like that roll right off your back, but I can’t get it out of my head! I’ve never done anything to this girl…ever! Help! Anyone! What do you do when you have people like this in your life? I swear she’s trying to drive me over the edge…and I myself have had the ideation of suicide…escaping this “world” of never ending dark clouds. I would never do it…I have two children and a husband who love me and need me…they keep me going.

    After having two kids, a teenager who is struggling with her own depression (it runs rampant in my family) and an 11 year old son with Aspergers, and my husband is currently struggling with situational depression, it’s all I can do to make sure I’m there for them. My sister-in-law has no children and has no idea what it’s like to raise even typical children, never mind special needs children. I have done everything and anything I can for my kids…going out of my comfort zone to get them the therapy and help they need and I believe they are doing very well considering. But in her eyes, I am still a good for nothing wife and mother. Sorry to go on so much…it just really hurts and most days I break down in tears and can’t stop just thinking about how she thinks of me…you know when your brain just won’t shut up? I am a good person who is just trying to live my life the best I can with what I have.

    I didn’t ask for this illness…it’s been there my whole life and got worse after I had kids. Life got very overwhelming. I don’t understand how someone can be so hateful and judgemental when they have no idea what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes.

    Thanks for listening…stay strong everyone.

    • chris says:

      i know exactly how you feel.
      i always tell myself:
      at sometime in my past, things were better
      at sometime in my future, things will be better
      there are things i still want to accomplish
      there are people who still depend on me
      there are still things i want to accomplish and need to do
      i want to see the future
      i want to meet new people
      i want to make a difference
      i *have* made a difference in the world
      the world *needs me* to make another difference
      even if these are small, they can have a great impact
      size and scope is not important, *one person* is just as important as a million
      i will help someone today
      i will help someone tomorrow,
      and therefore i need to be here—
      i have bad words for those who say else (i’d use them here but i do not want my post to be blocked for using bad words)

      i am an honors student, an expert in my field, and i cannot keep a job for more than a year or two. i understand how you can simultaneously feel so competent (and have others wonder why you cannot be “professional”) and yet somehow not be able to maintain that every single day. most people are very myopic, un-empathetic, and often do not even wish to experience a moment in someone else’s shoes (because it will shake-up their own narrow reality of comfort)

      ignore those people, you do not need them in your life (infact, *they need you more*)

      push on, and do not give up. we are actually the strongest people in the world. all of the best leaders, inventors, artists, writers, mathematicians, engineers, etc… —all of them were depressed, bi-polar, or had some other mental disorder they had to hide and deal with. —–so you are in really good company!

      i am just like you, so i hope you do not think i’m just talking out of the side of my mouth.

      (how do you think i found this site? i typed “how not to die from depression” in google.)



      • Eeyore says:

        Well said Chris. Your words speak volumes…at the end of the day I always try to tell myself something positive I’ve done or even one good thing I’ve done for someone else that day. It may be something small, but if it makes me feel even a little better about myself then I’ve had a good day. One day at a time…

        • Irene says:

          I recently came out of a depression for the billionth time. I was being harassed and bullied at work by a manager and a few customers. I felt nothing but pain and extreme sadness that I tried taking my own life . I suffer from major depression and although I’m better I still don’t feel like my old self. I exercise everyday I am on a gluten free diet and I even lost weight. I feel like a part of me lost and can’t seem to find my way back home . What should I do?

          • Eeyore says:

            I understand Irene. I have also been struggling with depression and anxiety my whole life. And yes, sometimes it feels like there is no where to turn. I hope you have friends and family who are there for you. Have you seen a doctor and tried any meds or been to any kind of counselling? I did cognitive behaviour therapy and that seems to help somewhat. You just have to push on and try to find some kind of support. I know it seems extremely difficult, but when I am at a really low point and feel like that, I just take life one day, one hour at a time and try to think of the good things in your life, even if it’s just the small things. Depression sucks but we have to fight it the best we can! Take care of yourself, stay strong and know that you are not alone.

          • nochnoch says:


            if you are harassed and bullied at work by colleagues and customer, I would suggest you speak with your HR manager who would have experience on what to do. Harassement at work is a serious issue

            Noch Noch

          • soul sista nyc says:

            dear irene ~ i have been clinically depressed for almost 7 years. i felt too ashamed to talk about the suicidal thoughts i had every day…besides, every day (for 7 years!) i would tell myself i would make it go away…it wouldn’t. i lost everything. i hit bottom and i’m living in a shelter now. but i have healthcare and finally talked to my doctor and therapist about the suicidal thoughts. i felt such a relief. then i realized that it’s not normal.

            my doctor knew i didn’t want to take medication but said, here are two new medications. they are getting more more effective then ever. she said, research them and tell me if you want to try one. pristiq and another one i can’t remember the name of. i read over 50 reviews and people were saying they were feeling better from serious major depression in TWO TO THREE DAYS after taking Pristiq.

            i tried it. i took it at night and the very next day MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WERE GONE.

            i’m taking it slow but i feel myself lightening up sometimes after i few hours, i notice another improvement in my mood. i’m so grateful! I WILL HAVE A LIFE AGAIN.

            i just wanted to share my experience. food for thought anyway. i wish you the best no matter what you decide. you deserve to be happy.

      • nochnoch says:

        hi Chris

        Glad you stumbled upon me – and great point towards the end, depressed people are in great company, many great leaders do indeed have depression. We just need to find a way to express the competence inside us. and yes, i focus on “i want to help others’, it keeps me alive. We need to bear this in mind

        Noch Noch :)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Eeyore

      Whoa, sounds like you have a tough time, and with family and all. Would it help to not communicate with your sister-in-law? Or does your husband know about how you feel? You could also confront your sister-in-law? I am nto sure what is the best to do, but in my own case, I have had to stop communicating with some friends as a result :(
      but what she thinks of you should not have any bearing as to how you think of yourself. Sometimes, it’s important to focus on your only and put it bluntly, screw what others think. Everybody has their issues and don’t let others tell you how you should act or what you should do.

      Vent all you need
      Noch Noch

    • Bryan Bray says:

      Hi EEYORE, I kinda have the same problem.Im only 13 and I hope thats ok. I know I don’t have a lot of experience in life but I want to help people.I’m going to tell you what I would do. First, Ask your self. Do you really know your sister. She may be having depression problems to. I know that some people vent their problems on other people to feel better. She may not hate you but just doesn’t know what to do with her anger and depression.if she is like that then try to be patient and help her out.Try to forgive her and forget. Try to talkwith her. If she still is a jerk after you tried to help her out then I suggest to stay out of her life.

      If she is a jerk for no reason then tell her that she’s ruining your life. Show her this website.Also, you said that she doesn’t know you,well I have a whole school of kids who think I’m a nerd. My shield is that they don’t know me therefore they can’t judge me. That’s what should be your shield. I know It’s April now but I hope I helped.Good luck!

      • Eeyore says:

        Thanks Bryan! And no, I don’t mind at all that your 13. I also have a 15 year old daughter struggling with depression, so I really do understand. My sister in law does have some issues…but she is not willing to get any help because in her eyes she is “fine” and the sad thing is her husband enables her behaviour. We believe she has OCD and tries to control everyone and everything in her life. The whole family has been trying to reason with her and she will not listen to a word anyone says, denying what we all know is the truth, and she also spirals everything that is said to her out of control…it’s gotten to the point that even my husband is ready to give up. If a person is not willing to try and help themselves, no one else can do it for them. So, I’ve just decided that when she comes to visit I will not be attending. I do not need the added stress. If one day she decideds to get help and admit her problems, then great, if not, well…life goes on. I just know that I, nor the rest of the family, do not deserve to be treated the way we are by her. I know sometimes with my depression, I have a zero tolerance to anything negative and I blow up so easy, but I ALWAYS apologize if I know I’ve gone overboard and my husband and children understand. Emotions are a difficult thing to control when one struggles with and kind of mental illness because that irritability is always looming in the background, well, for me anyway. One day at a time and right now, I am actually doing better despite the many difficulties that are going on in my life.

        And don’t even listen to the kids at school! My son is 11 and has told me himself, “Mom, I’m a nerd, and I’m fine with it.” He’s one smart cookie. He love computers and science and he is a really good person, and I told him that all he needs to do, is do what he loves and be himself! I spent so much of my life trying to be someone I wasn’t. It took me a long time to realize that was one of the things making me feel so bad about myself. It’s a vicious cirlcle for sure! So Bryan, I think you absolutley have the right idea! If putting those shields up helps then great! Just be you and do what you love, be a good person and live a good life. You sound like a strong person, which is good because I see how hard it is to be a teenager these days…all the social media crap and what have you…ugh! Just stay strong always and let your light shine! Good luck to you as well Bryan, and thanks again for the comment! :o)

  151. Erica says:

    I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 15, and now I am 30. I have never seen a psychologist, though I have spoken to councilors through a church organization a few times. I have also practiced cognitive behavior therapy using books I purchased. It took me a very, very long time to realize I have depression (an actual, definable mental health problem) and not just something fundamentally wrong with ME, even though I still often wonder what IS wrong with me. Using CBT and prayer and other strategies, such as scheduling, exercising and eating well, I often feel better than I ever used to. What I don’t understand though, is that when depression comes again, it feels so much worse than before, like it’s been concentrated 100 times stronger. I feel such pain and isolation and fantasize about being dead–not with an intention of doing anything about it, but because I feel like it would relieve a huge burden from myself and especially from those I love. Even though I have often felt the emotions of sadness, worthlessness and self-loathing in the past, I’ve never felt it so suddenly and so intensely. Has anyone else had experience with this?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Erica

      I have the same experience. Each time the depressive episodes comes back it feels worse, and I feel worse in intensity for letting it happen again, and then letting myself spiral down even though I should know what to do with my CBT and all that. But now when it comes I embrace it and let myself feel the emotions – and ask myself, what happened recently to trigger such depressie episodes again? Maybe there are more changse in life I need? Maybe more un-lerning of habits? Maybe I am pushing myself too hard to get better that the body says, “wait a minute, take it slow”….

      Noch Noch

  152. dee says:

    I just feel like I’m dead already. I just go through the motions of life, and finding it increasingly harder to do.

    • Erica says:

      If you are not comfortable speaking to a councilor, pastor, psychologist or friend, then you might find it helpful to do an exercise I used when I was feeling at my very worst–like the world had fallen around me, I was a terrible, useless person, that I ruined all of my relationships, and I just wanted to hide from the world. It is called “3 blessings”, but if you’re not religious you don’t have to think of them as blessings, just maybe as good things, or hopeful things. The goal is to write down 3 things each day that are positive. Sometimes I couldn’t think of 3, so I only wrote one or two. They were often tiny things, such as I got to work on time, or someone said they liked my shoes, or I enjoyed watching a movie. Sometimes the third thing was that I had found two other positive feelings that day! Somehow over many days of thinking about the things that were positive, I started to feel hopeful again. My depression has never gone away completely,it’s a constant struggle to live with, but this exercise helped me enormously to get out of the deepest, darkest hole I had seen. I wish you all the best!

    • nochnoch says:


      Sorry to hear that – but we all know what you mean. There are also those walking depressed who are bordering on clinical depression. Maybe something in your life needs to change, or a new passion? or new environment? have you talked to anyone about your emotions lately? Write to us anytime

      Noch Noch

      • dee says:

        i have major depressive disorder and it’s the kind that is restiveness to treatment.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Dee

          May I know why you say its the kind resistant to treatment? What kind of characteristics make it so? I have not heard about that before so would like to learn more


  153. Dariana says:

    I just want to thank you, because you just wrote what I being trying ti explain to my own family. N it its true maybe all we need from them is to sit and let us cry or just listen. I’m really glad to know that out there is somebody who understand.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Dariana

      Many of us here all empathize what you go through. Feel free to send this article to your family. It is hard for us to communicate directly sometimes, and also misunderstandings cause rifts between those depressed and those who aren’t.

      Take care

  154. Mili says:

    Hi, I actually have had a recent heart to heart talk with a friend of mine and only after this talk did I realize that she could be suffering depression.
    I am so relieved that I did’nt actually say any of these things, but I did ask her if she ever thought of developing her spirituality (not necessarily religion).
    Anyways, I also mentioned that maybe instead of focusing on the stress of classes so much she could do something she actually enjoys, like join a club or a sport.
    But when I asked her about what she expected from me when she constantly spat out negative things (I admit I was ignorant and selfish and only thought of how annoying it was) she said she did not want advice, just that she wanted to have care and attention.

    The thing is, I’ve only known this girl for a couple of months, maybe three. Being freshmen in college, I want to make close friends and memorable experiences. This is too much for me to handle, in addition to all the stress (I am also an international student, which, I believe, makes it harder to be here).
    Reading this, I realized just how bad she is really doing. I worked on a lot of anxiety issues and negativity throughout high school, so being with her brings up a lot of old feelings.
    As much as I want to help, it just does damage to me being with her at the same time. I can’t help… So do I just deal with the bad company?
    I feel for her, I really do. But I’m so lost on what to do!
    If you could give me your advice… I would really appreciate it, or anyones advice!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Mili

      I appreciate that you want to help your friend and indeed, she needs a friend like you who would just care for her, sit and listen. But first and foremost, even though I have needed the care of such a friend, I suggest you take care of yourself first and not let the friendship become stressful for you. As much as you might hate to distance yourself, maybe you need to in order that you stay positive and not end up depressed. Best thing to do, is to see your college counselor and ask her what to do in these circumstances. Don’t try to force your friend to see a counselor, you could suggest it gently, but a lot of people in depression resist seeing psychologists – as did I. Stages of denial.

      Please take care of yourself first
      Noch Noch

      • Sue masters says:

        I have a friend who is depressed, and no matter what is said, things are taken out of context and grave misunderstandings occur. I do not wish to alienate myself against this friend, but do not know what to say either, as this friend does not open up much, so if I were to take the advice from previous posts and just sit and listen, it would be 2 people who just star at each other without talking.

        There must be something a friend can do other than listen to someone who will not talk to help them somehow?

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Sue

          Hmm, that’s a tough one. When someone doesn’t want to talk, I wouldn’t force them. It would have to be done in their time. What about asking the friend out for some activity that she used to like. Just a walk in the park. And yes, it could be done in silence, for maybe in his/her head, there is a lot of noise and thoughts and just need some space and quiet to clear out, but with supportive company like yours?


  155. sandy says:

    i am married from 1 year and half my husband is always depressed each month & half he would stay in bed like 3 days with barley food and not talking to anybody he had back injury than he did a surgery and fix his back and we do sex like once or twice a month i thought after surgery he will change now it have been like 5 months he did his surgery he is fine he is more depressed not even talking to me if i don t talk to him and it have been almost two month he didn t even hug me and when i touch him he is mad what should i do im so mad and he is transforming me his depression what should i do?& last time i told him if you don t change im leaving he wrote letter saying that he is going to kill himself what should i do?i love him but i don t know how much love will last or how much i can support this situation

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi sandy

      It sounds quite serious and I apologize for I cannot advise here for I am not a qualified psychologist. I suggest seeing a doctor about it – or there are online therapy / advice on Psych Central, Beyond Blue, Look OK Feeling Crap, APA websites

      Noch Noch

    • zhiv says:

      Hi Sandy. Often depression can become worse if the person suffering develops physical problems. Mental pain is bad enough, but add physical pain on top of that and it can become too much to bear. It’s not useful to offer ultimatums like ‘if you don’t change/get help then I’m leaving’, as that just puts more strain on the person who is barely coping as it is. NochNoch is right, see your doctor, and use the online resources she mentioned to find how you can better understand and support your husband. If he is still feeling the same way then it’s better to first educate yourself. Listen when he wants to talk, but don’t give advice, dismiss his feelings, argue or give ultimatums. Give him support and maybe mention this website as a place to come to find people who are suffering like he is.

      If he talks about suicide, don’t shut the conversation down. Talking with understanding about suicide doesn’t make a person go and kill themselves. Ask him what he’s planned to do to kill himself, and if he does have a concrete plan of where, when and how he’s going to kill himself, that gives you an indication of the seriousness of the situation. If his plans are not specific, then that may mean he’s just thinking about suicide, which is what people with depression do a lot. Listen to him without judging him. It’s important to validate his feelings. Encourage him to seek professional help, and also encourage him to do things to help himself, like visiting a mental health website like this one, or finding a mental health support group in your town. Don’t make him feel guilty, insignificant or stupid for being ill, and don’t suggest he ‘snap out of it’. You don’t need to know the reasons for his depression, you just need to acknowledge that he has depression.

      And please, please, take time out for yourself. It’s very important that you look after your own mental wellbeing, and time away from each other can help you both. So have a hot bath, go for a walk, talk to friends and family, do things that will help you feel good about yourself, and get support for yourself, so that you can effectively support your husband. One thing you mentioned was that your husband gets mad when you touch him. One of the symptoms of depression is hypersensitivity. Bathing, washing, brushing hair/teeth, being touched, etc, can cause physical pain to us. So while your husband gets angry at you touching him, it’s probably not because he doesn’t want you to touch him, it’s because it’s physically painful, and it’s nothing to do with his feelings for you.

      I hope you get to read this, even though it’s the end of April. Take care of yourself.

  156. I’m 52 years old bipolar. Because of my age I’ve had plenty of time to try different methods of dealing with depression. I pretty much gave up on it. Nothing works. I accept it and remind myself that the world isn’t really coming to an end. The feeling of impending doom is just that a feeling. It’s my feeling I own it. I just ride it out. I pray. Friends and family will never understand. I isolate. I stay away from people all together. They just piss me off. I have my computer and TV. I stock up on snacks and ride the storm out. If I start to lose control and have too many intrusive thoughts, I don’t hesitate to go to the hospital. I guess I’m lucky because I know when I’m becoming a danger to myself. I go to the psyche ward BEFORE I need stitches. :o)

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Johnny New Orleans

      Seems like you have it figured out – the best way to help yourself. I think we all have ways to deal with depression, and important to find ways that is best for us, so good for you – especially BEFORE you need stitches.

      Noch Noch :)

  157. PreferablyAnonymous says:

    Ugh, I hate when someone is willing to listen so you tell them that you’re depressed and/or want to commit suicide and they’re just like, “Why?” Bitch, how should I know?! So I tell them that (in a nicer way, of course) and they proceed with either of the abovementioned responses. It’s so annoying. And then they wonder why I don’t talk to them even after they mentioned I could talk to them. No, dumbass. You’re judgemental and you obviously take me for a lazy, useless idiot. So, I don’t want to hang out with you guys because you don’t even pay attention to me in the first place. Unless I were to make a toast or something of the sort. And then you point fingers at me saying it’s my fault that I don’t try to hang out with you guys. Well, I’m sorry for being scared of being criticized. And even when I’m having a good day and you guys are sort of paying attention to me, I’m always the one who has to try to get involved. If I didn’t, you guys wouldn’t even be talking to me.
    They piss me off. Ugh!

  158. Desdemond Ratcliff says:

    Sounds like a decent start, but maybe you should make it 15. Or 20. Who knows? Probably 30. Probably 50. Probably a lot more. Because “Why are you doing this to us?”, “There’s nothing wrong with you”, “You have nothing to be depressed about- we’ve given you everything.” “You’re killing your mother”, and “This is all in your head- so just stop it.” are definitely not on your list…

    Imagine my relief when my parents finally found a suicidal poem I had written (just one of hundreds- from years earlier, actually). I thought I would finally be offered help. Maybe now they might finally understand part of what was going on in my head. Maybe now I would be offered some sort of help. But no- all they did was blame me. It was MY FAULT I was depressed. And it was MY FAULT I wasn’t “normal” like my siblings…

    That was the day I wrote my parents out of my life completely. And yet they wonder why I want nothing to do with them…


    If you know a depressed person- don’t blame them. Because you will lose them- and they won’t even care. Believe me I know.
    Offer help.
    Offer guidance.
    Fuck it. Tell them what they want to hear- just as long as it makes them feel better.
    Offer whatever you can. Just don’t make them feel worse. Because if you do, they will never listen to you again. They are staring at the edge and looking for a reason to jump.

    For once just shut up and listen. Listen to every stupid reason they have. Their brain is working against them and they cannot understand it. JUST FUCKING LISTEN.

    Don’t pretend you understand- because unless you’ve been there- you don’t. They are ready to exit this life and you are all that’s stopping them (and if you’re lucky- for some reason they are trusting you). They just don’t give a flying fuck about any single thing. They have thought about death more than you have ever thought about life. They are ready to die and no one even knows.
    Stop being selfish and for once just LISTEN. That might make all the difference. Maybe they are actually done (in which case they probably wouldn’t tell you), but maybe they are just looking for someone to stop them.

    If they didn’t actually care they wouldn’t be telling you. They would have died all alone in the the middle of the night.


    • soul with a hole says:

      I thank you for the realisation that

      I am not alone
      At home I’m clawing
      Family putting me on a throne

      In silence
      Your rage
      Engraves your soul
      Till its filled with holes

      Home no longer home
      Is remaining alone

    • Eeyore says:

      Wow…well said…you hit it bang on! You should write a friggin book…I would buy it for all my family and friends to read!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Desdemond

      Yes, maybe need more to add to the list… Have you shown your parents the list?
      Are you also seeing a therapist? Maybe the therapist can help explain to your parents.
      BUt what you describe is so real. My friend committed suicide three years ago and we were all shocked. And that’s how it happens.

      Noch Noch

  159. Al says:

    I believe friends & family are really important in such situations; my personal experience taught me that this is an enemy so hard to defeat alone.
    For me it all started back when I was practically a kid at 11. It started with some family crisis, but considering my complicated mind (even back then I used to read books authored by Kafka, Camus, Sartre & …), it soon became something much darker and sinked into my head much deeper. To be honest, I dealt with most of my problems through the years, but no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t stop thinking that my life’s completely absurd. I’m 25, I’ve got a M.Sc. in Engineering and yet I can’t stop thinking of myself as a complete loser! A total waste of air! And I can’t tolerate when people say I should be thankful of the nature for my talents! I mean this talent is the initial reason, I’m so depressed & to be honest, it’s the only reason why I have not committed suicide so far.
    The only time, I can suppress the sense of pain I feel inside myself is when I’m deep in hard work & right now, I’m most vulnerable as I’ve been idle for the past few months as I’m waiting for the next phase of my life to start & everything’s out of my hand right now. I feel like I’m losing control of my life &myself.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Al

      Thanks for sharing your experience. So you mean you have to keep busy to distract yourself? I sometimes have to do that too. It sucks, coz in the down time I feel even worse. But I’m slowly learning to find a balance and not abuse myself. One day at a time

      Noch Noch

  160. Julie says:

    If only everybody would read this.
    I’m suicidal (thoughts,attempts) I’ve told people about it and yeah they said about everything you listed here and more. Usually things like why? Why are you thinking of suicide!? Whats wrong with you?
    You just feel even more shit after a talk like that.

    • soul with a hole says:

      You are left with the question

      Is it me
      Is it them
      Are they talking non sense
      Or is it me instead

      A head filled with more rubbish
      Than me gran’s shed
      Then friends & family
      Wanna add the nonsense
      In there judgemental head

      I heard better advice on the sleeping tablet packets
      Think I will take one
      I’m going to bed

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Julie

      We understand you here, come and vent whenever you need to!
      Noch Noch

  161. LoyalLady says:

    I’ve had mental anxiety disorder my whole life. Depression just comes with the package. I take xanax for the anxiety/panic. My body doesn’t agree with depressions meds. I have tried many, was even prescribed a liquid children’s dose I had to dilute and it still caused me to have really bad side effects.
    So as a very young child I obsessed over “Is everything off?” Before we would all leave the house as a family. I would walk through and make sure the faucets, iron, stove/oven, curling iron, etc was off. My fear of the house flooding or catching fire was extremely irrational. I carried a bookbag that had my prized possessions and an extra outfit just in case. As an adult, a parent even, I have to wonder WHY did my parents not see I needed help? If my daughter even remotely showed signs of mental illness like that I would seek professional help for her.
    As a teen my panic attacks became disabling. The feeling of death by heart attack. My Mom would make it 10x worse. Angrily stating “It’s all in your head!”. Well, maybe that’s where the root of the problem is but the pain in my chest and the numbness in my face & arms were very real. I felt hopeless, doomed to live a live mentally trying to make it to the next day.
    In my mid 20’s I decided to finally force myself to find treatment.(I wasn’t on meds or diagnosed at that time.)

    • LoyalLady says:

      I owed it to my toddler to atleast try though. It’s hard pulling yourself out of bed, showering, doing simple tasks when you feel miserable and just want to sleep. I was blessed with a really happy baby/toddler… always laughing. She gave me purpose. Once I started on the xanax I felt safe. Not that the depression was gone… but I had a magical pill to prevent the disabling panic/anxiety. That helped me get out of the house. Start working again with confidence. Still no one but my counselor seemed to understand me. If I trusted someone enough to explain, it only made me feel like a weirdo. My couselor was heaven sent though. She pushed me to succeed, she reminded me that I was just as entitled to the life I want as anyone else. She helped motivate me and find an apartment for my daughter and I. She helped me come to realize that my Mom’s hateful remarks were signs of her being depressed and just wasn’t healthy for someone like me to be subjected to daily.
      I was finally happy!
      Now at 31 I am married. We dated for 1 1/2 years, been married for a little over a year. It’s a nightmare. He is mentally, verbally and was physically abusive. Never once showing signs of that while dating. He calls me a weirdo when I have panic/anxiety attacks. Which is often because I am so stressed. He has never tried to understand mental illness even though its obvious he has plenty. He doesn’t want me working, I’ve gained weight. I cannot pull myself together. I don’t want a divorce but I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I hit at the casino(a guilty pleasure I sneak off to do about 1x a month) and with some of that $ I bought him & I a gym membership. It’s been 2 months and I haven’t been. He has been so negative and unsupporting of it. What the heck is wrong with me? As weak as I may sound, I have always been a strong woman in relationships… why in the world am I tolerating this? I’m logical but I cannot find any reason I choose to stay married.
      Not sure what I expect by posting… but thanks for giving me a spot to tell MY story.
      I hope we all eventually find the happiness we deserve… xoxo

      • nochnoch says:

        Loyal Lady

        That’s what this comment board is for – for you to vent, and to know that there are others like you. Sorry to hear of your plight, I am sorry I don’t know how to help about your marriage situation, perhaps your therapist who helped you before could be of better use. Though perhaps all you wanted is to tell your story. We heard you, we are here for you. I hope you also find the happiness you deserve

        noch Noch

    • nochnoch says:

      Loyal Lady

      Good job on finding treatment -that’s the first step to overcoming your difficulties, and don’t rush it, it might all take time. I think our parents didn’t see that we need help because they were not educated to see the signs. I think I had periods of depression and chronic fatigue in high school but my parents also did not see that. We have more access these days to information. I can’t blame them really. And I have learnt to let go of a lot of bitterness.

      How are you doing these days?

      Noch Noch

  162. Eve says:

    All the things here are so true!!! They are exactly how I feel !!!

  163. Rose says:

    I’m 19, and like most of you I think I’m experiencing depression. For years, I’ve been in this state where everything feels empty and dull and tiring. I thought at first that maybe I feel tired because I usually do not sleep well, but even with 12 or so hours of sleep, I still feel the same. I’ve never gone to a psychiatrist and I’ve visited a guidance counselor a few times, but she gave me every item in your list of things that you shouldnt ever say to a depressed person. It made me feel hopeless. But I guess, it helps a bit to know that I’m not the only one who feels utterly lost, frustrated and angry when people tell you these things. I hate to say it, but it sucks because I confide in these people with my depression and they come at me like I grew 8 more heads. Anyway. I’m sorry for ranting. Thanks, really. This helped.

    • nochnoch says:


      no problem Rose, rant all you want. If you found your therapist unhelpful, can you try another one? Or speak to an online counselor at Psych Central, Beyond Blue, Black Dog Tribe, Look Ok Feeling Crap etc? They might be able to empathize better…

      Noch Noch

  164. Roberto says:

    I feel depressed so many times in my life, but i never looked for a doctor.

    As a poor guy, i couldn’t do college because i need to work to eat and help my family (mom don’t work and my dad have a tiny pub), i could not let the depression take over me.

    Because of this i really can’t understand you people.

    Many ask for help, but you don’t help anyone, so i don’t think is fair asking without giving back anything.

    Anyone can help someone, if you can’t be compared with someone who struggles to eat (something that you don’t), you can help them, and maybe help yourself for being helpful to someone.

    I think giving some easter egg for my son and seeing how he is happy about that 150g candy give me strength to live on and stray from the will to jump on front of some random car.

    PS: Sorry for my bad english, im brazillian and cant speak english properly.

    • soul with a hole says:

      Hello Roberto,

      I hope I can offer you support

      Feeling down is substantially different to a diagnostic of depression, whilst you had difficulties with certain elements of your life be assured that this is in no way the same as depression given that you did not have the need to consult a doctor

      Allow me to offer you a comparison to help understand

      Imagine you had a cold you would get a combination of symptoms:

      headache,sore throat, bad stomach, loss of appetite, vomiting, weakness, sweating, dizziness, fatigue and problems with memory and concentration.

      Neuro virus same symptoms clearly a completely different condition

      Mayalgic Encephalomyelitis same symptoms clearly a completely different condition

      Cancer same symptoms clearly a completely different condition

      Feeling down can have similar symptoms to depression, Mayalgic Encephalmyelitis, Cancer and hundreds of different clinically diagnosed conditions

      When you felt down the times you described in your blog would you tell a suffer of M.E or Cancer that you felt the same as them?

      People with Depression like people with a Cold, M.E or Cancer

      Did not ask for it
      Do not want it
      Do not want pity
      Do not know how to stop it
      Do not know what to do about it

      Every individual is different and what type of Depression, stage of M.E or type of Cancer they have brings completely different ways of fixing the illness / condition

      What is written on the internet is not for everyone, every case s different.

      Every condition / illness affects every individual differently and on different levels …Physically, Mentally & Emotionally … and will depend on many different factors

      Sex of a person, Religion, genes, upbringing, status, support network and current relationships or lack of.

      I could go on and on

      I would hope you would think about the phrase ‘YOU PEOPLE’ in the hope that in the future there is hope that humans as individuals as they were would not judge so easily as yourself about a subject you were unable to grasp as there will be many different reasons for your lack of knowledge about the world you live in


      A good friend always told me “There is no such thing as a stupid question, only the one you did not ask”

      Feel free to drop me a message whenever you would like ,, I will always respond to a QUESTION :-)

      In my experience humans with an unfortunate illness such as depression, M.E and Cancer are proven to be the most compassionate, people are blessed to meet as there understanding, ability to relate, strength, determination and knowledge are qualities from within with traits of a teacher will forever continue to try and educate those that are less fortunate.

      I have a question for you Roberto if you care to answer

      Why did you state at the beginning of your message ‘I feel depressed many times in my life”

      ‘because of this i really don’t understand YOU people’

      Are you not one of these people you refer to as YOU people?


      Can you admit you have no idea what it is like to be depressed?

      Food for thought

      Look forward to hearing from you Roberto



      • Tortured Mind says:

        Soul with a hole:

        I have to say I agree in some ways with Roberto. I suffer and I’m tortured by one of my parents that is depressed. Regardless of what I say it is all wrong…

        Read the top ten reasons and tell me again you do not want pity and you do not know how to stop it… I can tell you that yes we don’t necessarily understand you but we are doing the best we can and know how. To say that we don’t help is so UNFAIR from you depressed people… you act like it’s owed to you that because of such we need to treat you different… what wrong in saying ““Look at how lucky you are already! Be thankful” ???? THink about it… nothing!!!! Yet it’s in the list of things not to say? What’s wrong in telling someone “You should try to go out, do something different?”, what’s wrong with that???? So yes, you want some pity, some martyr like support…

        Meanwhile it’s ok for a parent to constantly torture his family that we don’t understand while you refuse help, you refuse trying new things, etc.??? How is that ok??? We are equaly baffled and depressed by you all reactions to us trying to help the best we know how. We never get recognition for that just more hatred that we don’t help you in the manner you want… well sometimes what you want and what you need are two very different things.

        I ahve been to seminars to try to understand better and both the main speakers in totally unrelated events said that their depression stopped with THEY CHOSE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE not while everybody else was enabling them to remain the way they were and giving them all that they wanted.

        Remember… when they CHOSE by themselves it had to stop and change, by forcing themselves to think about the positive, about having a glass half full and not half empty, then things started to naturally align… LAW OF ATTRACTION.

        To think about… we, the “not-depressed” people are not as bad as you think! Give us a break once in a while…

        I know people that in their worst stages of CANCER never acted like they were entitled to their “Oh poor me attitude” the way depressed people do when you have so much more on your side, and not a death sentence like some CANCER patients do.

        There are two side to every story… it is fair to say when your depressed you don’t see things objectively and clearly. So keep an open mind… we are not all so bad… and some responsibility lies in the patient that refuses to do anything for themselves to get better in every kind of illness, not just the depressed.

      • Roberto says:

        First of all, thanks for the answer, right now im feeling better by knowing someone would at least read something i write, again, thanks.

        And i start saying that i have little knowledge about the depression disease, a not-that-close-friend of mine has it and i only know about it from what i past with him and his family, i must say that they are rich people, and as many famous and rich (by rich i mean people that could eat and live well without working by themselves, just with the money their family earns) people suffers with it, i only have two lines of thought, or we poor (by poor i mean people that work and earn the “salário mínimo” here im Brazil, its like the least somebody should earn in a month of work 650R$ that’s like 325$) are immune to it or we strive so much to live that we can’t really feel that have it.

        Even after what you said, about symptoms and as i read others saying, chemical imbalances, i really think that no one is so poor that can’t help any other and that no one has the right to oblige other to his problem just because he have them, one thing i learned in my life is that everyone has problems, yours are not bigger than mine (from both point of views, clearly) so i think everybody should work together for the well being of everyone, respecting their problems and needs, and not thinking “my problem is bigger than yours so you have to be kind to me and listen” of course.

        What i’m trying to say is that showing me the proof of your disease don’t justify your having a harsh attitude to others just because you’re “sick”, as, from my point of view, if you’re good of mind to know that much about your sickness, to blog, to make poetry and recite about how beautiful would be your body after jumping from a 1,046-foot building (chrysler, rofl) you’re good enough for many things.

        And what i was trying to say in my first post wasn’t that i don’t “respect” depressed people, but else, that there is SOOOO many people suffering about it, but simply can’t are not allowed to do so, because they have the conscience that others depend on them and can’t let themselves down. Of course, many depressed might even kill they children with themselves if they are that twisted, but i think that many win that fight with the disease (of course not the physical one) without ever really know they ever had it.

        PS: When i said “you people” i mean those who really are diagnosed(is that word right?) with the disease, as like you said, and probably, i just feel myself bad at times. And when I’ve said the word “depressed” referring to me, was because its common in Portuguese to say that you’re “deprimido” when you’re feeling down so i thought the same could be said in English (which proved to be wrong, sorry).

        Thanks for all and have a nice day.

    • nochnoch says:

      No problem about the English, Roberto. I am happy to hear that you find strength to carry on with your son as motivation and you found ways to help yourself out of depression. People could have different degrees of depression and some of them need help and guidance. It takes a while before we get to a point where we believe we can help others for the depressed thoughts consume all our energy. IT would be great of you to help those who have not the strength yet to help themselves
      Noch Noch

  165. soul with a hole says:

    Unfortunately Tourched mind you have had a very sad experience with your parents depression and I feel deeply for your misfortune.

    In response to your views, I would like you to understand from my point of view I was simply trying to say that not every depressed person should be judged by yourself and Roberto from the depression you were subjected to as a child and whatever experience Roberto has had with actual depression.

    There are many forms of depression and unlike your parents not every depressed person does hurtful selfish things to others, it sounds like your parents possibly had other issues as well as depression therefore your anger and negativity in your message appear very personal. I understand how hard this must be to change your mindset on depression similar to how it is hard to change any persons mindset on anything unless they want to.
    So maybe I should suggest to you to move past your past and maybe entitle your next book ‘positivity from my pessemistic past’
    In the hope that you have a future and income away from depression.

    I never implied that some depressed people don’t deal with things the way you are explaining, my main concern to Roberto and only Roberto mind was that it is not right in my opinion to call people with depression YOU PEOPLE similar to the colour of someone’s skin etc.

    When you phrase the term “YOU PEOPLE” you then appear to show a very judgemental view of depression sufferers, as the the phrase may be viewed as derogitory similar to those who share views of what may be viewed as racist, sizeist or or those whom display open forms of prejudice in “ring fencing” people based upon hearsay or very limited personal experience .

    E = mc2

    Everything is relative :-)

    My definition of depression and experience with depression is quite obviously different to yours, I would like to emphasis that I am stating an opinion and neither opinion is greater than any others opinion, I am mearly exercising my right, to my own.

    That’s all :-)

  166. […] came across this site… the other day and it has an article (written by someone with depression) on what to not say. One […]

  167. […] like no one else understands what you are going […]

  168. Mo'men says:

    very nice to find someone who understands how i feel , i also feel like i want to destroy a mountain

  169. Mark Welsh says:

    -Well- by what is written in here mostly- You all are not going to like what I have to say-

    I am one of an Irish Catholic family of 12 siblings- Dad suffered WW2 PTSD- no one knew- But his drinking and drugs use told you he was crazy- along with the beatings- molestation of his daughters- abandonment and any other Frank McCork type description you can imagine- Mom was not much better- Family broke apart and came together several times- Abuse / neglect continued- Expressed by the children through- drug abuse- fanatic religious conversions- multiple family members being murdered in bad relationships- accidental deaths- death from self neglect and indifference-
    It was- bad- to say the least-
    Suicide seemed the logical and intelligent choice around 20- But something told me No- There is another way- Evolution programs life to succeed- I must have that in me some where-
    I began my search- with much encouragement form caring souls,repeated dedication and commitment and resistance to giving into depression,it’s seductively comfortable embrace and self justified reasonings- I found a way, to literally get on top of my thinking – I found a way to guide my brain out of it’s PTSD conditioning. It took years and lots of learning how to literally, change my mind- Its no secret how- Buddhist monks as well as many others have long known methods for focusing the mind towards balance for thousands of years.
    Ultimately I had to face myself and my pain- make a space for it within my heart to let my pain guide and teach me that I may help others do the same- Becoming a source of illumination, understanding and to some degree… of mastery. Though I was crippled by depression- as a young man- Through creative practice that produced even the smallest results that could be gently fanned into a flame, I learned how to become, happy and stave off depression. I learned which thought processes triggered depressive or non depressive brain chemistry. There were lots of setbacks. There were lots of catching myself indulging in depression or self criticism as a way to hide from life’s difficulties. But I did find, first hand, you can master depression, but the work must & can be done, ultimately by you and you only, though much assistance and encouragement is needed. I’d have to say the biggest factor that reinforced any discovered skills to stick, was helping others learn how to do the same. It is the ultimate expression, that we are worthy, that this is possible and that compassion can overcome anything.
    I say this, without judgment. We all have way more power than you can possibly imagine to reprogram ourselves. A giant leap for me, being a meditator, was learning that happiness, was a by product of meditation not the goal. That flipped everything around for me. Understanding, happiness came & went and was not to be held onto, forced me to turn and face my suffering and learn to use it as a tool to increase my awareness and commitment to stay, literally, “awake” and hold my mind in the light of understanding. That one can learn first hand how your mind functions, and how to direct it to assist you, not resist you. I learned, despite how horrific my childhood was and how justified my depression was by all clinical, bio chemical or theraputic definitions, the need to become one less contributor to what I came to see as a collective depression, was my goal. If I was to add my one small voice to champion being realistically positive, optimistic and forward thinking, while looking negativity directly in eye , depression was NOT an option. In a way, my depression became my greatest teacher and tool and as unbelievable as this may sound, I felt blessed for what the affliction brought me to understand about being fully human.
    I do not mean to make anyone feel they are not trying hard enough, or not being willful enough or in any way shaming anyone. This is a life long task demanding many varying methods as circumstances dictate,day to day. But being, happy, and learning to live with depression as an ally is entirely possible. I am 60 now, with a loving wife and family, a thriving business and more passion than I have time to use. All this while seeing the injustice, the inhumanity, the insanity the indifference and suffering.

    I stand toe to toe with all that and say- I will not lay down to depression!!!! I will stand for love, light and understanding!!!!!!
    I am worthy- We are worthy!

  170. carina says:

    Hi Nochnoch

    I really love this post. Every word you have written was exactly what i dread people say to me. I just can’t help but smile while reading this because this somewhat gives proof that i’m not a lunatic at all. i’m just so damn tired of telling them that i don’t know why i am depressed. I JUST AM. period. i know family and friends mean well but for the love of God, your questions aren’t helping. It’s like they’re even helping me get stuck in this rut.
    Good stuff Nochnoch. Just what i needed. keep it up

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Carina

      THank you – we all need some reassurance that we are not alone. I hope you will continue your journey to find out more about yourself through depression, and one day be able to take control of this illness

      Come here whenever you need to vent!
      Noch Noch

  171. Lila says:

    I stumbled across your list tonight while searching for guidance on how to respond to an email a friend sent me this morning. While reading your list, I laughed and cried because it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And, sad because I’ve completely isolated myself – in part, because I am ashamed and don’t want to be a burden. And, in part, because it became too hard to deal with the intense loneliness that followed failed conversations.

    Maybe i found this site tonight to provide guidance on my response to her. I don’t trust my emotions and responses right now. I’d love any guidance. I’ll try to keep it short..

    A long time friend (20+ years) who was my best friend in college and many years after, reached back out to me after 6 months of silence. We haven’t lived near each other in 10+ years, but were there for weddings, kids, girls trips. Over the last 2 years, she initiated all communications and I rarely returned calls or emails. I was deeply depressed and negative. Her life has been much different – simpler, healthier and more stable. Mine has been troubled – some of my own doing, but most not. It became hard to talk to anyone, but especially hard to talk to her. (A lot of the types of comments above + she felt entitled to lecture me – although I know she meant well.)

    When I did talk with her, it was brief and superficial although I did tell her (as did my family) that I was struggling with severe depression.
    6 months ago I hurt her by not communicating. Since then, I’ve texted, emailed, called and posted on FB. Nothing from her.

    A few days I got this email

    “I know I’ve been non-communicative. I’m still feeling hurt, a little bit angry, but mostly just confused…but I am still here for you. I gather you are still going through some crap, but *nobody* has a perfect life, and the older we get, the more complex it all seems. It’s hard to feel like you’ve lost someone you’ve been connected to for 20+ years, even though lives take us elsewhere.”

    My response:
    “I am happy you emailed. Believe it or not, I spent about an hour picking out a card for you this week – trying to find the right one (before you emailed). You have been on mind, just about every day.

    I understand why you are angry, hurt and confused. I am sorry. You haven’t lost me. I am here and I miss you a lot.

    I am still going through crap, and I’ve isolated myself. I don’t really like myself or feel worthy of having friends. I feel like a burden to people and feel like I am doing them a favor by dropping out of their lives. It’s not you, it’s me.

    This summer I had every intention of visiting you when I went to XX. Then, the trip didn’t go as planned. I ended having to stay at my client’s site for an extra day and a half. My flight was delayed, then rescheduled for the next day, and then there was family drama. Before I realized it the days were gone and I hadn’t called. I felt terrible and avoided dealing with it.

    I am truly sorry. Please find a way to forgive me. I miss you and would like to reconnect when you are ready.

    Love you always, X!

    Today, from her, I got this email which has upset me terribly. I am not sure if I just want to cry and disappear out of shame & guilt or yell at her because her assumptions are wrong – she doesn’t have any idea what my “crap” is right now and hasn’t for a long time. And, she has not seen my daughter in 5 years.

    “”Thanks for responding. I really worry about you, and especially XXX. I know having such little security/consistency in your lives has got to take its toll. Is there any way you can make a change? A big change? A fresh start? I just feel like you’ve had so little stability in your lives and she’s at such a crucial formative age right now.

    I don’t want to lecture or preach, but please know that I’m HERE if you need me. I do appreciate pulling away when you don’t want to pull others down with you. Totally get that. But keep in mind that I am long-distance, so it’s not like I’m a person that sees/hears your day-to-day trials and that you’d “bother” me at all. Sometimes an outsider (who happens to have known you for more than half your life!) can have a different perspective…

    I’m here and want to stay in touch, but it has to go both ways, k?

    Love you,””

    I’m hurt that she didn’t ask what was going on. I feel hurt and ashamed and guilty that she thinks 1.) I am screwing up my daughter and 2.) that I am too dumb to be acutely aware of how my depression could impact my daughter. Being a good mom is the best thing I do. i am not saying that my issues are transparent, but I know I am a good mom.

    For me, the note lacks empathy or interest. I don’t want to push her away – as she says we’ve been connected half our lives. How can I let her know I’m hurt and this approach isn’t helpful without alienating her. A HUGE part of me just wants to say something childish like, “and, this is why I don’t talk with you”. I kinda stink at regulating my emotional responses. I want to do the right thing. I don’t want to feel guilty after responding. I do need friends, but I need ones that lift me up, not bring me down.

    Thoughts? Thanks!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lila

      Thanks for your message
      Why don’t you just write what you wrote here to her, and explain why you were hurt in a rational and steady way?

      If you find friends drag you down, you might want to reconsider whether to stay in touch with them. I had to lose a few friends in the process of my depression and still today I sift through them. some of them really drag me down too. And i can’t handle it as I am not strong enough yet in myself.

      Noch Noch

  172. Mark Welsh says:

    Something else I found helpful overtime. In my early 30’s my mentor, a meditator of 40+ years taught me your thought processes can be fueled with different kinds of energy, like differing octane’s of gas for cars. He would ask me, “what is the source of your thought processes”… meaning, be aware of what energy centers in the body your using to drive your though processes. The chakras of the body have long been known to spark certain qualities in our thoughts,from the base chakra at the bottom of the spine driving fight or flight survival instinct, to the next chakra , being the sexual center driving certain thoughts, up the spine through the emotional center, heart, throat ,third eye and crown center at the top of the head where our spiritual center and highest “octane” of energy originates.
    I speak of this because we can use these various energies to build our thoughts, mostly humans use emotional energy to drive our thinking and emotional energies tend to have a sticky quality to them as they tend to love being in motion or stimulated, be it good , bad, happy sad. Very easy to get caught up in over and over and over, like depression. In fact, our minds are much like a walking path of soft soil .The more you walk a given path , the deeper the rut you create. That is why as a young man , I eventually became afraid of my own mind or even using it , as the frequent paths I had created using depressed emotional energy were so deep , I literally fell into them when forced to have to use my mind. I did not have enough diversity of paths in my thoughts to travel, that would offer perspective to my depressed thinking from another vantage point in my interior life. My depression became the ONLY point of reference to viewing the world.
    Understanding that I could choose what kinds of energy to drive my thoughts gave me confidence I could control my tendency to fall into depression. For instance, intellectual energy, is of a much different quality than emotional energy in reasoning. If you have a math or engineering challange, you must use calm analytical thinking to inspect the intricacies of a problem, and I would notice my depression would vanish as I would stop using emotional energies based in anger, sadness, lust, desire, resent, etc etc. to drive my thinking. Now, I didn’t understand how this escape from depression happened back then until my teacher guided me understand how to achieve this upon command. But now I do, much like once you understand a recipe for baking a cake you can successfully repeat the process.
    So basically, I learned how to shift my energy source for driving my thoughts. And, if my mind was more free of emotional turmoil, it did not have the tendency to overwhelm me as even you own mind has it’s limits to being unaffected by a very basic principal of the laws of physics-

    – An object in motion, tends to stay in motion, until it meets resistance.-

    Our emotions, and out thinking can gain such momentum as to stay in motion and each time we go to use it , it can gain momentum, as we unintentionally exaserbate the ruts we have created.

    A very interesting experiment was conducted once where by participants in a study of PTSD involved exposing people to disturbing imagery to moniter reactions and gather data. However, as the testing progressed, researchers found the subjects could not move from one stage of the test to the next as the previous test was so disturbing to some subjects they could not free themselves from the momentum of emotional and intellectual energy the disturbing imagery had generated in their minds, much like a tidal wave after an earth quake. To be able to continue the testing and scientific experimentation the researchers hit upon this solution. They had the test subjects , after a particular session, pick a random huge number that they held in their mind and then subtracted the number 14 from reducing the original number over and over and over as they held the numerical image in their mind. This literally purged the rut of emotional reaction, so they could proceed to the next test.

    So we can protect ourselves from our minds overwhelming us as well as our emotions. Mostly by limiting our sessions of interacting with them to a finite time frame. I often tell my mind, when it presents me with a serious issue of very real and justified concern, be it from the past, related to the present or concerning the future… I literally tell my mind , very gently , yet firmly , ” This is an important issue that I will address at…. then I give my self a time frame of when and for how long– Say tonight at 8PM for 1 hour- I will dwell on this– Right now- What I am doing is the most important issue at hand- and Your mind, having been assured, it’s concerns are valid and justified, will learn to stop pressuring you to pay attention RIGHT NOW- like the brat it can be-

    We have more control than we know- Depression does not have to control us- I often have thought depression is really an ocean of individual issues that have never been addressed in their proper time frame and they wash over us. But we can isolate each concern and deal with them one by one.


    I still had my emotional issues, but I had wiggle room now to be able to deal with the issues individually, issue by issue,not deluged

  173. Ann says:

    I wonder if you know how it feels from the other side of the fence. My heart is broken. I can’t breath. I can’t think about my daughter’s pain without crying. I can’t sleep for fear that the minute I do I will be awakened with news that my daughter is dead. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I can’t eat. AND I fear that the one thing that comes out of my mouth will be the wrong thing. That I will be the deciding factor. That everything and nothing I do will be the thing that causes it. I am lose and alone and not strong enough. I am on the other side of depression looking in. I would take her pain. I would end my life. I would do anything to make her pain go away.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Ann

      I don’t personally know how it feels but I can sympathize, for I also watched my husband take care of me and his frustrations and anxiety as you have portrayed. I can imagine how hard it is to communicate with your daughter, especially as she might not know why she is feeling such strong emotions at the same time. My husband went to see my therapist with me and learnt about my illness, and also how to deal with me specifically. I don’t know your situation but suggest you could speak with a counselor on how to handle your daughter’s pain, so it doesn’t become also your pain

      Thank you for taking care of your daughter.
      Noch Noch

  174. Lm says:

    If i can kill myself.i will kill it hurt too much.i cant take it anymore.i give some hint to my friend,i cant take it anymore.i dont know what to do.there is no it become more worst.
    I feel like im in a very dark and far away place.
    When i stop talking,they didnt help me instead accused me for making someone unhappy.
    I just want to be alone.stop everything.i want to go somewhere where i just shut this world behind me.

    • Mark Welsh says:

      Wanting to destroy ones self is obviously a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

      If you knew it was possible that happiness would return someday, would you really want to end all possibility of that happening again? What I really wanted when I was most depressed, was to be able to forget myself- Not end myself- I felt I had lost the ability to loose myself in activities, like when I was a child- spinning in circles- thinking about candy- Or running and playing with friends for what felt like endless summers- I wanted that – Not ending myself- But out of desperation suicide seemed like a way out- or a way of getting my own way. I wanted to not be so aware of ME- and my feelings- and thoughts- I felt the center of the universe with no way to turn away from me- it hurt so bad.

      But as I grew older, and had to fend for myself as an adult- without knowing how- my depression grew worse & worse- I wanted to be a child again- In fact I demanded it from GOD- NOW!!!! The more passion I wished to not be here- the more painful being here became- It was like I was holding my own breath to get my way- and then feeling terrified I was running out of air. I was hurting myself and blaming GOD and everything else- when really – it was me making things worse-

      Yes I did have problems I did not know how to fix- Yes I had painful emotional memories and problems I did not understand- Yes I did need some one to hold and nurture me like I should have been as a child so I would have a stronger heart and knew to love myself and give myself a break once in a while-
      But my life did not happen that way and there was no going back to get it- I had to face that and stop demanding my own way and start to trust my suffering had to be felt and worked with before I would get a handle on it and learn ways to find relief from it –

      – One thing that helped me- I read an essay about offering up my suffering to God- and offering up more importantly- my RESENT- to God- My resent at having this put on me drove my depression deeper- SO I worked with that- I offered up my suffering and resent- and asked for help and strength to come from inside me- Or to be guided to those who could help me-

      It became one of the ways I used to help manage depression- It did not mean I never felt depressed- But I began to see- Which parts of my depression were from things beyond my control and which were in my control-

      I began to see- Yes I was deeply depressed- But some of that depression was from me not taking care of myself- Even something as simple as going to the dentist- I remembered choosing to go get a tooth fixed after putting it off too long and – bang! a small degree of my depression lifted right away- like I showed myself – I cared about myself- So I wondered how much of my depression was because I was making things worse- By giving in to the depression caused by childhood issues I did not know how to get over yet-

      It was a beginning of how to get over myself–Or- To forget myself-

      Later in life I met my wife- She told me a story about her grand mother who taught her-
      When you are feeling blue about yourself- Go do something nice for someone in need-

      It was her way of loosing yourself in lifting others out of their suffering-

      When you feel like it least- help others suffering worse than yourself-

      It’s another tool – that can work some times-

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lm

      we understand how you feel – have you spoken to a psychologist or counselor about this? It sounds like you are in lots of pain. None of us here are qualified doctors so cannot really give you advice but hope you can find someone to talk to – you can try speaking to online counselors at Psych Central, Beyond Blue, Look OK Feel Crap…

      Hope this helps

      Noch Noch

  175. Ashley says:

    Thank -you so so much for this article. I have suffered with clinical chronic depression for 40 years. This article helped more than meds, hospitals and therapists! I can now understand and accept myself better amd I’m giving this article to my Psychiatrist, therapist and family.
    Thank you, Thank-you and Thank-you for writing this article. You are funny too. I believe there is a lot more you can do for the Mental Health Community!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Ashley

      Haha – I am glad you caught the humour / sarcasm behind the article. I had hoped it could come off a bit “light hearted” instead of too instructive. I am glad this has helped you and hope you will continue to stay strong in your experience of depression

      Noch Noch

  176. Rainbow says:

    Reading that others feel as misunderstood, tired, overwhelmed, and alone as I do is somewhat comforting. I say somewhat because, really not much is comforting when you are depressed.

  177. BR says:

    Alright, so i havent been diagnosed with depression but my gf has and is medicated for it so how about maybe what not to say but a list of what to say or advice on how to handle all of it. i didnt read everything here but its not always as easy as just saying something when im supposed to. its sometimes very difficult to just suppress how i am feeling to spare the feelings of the one i love. its hard on both ends if there is a relationship where you dont understand everything.

  178. Tortured Mind says:

    Very little acknowledgement is provided to family members that have to “deal” with the individual suffering from depression… very little understanding from the person suffering from depression is given to their family and friends. Even if we were to say some of the top 10 things above, you also need to consider we are doing the best we can instead of lashing out even more because we don’t get it or we don’t have anything nice to say…

    I came across this article from renown PSYCHOLOGY TODAY. Called “10 Little know facts about Depression”.

    I particularly agree with #2; #7; #9 and #10. For everybody suffering from depression. Please try to think of us all… you are not the only ones suffering and you do become very selfish through your issues (#2). You also don’t necessarily seak help (#7) DO MAKE A CHOICE TO HEAL…

    I don’t think PSYCHOLOGY TODAY is wrong on all of that… there are two sides to every coin, not just your side.

    I consider myself under #9… after have tried so much to help, the only way out I see is to distance myself and cut ties with my blood relative, my flesh to protect myself and my own children from the constant lashing out that I’m not helping when I have tried to hard…. I’m sorry this person cannot see all I have done and tried to do… everybody at some point needs to take a step back. I’m no long enabling the abuse…

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Tortured Mind

      You are absolutely right there are two sides to the coin – and in depression, perhaps even more than two sides. It would be helpful also to hear the response of those who are caring for loved ones in depression. Perhaps as though who suffer, we don’t hear much about how our family or friends feel when taking care of us. Only by hearing that can we understand each other more – and learn from the process.

      I am in the process of compiling an Ebook on bridging this communication gap between those depressed and who are not. Would you be so inclined to share your experience so we can hear your voice too? More info can be found here.

      Noch Noch

  179. Aten says:

    I once just listened to my depressed best friend, she was obese. I didn’t say anything, afraid she would get mad. She end up saying “you are so boring to talk to. Why don’t you respond? I want you to agree”.

    I was just trying to be a good listener…

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Aten

      Wow – just can’t please anyone eh? Yeh that’s a tough one, it must be so hard talking to us depressed people because we seem so erratic and want different things at different times. I remember yelling at my husband once for the same thing. He eventually learnt to be empathetic but not let my emotions affect him, esp when I go up and down!


  180. Savanna says:

    Hello…I’m not really sure if I belong here. I don’t know if my problem is exactly depression, all I know is I hate myself so much I can’t function normally in society. I want to die most of the time, and I don’t know what to do. I asked my dad if I can see a therapist, and he’s working on it, but I didn’t tell him everything. I just told him about my anxiety, so he has no idea I hate myself and I’m suicidal. I don’t want him to worry or judge me, but I feel like he doesn’t take my need for therapy seriously…and if I don’t get help soon, I really don’t know what will happen. What should I do?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Savanna

      I think it is great you told yor family and maybe even tell them your thoughts. Seeing a therapist is first and important step and I hope you can do that soon so you get diagnosed accurately and can then handle the challenge in appropriate ways

      Noch Noch

  181. MJH says:

    My question is: How long am I supposed to try to help another hurting person to my detriment?
    I have a friend whom I knew in high school that I became reacquainted with a few years ago.
    He has been through a lot. We both have suffered depression for a number of years. Different causes; but both dealing with it. He has severe PTSD, ADD, and now has developed Thyroid problems. I have tried to help him for the past few years. He has gotten progressively worse. He has had extreme bouts of being verbally abusive to me. This has escalated. Over the course of this time I have suffered additional serious losses and pains. His responses are, as if his problems are worse, so mine do not count as much as his. I have now incurred literally thousands of dollars of credit card debt in attempt to help him. All of which he assured me at the times of expenditure that he would be able to catch up and pay me back. The debt load has added to my distress, and depression problems. When I mention to him about my distress and upset he tells me I am being unacceptably mean to him. That by mentioning it I am criticizing him and being abusive to him. Because his problems and pain are worse than mine. I have expressed to him it is not a contest. He seems to think his problems occur in a vacuum and have no deleterious effect on others. My helping him and incurring all this debt have added to my problems and my depression is getting worse. I have recently begun to mention it more to him as my distress has become more severe. His response is extremely abusive criticisms of me. I do have it better than he does; and have tried to help. But I have reached a breaking point with the abusive lashing out, all my expense has been in an attempt to help keep him from losing everything and prevent him from becoming homeless.
    I am destroyed financially due to being in debt bigger than I can pay off (which I have never been in debt before). I am trying to deal with my own grief, losses, and depression. There is so much more to this; but it would make it too long to read and respond to. He will become homeless without help.
    I feel guilty for needing to walk away from the additional damage he has and is causing me. Why does he feel justified in the idea that I am supposed to let HIS problems take ME down?
    My question is: How long am I supposed to try to help another hurting person to my detriment?
    Thank you for your response.

    • nochnoch says:

      My two cents worth of opinion is: zero seconds longer. Its paramount you tKe care of yourself first and are in a good space and mind first

      • mjh says:

        Thank you. I had sadly concluded this, myself. Ironically he provided this link to your page in one of his facebook postings to illustrate to others (possibly me) what not to say to a depressed person. In messages to me he seems to have concluded that my mentioning my increasing distress about things should also be part of what not to say to a depressed person (him). He has also convinced himself that I have said things to him that I have never said.
        I attempted to get his family to help him. They do not help him because they think his illnesses are not real illnesses, and that he is some how less of a man because he has problems and does not cope well. And that all he needs is tough love. That long ago was a dis-proven method of helping anyone. I have no idea what to do next to help.
        He will feel anguished, betrayed, and abandoned, again. But I do not know what else to do. My depression is more severe then it has ever been. I can’t sleep, my system is in knots, and my stress level is at its maximum. I know that I need to think in terms of being in self protect mode for a while. Still, I fear for him and his well being. Thank you for responding so quickly.

  182. Julia says:

    So I appreciate this list of what not to say, but what about making a list of things that might actually make someone going through a hard time like this feel better?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Julia

      I have thus far not made such a list even though you are not the first one to suggest it because I think what to actually say or do depends largely on your relationship with the person and the person’s personality. Also, once affected by depression what they might hv appreciated prior might not be what would be needed. For instance some readers prefer someone saying to them ‘i’m here for you.’ But I prefer my husband to say nothig and just hold me, and prefered my friends to just talk about random things.
      so a list in this case is not as enlightening

      I know this is not what you expected. But if you really would like some pointers, you could read Beyond Blue’s list by Therese, it could give you some suggestions

      Noch Noch

  183. John says:

    I’m a twenty five year old student, finishing the last semester of my degree. I also have a one year certificate in the arts. I’ve had minor accomplishments, but it doesn’t take away from the fact of how depressed I usually am.. Meds don’t really work. I also have a drinking problem that doesn’t help the mental illness side. Even when I’m sober for awhile, the depression always kicks in.. Just feel worthless and don’t want to get out of bed. The list is true here: these things people say don’t work. The only time I feel dispersed from the depression is when I’m actively at work on fiction or a piece of writing. Besides that, I can’t hold a job, I always loose work after a few months. Employers notice I’m not as “up beat” as everyone else, “smile,” they constantly say, etc. So I try to move to something more isolated and individual like construction work, but my dyslexia kicks in and I can’t figure out how to turn on the saw for 25 minutes, by the time 10 things should have been completed and by then someone’s getting mad, and I’m still trying to figure out how to mechanically figure out the saw… I try not to be full of pity, but like right now it’s even hard for me to go out and just go for a walk. My friends don’t call me anymore after I landed in the psyche ward… Now I have this subtle “label” attached to me..Hardly invited anywhere. The only thing that keeps me going is the few girlfriends I still have and see occasionally. Guys don’t seem to understand, and or think I’m weird. The relationships with women I have don’t last longer than 3-4 months after they find out about the depression issues and I don’t blame them. Why hang out with someone who will make you depressed? It’s just hard, cause I try to change, follow the advice, but it doesn’t seem to work. We really do live in a different reality than the average.

  184. The Angry One says:

    I hate to say Wow, but i really do mean this time, as i have read it here with this blurb.

    Every single one of these 10 things, makes absolutely sense to me. No bullshit.

    I have been putting this shit depression syndrome for years. Yet I am still conflicted with this self-afflicting disease, to the point where I just dont give a shit anymore, and embrace my own madness.

    I’ve learned from my own personal experience, that the ONLY way to help one self who’s being tormented with depression, is that THEY MUST HELP THEMSELVES FIRST.

    And should that fail, then build some courage and balls to really and truly ask for SERIOUS HELP. And Be HONEST @ 110% about it too.

    Me for instance I always end doing the complete opposite of that, I always ended up acting like a coward, and hide, and lie to myself, and make myself feel like shit all over again its insane.

    Some days, Some nights, I just cant help it. Some things are just beyond our control, and maybe we are just fucking unlucky.

    Okay well my best shot of advice is thus, to me depression is about having TOO MUCH SHIT going through your head, and you need some way to get it out, some it may work to SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, but I wouldnt recommend it for myself, cus I ended up hurting myself doing so.

    For me I do exactly what I am doing right now, pour my mind onto any form of written text, via noteboook, or typing a long written out rant like this.

    I apologize for the lengthy, poorly spelled, poorly grammartized text, but you know what? WHY YOU DONT YOU TRY IT YOURSELF!!! Before you start judging.

    Trust me it feels really good when you actually omit your true feelings instead of LYING TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS.

    Avoid severe self-criticism, avoid lack of self-confidence, because it takes every ounce of your well-being to feel that you still have any self-confidence in yourself at all.

    Okay, thats enough, I’m done.

    I really hope this personal “mind melted on typing” will help some of you.
    If not and it only offends you, will I’m sorry, you’ll get over eventually and then feel thankful that I even bother to write all this out in the first place.

    You rarely find people are openly honest as I am, even if its behind a freaking computer.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Angry One

      Thank you for being honest with your views and sharing your experience with readers on how your tackle your depression. Everyone’s experience is different but I hope yours will inspire someone out there in the way it should

      And yes, writing helps me too

      Noch Noch

  185. kelly says:

    I am suffering depression badly and i cant handle my partner calling me a F***ing idiot when i tell him to leave me alone. i am so upset and hurt and sick of being called a baby. what do i do to deal with that? i am undergoing regular counselling and check ups but his words make it so much worse for me and him grinning at me when i get angry or have a relapse hurts so much

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Kelly

      Then is this someone you want to stay with when he is not supportive and hurts you? what does your counsellor say about that?

      Noch Noch

      • kelly says:

        Hi there

        Well things are on the up finally! Lots of counselling, psychiatrist and finally my partner has an understanding of what I am dealing with and is devastated with how he was treating me. My workers told me people who havent been through depression dont understand and find it hard to understand.

        He is embarased and very sorry and had grabbed all the info he could to help me deal and to grow. He is also attending sessions for families suffering through depression support groups and has his 3rd group session coming up when he comes home from work in two weeks.

        He told me before he left: Its so lovely to see you smiling again babe. :) IT was the sweetest thing ever :) those words meant so much to me and he had tears in his eyes as he continued on and said: Ive missed my beautiful girl.
        yes I teared up and I told him thankyou and yes i am coming back to you.

        I am so thankful to everyone who helped him especially and I. Things have been so great. I just thought I d let you know :) We are off horseriding together on our horses so got to go :) Hang in there everyone there is hope :)

        Kelly :)

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Kelly

          how WONDERFUL!!! So happy for you. And I’m glad your partner is also spending time and patience to support you.
          such happy news!

          Noch Noch

  186. Brittany says:

    My husband constantly tells me “I’m crazy”. This actually makes me feel crazy because the comment hurts so bad. I’m not crazy. My feelings are real, the way you treat me hurts. This doesn’t make me crazy, right? I don’t know if it’s possible for someone else to make you feel more depressed, but it sure feels like my husband makes it worse. He is constantly criticizing me as a wife and mother. I live with my inlaws right now so that pressure on top of the pressure from my husband is immense.

    Even my mother in law who has been depressed before tells me “Well snap out of it! Get a job it will make you feel better!” Don’t you think I want to be happy and live a normal life? I can’t rely on myself to get through the day just taking care of my daughter. That in itself is a challenge and exhausting. My mom sometimes says “you have to get strong sweetie”. Well mom, I wish I could.

    I have no health insurance which means no therapy or medications for me. I’m so lost and I’m not sure how to fix it. “Go get public aid” people say. But again, yet another task I can’t bring myself to do. What’s worse is my husband could care less. He just says, again, “You’re crazy, you need help. It’s not my fault youre being a bitch”.

    My heart is crushed, I want to be a good mother to my child and eventually be strong enough to either leave my husband or if he gets the mental help he needs, work it out. (He is a veteran with PTSD currently on 7 different medications for depression, pain and anxiety)

    My life is a mess. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of putting on a happy face for people when I’m so obviously unhappy.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Brittany

      I am sorry to hear of your struggles – it seems to me you would need some professional advice on how to handle the situation and I am not qualified to do that. Can I suggest you reach out for online free counselling via Beyond Blue, Look Ok Feeling Crap, Time to Talk websites?

      Noch Noch

      • Brittany says:

        I will definitely check those sites out. I appreciate your response. Yesterday was horrible. My husband left me on the side if the road after I got out of the car because if the comments he was making. On Easter, he left me with no phone, no money. I eventually walked home to find him asleep. How completely worthless And heartbroken I felt. So my daughter and I spent our Easter Day without daddy.

        He says he is not the reason I’m so depressed. But he is a huge part of it. Is it possible for someone to make you depressed? I don’t even know. But anyway. Thank you again for your response.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Brittany

          I think it is possible that someone can make you depressed. And it could be a combination of environmental factors too. I hope you find someone qualified to talk to you and advice you what to do and that the pain goes away sooner

          Noch Noch

  187. Adrienne says:

    I feel like I want to leave a comment here after reading this. I am suffering from MDD, and most of my days are very difficult and I am always in some sort of struggle. Lately, it has been getting worse and worse, and I really don’t even know why I’m fighting anymore, my future doesn’t look so bright I’m afraid to say. And I’m only 16! I shouldn’t be suffering like this, but like you said, and I love this little sentence: I can’t control it. Every single thing that you’ve written applies to me. I didn’t choose to be like this, this wasn’t at all my wish, it just happened, yet nobody seems to really understand. It’s hard when you feel like you’re losing your own mind, but after all, you can’t stop it, and it sucks:(

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Adrienne

      It does suck! But have you spoken to your parents or counselor about your situation? I think they might be able to better help you and guide you to finding the fulfilment and joy in life. I am not a psychologist so I can’t really tell you what to do. But just know that many of us here feel the same way and we can all get through the tunnel


  188. Bettina says:

    What you have written is really worth thinking about, thank you for making this list!;)

  189. sue says:

    Yes and another one not to say “we are all stressed” ITS NOT STRESS!

  190. Lisa says:

    Hi noch noch
    I totally agree with everything you’ve said i”ve suffered with clinical depression for 3 years now…. one thing i thought about adding to the list was something my fiance just said to me “oh don’t go getting all depressed again i’m fed up with you” etc. I cant help how i feel and that has just taken the last piece out of my confidence and will to go on. sorry to go on but just another one to add to the list.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Lisa

      Thanks for sharing your experience. If your fiance cannot handle you being in depression it might be worth discussing whether to continue into marriage? It might keep happening. it does take a toll on whoever lives with us or taking care of us. My fiance had a very difficult time and it really dragged him down. He did see a therapist to lern how to handle me and to understand what depression does to me. I wrote about his experience is here


  191. Eamon says:

    My family says EVERYTHING on this list constantly… I hate being depressed, but they act like its a nice cigarette break or something. So thanks for the list… Totally printing it and posting it on my door.

  192. Doogie says:

    It seems like I get the most depressed when I think of happier times that will never happen again. I am stuck on the past and I can’t move on. Everybody around me tells me “You are just crying for attention”, ” Stop acting like you have no sense”, “Cheer up or shut up.” These are constant in various forms. I try to conform to the way everybody wants me to be, putting on a smile for them, but the few times I have tried to come out of my shell I am just criticized for not coming out sooner or something along those lines.

    What is the best way to get out of this rut I am in? How do I move on from the past? How do I deal with other people asking me stupid question?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Doogle

      Have you been diagnosed by a medical practitioner? It would be a good first step to find what what kind of depression / anxiety or if anything else is a challenge for you now, and then you can find the way to solve it

      Noch noch

  193. lulu92 says:

    I really enjoyed this post and your blog in general. I was surprised to realize that I’ve heard every one of these at some point in my life. One that my mother always uses with me is “Sometimes you just have to smile and laugh to make yourself feel better.” It’s obviously misunderstanding on her part but it can be frustrating to hear this over and over. It’s also strange to hear her suggest I seek professional help when apparently simply laughing at myself is such a magical cure.

  194. Naruemon Jintapatthanakit says:

    Someone said depressed persons had a lot of power. You did great in letting others understand depressed persons deeper. Cheers!!!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Naruemon

      THanks – I do think depression has empowered me in a lot of ways, especially in understanding myself better!

      noch Noch

  195. Bemused says:

    Dear Noch Noch,

    You post brought tears into my eyes.

    I used to be a lively girl, never thought I’d become bitter, and cold, and end up with a sharp tongue, knife-like.

    What’s happened to us? We were doing well, why did we up like that.

    I left my birthplace to study abroad, finished my degree, tried hard to work and build up a successful career of my own, which I wouldn’t call successful at all. I had dreams, and wishes, I was lively and intelligent and bubbly.

    My dreams were shattered when I realised I was unable to find what I longed for, professionally speaking since I came outta university during the economic crisis ect. My relationships never lasted for more than a month. I tried to understand why all this was happening, tried to change things in my life and myself, in a positive manner, but it was all useless. I tried getting advices, but that also went down the drain.

    So, seeing I wasnt getting anywhere, I went back to my home country, to live with my mother. It’s gonna be a year now, and I still havent been successful in doing anything beside working for free in my field, and be paid some meagre sum for some completing assignments. I updated my CV recently and thought, wow is this all you’ve done Lilia! So why am I unable to get a proper job, and find some stability in my life? I don’t know. I just keep thinking I suck.

    I have revealed today how I have found a niche market, and that I knew it’d work ect, and that I wanted to get into trade. I was belittled for that, been told my studies have been useless to me ect. In return I told some pretty mean stuff, things I wouldn’t have told if I had been left alone like I was trying to make them understand! I regret having spoken these words, but I am now perceived as a bitter, and mean woman.

    They also don’t seem to understand me, nor what I do, nor even the fields I been into, I keep looking for employment, I keep trying to get better, but the argument I had today just shook me (again), and I feel worse, while I was really looking forward to things, and trying to make ME better to then MAKE MY LIFE go better.

    I had always been the kinda girl who’d run away from things, and people, I am messed up in my head I know it but I don’t know if it’s because of my strict upbringing (encouraging me not to have friends, not to open up, to be secretive, not to talk about my life, not to have male friends, or even be seen with a male, ect…). Oh what’s worse is they expect us to be friendless, but then bring home a husband-to-be. I am unable to sustain a relationship, I don’t even know what it is that men don’t like in me to just loose interest in me overnight. I’ve never been told, all I was told from friends now is that I am cold and too strict on myself, and that it’d take a mammoth to stand up against me. I guess they mean I am too argumentative, I know I am messed up but if only people were more patient with me… Because I am anything but a mean and nasty person, I just wish I had things to give and make people happy, just wish I could help, just wish they could see the real me inside, because then all this is a facade I hide behind not to get hurt – although I do get hurt more than I wanna admit.

    I feel lost, I wish I wasn’t a burden, I don’t know if having a stable job would help me out even. I recognised I had depression last year, after all this time. Then I think I am not capable of keeping up with a man, with a job perhaps but not a man, and I should perhaps just remain alone, until I get better. I wanna be good to my mother, and brother but I don’t know how I could if I am not good to myself. I have no money. I am lost.

    See it’s 1am in here and I can’t sleep, it’s been like this for years, I can’t even eat properly, I used to have severe anemia, I am better but haven’t completely recovered.

    Sorry for the rant, I have none I can talk about this to.

    I hope we all get better and get out of this infernal & endless circle.

    Take care.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Bemused

      Don’t apologize for your rant. I get it. I have felt those feelings and thought those thoughts before. HAve you spoken to a therapist or doctor about this?

      Noch Noch

  196. Drew says:

    YES can I say that your list and the comments i’ve read are great.Especially # 1,4,7,8 It makes me glad that other people understand what I feel like.! I don’t know why it makes me smile but it does. Thanks for the post, im so glad to feel like I’m not the only one who thinks these things.

    I just wish other people would understand and stop being so annoying about it

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Drew

      haha – i like when people tell me the post made them smile. I hope people might see the underlying humour / sarcasm too :)
      And yes, you are not the only one :)


  197. Booknerd says:

    I’ve called my best friend every morning on the way to work for years. It has been the best time to
    connect without my daughter listening in.
    I’ve faced a lot of financial and marriage problems
    in the last 3 years. She’s always been so wonderful.

    About 3 months ago, I had some exciting news to share, but I was also anxious about it. (A lifetime of anxiety orders will do that to a person.) I told her the news and then shared my anxieties. I was shocked when she told me how negative
    I had become. She went on and on about speech patterns she had noticed and how I could never just be happy about something good.

    I was devastated. I still am. I don’t want to share any difficulties with her now. I don’t want to ne accused of negativity! I feel stilted and awkward around her. Anxiety is my main issue,
    but this has contributed to a mild depression. I have such a hard time talking to my spouse (marital issues), my family (dysfunctional), and now I can’t even talk to my BF.

    On top of all of that, the good news petered out and I didn’t get the recognition I was hoping for.

    I am so incredibly lonely and sad. I feel
    as though confronting her 3 months later is useless and will only create more problems –
    plus it will deem me “negative” once again.

    I think this had been building up for a while and she simply chose the worst time and place to try and make me aware of an off-putting behavior.

    But it hurts. It hurts to work with people all day and to come home at night to your family (with your marriage in disrepair) and stay silent,
    moving from one chore to another, quietly dying inside.

    Last week I sat down in the shower and screamed and cried without any sounds at all.

    I will speak to my therapist tomorrow,
    but I would appreciate anyone’s thoughts on this situation.

    Thank you for providing me a safe space to vent.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Booknerd

      Maybe your friend was only telling you her observations and it takes a real true friend to tell another person a truth that hurts. But I am glad you will see a therapist. Have you been diagnosed already with depression and what kind? It helps to know what it is you are struggling with so you can accurately confront the issues

      Vent all you need


      • Booknerd says:

        I agree with you – I don’t think it was said maliciously –
        but time and place are everything. :( I’m
        certain that is why I took it so badly.

        Thanks for the response.
        Your blog is fantastic!

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Booknerd
          Don’t blame yourself. Depression makes us see everything as negative. It’s not always controllable. That’s why this sickness is such a challenge. I seems that it’s all in the mind – but when we feel our minds are out of our control. Is frustrating
          Thanks for your support for my blog
          Noch Noch

  198. Kristy says:

    Hi, my name’s Kristy. I’m 14 going to be 15 soon. But I don’t think I’ll make it. Lately I’ve been feeling sad, not having any energy to do things, not wanting to do anything, my grades started slipping. I thought I was fine and it was just a phase but it’s been 3 months.

    2 weeks ago, I started doing researches about depression and each time I read more information, I thought “They are describing me”.

    Each time I’m left out, neglected by others, I can feel myself slipping further into a black hole. I tried talking to a friend about this, but all they could say was these exact 10 things and that I should get help and talk to my parents. They don’t understand that partially why I’m like this now it’s because of my parents.

    I got into some trouble a few months ago, I was bullied, harassment, and somewhere between I got suspended from school. I told the school and when I told my mom all about it. She didn’t comfort me, like I thought she would for once in my life. She just said that I brought this to myself and that if I didn’t get close to those people the bullying, harassment and suspension wouldn’t have happened.

    After that day I cried myself to sleep for three days straight. I think that’s when I know something was not right with me. I know I need help but I don’t know where I can get help without my parents being involve in this. With my mom involve she would make this worse for me. And my dad’s sick, if he found out he would blame himself for not being here for me. I don’t know what to do.

    • Dan says:

      Hi Kristy
      My names dan and I think I am suffering from depression and have been for the last for the last 8 years.
      I’m 19 years old and I first realised I had depression after a being bullied non stop for a few months I was constantly sad and it affected my schoolwork and concentration.
      I have found that my depression gets worse and worse each time a majorly upsetting event takes place. The first one was when the love of my life (my best friend who didn’t have the same feelings) told me that she could never be with me after i told her that i liked her . after that I spent four years chasing her in these four years my school work was non existent because I think I became obsessed with her. The school trouble continued to worsen and my relationship with my mother deteriorated and we began to fight constantly and it reached its peak when the school told her she could go to prison because I had skipped out on so much school In fear of destroying my family I didn’t miss a day of school after that.
      I left school and went to sixth-form (if u live in US it’s like a college except I go to a school to do the lessons and the depression had got the better of me I was doing a music course which is what I’ve wanted to do since I was twelve because of my band. I was kicked out of the sixth form because in the three months I was there I had been 3 times.
      After this I got an ict grade from college but was still skipping days and all the interest in music was gone because I just didn’t feel I was good enough to do it.
      A year ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer and that plummeted me to new depths ( because of my bad grades I don’t have a job) I sit up feeling worthless all day doing stupid things like playing Xbox I go to sleep at six in the morning and wake up at 4PM and start the whole routine I hardly go out and I have 3 real friends and I’ve found that I don’t trust anyone anymore either.

      I apologise for the essay but I read your message and thought that I could tell you about my experiences to try and steer you away from becoming like me.
      So seriously I would advise that you get yourself help before it gets really bad but If you need to talk to anyone I’m a good listener just send me an email on

      • Dan says:

        Dude…this is creepy to me. My life has been the exact same way with the exception that Iam still in college. Wierdest thing about it is that we have the same name too. That’s all I wanted to say, can’t contribute much because Iam in the same boat as you. Iam still dumbfounded though, its like we’re counterparts on different sides of the world lol.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Kristy

      I hope you found some solace from other readers’ responses here. You are not alone in this. I am not an expert in bullying and harassment, but can someone at your school help? is there a counselor?
      I suggest you can write to the other readers here who have had similar experience. I am not sure how to help as I didn’t go through that myself. The root causes are slightly different so your treatment and issues to confront would be different

      Also, you can try some online websites that provide free online counselling. I have come across a few after googling “bullying” and “depression”. Some of them are government run so should have qualified therapists

      IN any case, you can always vent here


  199. Somebody says:

    Not to be mean but there is this person who is depressed and GOD she whines ALL the time. She was admitted to the hospital and asked me to visit her. PUSHY MUCH? And now because she is depressed, her family and friends are very supportive. I wouldn’t consider her my friend. Just an annoying girl who I knew from a club in high school. Many people are tired of her already and are unfriending her from facebook and some people also call her “attention whore”. At first I felt bad but then it was true. She whines and whines about people who unfriend her. Like GOD she is 20 yrs already. Get over it. Stop acting like a freaking 13 year old. SORRY BUT I HAD TO LET IT OUT. Wait how come she knows who unfriends her?? She must literally stalk and count everybody…-___-

    • Sadie says:

      Dearest Kristy,

      You feel all alone and are not being comforted. I get it…and I’m 62 years old. When I was your age I wanted to run away, but I didn’t. I had no idea what the “real world” was like and was ultimately glad that I stuck it out. I had friends that couldn’t talk to their parents or counselors about anything. It was sad and I was sad for them. They made some life changing decisions at, really, a very young age..(looking back on it now). Everyone needs someone they can trust and feel comforted by…someone who can empathize. I was lucky…and I mean that. I had and still have a best friend who was totally there for me, as I was for her. We still talk every week. My hope for you is that you find that best friend…and if you don’t…you can talk to me. I will comfort you and care. Sincerely, Sadie

      • Marge says:

        Oh, Sadie, I would love to talk to you. I am 64 yrs old and have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I had good friends who supported me and treasured them greatly. Sadly, they have all passed away at an early age. I feel so alone I could scream! I don’t know what to do anymore. I just wish I could die, so as to no longer be a burden on my children, Would help to talk to people my age–simply talk!

        • Sadie says:

          Hi, Marge! I get you.

          Life sure throws us some curve balls, doesn’t it? If you’re 64, then you remember the “Peace and Love” generation, possibly? Where did all those folks go? I wonder when they turned into the “me” generation”.

          I’ve had some deaths in my family, as well. I’ve found several methods of dealing with this constant feeling of loss. I’ve called Hospice and just cried…they understood and listened, and after all, isn’t that what everyone wants…just someone to listen?..even to our cries

          How are you a burden to your children? You can, simply talk, to me!

          As not to get too depressed, I try not to throw everything, that’s on my mind, into the whirlwind of my unhappiness. That is extremely difficult at times. Sometimes, I write. write an email to myself and send it. I’m not alone. And, Marge, you aren’t alone.

          Simply talk!

          Look at this! King is 66! It’s an upper for me. Dance!

          Your new friend,



      • Lukas says:

        You just made my day with this Comment.

      • Caz says:

        I wish I had friend like u have … X

      • Caz says:

        Does life get any easier . X

        • Sadie says:

          Dear Caz,

          You asked, “Does life get any easier?”. Remember the movie, “As Good As it Gets”, where Jack Nicholson asks a room full of patients, “is thiis as good as it gets?” Well, obviously, everyone has problems throughout their lives, My whole day can get turned around by someone, anyone, just listening to me and caring in some way, (usually, not a doctor). It’s true: You get, what you give. My friends trust me and I trust them, with my life long secrets. It has to go both ways. I KEEP confidences forever. I make friends for life…from all cultures…and it’s the same, around the world. This way there is always a network of support.

          Caring and Comfort for you, Caz,


      • Trevor says:


    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Somebody

      I don’t know who this person is but I am glad she is getting help and support. I know it must be annoying for you to be around her, and depressed people, are obviously, not a joy to be around. It takes a lot of energy to take care of them, and for that I am grateful for my friends who took care of me
      If you don’t think you want to hang out with her, then please don’t, and take care of yourself first

      Noch Noch

    • Blah says:

      Try to be a little more compassionate. You don’t have to visit her, but going through depression is tough – you really have no clue unless you’ve been through it yourself. If you haven’t gone through depression, imagine that you hate yourself, life isn’t worth living, you have no real friends and everything is pointless. Not a great feeling is it?

      Why do you have to call her an “attention whore”? Many people in that situation need attention, need somebody to validate their existence. It’s a basic human need. You’re lucky you don’t feel that, but not everybody is that fortunate.

    • zhiv says:

      Hi, Somebody. One of the things about depression is that it’s a very self-absorbing illness, as all mental illnesses are. I wonder, if she’d told you she had cancer, or diabetes, would you be so dismissive of her as you are here? The fact that this girl was admitted to hospital means her illness is severe. You seem a little put out that she is receiving support from her friends and family. I can say that this girl is very lucky. Many of us who suffer from depression, or any mental illness, find that family and friends are very quick to run away from us. They do not see mental illness as a medical issue, but rather a ‘weakness’ of character, something we have brought on ourselves.

      Would anyone say, ‘it’s your fault you have diabetes/epilepsy/fibromyalgia. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop looking for attention, stop complaining about the pain, do something to make it go away, take up a hobby, then you’ll feel better.’? Yet people say this to us all the time. They call us annoying. They tell us to ‘get over it’. They tell us we have no reason to be ill. They ask us, why can’t we be normal? One of the symptoms of depression is that we do complain, a lot. And, yes, it does get old very quickly, for others, but when you’re going through an illness that makes you doubt your worth and existence, an illness that often leads to everyone walking away from you, an illness where the same obsessive thoughts can go round your head 24/7, for years at a time, to the outside world we do come across as annoying, constantly complaining, spouting the same shit day after day.

      Now I’m not suggesting that you become friends with this girl, or that you even have anything to do with her. But, since you will inevitably come into contact with other people suffering with mental illness, it might be an idea to do a bit of research to find some understanding of why we behave the way we do. For instance, you say this girl complains about people unfriending her. Well, sometimes when you’re ill, you find yourself on a treadmill of negative thinking that you can’t get off. To be unfriended, for her, may be as devastating as someone you know suddenly dying.

      Little things can have great consequence when you have depression. She may be thinking that being unfriended confirms her thoughts that she is the worst human being on the planet, that she is worthless, useless, every single person on the planet hates her, all the bad things happening in the world are her fault, and she should just kill herself and make everybody happy. That’s the kind of thought process we go through on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Is it any wonder, then, that she complains, if for her the consequences are earth-shattering?

    • steve says:

      Well, the “whiney” girl you speak of DOES sound depressed. Attention whore…I’d be one of those too when I’m most manic too.
      Whiney…just hope you’re not the one to stumble upon her dead body.

    • shotaiken says:

      Your ignorance is overwhelming. I can’t even be mad at you, because you simply don’t KNOW. You need to go to the website Healthy Place to read up on mental health issues, because your problem is that you simply lack knowledge.
      Good luck on your knowledge journey. Remember, knowledge is power.

    • Chris says:

      i would just like to say, she is probably not stalking, but facebook has an app where you can see who unfriends you or blocks you, called the unfriend app.

    • Beth says:

      I’m going to have to say this, but your comment annoyed me, for many reasons.

      The way that you have reacted to this person makes YOU sound like a 13 year old.
      Have you ever considered how everyone walking away from this person when she needs help feels?
      Have you ever asked yourself how YOU felt when you have felt down and people haven’t wanted to listen to it.

      I know people with attention disorders that react like this, they cannot help this, and they certainly don’t need people like you around them to make them feel worse… Have you not read anything in this article?
      Have you thought about the way you act about her situation and the way this reflects on her depression and how she feels the need to make people listen by “whining” about her feelings. That does NOT make her an “attention whore” that means that she would like someone to listen to her for once, rather than, what would appear from what I have read from your comment alone, be ignored, have people walk away from her when she needs them.

      If she felt that when she was in hospital she could ask you to come and visit her, then she obviously felt that you are a friend as many people feel very sensitive about these subjects and don’t ask people to come see them, personally I wouldn’t! I don’t see how that is pushy at all.
      From what I have read here, I honestly don’t think she needs a friend like you.

      Change your perspective on the matter. Ask her if she is okay, and that she is there when you need her. If you can’t do that, then simply leave her alone and be nice to others regardless of condition or not.

    • You're an asshole, Somebody says:

      Wow, for someone not trying to be mean…you sure are being an asshole… Jesus.

    • Noreen says:

      People like you suck. I really hope she realizes sooner or later what trash you are.

    • Noreen says:

      People like you suck. I really hope she realizes sooner or later what trash you are. She may be the loneliest person there, and probably doesn’t have a lot of friends to begin with.

    • Someboy Else says:

      How can you even write something that insensitive AFTER reading the above list?

      You’re a terrible person.

    • Shaylen says:

      “Not to be mean but….” This is the most insensitive narcissistic crap I’ve ever read. Grow a heart.

    • Johnny says:

      Wow you are a piece of crap. If you don’t like her don’t talk to her. Leave her alone. She does not need a shallow heartless girl like you in her life.

  200. Jackie says:

    I just got in an argument with someone online who claimed I was angry 24/7, because I believe in fat acceptance and am passionate about it, as well as concerns regarding social justice in general. They kept saying I need to take a break, and that I need to take 5 minutes to relax.

    When I told them that this behavior triggered me into feeling like I was told that I was not allowed to express my emotions, they continued saying they never said that. Essentially gaslighting me till they couldn’t anymore. They said I kept acting like they were a monster, when all I wanted was for them to validate my feelings.

    I feel much stronger, because I stood up for myself. I told them they had no right to police my feelings, and that if they disliked how I acted they could stop being my friend, but they had no right to tell me I should act like someone I am not.

    • Funny says:

      Fat acceptance? Really? Acceptance of being unhealthy? Why not smoking acceptance, or binge drinking acceptance? Goddamn fucking retarded shit

  201. Nick says:

    Yesterday my very close friend, who I also happen to have strong feelings for told me that I’m too depressed for her and thats the main reason we will never be more than friends. I can’t help but feel enraged and pissed off at her for saying that. It’s like theres nothing I can do about it. I would change for her if I only can. Am I out of line for getting angry at her? It just seems like she told me that shes too good for me. I love her, but I hate her and I feel even more depressed than before and I’m really worried that I amy act irrationally.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Nick

      I’m not sure how to answer that as I don’t know the circumstances. Are you in depression then? Have you been diagnosed? Maybe it’s time to focus on your own health first instead of other people for now?

      Noch Noch

    • Tempus says:

      Yes, you are out of line for getting angry at her. NO ONE owes you a romantic relationship.

      Actually, she’s very smart not to get involved with somebody who’s depressed. Romantic relationships are not the same as friendships. Romantic relationships can lead to marriage and children, and believe me, marriage is hard work enough when both spouses are stable, without adding to the difficulty by putting mental illness into the mix.

      I’m speaking from observation here. One of my friends married a bipolar man. In his favor, he was very upfront about his diagnosis. But she thought she could make him more stable, and they were very lovey-dovey in the beginning. But now, a few kids later, and a couple of emotional breakdowns (where he “had” to move back with his parents to clear his head while she carried the ENTIRE responsibility for the household), and can’t hold down a job, etc…No–your friend made the right choice.

  202. Angelina says:

    Thanks for this. I too get angry when someone says one of those ridiculous things. One that really annoys me is ‘things will get better’. Look, after 35 years, I know things will NOT get better. It’s also annoying when people say suicide is selfish. It is not, however forcing someone to suffer and live against their will is very selfish. I wish our society would smarten up about depression.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Angelina

      I agree with you but I also think it is difficult for the society to understand mental health issues as it is less tangible, and more often than not, those who have had mental illnesses do not publicly talk about the experience, so it’s hard for the “other side” to know and understand what is going on. PErhaps we also have a duty to express ourselves and explain what it is like, when we can and when we are comfortable with it. It takes a lot more communication. Lots of people in society are helping to raise awareness but there will always be those who don’t understand… and I think, that’s okay. As long as we did our best


    • Dizzy says:

      Hi Angelina,

      I know you will hate me for this, but suicide IS selfish. Imagine that YOU have dedicated years of your life loving, caring, nurturing your lovely daughter. You notice that she is demonstrating signs of depression but you cannot fully understand her situation due to having been raised by your own parents to ‘build a bridge and get over it’. You feel worried about her and try to help her by providing her with counselling, etc. Then she commits suicide. Your beloved daughter, who was also a sister, a niece, a cousin, a friend… she has chosen to let her own WORDLY, overcome-able problems take control of her actions. Now everyone who knew her and loved her are left behind to grieve her; never truly understanding why she did it and always blaming themselves.

      You must not have ever met a person who has lost a loved one. They are overwhelmed by grief and they, themselves, can fall into that hopeless pit of despair. Life is ALWAYS worth living for – no matter how crappy it may seem at the time.

      • Richard says:

        You are basically saying the people left behind are MORE important than the person that was suffering, and how dare the person suffering do something ( arguably not the best way) to end the suffering. And you don’t see that as being, I don’t know, selfish?

  203. Shilo says:

    Hi! Thank you for this blog! Someone finally gets it! I’m a 38yr old wife of 16 yrs and mother of 2 boys 16/21 yrs old. I was told I was depressed at 12, which I ignored cuz they were “wrong” fought having relationships, I seemed to be the cause of problems. Married to a man who won’t leave “thank god”. I’m a manager, a great one! Excel at work. Defined myself by work because its something positive in my life I have control of. Until I got hurt at work. Have had 2 spinal fusions. Haven’t worked in 2 years. My life is forever altered. I took a whole bottle of pills one yr ago, in hopes I would fall asleep and not get up. I spent time off in the hospital looney ward. My husband loves me to death…he says all 10 things, not to be said. People don’t know what I go through daily inside. I smile and hide it. acquaintances would never know, but I have no close friends. That requires too much work. I would love to go back to work, maybe helping others with depression. Maybe again my would/work would be semi normal again. As I define self worth with my job. Physically I have career limits. I am learning about myself, how to live with it, and learning as much as possible about it. I may never fix myself but maybe I can empathize with others. This in turn may help me. Don’t know how to get into that kind of career, maybe just a dream. Leaving the house is work also. Depression is lonely. This is my story. I might define myself as: lonely, tired, fake, destructive unintentionally, but going through motions day by day. We don’t complain. We are teaching others how to deal with us or saying it out loud as self preservation. We need you as friends and to empathize. That just might help to live another day. Keep your opinions to yourself. We don’t need to hear it. We won’t take the advice well anyway! It only makes us feel more like a failure. I often wonder what normal is like. What it feels like to be happy, no pain, and awake. This trial dream to leave. This is a condition! It is not fake! We know we have it. We know we don’t want it! We don’t know how to fix it! You can’t fix it! But u can help to keep it bearable.
    Again this is only my experience, and I made it through today!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Shilo

      Good job getting through today – and tomorrow and many more days to come. It seems you have done lots of soul searching and know what’s going on behidn the depression. That’s key to helping yourself move through life with some enriching life experience. I think I am a better person as a result of depression. I am more patient with myself and others, and more compassionate and empathetic to things I do not know and have not experienced. So maybe you can do the same. It is indeed lonely, but hey, we are all here, and you are not alone!


  204. Edwin says:

    8. “You should do this…” or “You should not do this (such as kill yourself)…”

    For me, I get mad. In my head I’m thinking “damnit, I’m not going to kill myself. This isn’t about me being killing myself. I’m just sad, unreasonably, unrelentingly sad. Everyone keeps trying to help and it just makes me feel guilty, so I blow them off and pretend everything is okay so they’ll stop giving me some half-assed attempt at comfort

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Edwin

      We understand how you feel. Slowly though, my friends also learnt more about depression and I think sometimes people say these things because they don’t know. They are well meant and intentioned. IT is up to us to communicate

      Vent all you need

    • Emma says:

      I KNOW!!! It’s just like, I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to try and help me because you think it’s your civil responsibility, or some crap like that. >.<

  205. nochnoch says:

    Hi Jessica

    I’m happy to hear you are taking time out for yourself to put yourself back together and I know you will be happier after doing so. Take your time and don’t berate yourself for not “progressing”. I don’t know about you but I was so annoyed at myself for not recovering with a snap of the finger and I was so impatient. Then it made me worse, and I had to learn to listen to my body and mind, and let it unwind, let everything come out, before I can reorient my life and priorities.

    Hope counselling etc goes well for you. And hope you find a doctor you like! It took me a while too

    NOch Noch

  206. teengirl says:

    Hi, I’m very much in agreement with this little blog post type thing. I went through a really bad time in my life to the point where I could not do anything about it myself. I’m sure a lot of you would say “what bad point is there in her life? shes just a teenager.” But, especially comparing to my Mum and Dads era at school, high school is really hard. The pressure just mounted up on me and its been nearly 2 years now but to this day I still don’t know why I was so sad. But it wasn’t really “sad”, its hard to explain that to be fair. It was more like, I was nothing. I felt nothing, I was numb. And when people started to notice that there was something wrong with me, I got even more “sad” and I was constantly crying. And then it got worse because people would continuously ask me these questions/tell me the things above. They didn’t understand how I couldn’t know what I was so “sad” about. I went to the doctor about it, they didn’t help. And I have gotten better but I had to do it ALONE. It was a painful process, and it took longer than it should have. I’m still not 100%, I have my good days and bad days. And this is why i’m here writing this because this was one of my bad days.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi teengirl
      Hope you found some solace here then on your bad day and kudos for pulling yourself out of depression. Yes I also have bad days and days where I relapse and then I feel like the whole month is gone. But then I tell myself, it’s a sign from the body to tell me, there are still things in my life I need to change and so I get back into that rut.

  207. Taku Ooka Nin says:

    I would offer you a hug when you look depressed, from one INFP to another.

  208. Bryan Bray says:

    Hi its me Bryan, I have some problems in my life. I wanted somebody to give me advice.First i’ll tell you about school, most of the kids in my grade don’t like me,and to tell you the truth i’m fine with that, but after my best friends have moved life is hard. Some kids call me a nerd and( thanks Eeyore) im cool with that to. Now I feel alone, nobody to support me.

    Also I don’t get why they don’t like me. I try to be the nicest kid. I don’t make fun of people, I don’t yell, not even when i’m being bullied, though sometimes when i’m having a horrible day I lose my temper but not for long. I always stand up for kids being bullied, and I just want to be myself. Yet the kids are jerks.I feel as if there pushing m in a deep pit and its hard to get out. I know that in about ten years it wont matter but it does now!And DON’T get me started on girls!!!

    I (applaud) you if your still here, I know there are bigger problems and that people have gone through a lot of horrors, So thanks for listening or a… Reading my petty problems. By the way NN great site, its worth a million$!

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Bryan

      If it’s a problem for you, it’s a problem for you and there is no bigger or smaller ones. yes we all have our problems, and someone looking from outside might think you are whining. But if the situation causes you stress, then it’s a problem for you.

      Noch Noch

    • zhiv says:

      Hi Bryan. You sound like a very noble person. And personally I think that when some people are presented with nobility they don’t know how to react to it. So they react with negativity. There don’t seem to be very many noble people about these days. The media constantly presents us with people behaving badly and getting rewarded for it. In life, selfishness is seen as either good, necessary or ‘I’m just being me’.

      I think it’s great that you are a nice, pleasant young person who stands up for other people. Unfortunately in life, many people like you, who are ok with being by themselves, who are noble and speak up for others, are viewed as ‘wierd’, ‘nerdy’ or ‘not normal’. This can be painful. But don’t ignore that pain. Being bullied hurts. Being labelled hurts. Your pain is valid. Your problems are valid, even if you think they might seem small. Pain is pain, no matter what the reason. . You have a perfect right to cry out, or become angry, and then start finding positive ways to ease that pain. Maybe in time you can use it to achieve wonderful things in your life. Who knows, maybe some of the kids in your school envy you because you are so self-assured. Most kids your age aren’t, and they view those who are with jealousy and suspicion. This comes out as bullying, name-calling, ignoring you, etc.

      You don’t have to be liked. You don’t have to try being liked or likeable. Not everybody will like you, and that’s perfectly alright. It might be an idea to talk with your school counsellor about how you’re feeling, and ask them if they can point you in the direction of a teen mental health group or centre in your area.

      Mental health isn’t just about having a mental illness. It’s about looking after your mental wellbeing now so that things don’t get worse later. Things like taking time out to relax, or doing things you enjoy, and taking care of your physical health. Now that your old support network is gone, it’s time to start finding and making new ones. You don’t have to be friends with kids in school, you might be able to make friends with kids where you live, or maybe you can find hobby groups in your area to find new friends. And of course, websites like this one can be a valuable resource when you are looking for some extra support. Take care of yourself, because you sound like a great person.

  209. Guy says:

    Non-depressed people can’t understand. I learned long ago to just tell them to F-off. One time this privileged jerk told me to “quit crying and grow up.” I thought for a moment then punched him, sending him to the ground. I jumped on him and left him with a broken nose, two swollen eyes, busted-up lips and a bloody face. Made me feel better than all the so called “anti-depressants” I’ve ever took.

  210. K says:

    I agree with most of the things you said but one comment on here makes me mad “suicide isn’t selfish” are you KIDDING me?! If people love and care about you, and want to help you as best as they can, and you go and commit suicide you’re telling me that’s NOT selfish. Those people who tried to help you will be blaming themselves for their whole life. You’ll be abandoning your loved one and leaving them all thinking it was their fault. Now don’t get me wrong commiting suicide dosent make you a selfish, ungrateful person but it is a very ungrateful act. If someone I loved committed suicide I would be blaming myself and do I deserve that? No. Does anyone deserve that? No again. So I’m sorry but suicide IS selfish and please don’t even think about doing it, for the sake of yourself and the people you love.

    • Abe says:

      My comment is directed (respectfully) to K, who commented that suicide is “a very ungrateful act.” In the sense that, generally societally, suicide is unpleasant and unacceptable, I agree that linguistically it may be “ungrateful.” I cannot speak for you, K, but I sense that when most of us use the word “ungrateful,” we mean its broader sense of not showing gratitude. And in the context you’ve raised–friends and family who love the person contemplating (or having committed) suicide, it seems to me you mean the person experiencing suicidal ideations or who has completed suicide is/was ungrateful for his or her friends’ or family members’ love and support.

      Sorry to have spent so much time on what I believe you mean, but I want to be sure I’m understanding your use of a common word. If I understand your meaning, I respectfully disagree wholeheartedly that suicidals are ungrateful, as the originator of this web-column herself expressed when she adamantly asserted that she does indeed count her blessings. (I am also recalling her poignant recollection of her fiance’s walk as a more effective alternative to telling someone to snap out of it…) Though it is a hackneyed proposition, it nevertheless merits repeating: suicide is a response to stresses that exceed one’s coping mechanisms. People who choose suicide do not do so, I argue, because they are ungrateful for their loved ones’ attentions, but rather despite their deep appreciation for such attentions. They are overwhelmed, drowning, and reaching for the only relief apparent to them.

      The suicidal are grateful for your love, but with a nod to the ubiquitous popular music line, “sometimes love is just not enough.” It doesn’t cure a host of diseases. It is not a guaranteed panacea for life-threatening conditions, depression one among these.

      Again, I mean everything with the utmost of respect, and comment only, like others here, in hopes that the sum total of these expressions will make what is unbearable even a little less so.

    • zhiv says:

      Hi K. I find it interesting that you talk a lot about the people surrounding the suicidal person but not too much about the suicidal person themselves. You are commenting from the point of view that the suicidal person is somehow responsible for the feelings of the other people around them. It is sad when people kill themselves, and the ones left behind can feel devastated, but that is not the fault of the person who has killed themselves. That emotional devastation is a natural consequence of any traumatic event, and not intentional on the part of the suicidal person.

      When a person kills themselves, it’s because they can no longer bear the pain of living. It has nothing to do with how well they are loved or supported. Suicide has nothing to do with any person other than the one experiencing such pain that suicide often becomes the person’s only answer to relieving that pain. And with mental illness, the pain can be a thousand times worse than any physical pain you can imagine.

      It may be terrible for the ones left behind, but if we expect people to live in pain simply because of their attachments to loved ones, it’s almost like saying to the suicidal person ‘you only matter to me as long as you’re keeping me happy. Your feelings don’t mean as much to me as my own feelings. So shut up and keep living whether you want to or not, because I want you to, and what I want is more important than what you want, feel, or need’. I find that stance to be one of supreme selfishness. Yes, suicide is a horrible thing, but who are we to impose life on someone who no longer wishes to live?

      • It never goes away says:

        zhiv, Thank you for putting my feelings into words. When someone decides to end their life it is because the pain of living is so intense. Unless you have been in that dark place, no one can understand that degree of pain and helplessness. There is no hope.

  211. Ashley says:

    I’ve struggled with depression all my life and from what I remember, the only time I actively sought attention for it was in my teenage years- the early ones like 14-15. And that was because I didn’t want to die. There’s always that part of you that honestly doesn’t want to die- but then that god awful part that’s so sure that you do.

    Eventually though the part that wanted to live faded away.
    Everyone has their own kinds of depression but some girls I knew played depression as if it were a game. That’s the only time it annoys me.

    I found a boyfriend who is like my other half- i’ve been with him for 2 and a half years now and he saved my life.

    Please anybody who is depressed hold in there- I promise it’s worth it.
    If it’s not better, then its not the end.

    Please remember that.

    And don’t let anyone make you feel stupid for having depression. Noch Noch I hope you feel better darling. You seem to have many people playing against you with your depression- that’s not any kind of people you need.

    I hope you feel better :/

    I hope you all do.

    But you know there’s always going to be those haters who in the end won’t ever matter LOL- so please don’t let them get to you.

    They’re just background noise.

    • nochnoch says:

      Thanks Ashley for the encouragement and reminding us there is a lot of background noise. Yes people sometimes put us further down. But we can choose not to listen to that

  212. Laurie says:

    I have been trying to help my 32 yo daughter who has been depressed for over half of her life. She wants to die but won’t commit suicide because of me (I told her it would be selfish). One post on here said it’s selfish to not want a person to end their life if it is that terrible. Does everyone think like this? Is this true?

    • Abe says:

      Hi, Laurie. I’m terribly sorry your daughter is in pain, and that you are suffering, too. It’s natural to want the people we love not to be suffering, and to want them to remain around us. We need them–they are integral to our emotional well-being. I won’t address directly whether not wanting someone in pain to commit suicide is selfish. But I wonder why we culturally find it humane to euthanize our pets when they are in unremitting pain, but proscribe the same action when it is humans who are suffering. I am honest in writing that I don’t have answers. But I do know that if I were in grave emotional pain that didn’t respond to the interventions currently available, I’d hope that those who love me would, as I know they would with any of their animal companions, allow me surcease.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Laurie

      I don’t know how to answer that. it’s almost a philosophical debate and everyone would be entitled to what they think. There is not one “truth” in this case, only perception?
      Is your daughter getting therapy for her depression? If it has been for almost 16 years, then maybe something in her life needs to change drastically?

      Noch Noch

  213. Brittany says:

    It actually feels good knowing there are others out there like me and that Im ot some freak in this world. My own father will tell my younger siblings who are elementary age that I’m “just being weird. leave her alone. She gets this way all the time…” and he doesnt tell me I’ll be ok or anything sweet! I am 18 now and for years have benn tokd I cant amount to much and Im not old enough for anything. Now that Im 18 my parents have expected the world of me. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at 16 after we thought I was having seizures. Now, present day my family still looks at me like they have to avoid me. Im made to be babysitter but not allowed to help teach my own siblings. My family makes me feel like im worthless. There isnt hugs or love. I have friends who only say hi once a month on facebook but arent up for face to face conversation. My boyfriend seems to be the only happiness left bur I cant stand relying on one being to bring me happiness! I cant stand living in the projects in a small town wirh no jobs for me! I have no car, and no job. For once I wish I had friends and family there to smile at me with reassurance and a helping hand. To have friends and strangers to talk to with abundance. For once, to have a 1,000 reasons to be here. *sigh*

    • Andrew says:


      I wish I could give you a thousand reasons, hell even one. I’m sorry that you are where you are. I honestly feel for you, I guess because I know how I feel inside when I think the same thing. I tell you, I know how far away the sky looks from the bottom of the hole that you tend to find yourself in, it’s so sad that anyone has to be trapped. Kind of like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon that can’t break out…all it want’s to do is just fly…and thats all people with depression honestly just break out and be free…IMO anyways. Hang in there Britttany. Are there any kind of mental health services available in your area?. In small towns, like you stated you lived, Small towns tend to have such a limited budget, and mental health care doesn’t seem to ever get the long end of the funding stick, but hopefully you have that option open to you.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Brittany
      Glad to know you found some solace here. You can come here to vent and we can all empathize. Are you seeing a therapist for your depression?

      Noch Noch

  214. Andrew says:

    Have you ever been so upset and said or did something emotionally and then think later on “wow that was nuts, I over reacted” or in some way felt silly about your previous actions and glad its over? Now try to picture what would happen if you were trapped in that “emotional moment” indefinitely with all those raw emotions raging for hours….days…months…and yes even sometimes years. Depression is kind of like that for me, the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness that things will ever change, just plain miserable feelings that are impossible to shake no matter what. Over the years sure I’ve learned to hide it to such a point that its easy for others to overlook/ignore without too much effort. I, like many others tend to isolate the world just because of the extra strain it brings to this struggle. These feelings tend to snowball well enough on their own without the extra negative. (Have you ever tried to watch the news miserable?)
    Sometimes there is medicine for some, for those that can afford it, or actually even have a program service or even a Doctor in their county accept patients that can’t. Sometimes medicine isn’t enough, it depends on the severity and or patient. Even reading these responses here, its sad to see how many people really don’t understand/are misinformed about this illness. Telling me to snap out of it, makes about as much sense as telling a diabetic to “snap out of it” or walk it off. This is a proven illness. When your body has a chemical imbalance of insulin, you become a diabetic. When your brain has a chemical imbalance of serotonin it’s called depression. It changes the way your brain processes thoughts. Depression is a thief, it steals all joy, happiness, contentment, positive thought process, and replaces it with negative, sadness, loneliness, frustration anger and hopelessness. Noch its always nice to find someone who “gets it” even if they are in the same boat. Knowing that at least one person out there understands can help ease the burden..even if for a little while.
    Grace and peace

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Andrew
      Yes I have felt like that for a long time. And some times it’s worse than others. These few days I’ve been getting panic attacks and feeling very anxious and overwhelmed with living. I feel like: “I just want to go home”. But I don’t know where home is. It does indeed rob us of happiness and life. I’m trying to channel that energy into writing and hopefully help some one out there. The anger, the rage, the sorrow, somehow it makes me write better. So weird
      Noch Noch

  215. ANNOYED says:


    Stop fucking telling people suicide is selfish!

    I have NO support. I have been slammed by the most typical uneducated suggestions that are known to increase suicidality in clinically depressed persons!

    Telling people it is selfish only increases their current state of self harm….suicide is self harm to stop the pain because they do not have resources to cope with the tremendous pain. BE A RESOURCE and not a guilt driver to these people.

    STOP telling them that they are attention whores or needy or playing a pity card.


    IF A PERSON IS WITHOUT OR HAS A SEVERE LACK OF RESOURCES they DO need attention. THEY NEED RESOURCES. They are verbalizing their pain and asking for EMPATHY and RESOURCES which is often slapped back into their face adding to the guilt and disgust they already feel overwhelmed with…telling them to get off their skinny fat ass and quit the pity party is akin to handing them a bullet to load the gun with.

    You have NO IDEA what people are going through in depression and the many facets in their head – the tapes going through – the shrinks who are often tired of getting the patient who calls to help adjust meds on a friday to make it through yet another shit wkend.

    We know more than anyone that begging, pleading, talking about needing help gets nothing but disdain or a temporary ear to listen. NO ONE in my case has offered to HELP ME. I get yelled at and abused and labeled

    Suicide is selfish? BULLSHIT. Telling someone they are selfish for having clinical depression is the same as telling someone with terminal cancer to GET OVER IT and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You cannot see the scars in our brains or the night terrors and panic attacks that are debilitating.

    Selfish are those who mock suicide and depression. NONE of us WANT to fucking die. We wanted help. Family to be there. Just as if we had CANCER.

    Selfish are those who tell someone clinically depressed to think positive and that it is possible when they are having hallucinations from a lack of resources and overwhelmed w poverty, homelessness and stress….divorce….loss of the kids they raised…

    Selfish are those who cannot be bothered to step outside of their WELL MIND to learn all they can about depression – so they can stop helping push those on the edge over the cliff in guilting them for depressive feelings of wanting to escape the pain through suicide.

    Screw it

  216. ANNOYED says:

    Depressed people are not “just sad” but suffering from a serious, and in many cases debilitating, medical condition.

    Be a good listener. The best thing you can do is listen to your loved one talk about the depression. Be prepared to hear anything that he or she may say, and try not to look too shocked even if he or she is saying something truly awful, because that will shut them down. Be open and caring.

    What a person suffering from depression needs most is compassion and understanding. Not only do you have to listen well, but you have to be sensitive about what you say when you talk about the depression.

    Telling someone to “snap out of it” or “lighten up” is an awful, unhelpful thing to say. Be sensitive. Think about how you’d like it if someone told you to pull your socks up when you feel as if the world is against you and everything is falling apart.

    The best things to say are, “How can I help you?” or “I will always be here for you. I won’t leave you to face this on your own.” Try saying, “I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad. What can I do to help?”

    Stay in contact. Call your loved one, write him or her an encouraging card or letter, or visit him or her at home. This will show that you will stick by him or her no matter what. There are many different ways to stay in contact with the person you care about.

    Direct your frustration at the illness, not the person.

    Check in at least once a day so you know your loved one is coping.

    Depressed people who talk about suicide are not doing it for the attention???? – god forbid people w serious depression need attention because needing attention is such a frikkin weakness!

    Never, ever, ever tell your friend, “Don’t be a drama queen,” “Get over it”

    Why don’t they do something about it ?

    The truth is – so many just can’t do it – even though they suffer needlessly, or commit suicide.

    The very symptoms of depression, the very despair and hopelessness, and the pain caused by so many other self-perpetuating thoughts and feelings – literally immobilize.


    Even when they do – those helping may be guilting them or hurting them with holier than thou uneducated solutions.

    How family members, society as a whole, and how we ourselves perceive and react to depression can literally paralyze any efforts a person might make toward getting help.

    Depression carries a terrible social stigma from family, from others & from ourselves.

    Unless you are going through a divorce, death or other trauma, people cannot understand depression.

    Emotional pain in our society is seen as a personal weakness, not a symptom of a physical disorder, chemical imbalance or nutrient deficiency.

    People still think you can just

    Snap out of it
    Decide for it to stop
    “Will” it away
    People innocently try to cheer us up, make light of it or talk us out of it

    We all feel depressed sometimes.
    Grin and bear it (actually, we – depressed people – do this a lot !!)
    “Smile even though your heart is breaking”
    And, uninformed people (co-workers, family, the doctor) can say terribly hurtful things which can paralyze any attempts a depressed person might make to get help.

    Get a life, Get a grip, Get over it
    Life is hard for all of us – what makes you so special !?
    Oh, boo, hoo, she’s gonna go kill herself ! What a manipulator ! She uses that to get whatever she wants. (These things were said about me.)
    They just don’t know that depression is a physical illness. Even depressed people don’t get it.

    Even in a close family, having to tell someone how you feel is a risk and leaves you open, vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.

    Will they believe you ?
    Will you be taken seriously ?
    Or will they make you feel foolish, weak, and horribly embarrassed ?
    Will you be left alone once again with those dark and deadly emotions ?
    No wonder depression is so hard to come to terms with – “Ask for Help” ? – ha !
    Depression comes with Utter Guilt, Shame, & Embarrassment for having these feelings.

    We can feel it’s Our Own Fault
    We are weak, cowardly, wimpy for “giving in” to “feelings” and “weak” emotions.
    Aren’t we strong enough to “fight it ?”
    “What’s wrong with me – why can’t I shake this ?”

    Aren’t we tougher than that ?
    Do we have a lack of strength or goodness in our character or personality ?
    Are we bad & deserve to be punished ?
    We see our lives as meaningless & hopeless

    We should never have been born.
    It is our destiny to die
    Treatment is hopeless
    It’s all drugs & psychotherapy
    Nothing is going to help now or ever – Not enough to make living worthwhile.

    We may fear losing control over our lives
    We may fear not having choice, control or understanding of treatments

    Fear of Being

    dependant on antidepressant drugs
    labeled “mentally ill”
    locked up in an institution – drugged or hospitalized against our will
    lost in the hands of the mental health system

    The biochemistry of depression makes you feel & believe

    that this depression is your fault
    that you will never get better
    and that you must die.

    • zhiv says:

      Thankyou, Annoyed, for your valuable insight in your comments. It’s something so many of us struggle to articulate, especially regarding suicide. I did a short mental health course last week and the group talked about suicide. We learned that talking about suicide is not going to make someone try to kill themselves. In fact, talking about suicide to a person who is suicidal may actually validate their feelings, because they are being heard and understood. It might make them less likely to kill themselves, especially if they are then encouraged to find professional help and self-help. I wish more people could talk about suicide openly, without fear of ridicule or without people trying to discourage, guilt-trip, lecture or ‘make things better’. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for being so open.

    • Abe says:

      Annoyed, you’re my newest hero/heroine. :) I have never had the guts to express so primally what you have. Thank you for speaking up for so many too ashamed/frightened/beaten-down to speak up for ourselves. A million thanks.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Annoyed

      I think we can understand your annoyance, and I am glad this post has been able to stimulate discussion. I think a lot of people do not understand what mental illnesses are and just find us “weird”. But it is also because they do not know and it’s not their fault. I must admit I was one of those presumptious people before I had my bouts of clinical depression and tried to kill myself. now I know. So now I want to help raise awareness because I have been on both sides
      Hope you will also help others understand too


  217. YY says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one, but don’t see any way out. In public I am strong, happy and independent. My family, siblings and friends thought I’m the smart one, the strong one. Everybody asking for advice, for help. The fact is I cry every day, every chances when noone sees me. I feel so lonely, so down, and I don’t see why should I live. My mom thinks I’m being ungrateful, everytime I try to say how I feel. My friends think I have periods and nobody give a shit to what I’m about to say. Exactly what u said. Everybody told me to focus on myself, go shopping, get a hobby, snap out of it… And all I want to do is snap at them or just slap them. And now I’m depressed all the time. I don’t know how to snap out of it

    • zhiv says:

      Hi YY, you are not alone. All of us with depression put on the ‘happy face’ for our friends, family, work colleagues, and the world in general. Maybe this is why your family cannot understand ‘why’ you are depressed, because all they see is ‘happy face’ and might not want to see anything else. I would suggest first going to your doctor and seeing if anything can be done. I don’t know how you feel about going on medication, but that may be something to consider. After all, if you were suffering from epilepsy or diabetes, you’d take medication for that, wouldn’t you? Taking medication for an illness like depression is exactly the same.

      There is no ‘snapping out of’ depression. That’s like saying ‘snap out of cancer’. It just wouldn’t, and couldn’t, happen. What may help you is talking to your doctor, maybe starting on medication, and finding a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist to talk to. All of these steps can be taken without the knowledge of the people around you. You don’t have to tell them what help you’re getting, or that you’re on meds. Your health is your business, nobody else’s.

      The commenter called Annoyed has said everything I wanted to say. Those people that don’t understand depression, can make things even harder for those of us who struggle daily just to keep ourselves alive. And depression can be such a hard, gigantic struggle, that for some, suicide is the answer. Please don’t feel bad if you’re thinking of killing yourself. We have all done it, and many of us consider suicide every day. Thinking about it doesn’t mean you’re going to kill yourself, though. It’s a thought that can pop into your head 1000 times a day. When I’m severely depressed, or going through crisis, I think about killing myself, I even think of the ways I’m going to do it. But thinking and talking about suicide, for a depressed person, is normal. And there are many things you can do yourself to start feeling better. For instance, there’s probably a mental health support group or centre in your town. It’s a good idea to try and find it, because you will meet other people like yourself, who will validate you and what you are experiencing. Your family and friends are not qualified or trained in mental health, so they won’t really have an idea of how to help you. You can find ways to help yourself, and this will involve asking the right people (doctor, counsellor, mental health workers, other people with MH issues) for help. Asking for help is the best thing you can do to help yourself. You’ve already reached out here. You can reach out in the real world, too.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi YY

      I guess the strong front is wearing you out? i had that too. It’s tiring and overwhelming and not healthy :(
      Have you been diagnosed clinically? What did the doctors say? there are many different types of depression and I hope you find the right treatment for it!


  218. Anaiah says:

    I’ve been dealing with depression for 3 years. I’m now 16 and I just started getting help for it in January. I’m taking meds, in therapy and I am trying. But many days I find it hard to get out of bed. My mother has been supportive but this has been slowly deteriorating. Many days I can’t make it to school because of my depression. Because of this, I am severely behind. Naturally, this upsets my mother. Every day miss school, her hope for me fades a little more. Because I know this, I feel hopeless too. My own mother is giving up on me. Over the weekend I got a cold. It turned into muscle aches and weakness. It’s raining today and I feel really ill so I asked to stay home and my mother blew up on me. She said many hurtful things like I’m sick of you and I’m tired of this. Her last words to me was I’m done with you. This makes me feel completely hopeless, helped and worthless. My mom is the only reason why I’m hanging on and she’s done with me. This makes me want to end it all. I’m afraid for my own safety that I feel like if I get out of bed ill do something horrible to myself. What should I do?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Anaiah

      I’m sorry to hear of your experience and also about your mother. She might be very frustrated with herself too for not knowing how to help

      I understand your worry about hurting yourself. I get that too. When that happens, I call or email my psychologist, and usually he can put me at ease or because I promise him I will not hurt myself till I see him next, it helps me stay alive and also I try to find other things to distract myself

      Hope this helps.
      Noch Noch

  219. college student says:

    What I find very difficult is taking the risk to open up to friends and hope that they will be compassionate only to be met with a lack of empathy or any response really. I shared my cutting with a friend once I decided to try to take better care of myself and asked him to keep an eye on my arms and tell me to stop if he saw anything. He is now (around 6 months later) someone who shows me no kindness or friendships and acts as if I never shared that with him. It is very painful to hope for someone to care enough about you harming yourself only to be met with nothing. It perpetuates a feeling of unworthiness, as if your friend doesn’t care if you are hurting yourself. I try to remind myself that his affirmation is not what will make me a strong person. It should come from within myself. I have good periods when I am happy(ish) with myself but the lack of kindness from people I spend so much time around is discouraging. Any advice?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi College student

      Sorry to hear of that, and I hope you don’t cut yourself anymore. Partly, I think your friends who are “unkind” might just be scared/anxious/worried etc and don’t know how to react to your news. They might not know how to respond, or what you would like them to respond. So they drift off. I find people are generally uncomfortable too when I tell them I was sick and tried to kill myself. They change topic immediately. I don’t think they are unkind. I just think they don’t know what to say in case they offend me. So I had to explain to them.
      Maybe you could try telling them what you hope them to do
      If that fails – then yes, need some new friends. And I know you can find them. I found some new soulmates through this depression experience, and you would be surprised how many people share your same concerns, worries, anxieties and stress…

      In any case, you can write to us any time you want here!

    • Tempus says:

      I applaud you opening up to someone, and advise you next time to open up to somebody with psychiatric training, or who can refer you to some one who can give you real life help–for instance, the nurses at your college health center or the student life counselor.

      I am not at all excusing your friends behavior, but college students are notoriously unstable, and you can only expect them to have as much real world experience as yourself. It might be he was going through just enough crap he could handle, and your revelation pushed him over the edge and depleted his mental resources. Anyway, best of luck to you with your journey.

  220. Jade says:


    after reading your “list”, i realised how much of that has been said to me by my parents and best friend(the only people who know), and how it hurt more than anything else to feel like no one could see the problems im having and that they all are frankly quite insensitive…

    i never thought of myself as someone who was weak but for the last few months thats all iv been. is it normal that i hate myself for not being able to just pick myself up and carry on with my life?

    well last week thursday my psychologist told me she suggests i start see’ing someone so i can be put on an anti-depressant.
    is anti-depressants the only option for me? has anyone been on them that can offer some advice?

    …im losing myself and its scary.

    • soul sista nyc says:

      hi jade,

      about a month ago i said the same thing to my psychiatrist: this is really scaring me. my brain was telling me the only way out was suicide. i did not trust antidepressants because i had been on one for a year and it didn’t help (with a different doctor).

      she was very wise and told me to research 2 new meds on the market, one being Pristiq. i researched both and people were leaving reviews saying they felt better within a day or tow – overwhelmingly. the suicidal thoughts disappeared overnight after my first dose.

      the recovery will still take time but i don’t feel like dying anymore. i feel like my life in society is over but now i can understand that that is depression and it’s possible i will be well within the next few months.

      the thoughts that come with depression FEEL real and the crippling effect is real but those thoughts are not true and i now that i have a psych i trust and understands me (i have PTSD also) and a great new psychologist i refuse to leave no stone unturned.

      ss nyc

      • Steve says:

        I’ve been on just about every antidepressant and combinations of antidepressants. I just started Pristique about 3 weeks ago. I am a completely different person. Not totally “well” yet but i went from sleeping 19 out of 24 hours a day and not caring about ANYTHING….to, almost (probably) being manic and rearranged the apartment, finally hung pictures on the wall after having lived here 2.5 years, gardening on my balcony. I HAVE to force myself to go to bed now. It’s a bit overwhelming for me, one extreme to another…but, DAMN it feels freaking awesome to actuallylike myself enough to not want to kill myself. I’m on my way.
        Much luck to you :)

        • soul sista nyc says:

          i’m so happy for you! i hope you have a long and happy life and can out this behind you. of course, if you get TOO happy, let your doc know 😉

          xo soul sista nyc

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Steve

          Sounds like you found a way for yourself too! Good luck to you too!!!
          Noch Noch

    • Jade says:

      thank you for commenting!

      i feel scared to try it, but im trusting that if its helping you it can help me too…and i think thats what i need right now- is just to understand that this actually is depression. that there is a reason for everything that im feeling, that im not crazy.

      its so good when you’ve found someone you can speak to, someone who doesnt judge you and doesnt consider you weak, im glad to have found a psychologist who gets me.

      thank you, honestly for your comment.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Jade

      I feel your fear. I feel that too, a lot 3 years ago, and now episodic. It’s not about normality or not, the depression is making you unable to control things and emotions you used to be able to control. So now you feel “weak”. But it’s not weakness. Your body and mind need to make some adjustments and changes, and it’s the down time for them. They are protecting themselves.

      I was on anti-depressants too. I was so ill I was forced to take them. It helped lift up the biological chemical level of serotonin. But I kept seeing my psychologist, because whilst physical factors took place, also mental factors was more of a contributing factor to my depression. So I had to learn to change my thoughts and also to confront issues, and release stress. So it also depends on your cause of depression


  221. Shevie says:

    Thank you so much for your article, I know that if my family had researched a little about depression, they wouldn’t say at least 2 of the things in your list to me. I wish I could email them the link to this page, but of course I want them to want to know about these things and really look it up.
    Another thing is being a Christian and suffering from depression, it messes with your faith in God, and I told a family member. And she said just focus on God.
    But if she were really listening she would know that doesn’t register in my head.
    I love Jesus and I really want to trust Him again. But if you’re a Christian and depressed, it doesn’t help when other people are trying to shove their faiths down your throat, as if you’ve never heard of the things they’re trying to say to you.
    I’m in school at another country, but it’s starting again, a slow progression into the dumps.
    I just want to go home. I’m in danger of losing my scholarship (and this doesn’t help with my depression either). It’s made me anxious and more weepy.
    I just wish my parents would say, “If you can’t continue with your studies, just come home, everything will be fine”.
    But no, they’re more concerned of what people will say of their daughter losing her scholarship.
    And after everything that I’ve been through, my dad had the audacity to tell me to focus on my studies and pay more attention.
    As if I’m purposely trying to fail, as if I want to fail.
    Why is this happening to us?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Shevie

      Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Maybe it’s also your parents and family not understanding the illness and so don’t kow what to do. Do they know you have been diagnosed with depression? Do they support your therapy?
      I agree re faith. It didn’t really help me with my depression. Reading the Bible did, but the church didn’t and some people even said I was being punished by God. So I drifted away from the church, even though I still read the Bible some times. I grew up as a Christian too

      I don’t know why it happens to us. I think in the grand scheme of things, it’s a lesson and learning experience to make us do greater things in the future. Did you read one of my posts on how lots of great leaders and famous people int he world have depression?

      Noch Noch

      • Shevie says:

        Thank you for replying back. I haven’t read your other articles but I definitely will. I haven’t been diagnosed. I can’t even leave my apartment. I’m just waiting for the school counsellor to get back at me so we can set up a meeting. Even though I haven’t been diagnosed, I know I am depressed. Depression has sort of crippled me, not physically but in terms of other aspects of my life. I can’t even look at my french notes and study which is the easiest paper that I’m doing. I could pass easily even if I don’t go to class. But that doesn’t motivate me. And I can’t even write an essay. It’s like I’m mentally blocked. I don’t even want to leave the house to get groceries, I have everything delivered over.
        I can’t just pack up and go home, my dad will say “this is not an option, to just hold on a little longer”. I would stay but of course I can’t leave the house. I am just stuck. And when you’re stuck like this you’re starting to think of a way out. I was thinking of drugs. And for the first time last night, crying myself to sleep, I thought of suicide, a couple of pain-free ways to go.
        A couple of years ago when I hadn’t realized my depression, me and my friend was talking about suicide, and I said that if lose my scholarship I’d commit suicide, but my friend said, “your family would rather have a stripped-scholarship Shevie than a dead Shevie”.
        Right now, I don’t care if I lose my scholarship, even by some miracle, I pass this semester, there is no way I can handle another semester in a foreign country.
        I cried last night for myself too, I know that my family, (dad especially) will treat me differently.
        I don’t mean they’ll treat me like I’m fragile. No, they’ll treat me like crap, they’ll bring up my failure. It’s how they treated my older sister, she didn’t finish high school, my dad always picks on her. When my sister’s really nice and happy, my dad always finds something to upset her then she’ll leave crying. I’ve noticed this for so long. It’s like my older sister’s input on anything has no value because she didn’t finish high school. My brother this year decided to drop out of high school, and he’s been living at his friend’s house, ’cause he knows if he’s at home, my dad and my other sister (who’s really successful; she’s a nurse) will pick on him, make him do chores, belittle him just because he didn’t finish high school. I’m surprised he’s not depressed too. And now me; this is my fate.
        I think my brother will probably be the only one in the family to have my back. Other than that it really IS just me in this world. “Me Against The World” as 2Pac put it.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi Shevie

          But it’s you and all of us here against the world – though I prefer not to think I am against the world. It is true a lot of people don’t understand, and the lack of understanding leads to frustrations in communication. Even though our parents and friends love us, sometimes their love is not expressed in a way which makes us comfortable, especially when dealing with mental health challenges. I hope you school counselor comes back to you soon – perhaps you could tell him/her about your suicidal thoughts too and they should put you on priority.

          In any case, write to me / us here any time. This is a good support platform. You are not alone in this

          Noch Noch

        • Tempus says:

          I’m sorry, your description of your family dynamics really sent up a red flag to me–that only one kid out of a family of four was able to complete school–and then that child becomes the favorite while the other kids are belittled.

          Okay, listen–you’re dad probably won’t agree to this, but it sounds like you’re all in need of some serious family therapy. Your unhealthy dynamics might be a contributing factor in your depression. You don’t mention a mom. I sense a lot of issues all over the place.

          I come from a very similar story, and I know (I was the over-achiever–with HEAPS of pressure to stay in parents good graces, and loads and loads of survivors guilt). Try to get help if you can.

  222. Mhitch says:

    My ex broke up with me but I realised he is suffering from clinical depression. Well I know I am not an expert, but all the signs are there. I did not realise earlier in our relationship. And from the things I read from different websites, I think I said all the crap that should be avoided when talking to a depress person.

    I want to help him be we live half way around the world. I am from Philippines and he is from USA. He is throwing fits like, I don’t wanna wake up anymore and I hate it here and so on and so forth. I am not hurting anymore because I understand now what he might be suffering from. I still love him and eventhough we are no longer a couple, I still care for him.

    I try to use whatever I learnt from different websites and I think it is working. He is starting to talk to me again. He tried to talk to me before about his depression but I did not recognise the signs. He said before that he is trying to tell me he needs help but I panicked and I thought he was talking about out relationship. That is when he started to stop talking about his depression. Thank God with all the information I see here, he is starting to talk to me again and hopefully trusta me again to talk to me more about what he feels.

    What maybe I am trying to ask here are more things I could say to him. Like when he say, I hate it here, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to move or wake up anymore. I am not sure if it is okay to say I am sorry you feel that way?

    Thanks guys.

  223. Mhitch says:

    Also, I would like some advise on how to open up to him about trying to see a doctor?

  224. Shannon says:

    In massive response to #1 on your list, and a few others, check out my blog. I have been through depression three times, and twice had to be medicated. It wasn’t until I started talking to a counselor that I actually began to know what was happening in my head, and how to begin to teach myself to stop the pattern of negativity.

  225. Nothing says:


    This may seem like a really idiotic question but, how do I know if someone is depressed? My friend always seems unhappy when she comes to class, but eventually she’s smiling and making jokes. Then sometimes she cries for a whole period. She talks about killing herself, how her family hates her, and that her mother told her to um, kill herself. She gets excited when she cuts herself, does dangerous things like nearly falling out of a two story balcony. Doesn’t that seem strange for.. Um, someone under 14 years old.. Admittedly, when she starts talking about killing herself, some of our friends do say things like the things you mentioned above like “Don’t commit suicide’or “Why are you so moody nowadays’. Then she justs shuts up and walks away.

    …..Just a little girl’s friend. Sorry if this was a childish question.

    • Emma says:

      first, NEVER EVER think that that is a childish question! This is exactly how I was just six and a half months ago. Make sure any time one of your friends says something like that, just tell them to watch their words. Tell them to think about everyone else’s feelings before their own. Make sure your friend knows she’s loved and cared for, and that if she ever needs someone, that there’s someone out there! be it you, or someone online, such as the blog I linked this message to, or anyone. If she really really needs help right away, take her to your school nurse, (STAY WITH HER) and help her explain out what’s going on. If the Nurse is no help, find your favourite teacher, and just try to help her find help. A lot of schools now have counseling attached to the schooling. Just make sure that she knows there are plenty of people who she can talk to to get it all out.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Nothing

      It’s hard to tell for someone not professionally trained I suppose. Just by reading her symptoms here, I don’t know if she is depressed or manic, or bipolar, or have other issues. The best to do is to ask your friend if she would like to see a counselor to talk about what’s troubling her

      Noch Noch

  226. monika says:

    please help!
    i understood what you mean but than you said that we should leave it to the doctors. my mom is depresed ,and she and my dad argue allot (even though they try to hide it).she takes Antidepressant latly and i think it’s getting worse because she says that she is going to kill herself ,and i don’t think my dad is helping her(she says to him that he don’t care to know how she feels) ,that’s why i think that i am the only one that can help her .so my first question is -is the right thing to do is to talk to her about it? i want her to know that i love her and worry about her ,i want to tell her that she can talk to me about
    whats bothering her ,is that the right thing to do?
    i’m scared to bother her because she might feels like she is not a good mother for making me worry (i’m also afraid to cry in the middle of the conversation because that’s what happens usually when i talk about my feelings).
    the second question is -is doing small things for her ,intending to cheer her up will hurt her ? because that might bring her the massage that her problem is just something small .i want to make her day better .
    please help me !

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Monika

      It’s hard to assess as I’m not a professional. I think the best thing to do is let you know you love her and you are there for her if she ever wants to talk to you. So she can make the decision whether to share with you or not. Is she seeing a counselor or a doctor? it’s best to let a professional handle

      Noch Noch

  227. Suman Puri says:

    At last…… Someone in this world is also going or has gone through all this.
    I must say that you have expressed yourself in a very -very authentic way. I hope , it will help others to understand,how can they help a depressed person.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi SUman

      Thank you for your kind words. I hope it will help others too. You are not alone in going through this!

      Noch Noch