I was getting stressed out about not having written and posted another article for nearly a week. Nor had I gone through my to-do list and ticked things off. Then I got an email from a fellow blogger having befriended each other over cyber space, telling me that he just posted my rambles on his site (thanks again!). It was a timely enlightenment to remind myself that I stress about achieving things too much, and that perhaps by not doing anything, I may gain more in the end.
So instead of turning the computer on yesterday, I sunk into the sofa cushions, basked in the sun rays through the window, and simply appreciated the cozy home I had. Surveying the room, I caught sight of the array of crystal adornments I collect.
A close friend of mine gave me a Swarovski crystal nemo many moons ago, right about the time I started my first job out of university, gingerly entering the corporate world but putting on this face that I was so sure of myself and who I was. My crystal nemo has travelled quite a few cities with me as I moved around with my job, and it still stands proud in my apartment today. Whatever befalls, it wears an incessant smile. I once did too; smile my giggles whether I was sick to the bones or annoyed to gloom.
Behind the smile I wore everyday, I was pretending to be someone I wanted to be, but did not have the courage to be completely, unreservedly, be who I was.
Sitting on the sofa, I mused over a quick catch up with this same friend a few months ago, he asked me, “Noch, what would you do differently looking back? Not as in specific decisions or tasks, but your attitude in general?” I brushed off the question slightly, and murmured something to salvage my awkwardness. “Hmm… maybe I’d be less of a control freak?” I had replied, hoping that’d suffice and he would stop probing and catch me off guard.
Yesterday though, as I thought about his question, I realized I probably was not as in tune with my true self, or self aware, as I thought I was.
I was too worried and concerned about what others thought of me.
Therefore, in the spirit of the New Year, when everyone makes resolutions on what to do in 2012, I dare to stray from convention and look at my attitude and outlook in life in the past 30 years. After all, if I don’t understand my thoughts and actions in the past, how will I go about finding more clarity now? So more revelations first.
When mentality changes, so will behaviour.
So,if given a second chance, I’d change my mentality for the past 30 years as follows:
- Be less fearful of losing
- Know – and admit – I was manipulative, and use it consciously to get my way
- Be less risk averse, and calculate my risks less
- Ponder less the consequences
- Have fun and simply enjoy myself
- Experiment more, with every aspect possible (including things like kissing strangers etc…)
- Care less what image I portray for others
- Care less what others say of me, or assume they would say of me
- Fight back when I feel wronged and misunderstood
- Don’t feel guilt tripped by anyone or anything
- Feel less responsible for others’ welfare
- Be less controlled, less calm, and less collected
- Let my hair down and go crazy more
- Stop thinking I am really mature and have my life together – it boxes me up
- Love like I have nothing to lose
- Don’t play victim
- Don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone
- Stop dramatizing every event (especially when it came to liking someone)
- Laugh at myself more
- Let down my pride
Too many suppressed emotions and thoughts, and way too much fear back in those days.
And to what avail? In the end I just hurt myself and caused myself heartaches and pain. Self-brought destruction.
From these revelations, rather than a list of tasks I undertake to complete, I’m opting for a change in mindset.
Going forwards – no, right now and for every moment in the present - let change my perspectives, mentality, and ways I react to the environment.
In short, I just need to take myself, and life less seriously.
But crystal nemo can keep smiling: to remind me, whatever befalls, laugh it off.
2012 will be good – no, GREAT.