NochNoch.com

sudden collapse today

| 12 Comments

I woke up today to a very bad migraine. I nearly puked. The ringing in my ears won’t stop. I got a bit dizzy and slipped and fell down 4 steps on the staircase. and then I started crying non stop. i miss my friend.I woke up today to a very bad migraine. I nearly puked. The ringing in my ears won’t stop. I got a bit dizzy and slipped and fell down 4 steps on the staircase. and then I started crying non stop. i miss my friend.

Today is a sudden collapse. I was vulnerable to external stimulus. I was emotional. I envy my friend almost – because she succeeded in doing what i only attempted. I long for that release, I feel so tired, so exhausted. I wonder who understands the agony and the darkness? I doubt myself again for no reason – I am worried about what may happen. I am worried no one would read my book even if I published it. I am worried about a hole in my CV for 2 years. I am worried I cannot finance the lifestyle I want. I wonder why I do what I want to do. I looked at a few blogs and wonder why they are successful bloggers, also burnt out a few years ago and now making so much money blogging.

I had to distract myself and watched a DVD. My head was reeling. Timmie was worried.

I feel like I’m going against everything I have written here in my blog. I’m a bit confused with myself. One moment I believe everything I’ve written and I wrote with all the sincerity I could muster. Next moment, I wonder whats the point.

I’m writing now to let it out. Please bear with me. Today I cannot be strong for you. I need to take care of myself first.

But Timmie loves me. That’s all it matters, he says.

Today I’m trying to hold on to that because it’s keeping me alive right now.

Today is a sudden collapse. I was vulnerable to external stimulus. I was emotional. I envy my friend almost – because she succeeded in doing what i only attempted. I long for that release, I feel so tired, so exhausted. I wonder who understands the agony and the darkness? I doubt myself again for no reason – I am worried about what may happen. I am worried no one would read my book even if I published it. I am worried about a hole in my CV for 2 years. I am worried I cannot finance the lifestyle I want. I wonder why I do what I want to do. I looked at a few blogs and wonder why they are successful bloggers, also burnt out a few years ago and now making so much money blogging.

I had to distract myself and watched a DVD. My head was reeling. Timmie was worried.

I feel like I’m going against everything I have written here in my blog. I’m a bit confused with myself. One moment I believe everything I’ve written and I wrote with all the sincerity I could muster. Next moment, I wonder whats the point.

I’m writing now to let it out. Please bear with me. Today I cannot be strong for you. I need to take care of myself first.

But Timmie loves me. That’s all it matters, he says.

Today I’m trying to hold on to that because it’s keeping me alive right now.

12 Responses

  1. slosloslo says:

    you will be fine. we love you.

    sometimes we live for those who we love. and the feeling of being loved keep us warm.

    hang in there. worst times are behind you. and fuck that cv. burn it.

  2. Amy K says:

    I totally get your collapse. I totally understand that doubt and wondering why and how and why not me and will I ever be…the book, the blogging, the lifestyle, I get it.

    Good news, you picked yourself up after the collapse. From there you move forward or you rest a while first, but either way, you got up.

    I also understand envying your friend, I am sorry for your loss and I hope that they are experiencing relief from all that they ever wanted to escape from. But, I believe that facing the days again are the best way to go, even if it hurts like hell. You are not alone.

  3. Francy says:

    My dear…I understand you so well, unfortunately…I am sure this is just a phase, remind yourself that this darkness will eventually go away, even if now it seems to be against all odds…believe it, no matter what!
    It’s really difficult to accept our dark side but still possible.

  4. nochnoch says:

    @slosloslo: yes. parabolas will be fine

    @amy K: thanks for reminding me what i try to remind others, that we are not alone. sometimes though i need that reassurance myself and its great to have that from people all over the world. you take care too!

    @francy: need to stay away from the dark side, need to be strong for myself!

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about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.