I was going through some of my old journals recently, and stumbled upon this letter I wrote to myself sometime early 2010 after a suicide attempt. It just reminded me of the journey I’ve taken this past year or so, and that perhaps, I need to constantly remind myself that, it will be ok….
< Dearest Noch
It’s about time I wrote to you and told you some thoughts I’ve had throughout these past few months and specifically these last few weeks. I know it wasn’t easy for you to accept that you’ve collapsed to the lowest point of your life on earth, and to acknowledge that you needed help, and couldn’t stand back up on your own. Worse, you wanted to give up and take your own life and stop fighting, which is even more difficult for you to accept because you’ve always been a fighter, and you’ve always persevered, however hopeless it may have seemed
The fact that you wanted to give up was probably the hardest reality for you to overcome. Coupled with all the responsibilities you felt, and obligations and expectations you thought were on you. I know you hate being taken care of, and to feel that you’ve lost your independence and control over yourself. So it was very difficult for you to embrace the love and support and care others had for you during this period, to the extent you felt bad you had become a burden to everyone, which made you want to give up even more.
But now the worse is past and you’ve made it through the darkest hours. You are rediscovering yourself and regaining your self-confidence. You are exploring your interests again.
Please know that the first step is to learn how to love yourself and maintain your own health, whether physical or mental. It is important that you give yourself time, to think, to play, to sit and do nothing. You need to do exercise and surround yourself with positive influence and people and friends who care about you genuinely.
It is now clear, and I know that you have learnt truly that what other people think of you, how they judge and their criticisms do not matter. Your image and reputation does not matter as much as being true to yourself and your own happiness and comfort.
It will tire you out again if you put on a strong and happy front. But remember, you are indeed a strong person, and your joy will glow from within. All you have to do is to be yourself, and let your true self shine and glow, and naturally that reputation you strive so hard to build will be created.
Know that there will always be hope and support from around to help you through so one day you will soar again as an eagle.
You are a beautiful person, gentle, generous, and kind. You have a beautiful smile, intelligence and health.
You have dreams and ambitions and you are a determined person, also persevering, so I have faith that you will reach your goals one day and achieve your full potential, whatever that may be.
I know you feel lost and confused, but remain hopeful. Take the “dark hours” to rest.
I know you feel like you want to leave and go somewhere – keep searching and one day you will get there.
There are people who love you and you are not a burden to them.
Don’t think too much, and just do what makes you smile and laugh.
Love yourself, and treat yourself well.