So I say that I want to be natural and to be me – do what I want and be who I am without needing to appease everyone else but myself. But then the question is: what do I want to do? who am I?
I made a mistake a few months back thinking that once I get off anti-depressants and medically certified as not being depressed anymore, I’d be “back to normal”, i.e. back to who I was before. Little did I realize I can’t really go back. Rather, I am a new me.
But who is the new me? I’m quite confused. Things I used to enjoy doing doesn’t seem very enticing anymore. The sociable, outgoing me previously seems forced now. All these “skills” and “interests” I have – and I wrote them out in my little notebook too – sounds bland. So many things I wanted to do and places I wanted to visit when I had time, and now I do, and yet I don’t know where to start because none of them jump out at me anymore.
My perceived reality is a blur. Is the friendly, confident me, me? Or is it the one who cries and gets very angry and emotional? They are perhaps both “me” in different contexts, but am I faking the friendly smile in specific situations because I’ve now trained myself to be so as it is well-received, so much so that it becomes almost a reflex now? My friend recently said to me that he thought I was “hardcore” and had such a “strong personality”, that I was his “idol” back in the days (hehehe!) – well, is that the present me too?
I don’t know. I think I’ve come to this phase again where I’ve lost my direction. 3 years ago in my diary, I told myself I will work my @ss off and put career in the first place and do an amazing job. I did. And then I snapped, and wondered why I ever decided on that. Yet I can’t regret the decision. Perhaps the decision just expired and I need to make a new one. And there’s nothing to say I won’t snap again in a few years down the road, just that I hope I will be better equipped at that point to deal with it, and that I won’t get physically ill again in this way.
My friend AniS said to me the other day, when I was telling her how confused I was about my life right now: ‘The word ‘structure’ can relate to many things, from architectural buildings to the path of self discovery. Everything we do is a connection or a bond from one point to another. Everything starts with a beginning and has an ending. The middle is a scattered foundation that we build upon to find the right direction.”
Scattered foundation indeed. Finding the next right direction indeed.
So I’m looking, rediscovering, exploring, finding me again. So I can be me, and be a me who will not simply abide by society’s standards and expectations, nor anyone else’s for that matter. I have to stop caring what other people think I should do, and just do what I want to do – once I sort that out, that is.
Listen to my heart. Less my head, because I worked it exceedingly in the 3 decades. Time to give my head a rest.
Be me. Be natural. Hope you know who you are.