I was going through some of my old journals recently, and stumbled upon this letter I wrote to myself sometime early 2010 after a suicide attempt. It just reminded me of the journey I’ve taken this past year or so, and that perhaps, I need to constantly remind myself that, it will be ok….
< Dearest Noch
It’s about time I wrote to you and told you some thoughts I’ve had throughout these past few months and specifically these last few weeks. I know it wasn’t easy for you to accept that you’ve collapsed to the lowest point of your life on earth, and to acknowledge that you needed help, and couldn’t stand back up on your own. Worse, you wanted to give up and take your own life and stop fighting, which is even more difficult for you to accept because you’ve always been a fighter, and you’ve always persevered, however hopeless it may have seemed
The fact that you wanted to give up was probably the hardest reality for you to overcome. Coupled with all the responsibilities you felt, and obligations and expectations you thought were on you. I know you hate being taken care of, and to feel that you’ve lost your independence and control over yourself. So it was very difficult for you to embrace the love and support and care others had for you during this period, to the extent you felt bad you had become a burden to everyone, which made you want to give up even more.
But now the worse is past and you’ve made it through the darkest hours. You are rediscovering yourself and regaining your self-confidence. You are exploring your interests again.
Please know that the first step is to learn how to love yourself and maintain your own health, whether physical or mental. It is important that you give yourself time, to think, to play, to sit and do nothing. You need to do exercise and surround yourself with positive influence and people and friends who care about you genuinely.
It is now clear, and I know that you have learnt truly that what other people think of you, how they judge and their criticisms do not matter. Your image and reputation does not matter as much as being true to yourself and your own happiness and comfort.
It will tire you out again if you put on a strong and happy front. But remember, you are indeed a strong person, and your joy will glow from within. All you have to do is to be yourself, and let your true self shine and glow, and naturally that reputation you strive so hard to build will be created.
Know that there will always be hope and support from around to help you through so one day you will soar again as an eagle.
You are a beautiful person, gentle, generous, and kind. You have a beautiful smile, intelligence and health.
You have dreams and ambitions and you are a determined person, also persevering, so I have faith that you will reach your goals one day and achieve your full potential, whatever that may be.
I know you feel lost and confused, but remain hopeful. Take the “dark hours” to rest.
I know you feel like you want to leave and go somewhere – keep searching and one day you will get there.
There are people who love you and you are not a burden to them.
Don’t think too much, and just do what makes you smile and laugh.
Love yourself, and treat yourself well.
Love,
Noch
March 2010
Noch – what a powerful story of overcoming you are sharing here in your blog. A true champion. Your story will empower many in the days ahead – so keep writing.
@Peter : thanks for dropping by and encouraging me, and I do hope somewhere out there someone will read this and find some resonance 🙂
I find lots of inspiration from your writing too and look forward to more!
Writing this letter to yourself and then re-reading it must feel empowering because you are truly finding strength from within YOURSELF. Sometimes I feel like we are stronger when we help others; kind of like when you have a drunk friend and you’re tipsy, you tend to sober up to help them… In that way, you have come to your rescue and this letter shows you DO have the strength to overcome the lows. And a year later, here you are, stronger, shining, and beautiful. Thanks to your friendship, others like myself are able to get through our own daily challenges. Grateful for your strength… love, shanti
@shanti : i like that analogy of a drunken friend, made me giggle just now reading it, remember some of our parties and girls’ night, we are all a bit tipsy and laughing…. thanks to people like you in the past year i was able to live on, people who don’t judge me or avoid me becoz of what i was going through, but just there, to laugh – and to feed me with yummy food and recipes 🙂 i’ll be seeing u soon xx
So moving, distressing, uplifting, soul searching all at once, noch. I’m lost for the right words…
I’ve Tweeted this as so many will benefit from seeing your world as it was.
@Linda : thanks so much for your kind words, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know someone resonates with my thoughts 🙂
[…] live another day to write, to tell you my story. So that you, too, may find the strength and encouragement to hang on, and to make the changes in […]
Love this so much. I’m going to do this. Put my troubles behind me. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Christina
Did it help? 🙂
Noch Noch
Yes it did help and it will continue to help me everyday. I don’t think about my troubles as much as I used to. I improve on doing that everyday. It’s a waste of my energy to constantly think of my troubles.
Hi Christina again
What do you like doing? Maybe invest energy into that too 🙂
Noch Noch
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[…] in Beijing since June 2009. I worked a few months, then collapsed, then stopped working, then recovered slowly, relapsed, got better… and the cycle continues. I write as therapy, encouraged by my […]