NochNoch.com

in remembrance

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a very good friend of mine committed suicide some few days ago. I just found out yesterday.

a very good friend of mine committed suicide some few days ago. I just found out yesterday.

I’m dishevelled. I’m devastated. i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went through her head right before – was it desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, depression, anger, or disappointment? I don’t know. I can maybe guess from my own experience, but there’s no point. My heart just aches at the thought of how she passed those agonizing few seconds before she made that decision to take her own life. We are all happy and bubbly on the outside, but inside we have our dark thoughts and struggles. If one thing that spurs from this upsetting news, is that we really need to take the time and effort to check on our friends and listen to their deepest, darkest, secrets – and we need to share our’s. We need to be there for each other, for we never know.

I know she reads my blog, we’ve discussed it. I felt a bit like a failure all of yesterday, that my blog was not powerful enough to prevent her fate as I had hoped to inspire and encourage others out there who need it by sharing my story. But I know it is not my fault nor is it my burden to bear – my friend would not have approved. I am not writing to meet or fulfil any one’s expectations so I have not disappointed anyone. I just do what I have to do.

So did she. I am very sad to have lost a friend, but I respect her decision. I hope she found the peace and release she was looking for. One day we will meet again in another place. She was doing what she needed to do. We are all heartbroken. But I know she would want us to carry on with strength and vitality as she did. She would want us to keep smiling. She always smiled, always laughed, always made me laugh. We talked, we were silly, we had fun. I love this girl, especially our talk in my walk-in wardrobe some few years ago, and how she grabbed my nemo soft toys and hugged them and played with them. She was one of those who asked how I was doing and was genuinely interested, even though I was so out of touch last year as I was struggling. She radiates joy and energy, love and compassion. She was an angel.

I don’t want anyone to do the same thing, if you are reading this. But it is not my place to tell you what to do either.

We need just be ourselves. That is enough.I’m dishevelled. I’m devastated. i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went through her head right before – was it desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, depression, anger, or disappointment? I don’t know. I can maybe guess from my own experience, but there’s no point. My heart just aches at the thought of how she passed those agonizing few seconds before she made that decision to take her own life. We are all happy and bubbly on the outside, but inside we have our dark thoughts and struggles. If one thing that spurs from this upsetting news, is that we really need to take the time and effort to check on our friends and listen to their deepest, darkest, secrets – and we need to share our’s. We need to be there for each other, for we never know.

I know she reads my blog, we’ve discussed it. I felt a bit like a failure all of yesterday, that my blog was not powerful enough to prevent her fate as I had hoped to inspire and encourage others out there who need it by sharing my story. But I know it is not my fault nor is it my burden to bear – my friend would not have approved. I am not writing to meet or fulfil any one’s expectations so I have not disappointed anyone. I just do what I have to do.

So did she. I am very sad to have lost a friend, but I respect her decision. I hope she found the peace and release she was looking for. One day we will meet again in another place. She was doing what she needed to do. We are all heartbroken. But I know she would want us to carry on with strength and vitality as she did. She would want us to keep smiling. She always smiled, always laughed, always made me laugh. We talked, we were silly, we had fun. I love this girl, especially our talk in my walk-in wardrobe some few years ago, and how she grabbed my nemo soft toys and hugged them and played with them. She was one of those who asked how I was doing and was genuinely interested, even though I was so out of touch last year as I was struggling. She radiates joy and energy, love and compassion. She was an angel.

I don’t want anyone to do the same thing, if you are reading this. But it is not my place to tell you what to do either.

We need just be ourselves. That is enough.

5 Responses

  1. germain says:

    truly is a devastating news, we were shocked to hear the news but we had not really caught up since we moved away from Tokyo. We were away the one time she came to London too… We all had our dark time, some deeper than other, if you can get out of it helps moving forward. Friends and communication helped me a lot then, I wish we had more occasion to talk… We will remember and carry on, you will be missed!

  2. I so know how you feel. My uncle committed suicide and since I’d had these feelings myself I was so devastated to know he felt so bad that he actually went through with it, especially since no one knew he felt this way. I felt so incredibly sad for how bad he must have felt. Surprisingly my father was angry at him. It really made me realise how different we all are, how we all see things differently and how everyone’s perspective is valid. And you are right, the most important thing is to keep close to those you treasure, listen and talk and just be there. The rest is up to them. Everything is in divine and perfect order now and always. And no one goes before us who we will not meet again. So sorry to hear about your loss. Take care.

  3. […] off some inspiration for this post. Indeed, just yesterday with my shrink, we discussed my friend’s suicide earlier this year and how I […]

  4. […] I woke up today to a very bad migraine. I nearly puked. The ringing in my ears won’t stop. I got a bit dizzy and slipped and fell down 4 steps on the staircase. and then I started crying non stop. i miss my friend. […]

about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.