I was getting stressed out about not having written and posted another article for nearly a week. Nor had I gone through my to-do list and ticked things off. Then I got an email from a fellow blogger having befriended each other over cyber space, telling me that he just posted my rambles on his site (thanks again!). It was a timely enlightenment to remind myself that I stress about achieving things too much, and that perhaps by not doing anything, I may gain more in the end.
So instead of turning the computer on yesterday, I sunk into the sofa cushions, basked in the sun rays through the window, and simply appreciated the cozy home I had. Surveying the room, I caught sight of the array of crystal adornments I collect.
A close friend of mine gave me a Swarovski crystal nemo many moons ago, right about the time I started my first job out of university, gingerly entering the corporate world but putting on this face that I was so sure of myself and who I was. My crystal nemo has travelled quite a few cities with me as I moved around with my job, and it still stands proud in my apartment today. Whatever befalls, it wears an incessant smile. I once did too; smile my giggles whether I was sick to the bones or annoyed to gloom.
Behind the smile I wore everyday, I was pretending to be someone I wanted to be, but did not have the courage to be completely, unreservedly, be who I was.
Sitting on the sofa, I mused over a quick catch up with this same friend a few months ago, he asked me, “Noch, what would you do differently looking back? Not as in specific decisions or tasks, but your attitude in general?” I brushed off the question slightly, and murmured something to salvage my awkwardness. “Hmm… maybe I’d be less of a control freak?” I had replied, hoping that’d suffice and he would stop probing and catch me off guard.
Yesterday though, as I thought about his question, I realized I probably was not as in tune with my true self, or self aware, as I thought I was.
I was too worried and concerned about what others thought of me.
Therefore, in the spirit of the New Year, when everyone makes resolutions on what to do in 2012, I dare to stray from convention and look at my attitude and outlook in life in the past 30 years. After all, if I don’t understand my thoughts and actions in the past, how will I go about finding more clarity now? So more revelations first.
When mentality changes, so will behaviour.
So,if given a second chance, I’d change my mentality for the past 30 years as follows:
– Be less fearful of losing
– Know – and admit – I was manipulative, and use it consciously to get my way
– Be less risk averse, and calculate my risks less
– Ponder less the consequences
– Have fun and simply enjoy myself
– Experiment more, with every aspect possible (including things like kissing strangers etc…)
– Care less what image I portray for others
– Care less what others say of me, or assume they would say of me
– Fight back when I feel wronged and misunderstood
– Don’t feel guilt tripped by anyone or anything
– Feel less responsible for others’ welfare
– Be less controlled, less calm, and less collected
– Let my hair down and go crazy more
– Stop thinking I am really mature and have my life together – it boxes me up
– Love like I have nothing to lose
– Don’t play victim
– Don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone
– Stop dramatizing every event (especially when it came to liking someone)
– Laugh at myself more
– Let down my pride
Too many suppressed emotions and thoughts, and way too much fear back in those days.
And to what avail? In the end I just hurt myself and caused myself heartaches and pain. Self-brought destruction.
From these revelations, rather than a list of tasks I undertake to complete, I’m opting for a change in mindset.
Going forwards – no, right now and for every moment in the present – let change my perspectives, mentality, and ways I react to the environment.
In short, I just need to take myself, and life less seriously.
But crystal nemo can keep smiling: to remind me, whatever befalls, laugh it off.
2012 will be good – no, GREAT.
I am not very fond of New Year Resolutions. I know that I may not keep them since I might have other immediate concerns to deal with as the year goes by. Even so, it is good to have a overall guiding word. Not sure if you are familiar with the I-Ching since you were born in the East. I’m from Singapore anyway. But in any case, having divined that 2012 will be a year of “Biting Through” obstacles for me (not my favourite situation by far) the only logical guiding word to have that requires the least effort on my part is “Perseverance.”
I like how you have honestly examined your thoughts and actions in the past. Indeed this is a very good way to gain more clarity in your life and to make the changes you need to live the life you want.
Clarity is so important. When I am not clear or unsure, I am unable to take decisive action. Even though I can foresee the outcome of my actions and choices before I make them, it still requires creativity and clarity on my part to shape the outcome I want. I still have to be the guiding mind and hand to decide what to or not to do. I still have to think of creative solutions to the problems I face.
Since I have to “Bite Through” obstacles this year, I resolve to “outsource” my uncertainty. To look for help and guidance from sources and people who might have the insights and answers I lack. From there, it is an easy matter of making the best choice of who to listen to and follow.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article and a Happy New Year to you! I hope 2012 will be a great year for you!! 🙂
Irving the Vizier
I-Ching, a little knowledge but I can’t say I know it very well, so thanks for sharing your thoughts. “Biting through” sounds like a tough year head for you? INdeed perseverance when you want to give up. I’ve wanted to give up my life so many times in the process but still somehow hanging on in there…. maybe I need to “bite through” a bit more too
You are right, I’m trying to get some clarity in my thoughts and actions, but I”m also mindful I don’t go overboard in trying to “perfect” that clarity… let’s help each other in our clarity searching process, shall we?
Thanks for coming by and I hope you will come back. All the best to you too for 2012!
“I stress about achieving things too much, and that perhaps by not doing anything, I may gain more in the end.” This statement is so true!
You are so right about changing within in order to make changes “out there.” As long as the mind is kept in a relatively relaxed state then we can begin to take control of ourselves and ultimately our lives.
Hi Justin – indeed, and because I finally stopped myself from stressing and sat down and sipped my tea, I came up with the idea of this blog post, and “reaped more”. In the past I think I’d be less stressed once I had everything done. now I realize I need to just realx first, and have a comfortable state of mind as you say, and then I can actually get things done and feel good about it!!
The beauty about you and your writing is that you can articulate your emotions and feelings accurately. We as humans encounter so many different emotions and feelings everyday, yet very few of us can pen them down as well as you do.
Reading through your entries, I can’t help but realise that I may be reading about my own life through your words….
Thank you so much for your compliments and I’m so flattered to hear that you resonate with my writing. I hope you find some inspiration and please do share your experience. Thanks for coming by my site
I wrote a post about being more awakened. It is very short but sums up 3 principles that I live by. These insights are not mine.(meaning I didn’t figure these out on my own.) All credit goes to Eckhart Tolle and his creation of the book “Power of Now” .
It may sound cliche but this book has changed my life. I was down and out so bad, man.
Now I look at things from a very, very different point of view.
“Let down my pride” — that’s so wise…………….since pride is weakness.
love the tips, love the post!
Hi Akos, a friend was telling me about this book as well recently, maybe I should get it and read it. I’m glad you found your way of life and new point of view. It all boils down to perspectives in the end doesn’t it. Same thing, different emotion and reaction makes the difference. I’m trying to change mine too!
I think you nailed it – not take life so seriously. Placing a burden on ourselves that we’re in charge, that it’s all up to us, just leads to suffering. But when we step back, let life evolve around us, trust in a higher power to lead us… We notice just how beautifully everything comes together.
This is not to say that we can simply sit back and wait for life to happen. We should still direct our energy, our manifestation on the outcome of our choosing, or simply in our trust that whatever the outcome is, it will be the best one for us.
Thank you for another great write!
You’re right, it’s all a balance between doing what we can and then letting it develop and go with the flow. I really need to take myself less seriously too. If I can dance along the way why march strictly. Either way though, can’t forget the flowers on the wayside
And yes, my fiance always says “manifest” what I want. I hardly realize the power of that. But thanks for bringing it up and reminding us to channel our energy. We need to want something enough too right? 😉
i was in the exact same shoes 2 yrs ago (i am 29 now). took me a while to gain my old self back but i did it !
i am not in IB anymore but am quite happy with what i do and who i am! i laugh again and do not cry at night!
keep on! you are doing all the right things to find yourself!
hahaha glad you got out of IB. Must have been a good but tiring run? What are you doing now?
BUt in any case, happy to know you are comfortable with who you are now. I’m slowly getting there, sometimes I still shudder at other people’s looks, imagining how they might be judging me. It’s gonna take me some time but I’m sure I’ll get there
Thanks for the support!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. And I believe writing is healing, healing you, but also others who read you. so thank you. I just came back from Us, and I feel lethargic and nostalgic. But I watch the snow, and I am thinking the snow gives a reason for winter to to be.
Wishing you a healthy 2012, be blessed with love, peace, and light.
Happy new year to you!! So happy you came to visit my blog 🙂
Its been a while since we last saw each other. Thanks for leaving a note here… Yes we all carry on somehow. In a way i almost wish it would snow a bit more!
Take care and hope to catch you too. Wish you best of health and every success for 2012
While searching for New Year resolutions posts, I stumlbed upon your Blog and found it instantly interesting.
I have been writing motivational articles here and there, but this year decided to start writing daily on ShakeChilli.com
Company of other Motivational bloggers is one thing which I found to act like a catalyst for wirting regularly.
I hope you have a great 2012.
I wrote my take on 2012 at following post: http://shakechilli.com/motivational-blog/2012-end-beginning-or-nothing/
Congrats on your writing and your revelations about 2012. I hope you will have a great it too!
Thanks for coming by my blurbs
Lets all motivate each other to write!! 🙂
[…] has been some 18 months since I started venting out my life’s lamentations – and revelations – on a blog, but perhaps only the last 6 months or do did I open it up to more people via […]
[…] So despite the ongoing treatments and physical pains, I should be proud of myself. […]