It is maybe a philosophical debate: what is the purpose of life or the meaning of it? For about 5-6 months, my immediate answer would be: there is no meaning, that’s why I just want to die.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for patients who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses or are hospital bound for great lengths of time. I had my share of hospital beds but nothing like what you see on TV with all these tubes hanging from everywhere. Mainly I just had IV drips for throwing up too much. Yet, already I felt extremely frustrated and upset about my situation, especially given that I used to be a very active person, extremely outgoing and always – and I mean ALWAYS – busy with something to do or someone to meet. I loved buzzing around. It made me feel alive, and it was my zest for life that drove me everyday.
What was I so enthusiastic about? I honestly cannot recall. Looking back, it seems that everything I lived for and did was futile and fleeting. Very trivial as well. Dust in the wind as the lyrics go. And yet, I had so much energy then, and it all seemed so sensible just one year ago.
The situations didn’t change. I did. How did I change between last Autumn and now, almost exactly one year later? I’m still figuring out. But I digress.
Going back to being sick: I’d like to sometimes think that my depression was not really caused by stress from work and life, but simply because of the fact that I was physically ill and could not be active anymore. Forced to be at home everyday, unable to even watch TV or read a book, or go to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of water without blacking out or falling over, were already too much for me to tolerate. I always took care of myself and others, I was strong. It was hard for me to accept I needed taking care of this time round.
I lost all motivation for anything. I didn’t eat. I didn’t talk. I only slept – sometimes for 20 hours a day. Then I had insomnia. I was angry at myself for getting to this point. I thought it was my fault, and I was a burden to Timmie and my doctors and the company. I knew at the back of my mind that it would be all right in the end, and that logically there is light at the end of the tunnel as the analogy goes.
However, I was tired from being in the tunnel. I knew there was hope but I had no hope in it. I was very upset about everything, most about myself. I was in this state of constant negativity – put all the “negative” emotions in and bundle them then times 100 – that was me for some months. I became hopeless. I became even more despaired when I couldn’t lift myself out of that mental state, and I hated myself for my inability to do so.
After a while, I came to one conclusion: I might as well die.
When I was young and heard about people killing themselves, I’d almost snicker at their “weaknesses” for not being to handle whatever the difficulties in front of them. I saw it as a sign of admitting defeat. I thought they made a “wrong” choice committing suicide.
I dare not anymore. And I definitely do not think it’s “wrong” to end our own lives. Because, I tried to kill myself too. (Sometimes I still wish I had succeeded in doing so). Don’t judge. For those people depressed, dying is one way out, it’s their “lights at the end of the tunnel” but in a form that most people do not accept or agree with. I now understand, and can empathize that sense of desperation people who want to kill themselves feel. Even though I’m clinically out of depression and stopped taking drugs for it, I still flip flop between the high and lows. I wonder, what are we chasing after everyday? Why are we all working so hard? For what, a “better” life? Vanity. It’s all vanity.
This shocked many of my friends when I told them about it. They would never have guessed I would do something like that, given how they knew me and perceived me.
Well, what is the point of being alive? When I am dead I will not remember smelling the flowers anyways. Who knows what happens after death? Religious people tell you about life after death and eternity – has anyone you know come back from being dead to tell you about it so you know for sure? They say, store riches up in heaven for your eternal life, umm… are we living for a even further future then?
Nevertheless, assuming all that is true, then what is the difference between dying now and tomorrow, or next year? We will still have our “after life”, right? Moreover, if we must think about it philosophically and legally, if we have our “rights” to live, why can we not have the “rights” to die too?
So, then, tell me, why do I need to stay alive today? Perhaps if only to play jigsaw puzzles, write calligraphy…
I am not about to attempt suicide again soon. It hurts, especially being in hospital afterwards. My humble advice is, if you want to kill yourself, choose an effective way. If not, hang on one day more because maybe, tomorrow the sun will peep out from the clouds. If it doesn’t, there is the day after. What is the worst that can happen if you stay alive today? It’s really not so bad, is it?
Consider it an improvement that I am pondering the reasons to stay alive, instead of convincing myself about why I need to die….
And to whoever is reading this out there, and if you are thinking about dying, write to me; perhaps we can come up with reasons to stay alive together…
very moving article enoch….lot of emotional twists and turns….very well written…so glad you chose “another day”….
thanks yay
it will be better tomorrow!!!
what will? the price of eggs?
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Is there life on earth besides police , unemployment, unwanted employment and marriage? schizophreia helps on occasion but foreign psichiatristions do not exactly help.
by psichiatristions i presume you mean psychiatrists! and as for them being foreign i can only guess you mean not of the same race without meaning to be racial.
I’m just sick of life, its pointless, when your achieving something you try hard and its your only goals in life and when your done you realise it means nothing, thanks for the advice, il try an effective way..
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good one. I am writting this from Bangalore, India. I have faced similar situation and have always wondered the very purpose of my actions.
take care and cheer up. some time, some where we will meet
with warm regards
srinivasan
Hi Srini
Hi again
Have you found the purpose of your actions yet?
I’m looking into it with my shrink, what drives my passions, motivations… I’m not sure. Before it was external approval it seems. Now I dont know…
Noch Noch
[...] Stay alive [...]
q: “what is the purpose of life or the meaning of it?”
a: to make the humankind walk a step forward. for what? to improve the life of anyone living here. how? by creating something that will touch people as much as it touches you, because emotions are the key: hope, love, connection, respect, admiration, confidence, happiness…
actually you only need to touch one person to make it work, and it’s yourself.
Hi 777tauh
Thanks for the insight here – yes I only need to touch myself to make it all worth. Keeping those emotions is sometimes hard though, and I allow myself to feel the opposite emotions when they come. The important thing is to be able to pick myself up from it all and move on
Plus, searching for meaning sometimes is futile. Perhaps I Should just spend the time and live, and enjoy my life… don’t you think?
Noch Noch
Actually my last sentence was the less important, so maybe I didn’t express myself correctly and was misleading. What I meant with my last sentence was that even if what touches you and what you do don’t touch anyone else, it is still worthy because it ‘fills’ you from inside. It’s a consequence of your acting, of your choices, but it shouldn’t be a goal and/or a mindset in itself. (And that was also just to pinpoint the fact that even in the worst case it’s still worthwhile, but this case never happens as anything done is this world will touch at least some people).
That being said, you’re talking about “just enjoying your life”. You and me (and all the people that went through depression) know that it’s a nice saying but it’s very hard to feel, right?
Why?
Well, from my experience, there are 2 main things that don’t help at all. One is keeping those negative thoughts running in your head. Another one is believing that you should be another person to be better, or worthy (taller, thinner, prettier, more talkative, less frustrated, blablabla…). The first has always been evident to me, but the second is the one that had the most impact on my life when I discovered and understood it. When you realize that some parts of you just make the person you are and don’t need to be changed it is much easier to accept yourself, and it’s a big key to confidence, trust in yourself, and happiness.
I hope I don’t talk too much. This is of course your blog and I don’t want to talk too much about myself but I wanted to share at least those little ideas as they help me a lot, much more than any pill, psychiatrist or any therapy did. It still not pink world everyday but after 10 years of darkness, my days are getting better and better with those little beliefs.
Oh, and one last thing. Your search for meaning, if you’re talking about the meaning of life, yes it’s probably futile as there is absolutely no fixed answer to that. There is no general meaning as ‘make the world a better place’ or whatever, but there is a meaning for YOUR life, and you’re the only one to know and to decide about that. Listen to your heart, listen to your guts, follow what you trust, what you believe, what makes you vibrate, and that’s it. That’s the way to go. If you spent a lot of time trying to fill other people’s expectations instead of yours, it’s not an easy task I know. But it’s the way to go.
Hope this helps.
Hi 777tauh
That helps – thanks for the message and sharing your thoughts. It’s quite true, i lost a lot of confidence in the depression and now slowly rebuilding. I think I’m also getting better with positive beliefs but I still go up and I still go down but at least I”m better at managing that now
And you are right, I need to fulfil my own meaning, not anybody else’s
Thanks for the reminder
I hope you come back to my blog, and soldier on with depression
Noch Noch
make it worth, not work. auto-correction doesn’t “touch” me very well.
Noch
Just read your comment.
Can you not forcibly think the opposites?
what happens to your fiancy with out you? what happens to me if you are not there to write to? what happens to the docs who cannot survive with out patients like you? just start looking for some stupid and humourous reasons – it may sound silly, but, it will bring some positive outcome.
how can you waste one life? you have not come in to this world on your own. you cannot go on your own.
start getting active. do lot of physical work. dont allow time for thinking. become a mechanical person like any machinery.
sorry If I have sounded absurd. but you should change your thinking
do reply
srini
Hi Srini
Fair enough, I can understand where you are coming from. I think the whole process of this is ultimately, to change what I think about death and my life. I don’t promise I can change over night. When I want to die, I think of my puppy who needs me to feed her
Noch NOch
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I was also once in that position where I felt like my life wasn’t worth living. But I came to realize one thing. And that is those who are around you, loves you. You may not be able to see it, but you can certainly feel it. If I were to end my life right there, how would my friends and family feel about it? Not only will I’ve transfer my depression over to them. They’re also going to be the ones carrying my burden. I can’t be so selfish and think about myself. So I said to myself “for the sake of everyone around me” I must continue living.
Now whenever I think about anything as stupid as committing suicide, I put my friends and family beforehand. I guess you could say I’ve cheated death. And that feeling made me cherished my life from here on out.
Anywho, Great blog noch you just got yourself a subscriber.
Hi Yuri
Thanks for coming by my blog and subscribing too!!! THat just made my day
Also, thanks for sharing your story here. You are right, those who love us around us givs us that extra energy to carry on. I sometimes just think, if I died, my little puppy will miss me so much and no one will play with her!
I can’t say I’m completely convinced as you are though, about this whole suicide thing. but I’m trying. and i hope one day I will be able to stand strong like you!
Noch Noch
A big reason a person may feel suicidal is that they dont feel loved..that maybe they dont have any close friends.You should not asume that everyone has friends and family that love and care.
Hi Madeleine
Thanks for bringing that into light. You are right that many people out there don’t have people around them to love them. I’ve learnt to be more compassionate towards people and also, as you advised, to make fewer assumptions
Thanks again for adding on to the discussion
Noch Noch
What Yuri is saying is very nice, but I couldn’t agree with it and I had to say a little something about that. What she’s describing is another way to live in people’s expectations and even if it might help on a short term, it will not on a long term. What she’s saying absolutely make sense, but the issue is always to feel it inside to make it worth, and this will not if you’re not in the ‘good’ place already. To feel something, you need to make it yourself, you have to trust it, and you have to recognize that the way you feel, think, what you trust and believe is normal and is true, and that’s the way you are. Then, from that, you can start building your confidence, and with confidence. Else, it’s like all the beautiful quotes we read and that makes us feel good for a couple of minutes, or hours, but never last. Acceptance of yourself is the bare minimum.
Hi 777tauh
I can see where you are coming from, and I appreciate you adding on to the discussion. Like I said below too, I am not completely convinced either that it gives me reason to stay alive. My argument is similar to yours, that in that case I seem to be living for others. Yet, at the same time, it’s true, when I’m on the verge of escaping to death, I think about my fiance and my puppy and it makes me think again about dying. So I have a long way to go still to feel inside to myself worth it. My shrink tells me i need to work on my internal approval of myself, which I suppose is similar to what you said above. I have never thought it hard to accept myself, I used to think I had all the self-confidence in the world. But I have changed, and it’s a fluid concept, so I need to keep being happy with myself – which is something I’m trying to do through fleshing out my thoughts on this blog. Every time I write, it gives me a little bit more clarity…
How are you are accepting yourself? How do you do it? Would love to hear your suggestions
Noch Noch
Hi Noch Noch,
I took some time to answer because after reading you it feels like there is a lot to think and to say. I had to take some steps back to give a more simple answer to your question. So, to accept myself I’ve found 2 ways that helped me: self-help books and focus.
I read quite a lot of books but the ones that seem to work the best for me are the ones about the Law of Attraction from the Hicks couple. One of the book is called The Law of Attraction and the other one is Ask and it is Given. They help me a lot, and when I have a little down I end up reading them. It always reminds me that I am special, loved, and normal, like anyone else.
By focusing I mean that you have to know what you want, what you’re heading to, and remove all the distractions that is around. It should be the case for a lot of things, but it’s also the case with people. If you know what you want to do and focus on that, your mind will be clear and the expectations, scold or whatever from other people will just appear much smaller that they are when you don’t know how or where to focus. If you focus, you’ll not let other dictate what you have to do or how you feel, you’ll just discard their comments if they don’t get it, and all with a smile.
Hi 777Tauh
Thanks for the response. I have been looking into the Law of Attraction too. Recently, in fact just yesterday, my shrink was speaking to me about “focus” and “purpose”. He said i need to find a overarching purpose in life, and to focus on that. If not, I go through motions but still find no meaning in it all, and will not be able to full accept myself. I’m working on this, and trying to find what is my purpose, my passion and my motivation, and how to sustain them ….
Noch Noch
Nice!
Some people need to find a purpose, some are just ok going through life. People are different and as you say, just be you. And do what you need to do to fulfil your life.
thanks 777tauh – that’s my motto for the year “Be Me”
Hard, and at times challenging. But I try!
Noch Noch
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