NochNoch.com

still looking for reasons to stay alive

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It is maybe a philosophical debate: what is the purpose of life or the meaning of it? For about 5-6 months, my immediate answer would be: there is no meaning, that’s why I just want to die.

I cannot imagine what it must be like for patients who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses or are hospital bound for great lengths of time. I had my share of hospital beds but nothing like what you see on TV with all these tubes hanging from everywhere. Mainly I just had IV drips for throwing up too much. Yet, already I felt extremely frustrated and upset about my situation, especially given that I used to be a very active person, extremely outgoing and always – and I mean ALWAYS – busy with something to do or someone to meet. I loved buzzing around. It made me feel alive, and it was my zest for life that drove me everyday.

What was I so enthusiastic about? I honestly cannot recall. Looking back, it seems that everything I lived for and did was futile and fleeting. Very trivial as well. Dust in the wind as the lyrics go. And yet, I had so much energy then, and it all seemed so sensible just one year ago.

The situations didn’t change. I did. How did I change between last Autumn and now, almost exactly one year later? I’m still figuring out. But I digress.

Going back to being sick: I’d like to sometimes think that my depression was not really caused by stress from work and life, but simply because of the fact that I was physically ill and could not be active anymore. Forced to be at home everyday, unable to even watch TV or read a book, or go to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of water without blacking out or falling over, were already too much for me to tolerate. I always took care of myself and others, I was strong. It was hard for me to accept I needed taking care of this time round.

I lost all motivation for anything. I didn’t eat. I didn’t talk. I only slept – sometimes for 20 hours a day. Then I had insomnia. I was angry at myself for getting to this point. I thought it was my fault, and I was a burden to Timmie and my doctors and the company. I knew at the back of my mind that it would be all right in the end, and that logically there is light at the end of the tunnel as the analogy goes.

However, I was tired from being in the tunnel. I knew there was hope but I had no hope in it. I was very upset about everything, most about myself. I was in this state of constant negativity – put all the “negative” emotions in and bundle them then times 100 – that was me for some months. I became hopeless. I became even more despaired when I couldn’t lift myself out of that mental state, and I hated myself for my inability to do so.

After a while, I came to one conclusion: I might as well die.

When I was young and heard about people killing themselves, I’d almost snicker at their “weaknesses” for not being to handle whatever the difficulties in front of them. I saw it as a sign of admitting defeat. I thought they made a “wrong” choice committing suicide.

I dare not anymore. And I definitely do not think it’s “wrong” to end our own lives. Because, I tried to kill myself too. (Sometimes I still wish I had succeeded in doing so). Don’t judge. For those people depressed, dying is one way out, it’s their “lights at the end of the tunnel” but in a form that most people do not accept or agree with. I now understand, and can empathize that sense of desperation people who want to kill themselves feel. Even though I’m clinically out of depression and stopped taking drugs for it, I still flip flop between the high and lows. I wonder, what are we chasing after everyday? Why are we all working so hard? For what, a “better” life? Vanity. It’s all vanity.

This shocked many of my friends when I told them about it. They would never have guessed I would do something like that, given how they knew me and perceived me.

Well, what is the point of being alive? When I am dead I will not remember smelling the flowers anyways. Who knows what happens after death? Religious people tell you about life after death and eternity – has anyone you know come back from being dead to tell you about it so you know for sure? They say, store riches up in heaven for your eternal life, umm… are we living for a even further future then?

Nevertheless, assuming all that is true, then what is the difference between dying now and tomorrow, or next year? We will still have our “after life”, right? Moreover, if we must think about it philosophically and legally, if we have our “rights” to live, why can we not have the “rights” to die too?

So, then, tell me, why do I need to stay alive today? Perhaps if only to play jigsaw puzzles, write calligraphy…

I am not about to attempt suicide again soon. It hurts, especially being in hospital afterwards. My humble advice is, if you want to kill yourself, choose an effective way. If not, hang on one day more because maybe, tomorrow the sun will peep out from the clouds. If it doesn’t, there is the day after. What is the worst that can happen if you stay alive today? It’s really not so bad, is it?

Consider it an improvement that I am pondering the reasons to stay alive, instead of convincing myself about why I need to die….

And to whoever is reading this out there, and if you are thinking about dying, write to me; perhaps we can come up with reasons to stay alive together…

64 Responses

  1. Mr. Independent says:

    very moving article enoch….lot of emotional twists and turns….very well written…so glad you chose “another day”….

  2. […] still looking for reasons to stay alive […]

  3. […] still looking for reasons to stay alive Follow Me!bits & pieces of me […]

  4. […] google searches By nochnoch, on February 7th, 2011 I am flattered. Google searches actually return my website. I don’t have 1 million views per day but my blog is being read by people all over the world! To me it feels like magic, that there are all these techniques that allow me to see how people found my blog. Two search terms that particularly struck me were: “there’s got to be a way to lift myself out of depression”, and “reasons to stay alive”. […]

  5. […] i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went through […]

    • sarah says:

      Is there life on earth besides police , unemployment, unwanted employment and marriage? schizophreia helps on occasion but foreign psichiatristions do not exactly help.

      • sarah says:

        by psichiatristions i presume you mean psychiatrists! and as for them being foreign i can only guess you mean not of the same race without meaning to be racial.

  6. robert says:

    I’m just sick of life, its pointless, when your achieving something you try hard and its your only goals in life and when your done you realise it means nothing, thanks for the advice, il try an effective way..

    • autumn says:

      I know it’s like life is a waste of time i don’t know why some people love life. I try to but i can’t quite do it. Everything is useless!!

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Autumn

        I try to focus on the things I love these days to stop myself from my suicidal ideations. Liek cooking and my bears
        What’s your favourite thing?

        Noch Noch

  7. […] 3 years and then go back into international law and development; I stayed 7 years and got sick and nearly killed myself – suddenly I realized all this experience reaped from being an international executive is highly […]

  8. […] I am still on my journey. There will be ups and downs […]

    • srini says:

      good one. I am writting this from Bangalore, India. I have faced similar situation and have always wondered the very purpose of my actions.

      take care and cheer up. some time, some where we will meet

      with warm regards
      srinivasan

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Srini

        Hi again 🙂
        Have you found the purpose of your actions yet?
        I’m looking into it with my shrink, what drives my passions, motivations… I’m not sure. Before it was external approval it seems. Now I dont know…

        Noch Noch

    • Daughter of Jesus says:

      I do understand what you are going through,I was doing a research for one of my classes in the University that I attend somehow i open this site and read your story but please try Jesus that is God,he saves and he heals and don’t kill yourself there is life after earth for those that believe in God and put their trust in him try and get saved and baptised in a full gospel church you need deliverance also you need to have faith that you will get better also rebuke your sickness and tell the Devil he is a liar.Hope my comment helps for a change in your life!

  9. 777tauh says:

    q: “what is the purpose of life or the meaning of it?”

    a: to make the humankind walk a step forward. for what? to improve the life of anyone living here. how? by creating something that will touch people as much as it touches you, because emotions are the key: hope, love, connection, respect, admiration, confidence, happiness…
    actually you only need to touch one person to make it work, and it’s yourself.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi 777tauh

      Thanks for the insight here – yes I only need to touch myself to make it all worth. Keeping those emotions is sometimes hard though, and I allow myself to feel the opposite emotions when they come. The important thing is to be able to pick myself up from it all and move on

      Plus, searching for meaning sometimes is futile. Perhaps I Should just spend the time and live, and enjoy my life… don’t you think?

      Noch Noch

      • 777tauh says:

        Actually my last sentence was the less important, so maybe I didn’t express myself correctly and was misleading. What I meant with my last sentence was that even if what touches you and what you do don’t touch anyone else, it is still worthy because it ‘fills’ you from inside. It’s a consequence of your acting, of your choices, but it shouldn’t be a goal and/or a mindset in itself. (And that was also just to pinpoint the fact that even in the worst case it’s still worthwhile, but this case never happens as anything done is this world will touch at least some people).

        That being said, you’re talking about “just enjoying your life”. You and me (and all the people that went through depression) know that it’s a nice saying but it’s very hard to feel, right?

        Why?

        Well, from my experience, there are 2 main things that don’t help at all. One is keeping those negative thoughts running in your head. Another one is believing that you should be another person to be better, or worthy (taller, thinner, prettier, more talkative, less frustrated, blablabla…). The first has always been evident to me, but the second is the one that had the most impact on my life when I discovered and understood it. When you realize that some parts of you just make the person you are and don’t need to be changed it is much easier to accept yourself, and it’s a big key to confidence, trust in yourself, and happiness.

        I hope I don’t talk too much. This is of course your blog and I don’t want to talk too much about myself but I wanted to share at least those little ideas as they help me a lot, much more than any pill, psychiatrist or any therapy did. It still not pink world everyday but after 10 years of darkness, my days are getting better and better with those little beliefs.

        Oh, and one last thing. Your search for meaning, if you’re talking about the meaning of life, yes it’s probably futile as there is absolutely no fixed answer to that. There is no general meaning as ‘make the world a better place’ or whatever, but there is a meaning for YOUR life, and you’re the only one to know and to decide about that. Listen to your heart, listen to your guts, follow what you trust, what you believe, what makes you vibrate, and that’s it. That’s the way to go. If you spent a lot of time trying to fill other people’s expectations instead of yours, it’s not an easy task I know. But it’s the way to go.

        Hope this helps.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi 777tauh

          That helps – thanks for the message and sharing your thoughts. It’s quite true, i lost a lot of confidence in the depression and now slowly rebuilding. I think I’m also getting better with positive beliefs but I still go up and I still go down but at least I”m better at managing that now

          And you are right, I need to fulfil my own meaning, not anybody else’s

          Thanks for the reminder

          I hope you come back to my blog, and soldier on with depression

          Noch Noch

  10. 777tauh says:

    make it worth, not work. auto-correction doesn’t “touch” me very well.

  11. srini says:

    Noch

    Just read your comment.

    Can you not forcibly think the opposites?

    what happens to your fiancy with out you? what happens to me if you are not there to write to? what happens to the docs who cannot survive with out patients like you? just start looking for some stupid and humourous reasons – it may sound silly, but, it will bring some positive outcome.

    how can you waste one life? you have not come in to this world on your own. you cannot go on your own.

    start getting active. do lot of physical work. dont allow time for thinking. become a mechanical person like any machinery.

    sorry If I have sounded absurd. but you should change your thinking

    do reply
    srini

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Srini

      Fair enough, I can understand where you are coming from. I think the whole process of this is ultimately, to change what I think about death and my life. I don’t promise I can change over night. When I want to die, I think of my puppy who needs me to feed her 🙂

      Noch NOch

  12. […] think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not […]

  13. […] popular post : Still Looking for Reasons to Stay Alive tells me that lots of people out there are looking for meaning in their lives, and also a silent […]

  14. Yuri says:

    I was also once in that position where I felt like my life wasn’t worth living. But I came to realize one thing. And that is those who are around you, loves you. You may not be able to see it, but you can certainly feel it. If I were to end my life right there, how would my friends and family feel about it? Not only will I’ve transfer my depression over to them. They’re also going to be the ones carrying my burden. I can’t be so selfish and think about myself. So I said to myself “for the sake of everyone around me” I must continue living.

    Now whenever I think about anything as stupid as committing suicide, I put my friends and family beforehand. I guess you could say I’ve cheated death. And that feeling made me cherished my life from here on out.

    Anywho, Great blog noch you just got yourself a subscriber.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Yuri

      Thanks for coming by my blog and subscribing too!!! THat just made my day 🙂
      Also, thanks for sharing your story here. You are right, those who love us around us givs us that extra energy to carry on. I sometimes just think, if I died, my little puppy will miss me so much and no one will play with her!

      I can’t say I’m completely convinced as you are though, about this whole suicide thing. but I’m trying. and i hope one day I will be able to stand strong like you!

      Noch Noch

    • madeleine says:

      A big reason a person may feel suicidal is that they dont feel loved..that maybe they dont have any close friends.You should not asume that everyone has friends and family that love and care.

      • nochnoch says:

        Hi Madeleine

        Thanks for bringing that into light. You are right that many people out there don’t have people around them to love them. I’ve learnt to be more compassionate towards people and also, as you advised, to make fewer assumptions

        Thanks again for adding on to the discussion

        Noch Noch

  15. 777tauh says:

    What Yuri is saying is very nice, but I couldn’t agree with it and I had to say a little something about that. What she’s describing is another way to live in people’s expectations and even if it might help on a short term, it will not on a long term. What she’s saying absolutely make sense, but the issue is always to feel it inside to make it worth, and this will not if you’re not in the ‘good’ place already. To feel something, you need to make it yourself, you have to trust it, and you have to recognize that the way you feel, think, what you trust and believe is normal and is true, and that’s the way you are. Then, from that, you can start building your confidence, and with confidence. Else, it’s like all the beautiful quotes we read and that makes us feel good for a couple of minutes, or hours, but never last. Acceptance of yourself is the bare minimum.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi 777tauh

      I can see where you are coming from, and I appreciate you adding on to the discussion. Like I said below too, I am not completely convinced either that it gives me reason to stay alive. My argument is similar to yours, that in that case I seem to be living for others. Yet, at the same time, it’s true, when I’m on the verge of escaping to death, I think about my fiance and my puppy and it makes me think again about dying. So I have a long way to go still to feel inside to myself worth it. My shrink tells me i need to work on my internal approval of myself, which I suppose is similar to what you said above. I have never thought it hard to accept myself, I used to think I had all the self-confidence in the world. But I have changed, and it’s a fluid concept, so I need to keep being happy with myself – which is something I’m trying to do through fleshing out my thoughts on this blog. Every time I write, it gives me a little bit more clarity…

      How are you are accepting yourself? How do you do it? Would love to hear your suggestions 🙂

      Noch Noch

      • 777tauh says:

        Hi Noch Noch,

        I took some time to answer because after reading you it feels like there is a lot to think and to say. I had to take some steps back to give a more simple answer to your question. So, to accept myself I’ve found 2 ways that helped me: self-help books and focus.
        I read quite a lot of books but the ones that seem to work the best for me are the ones about the Law of Attraction from the Hicks couple. One of the book is called The Law of Attraction and the other one is Ask and it is Given. They help me a lot, and when I have a little down I end up reading them. It always reminds me that I am special, loved, and normal, like anyone else.
        By focusing I mean that you have to know what you want, what you’re heading to, and remove all the distractions that is around. It should be the case for a lot of things, but it’s also the case with people. If you know what you want to do and focus on that, your mind will be clear and the expectations, scold or whatever from other people will just appear much smaller that they are when you don’t know how or where to focus. If you focus, you’ll not let other dictate what you have to do or how you feel, you’ll just discard their comments if they don’t get it, and all with a smile.

        • nochnoch says:

          Hi 777Tauh

          Thanks for the response. I have been looking into the Law of Attraction too. Recently, in fact just yesterday, my shrink was speaking to me about “focus” and “purpose”. He said i need to find a overarching purpose in life, and to focus on that. If not, I go through motions but still find no meaning in it all, and will not be able to full accept myself. I’m working on this, and trying to find what is my purpose, my passion and my motivation, and how to sustain them ….

          Noch Noch

          • 777tauh says:

            Nice!
            Some people need to find a purpose, some are just ok going through life. People are different and as you say, just be you. And do what you need to do to fulfil your life.

          • nochnoch says:

            thanks 777tauh – that’s my motto for the year “Be Me” 🙂
            Hard, and at times challenging. But I try!
            Noch Noch

  16. […] better! Every time I laid there half paralysed and ached with throbbing pain, I wonder what is this path of destruction I had gone on. Muddled with medicine, injections, and pills, the bitter irony was that I saw very […]

  17. […] of your lonely or troubled heart. It sometimes feels like you want to just throw in the towel and call it quits. We all understand the […]

  18. Karen says:

    Thank you for writing this.

  19. daniel says:

    As of nearly 15 years ago, I went to see this shrink cause something was wrong…

    stupid first visit to the shrink, things never got better…

    8 or 9 years later… yeah, nearly die once, but didn´t make it… however I was uplifted by the power of something, someone, some people call this god. I can call it god to, god as I came to know him. This god sent me back, and at that moment I woke up of unconsciousness, 15 days after the crash.

    Couple of years went on really fine, not dependent of myself, but depending on this foreign source of thoughts and actions which came as messages from the source. I was so certain this god had kept me alive for a reason.

    When my social skills were really off, always have been, one of the reasons of my sadness and anger. This god wouldn´t help me. So I sent him away. Now I realize i´m lonier without him, and again i´m so thankful.

    I´m so thankful that ALL this is going to END one day. No matter what I do today, this won´t , can´t last forever. 🙂

    After nearly coming to a complete collapse and falling down again, 4 months ago. I had a vision, a vision of a system that could begin to work For humanity, and not against.
    A vision of a system not made to enrich owners life, but people life. An application that could begin the change needed in this world full of capitalism(which is good, except when taken to extremes, in Mexico 1 man owns 1 of the couple of the telecommunication companies).

    I quit my job Nochnoch!
    And now, the system I wanted to built has many legal repercussions.
    And still I don´t wanna die before my mom.

    Sorry. just had to vent up, write, …

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Daniel

      Thanks for writing. Sorry to hear of your pain and experience but happy to know you are still working on things and living life to the fullest. Vent any time, I can’t give advice but I can definetely listen / read 🙂

      Noch Noch

  20. Kate says:

    I find that thinking “today is not the rest of your life” encouraging, when suffering or when experiencing happiness. Everything is fleeting. So my conclusion is – experience and savor every moment – everything is changing – in us change has to happen – and around us. Without change, ambivalence and uncertainty we would be dead already, everything would be – – but right now we’re not. Not yet. In change, in not knowing – there is potential – and a potential for Life. It’s pretty amazing and surreal. All of it.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Kate

      Everything is indeed fleeting. I tried using that for myself to get out of that rut of thinking, but sometimes I go overboard to the other extreme: “well, if it’s all fleeting, doesn’t matter if I die now”…. in that mode, I can convince myself of anything. But somehow my thoughts keep me from carrying out another action. So, so far so good. Life is indeed amazing, with these changes in my life and depression, new doors have opened up and I discovered things I had forgotten I enjoyed….

      Noch Noch

  21. […] the world and those close to them. They experience a concoction of guilt, desperation, confusion, hopelessness, loneliness, alienation, anger, sorrow… The nature of the illness makes it difficult to express […]

  22. Nigel Chua says:

    Hi Nochie

    I think that this post calls for an adventure to seek for possible reasons to stay alive! Imagine this to be a task that you can consider doing, everyday mulling and living life and experiencing life and asking and thinking if whatever you do, think and experience can add to your list of reasons to stay alive?

    Hmm. That by itself sounds fun to me. I’d root for you to stay alive, and I’d root for you to consider writing and adding to this list whenever you can – it’d be fun and to a big-extent, a life-saving reminder whenever you forget the reasons why.

    What say you? =D

    Nigel

  23. Marissa says:

    Hello, I am Marissa Parker, and I think I still need some reasons to stay alive. All my support groups are gone, I’ve been on so many medicines the last 5 years that work for a couple of months, then just stop. I’m so miserable that I can’t stand it. I have attempted suicide many times in these five years, and the hospital doesn’t help. It just makes me so much more miserable that I end up lying to get out. Some say stay alive for your daughter, that was forced upon me during my depression. I feel like by being alive I do more harm than good. I’m not very kind to her vocally or physically. I get horrible bursts of rage that I can’t pin-point, and my mother who constantly puts me down and I really do feel like everyone would be better if I was gone. I can only just barely take care of myself. I really don’t want to live anymore, not for anything. I can’t do another hospital stay. It’s just been what seems like never ending emotional pain with short breaks in between. If anyone saw an animal or another person suffering physically, they would want to put them out of their misery, so why am I any different? Because I have a kid I never wanted in the first place but was threatened that if I did put her up for adoption I would be on the street, then constantly berated for being a bad mother?

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Marissa

      That sounds quite a handful. I find one reason to stay alive, is to help others — those who are going through the same struggles, those who have no more support around them, those who need someone to simply tell them, “i get it”. That’s how I remind myself to stay alive when I’m on those days, playing with death ideations again…

      Noch Noch

  24. Jerry says:

    The birds, the animals and fish and insects. The trees and flowers and other living things. I doubt if they seek a purpose as they live. I get a feeling that their purpose is built in, a sort of inertia which began eons ago before they were living.

    Which brings me to a point. Inanimate components of what is now matter, organized and became living over time. We humans along with the bees and the worms and the tallest trees, the turtles and the bacteria and the dogs and their fleas. All life once was nothing at all, depending on how far back you want to look in time.

    Humans are messed up. Our brains got huge as we developed coping mechanisms. Other animals did similar things, but we’re the ones that are the result of our particular branch of earthly evolution.. and we are now a big mess in that our struggle is not to live, as it is with the other mentioned living things, but to do the most absurd thing I know of: try to figure out why we should live.

    One of my son’s best friends took a long walk down an unlit country road at about 2 am one day a few years ago and ended his life with a shotgun held under his chin, aimed straight up to his brain. He was 20. He was the odd one in a “traditional” family with three sons.

    At the funeral service they played a video taken of him when he was about 14, playing his saxaphone. An out of tune, but somehow beautiful melody.. melancholy, yet meaningful in a very basic, human way. It all added up.

    Well, I decided then to commit suicide. And I will. So will you, all of you, whether it’s by your own hand, another’s hand, a disease, a skydiving accident, all will commit suicide with the relentlessly perfect weapon of time.

    Choosing that time seems like a mistake, unless you’re terminally ill and in a lot of pain, in that it ripples out and hurts innocent people more than the other methods of dying hurt them. His suicide still hurts the family and all the friends he ever had. And me.

    So, no, my “suicide” will be done by the the weapon of time, so my loved ones and friends will have a closure that can’t come at all with a true suicide.

  25. […] think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not […]

  26. […] think: Why? This is my life, I’m allowed to end it if I want. Why should I eat? I’m not […]

  27. Richardo Mustachio says:

    This is the third damn time I am typing this! I got an error and lost it all the first time, then I forgot to input my email address and bam! Again! Lost.

    To great posts, lost to the world. “Had lots of good reasons, and now I cannot think of any. Rain, when you don’t have to be out in it. Try that.

    -and guilt is a great derrent, probably the best. It makes you more depressed, but you’re still alive for whatever it’s worth. Catch 22, I suppose they call it.

    If I lose this post I quite.

  28. Beyond Help says:

    I myself am in severe chronic constant pain (very long story that I won’t bother to post) past 4 years unable to work and still waiting on a disability case decision with 0 income. Personally I have attempted suicide 3 times and all 3 times done correctly yet, still here. I truly do not believe it is in our control no matter how bad we may want to die or if done perfectly. The docs claim it is a miracle that i lived on two occasions and the one time my boyfriend ,at the time, showed up at my place as i stopped breathing to resuscitate me. (He was supposed to be at work) and I knew I wasn’t to see anyone for at least 24 to 48 hours. I still want to die absolutely every waking moment of everyday but my number one reason for not killing myself is that my dad just lost my mom to cancer and you are not supposed to outlive your children, not that we are close or that I think he would be all that hurt by it but who knows it may hurt him and cause him even more pain that he does not need. He is a very good man that I love very much and would not want to be a source of any more pain for him, or maybe he would just think of me as even more as a failure who knows that is just the reason keeping me on this earth merely existing

    REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF:

    1. If you can’t even succeed at killing yourself it just makes you feel even more miserable and depressed

    2. Those that u may have been unaware that loved you when you were alive and how it may affect them adversely parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, friends if you have any

    3. You try to end your life and end up living with a worse disability than you had in the first place Like the guy that tried to shoot himself in the head and just shot half his face off and lived or the girl that jumped and is now in a wheelchair

    4. If there is something in this world you still enjoy like chocolate or watching a sunrise or sunset or the ocean etc you will not experience that again

    5. What if it is worse than this life after we leave this earth what if we do burn in hell for committing the sin of taking our own lives

    2 Books that may or may not be helpful to those consumed with suicide A New Earth by Eckert Tolle & Loving What Is by Byron Katie

    I know this is too long to post but if any of it could help anyone else out there please feel free to shorten and post those small bits and pieces

    I am still hanging on by a thread. I am trying to stay alive and exist at least until my father passes to make sure all of his wishes are taken care of But also have in place and hope others that are planning to end it are considerate enough to have a living will a will and their funeral arrangements taken care of and paid for before they go along with the arrangements on who gets their kids, pets, etc… So no one is left with that burden once you are gone

    Hope someone finds something here helpful

  29. Srinivasan says:

    Hi! Noach

    Long time since we spoke. how are you? Last time when we spoke, it was your wedding time and I did wish you on the chinese new year day.

    I saw your mail today and thought it is a miracle.

    A most successful young executive of a large MNC bank like you need to
    be a source of guidance to small folks like me.

    I look forward to your reply
    srini,Bangalore,India

  30. Beyond Help says:

    If none of these reasons help, and you are chronically ill; I believe there are now (some) states that are allowing (some) people with (certain) chronic illnesses to end their lives. I am still looking into it. So far I am pretty sure that chronic pain and eventually being completely bedridden is not on the list lol whoopee! 4 me Anyway If I am still on this earth and come up with more info on the above I will definitely post. I sincerely am not sure if it is hurting my father worse to watch me suffer daily or if it would be a relief for me to no longer be here. For the moment I do not have the proper means to kill myself and am now very afraid that it is not in my control. What do I know The docs said I was dead but I don’t remember anything but waking up in a USELESS psych ward

  31. […] popular post : Still Looking for Reasons to Stay Alive tells me that lots of people out there are looking for meaning in their lives, and also a silent […]

  32. […] i don’t know what to think. i tried to kill myself a few times too but managed to stay alive. I’ve been there, done that – literally, but my friend followed through when I didn’t. I cannot imagine what went […]

  33. Frank says:

    I am glad you decide to see another day, I’ve tried on many occasions to kill myself, and now I regret that. I feel it’s a selfish act for me to do because everybody is at the despair of it. True, everything ends, nothing matters, but if there’s only feelings going around, they might as well be good. I used to get angry/sad about everything’s no, but now I see “Nothing matters.” As a good thing. It means I’m free and I should smile at every problem.

about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.