Between work, friends, life, going to the gym, going to the spa, shopping, dinners out, dates, studying for a Masters degree, time on facebook to keep in touch, I thought I had the perfect balanced life for a while when I was living in Tokyo. I thought I was “living it” and was happy. Actually, I didn’t even have time to think about whether I was happy or not. In fact, I didn’t even know what made me happy.
I was blinded by society’s standards and expectations — if I had a well-paid job and a big apartment, lots of friends, social life and all that, I should be happy. Why shouldn’t I?
Assuming that is the definition of happiness, the irony is that I didn’t really have the energy to be happy. I had the spare time, but I was too bogged down by all these images and reputations I had to live up to: “the caring friend”, “the cool boss”, “the loving child”, “the efficient one”, “a good RM & sales”… And by spending all my energy living up to these standards, either imposed by others — or worse, I presumed was imposed by others or what would make me loved and liked, my spirit and vigor was being consumed.
I had no energy left to be happy from the heart. Yet I convinced myself I was. I am not an ungrateful little b!tch, just whining and complaining about everything. I was strong. I was smilely. I was happy. In front of everyone else.
When I was alone, I was too exhausted to even give the topic “happiness” a thought. I went to sleep whenever I could, or studied for my exams for more qualifications. That would make me happy surely – more achievements!
The outward veneer of happiness eroded gradually, and keeping up with myself started to weather my soul. My core was empty all along. Until I was forced to sit at home everyday for so many months due to being ill, I never actually had the opportunity to stop and contemplate happiness. I was too engrossed in running, running, running all my life – faster, quicker, more, better.
So I am thankful I got ill – especially when I was not terminally ill. I am thankful I got depressed and sunk to the deepest depths of hopelessness and despair for a while. Because it gave me time to reflect. It was a slow process because most energy was spent being sick and being depressed during those months. But a little a day, as I struggled to come out of depression, I finally pondered the issue of how would I be happy. It took a complete halt in my life just to get to this point instead of doing all these things that I initially thought would make me happy. Ironically amusing. Almost funny.
Do YOU have the energy to be happy in your present life? Do you know what makes you happy? Like, really happy? No, seriously, it’s not a silly question. Or would you rather catch one more wink of sleep than to think about this?
As for me, what would make me happy? Simple really. Just to be me, and to be natural. I’m learning.
E, glad to hear you are feeling better. In answer to your question, I find my happiness growing as I learn to ignore expectations and logic and fear of what happens, and just do what I feel drawn to do, even if that may make someone disappointed. At least, that’s when I’m feeling happy. When I’m alone, tired, blue, then sleep beckons.
One of those evenings when I felt like I should just call someone to make “full use” of the evening, instead I just did some yoga under the stars and cooked and ate some rice with tomato. That’s all I did. No music, no TV, no book, nothing “interesting” to the mind. Just moving the body, taking care of its need for food, and sleep. And I felt very happy.
Seth, I like how you had nothing on while you ate and did yoga. Silence makes me happy and I love when you don’t do much in your spare time. Just taking it easy can make anyone happy. I love doing yoga and hoped to do more of it.
Enjoy yoga both of you! It’s never worked for me but maybe I need to try again 🙂
Noch NOch
u’re totally right seth. i forgot to make myself happy for so long. now i do wat i want 🙂
i get a feeling you’ll like this one, Enoch:
http://22cplus.blogspot.com/2010/08/is-education-killing-us.html
love this post.
I pray that this will become somebody’s wake up call, or at least cause them to think hard on why they are doing what they are doing – before it’s too late.
Recently, I’ve learnt one way of differentiating between ‘happiness’ and ‘joy’ – it could just be semantics but I found it enlightening. ‘Happiness’ refers to a feeling that is dependent on some external thing / situation (“I feel happy because…”), whereas ‘joy’ is something that is generated inside you, stays with you always – independent to any circumstances. I pray that you will find this joy from the God who has loved you all along, and be able to be satisfied in Him.
xx
i dont think is a matter os semantics kk – but perhaps a meaning that only Christians can fully understand. dunno… 🙂
xx
I had a similar experience, back when my Crohn’s disease hit me hard. I was just 13-14 back then, and was living my life straight forward. No much time to actually know if I was happy or doing what I wanted or even where/how I was going to spend my only one life. I think those times are emotional challenges where you HAVE to look at yourself, what you have done, where you are and hope that you have the chance to do more… If luckily you emerge from one of those experience, your life priorities change, your view, your philosophy as well… I do not wish that to anyone but I do wish people would ask those questions themselves more… Death will be coming, your life is only yours and too short not to think about…
The thing is, once you pass through this experience and settle back into a “comfortable” life, keep remembering those feeling, keep asking yourself those questions and reminding you what you want from your life so the next time we are close to our “time”, no regret is left 🙂
@germain
Great points.
Sometimes wake-up calls are needed, to learn and/or remember who we truly are.
Asking those question, or better yet, questioning everything can be of immense value to the quality of our lives.
ma cher germain… je suis tout a fait d’accord!!!! it’s so easy to get bogged down by life itself that we have no time to think about it….
but Karl, I think also important not to go over the balance and think too much 🙂
that was part of my problem too hahahah
you’re right, Enoch
balance is key
exploring the questions by feeling (within) instead of thinking…
our heart always knows what’s best
the head does not
indeed – and i forgot to do that for so many years. using my head all the time. now it exploded. hahha. no wonder it hurts
Time to be happy? What is happy? I have suffered from depression for many years. I’ve tried the drugs, the counciling ets. Some of it workds for a while but then back I go again. Each time it is harder and harder to fight what I call the dragon. I really wish someone could give me an answer.
i’m not sure sue, it’s hard to say and what is happy to some might not be to others. a lot of it i believe, is in the state of mind. medicine can only help so far. it’s difficult to train the mind to be strong all the time, but perhaps we can try. what are you interested in? what are you curious about? places you want to travel to in the world? are you hopeful for something? these could give u causes to be happy? non?
i hope whatever it is, please take care and don’t give up. i do not know your story enough but hope we can share more here
noch
xx
“I am thankful I got ill”.I think you are right. I understand your experiences. For many years, you lived up to other people’s expectations imposed on you consciously and subconsciously. But actually your mind is not strong enough to stand so many expectations at the bottom of your heart. Unballanced for a long time. You have lost yourself for a long time. That’s the reason why you got ill. Your illness reminds you to adjust the unballanced situation, that is , to follow your heart. In pshchology,it’s abnormal for someone to lose his/her natural self. In the long term, the temporary illness is useful for you. You are going better! You have changed a lot!
@adeline: that’s totally rite – the unbalance in my mind is too extreme. i think my body told me to stop so i can rebalance and refocus. so working on that now .need time. but i’m so impatient thahhaah
[…] now comprehend what images I tried to preserve and why I put on certain masks in front of the world through sitting at home the last year and […]
[…] the body and mind will wear out. And it has, as you all know by now. Yet it’s a hard-to-break habit. When I […]
[…] If you want to write, study literature and history, you should defy all your seniors and do so. Honestly, redox actions have no relevance to leadership and people management in this real world, nor does momentum help you in your negotiation skills. […]