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it’s a bit confusing… being “me”

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So I say that I want to be natural and to be me – do what I want and be who I am without needing to appease everyone else but myself. But then the question is: what do I want to do? who am I?

I made a mistake a few months back thinking that once I get off anti-depressants and medically certified as not being depressed anymore, I’d be “back to normal”, i.e. back to who I was before. Little did I realize I can’t really go back. Rather, I am a new me.

But who is the new me? I’m quite confused. Things I used to enjoy doing doesn’t seem very enticing anymore. The sociable, outgoing me previously seems forced now. All these “skills” and “interests” I have – and I wrote them out in my little notebook too – sounds bland. So many things I wanted to do and places I wanted to visit when I had time, and now I do, and yet I don’t know where to start because none of them jump out at me anymore.

My perceived reality is a blur. Is the friendly, confident me, me? Or is it the one who cries and gets very angry and emotional? They are perhaps both “me” in different contexts, but am I faking the  friendly smile in specific situations because I’ve now trained myself to be so as it is well-received, so much so that it becomes almost a reflex now? My friend recently said to me that he thought I was “hardcore” and had such a “strong personality”, that I was his “idol” back in the days (hehehe!) – well, is that the present me too?

I don’t know. I think I’ve come to this phase again where I’ve lost my direction. 3 years ago in my diary, I told myself I will work my @ss off and put career in the first place and do an amazing job. I did. And then I snapped, and wondered why I ever decided on that. Yet I can’t regret the decision. Perhaps the decision just expired and I need to make a new one. And there’s nothing to say I won’t snap again in a few years down the road, just that I hope I will be better equipped at that point to deal with it, and that I won’t get physically ill again in this way.

My friend AniS said to me the other day, when I was telling her how confused I was about my life right now: ‘The word ‘structure’ can relate to many things, from architectural buildings to the path of self discovery. Everything we do is a connection or a bond from one point to another. Everything starts with a beginning and has an ending. The middle is a scattered foundation that we build upon to find the right direction.”

Scattered foundation indeed. Finding the next right direction indeed.

So I’m looking, rediscovering, exploring, finding me again. So I can be me, and be a me who will not simply abide by society’s standards and expectations, nor anyone else’s for that matter. I have to stop caring what other people think I should do, and just do what I want to do – once I sort that out, that is.

Listen to my heart. Less my head, because I worked it exceedingly in the 3 decades. Time to give my head a rest.

Be me. Be natural. Hope you know who you are.

3 Responses

  1. […] it’s a big confusing… being “me” Follow Me!bits & pieces of me […]

  2. Christina says:

    I love your saying of be me, be natural. You should make t shirts that say that. I would get one. I might just have to have one made because I think everyone should live there lives that way. Be themselves and be natural in doing it. Thank you Noch Noch.

    • nochnoch says:

      Hi Christina

      It was a motto I created for myself to help myself through it all…. I thought about creating products with that motto. but i haven’t gotten around to doodling that yet!! Some day, some day 🙂

      NN

about Noch Noch

Enoch Li, (pen name: Noch Noch) is born and raised in Hong Kong and Australia. She has also studied / worked / lived in the US, France, UK, Japan, The Netherlands, China, and has travelled to more than 40 countries. She loves travelling and her curiosity in foreign cultures and languages has led her to enjoy her life as an international executive in the banking & finance industry. However, she was forced to take time off work in 2010 due to her illnesses and after spending time in recovery, cooking, practising Chinese calligraphy, reading and writing – in short, learning to take care of herself and letting out the residual work stress, she has transitioned into a Play Consultant for corporates interested in creative change management and employee well-being using the psychology of playfulness.